Anxiety and depression thread (Please read OP)

Hugo Stiglitz

Tell me how wrote: »

Some day it won't. Believe that.

I'd like to believe that.

Gremlinertia

How are people today?

Hugo Stiglitz

Gremlinertia wrote: »

How are people today?

Another day, another dollar of sorts.

How's the best mod on Boards?

Gremlinertia

It's same old here too, battling a bit today, generally a good one which makes me anxious because something will certainly go wrong according to my thoughts.. Hoping to sleep through it later.

Hugo Stiglitz

Gremlinertia wrote: »

It's same old here too, battling a bit today, generally a good one which makes me anxious because something will certainly go wrong according to my thoughts.. Hoping to sleep through it later.

The fear of something going wrong is a terrible thing to have hanging over you. I hope it passes soon (and without anything actually going wrong too.

Gremlinertia

Hope you're managing day to day too man.

Hugo Stiglitz

Gremlinertia wrote: »

Hope you're managing day to day too man.

Sometimes ups, sometimes downs. Trying to keep my mind on track.

Gremlinertia

A day off a week or so from this second guessing, mood swing nonsense would be nice..

mansize

today was an on edge day

failinis

I got good and bad news today so I feel all mixed up.

Got a text from house I wanted landlord saying what day did I want to move in and what was my email address to send contract tonight/tomorrow. So I am uet to sign it but basically it is a yes.

My current landlady went back on her word (which is my own fault for not having a record of) as she said if I had to leave suddenly before contract up then she keep deposit and I owe 1 month rent. That was said to me verbally while signing the main contract. However she demanded 3 month rent to be paid before I leave on monday. Thats a lot. My brother said he will lend me it.
Uni gives me a bursary end of feb which i can pay brother back then.
She keeps my deposit which is more than my montly rent anyway as wel. It IS my fault and a learning curve. I feel guilty asking for a loan of sibling even tho I know i can pay him woth busry next month.

I went to friend house to relax and only home 1.30am and i am veru tried so woll try sleep. I see my typig is slipping up so bed timem

Just so stressed and mix of news

BrianG23

failinis wrote: »

I got good and bad news today so I feel all mixed up.

Got a text from house I wanted landlord saying what day did I want to move in and what was my email address to send contract tonight/tomorrow. So I am uet to sign it but basically it is a yes.

My current landlady went back on her word (which is my own fault for not having a record of) as she said if I had to leave suddenly before contract up then she keep deposit and I owe 1 month rent. That was said to me verbally while signing the main contract. However she demanded 3 month rent to be paid before I leave on monday. Thats a lot. My brother said he will lend me it.
Uni gives me a bursary end of feb which i can pay brother back then.
She keeps my deposit which is more than my montly rent anyway as wel. It IS my fault and a learning curve. I feel guilty asking for a loan of sibling even tho I know i can pay him woth busry next month.

I went to friend house to relax and only home 1.30am and i am veru tried so woll try sleep. I see my typig is slipping up so bed timem

Just so stressed and mix of news

You should make a thread in the renting section. That kinda sounds illegal...check your contract!

failinis

BrianG23 wrote: »

You should make a thread in the renting section. That kinda sounds illegal...check your contract!

I will not go into detail here but she is allowed to do this.
It was a fixed contract - the only way I can leave is through a disscuasion and it is ultimately down to landlady to decide the terms I leave on.

My anger is that VERBALLY when I signed main contract she said if I left it was 1 month rent and she keeps deposit. I have no proof she said that etc, so my fault.

I feel angery and so tired. Ive barely slept and not eaten dinner cause nerves of waiting if I got the house or not etc then that last night with her.
Ive been fleeced and it wont be happening again as far as I can help it.

I am leaving here because it is not good for my mental health, I am isolated, I am not allowed guests over, I have no kitchen so I am barely eating, the landlady invades your privacy (I find my door unlock sometimes).
I do not complain on here about this landlady as I have enough going on in my life - but this has been a soul destroying year and a half in this place.
And seeing how she reacted my brother said to get out no matter what (then he said he would loan me the money) because of how ugh she is.

By Monday I will be in my new bed, have a kitchen, a living room, amazing.

Gremlinertia

That's rough about the rent, glad you can sort it out but ouch.. As you said it's happened now, learn from it and try not to let it get you down..

failinis

Gremlinertia wrote: »

That's rough about the rent, glad you can sort it out but ouch.. As you said it's happened now, learn from it and try not to let it get you down..

I just signed contract on new place and paid deposit so thats good news.

I am getting to see if Uni will give me anything to help with my dyslexia now its a 2hr meeting at 12. Might be good news.

Before I pay the 3 month rent as my current landlady wants I am asking for a written confirmation I only need to pay till April so she cant sting me later.

Gremlinertia

Day is hard here now. My mind has managed to sink me a bit and i was out of my safe places at the time so despite making my physical way out of those places my moods and nerves are a mess.. Damn it

Hugo Stiglitz

Gremlinertia wrote: »

Day is hard here now. My mind has managed to sink me a bit and i was out of my safe places at the time so despite making my physical way out of those places my moods and nerves are a mess.. Damn it

That sucks, G. *hugs*

StripedBoxers

Gremlinertia wrote: »

Day is hard here now. My mind has managed to sink me a bit and i was out of my safe places at the time so despite making my physical way out of those places my moods and nerves are a mess.. Damn it

Sorry to hear this Grem, I hope you're okay and I hope you feel better soon.

Failinis, I hope you are okay as well and I hope things improve for you soon. Your landlady sounds like a horrible person and I am sure in time karma will catch up with her, it always does with people who behave in ