Anxiety and depression thread (Please read OP)

failinis

Was "baby sitting" a brothers dog for a few days when he came to collect her this evening. (Her - https://flic.kr/p/KYnmxT )
Already feeling a lot worse, animals are great companions and kept me distracted quite a bit the past days.

I have always had heart troubles since I was born pretty much, but it has never been diagnosed as anything, even had a monitor implanted for a year.
Was told when I left my adolescent cardiologist that he has no idea what is wrong, but if I have been "okay" so far then it is likely harmless.
He was a really nice doctor, I actually done a medical illustration for him as a good bye gift.
I was then referred on to adult cardiology but it slipped through the net (never was given a doctor) then I went to England for Uni which disrupted things.

The connective tissue disorder me and bro were misdiagnosed with was Marfan Syndrome, known for serious cardiac complications.
The genetics dude I seen a few weeks ago suggested it is a CT disorder, which might be similar to Marfans or maybe even a new mutation via Marfans.

The chest pain and palpations/tayciardia calmed down finally for about 2 years (only occurred maybe 14 times in those 2 years).
But this past year it has come back a lot more, and my medical brother is concerned when I told him on the phone yesterday and seemed very annoyed I never told him that it was back. Said I need to phone the out of hours dr next time it happens. But they never find anything. I feel like I am wasting their time.

Maybe this chest and heart trouble is all in my head but I need to know for sure its not something physical.

I don't know, I started to feel like I was one of those hyprocondirac people or started to get scared that I was mentally ill.
That I felt this pain but it was never there and the doctors have written on my notes that I was a nutter and to placate me.
I even started to think my mother had that munchausen by proxy due to how often I was brought to dr after dr as a child.

Its not just this chest/heart trouble, I have pain in my joints, digestion, bowel, stomach, back and bad hip pain - and no doctor is taking me seriously about any of it.
I was in A&E last year with severe stomach pain that has been with me 2yrs but hit a peak. Dr never even examined (like prodded or whatever) me and said "its just women problems you get that at your age". My stomach is not down where my ovaries and such are ffs :mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:
Turns out it was a bleeding ulcer that if left another month could have burst.
I was lucky a dr agreed to do an endoscopy on me.
I had 2 years of being guilted by my family and GP about being anorexic while I cried and said I was in pain.

The genetic dr a few weeks ago warned me that CT is not seen by most doctors and if he puts something in my notes that they will have to seriously take me on about what I am saying.
I think he gets that people were just brushing me off as some stupid girl.

I know I am rambling and most of this is medical bull shíte but I am very heavily weighed down by this. Someone needs to work out what is wrong and where it will continue to effect me as CT is a multi system disorder which I am already feeling.

I am sorry I just need to rant. I have so much going wrong in my body and I just want it to work because its dragging my mental health down with it.

But yes, go look at the cute doggie tho for real.

Tell me how

Hope it helped to get it off your chest some bit failinis.

Dogs are cool. Unconditional love and all that.

failinis

Tell me how wrote: »

Hope it helped to get it off your chest some bit failinis.

Dogs are cool. Unconditional love and all that.

Yeah I just needed a rant, sorry for the wall of text.

Dogs are cool and cute.
I will even forgive that one time she threw up on my bed. :eek:

failinis

I was asked to go for drinks when I get back to Uni by someone.
Replied to just lets arrange closer to time.
Also invited to an acquaintance birthday party at start of term on top of that.

Part of me is already sick in my stomach thinking about social occasions and another is angry at my hearing.

Something is going on with my hearing, I can hear a pin drop in a quiet room no problem.
You try and talk to me when other people are talking in a room, or talk to me walking beside a road, or inside shopping centre or even on the phone and it sounds like you are mumbling into your hand and I can not decipher it at all.

I went to my GP 3years ago on this, looked in my ears and said not ear wax, no burst ear drum etc and that I was fine.

Thing is, it has seriously gotten worse the past 3 years.
Was seeing family in a cafe we go to often, its quiet, no radio or music on just other people. The person I was sitting directly beside was speaking to me, and
I just heard "mumble mumble and then mumble" etc and the rest of the table talking about whatever, I could not join in.
I felt like I may as well not even be there at all.

So thats why I likely wont go to that birthday party and will end up cancelling that drink among other reasons.

Its getting very very isolating.

I already have very bad social anxiety and never went to a single event for my 1st year at Uni. By the end of 1st year in the final month I was "ready" to go out with some closer acquaintances. More mentally prepared I guessed?
But I met with someone in a cafe even, and I could not hear them at all. I feel like look stupid not answering properly.
If I am in a quiet room I can hear you 100% and pin drop etc, I feel like I can't say "Do you mind if we meet at xyz instead of abc because I have some hearing problems recently" when they said your hardly fecking deaf sure you can hear me grand type mentality.
So instead I stay inside. The genetic dr depressingly asked me about "any hearing loss?" and when I said I think so and described it, he just scribbled down a lot of notes then said its common with CT.

I promise this is my last whiney post (mainly as I am going to bed).

Gremlinertia

Hey, this is what the thread is for. Sometimes we just have to rant and it's safe to do so here..

Shint0

Tell me how wrote: »

Dogs are cool. Unconditional love and all that.

For sure! Better than any anti-d in my opinion and experience.

That dog is adorable, failinis. One of mine is a bit similar and sharp as a fox. Your name is publicly viewable. Not sure if you are aware of that or maybe it doesn't bother you.

That is a challenge trying to get doctors to take you seriously. I'm a bit surprised a comment of that nature would be recorded on your file as client or patient notes should always be objective, neutral and stick to the facts.

I'm not sure if you have ever had a mental health diagnosis or received any treatment. Where it might be within the same health service provider and on file unfortunately current or historical mental health difficulties can sometimes stick regardless of how far back and can colour some doctors' opinions if they have access to that information.

Don't be afraid to get second opinions with the cardiac issue although I think you have gone down that route with your other health challenges so you know the score already. If it turns out to be all interrelated you will probably have a multidisciplinary team involved to treat the various issues.

failinis

Shint0 wrote: »

For sure! Better than any anti-d in my opinion and experience.

That dog is adorable, failinis. One of mine is a bit similar and sharp as a fox. Your name is publicly viewable. Not sure if you are aware of that or maybe it doesn't bother you.

That is a challenge trying to get doctors to take you seriously. I'm a bit surprised a comment of that nature would be recorded on your file as client or patient notes should always be objective, neutral and stick to the facts.

I'm not sure if you have ever had a mental health diagnosis or received any treatment. Where it might be within the same health service provider and on file unfortunately current or historical mental health difficulties can sometimes stick regardless of how far back and can colour some doctors' opinions if they have access to that information.

Don't be afraid to get second opinions with the cardiac issue although I think you have gone down that route with your other health challenges so you know the score already. If it turns out to be all interrelated you will probably have a multidisciplinary team involved to treat the various issues.

On my name, I never use the as gaeilge name in real life, and I use that flickr to post to the photography fourm on here so its known on boards/online so thats fine - thanks for pointing it out though.

Yes, that little dog is sharp as a fox as well, you can see she is not entertained by me in the photo. Too smart for me :P

When I mentioned about "if they have it in my notes that I have some mental illness which clouds their view such as hypochondria" that was an assumption.
I have no idea if anything of that sort is suggested in my notes but going on how doctors have been getting no answer to my seemingly endless complaints I can really see it happening.
As far as I know, I don't have any kind of mental health struggles on file as I never bothered with doctors when depressed/anxious but yes that stuff sticks sometimes in a negative way.

Ha, I have had more than second opinions on my cardiac problems but feel its pointless, I have gone 20 years with no explanation at all. I will be turned away as usual being told there is nothing.
But given the concerned tone of my brother who has a medical background, I will be asking to be referred to a cardiologist when I am back in England ASAP anyway for a check up and scan of my aorta which should have been happening yearly. Its just hard to take it seriously when you kinda know the doctors will be giving up on me even if I go to them.

If its inter related (and likely genetic) then I guess it means I will continue being ill for the rest of my life, and its going to be "managing" not "curing" but at least I might have medical professionals not dismissing me.

Thanks everyone anyway, I really needed that off my chest.

Hugo Stiglitz

Mood crashed along with a dose of heightened associated sh!t this weekend. Hate this.

Tell me how

Hugo Stiglitz wrote:

Mood crashed along with a dose of heightened associated sh!t this weekend. Hate this.

Sorry to hear that Hugo.
Temporary blip hopefully. Any reason in particular it happened now that you can work on?

Hugo Stiglitz

Tell me how wrote: »

Sorry to hear that Hugo.
Temporary blip hopefully. Any reason in particular it happened now that you can work on?

Despite the medication etc, it just hits me from time to time. Hopefully it'll pass soon.

Hope ye are all keeping well there.

Gremlinertia

Howdy Hugo, how's today going for you so far?

Hugo Stiglitz

Gremlinertia wrote: »

Howdy Hugo, how's today going for you so far?

Quiet enough day here today. Not sure if that's good for the head or not!

How about you there?

Gremlinertia

Restorative before work hopefully. I'm ok, rumbles of guilt and self loathing that i'm attempting not to listen to

Shint0

I have absolutely no motivation today. Mood is good/happy but I think it's hormonal and obviously when motivation keeps going south it can affect your mood after a while.

When I was having a pre-consultation for one of my ADHD assessments two years ago I told a registrar that I felt the ADHD symptoms, body clock/seasonal issues and hormones were all interconnected somehow. I asked if I could have a hormonal panel done at the same time. He looked at me blankly and said they never do anything like that.

Later I was referred to someone else at the same clinic. I told him what the other doctor said and he said he wasn't surprised; how he is aware himself how mental health issues and hormones interact for women but is never given due consideration. He more or less called the other doctor a numpty which I was surprised as I thought they would sing from the same hymn sheet.

So thumbs down to doctors who don't listen.

BaaLamb

Gremlinertia wrote: »

Restorative before work hopefully. I'm ok, rumbles of guilt and self loathing that i'm attempting not to listen to

Hi Gremlinertia and Hugo, sounds like you are both having / have had a bit if a crappy time this weekend. I'm sorry to hear that and hope that things pick up a bit tomorrow.

Hugo Stiglitz

BaaLamb wrote: »

Hi Gremlinertia and Hugo, sounds like you are both having / have had a bit if a crappy time this weekend. I'm sorry to hear that and hope that things pick up a bit tomorrow.

Thanks, BaaLamb.

Hope you're well there.

norwegianwood

I've made the decision to move to Dublin to start a job related to my career, and I'm going from excitement to panic that I won't be able to handle it with my mental state, I'm leaving a fairly nice, low-pressure job to do this and I'm scared that I'm taking a huge risk.

Hugo Stiglitz

norwegianwood wrote: »

I've made the decision to move to Dublin to start a job related to my career, and I'm going from excitement to panic that I won't be able to handle it with my mental state, I'm leaving a fairly nice, low-pressure job to do this and I'm scared that I'm taking a huge risk.

Best of luck, NW. I hope it all turns out well there.

Gremlinertia

Impressive NW, if you need to vent at any point you can always bring it here..

BaaLamb

norwegianwood wrote: »

I've made the decision to move to Dublin to start a job related to my career, and I'm going from excitement to panic that I won't be able to handle it with my mental state, I'm leaving a fairly nice, low-pressure job to do this and I'm scared that I'm taking a huge risk.

You can but try! Well done on being brave enough to take the risk. Am rooting for you!!!

worded

The Black dog of depression .... That's what Churchill called it
This short video is clever
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=XiCrniLQGYc

Gremlinertia

I've watched that a couple of times Worded, it's a good video, especially for people needing a little help getting thieir head around things..

BaaLamb

The anxiety is overwhelming this morning. I've had nothing but rejection from jobs I've applied for thus far. To be fair none of them were in the sector I've worked in but I definitely have the transferable skills. I've been told several times I'm overqualified. I just want a job so that I can support my family and pay my mortgage especially since OH will also be out of work at the end of this month. The stress is really exacerbating my anxiety and affecting my mood which has been low for much of this year already. I just feel powerless and the hopelessness comes over me in waves. I know I've probably already said this 100 times before but I just need to get it out of my head somehow.

Shint0

BaaLamb wrote: »

The anxiety is overwhelming this morning. I've had nothing but rejection from jobs I've applied for thus far. To be fair none of them were in the sector I've worked in but I definitely have the transferable skills. I've been told several times I'm overqualified. I just want a job so that I can support my family and pay my mortgage especially since OH will also be out of work at the end of this month. The stress is really exacerbating my anxiety and affecting my mood which has been low for much of this year already. I just feel powerless and the hopelessness comes over me in waves. I know I've probably already said this 100 times before but I just need to get it out of my head somehow.

When you have some luck on the employment situation I'm sure things will ease up for you a little. If you don't mind me asking how are you applying for jobs? Are you just sending out CVs or using any other methods?

A lot of people tend to rely on sending out as many CVs as possible as it's the most common form when there are plenty of other avenues to source a job as well e.g. cold calling, networking via past/present connections, business and specialist interest groups. These methods can involve being a little bit more pro-active and courageous but often give very good return on effort. You are motivated now anyway which is great.

BaaLamb

Shint0 wrote: »

When you have some luck on the employment situation I'm sure things will ease up for you a little. If you don't mind me asking how are you applying for jobs? Are you just sending out CVs or using any other methods?

A lot of people tend to rely on sending out as many CVs as possible as it's the most common form when there are plenty of other avenues to source a job as well e.g. cold calling, networking via past/present connections, business and specialist interest groups. These methods can involve being a little bit more pro-active and courageous but often give very good return on effort. You are motivated now anyway which is great.

Hi Shint0, you are very good to respond to me. I am using a combination of approaches I guess. I am networking using existing contacts, contacts of friends and applying for advertised jobs. I've also tried agencies but to be honest they haven't a clue what to do with me as most of them have never come across my profession. I may have to look into becoming self-employed but there are a lot of reasons for not wanting to go down this route not least that people are so bad to pay and it is hard to make a living in this way. It also brings a lot of additional stress that I would have liked to avoid if possible for the sake of my own wellbeing.

Esel

Maybe revise your CV? There are lots of resources online to help with this.

Also, your covering letter is *very* important - it should be *totally* customised for each application you make; should show that you have done some research (i.e. you know what they do, and where they want to go); and explain how you can fulfill the role; maybe with a suggestion or two.

The worst covering letter, and the quickest way into the bin, is:

Dear blah,

I enclose herewith my application form / CV.

Hoping to hear from you soon.

Yours,

Etc.

---

tl/dr

Customise.

Your CV (important).

Your covering letter (very, *very* important).

---

It will happen (things will come good), for you and your partner.

Hope this helps.

BaaLamb

Thanks for the good wishes and advice Esel, I can't tell you how much the online support on this thread is appreciated. I have had my CV worked on by a career coach / adviser as part of my redundancy and it was written to try to highlight the transferable skills I have. The careers guy also provided advice on cover letters and I have been trying to tailor them to the jobs I'm applying for. I find the CV tweaking and cover letter writing very challenging to be honest and I'm not 100% sure why.

I'm sitting here crying now because I just feel so hopeless, sorry.

Gremlinertia

BaaLamb, you are working hard and your multi pronged approach is spot on i think. Do you use things like linkedin etc? I'm in the middle of severe chest clamping panic right now. Don't think I'll sleep today at all.

BaaLamb

Gremlinertia wrote: »

BaaLamb, you are working hard and your multi pronged approach is spot on i think. Do you use things like linkedin etc? I'm in the middle of severe chest clamping panic right now. Don't think I'll sleep today at all.

Yes I use LinkedIn for all the good it seems to do me.

I'm really sorry you are in the midst of a panic attack, it is fupping awful and indescribable to people who have never had one. Is there anything that will help you loosen the grip of the panic?

BaaLamb

Another morning of crying and being afraid. Unable to get out of bed and panicking about finding work. I think this is getting worse and I can't get hold of anyone in the service. Shall have to try again today.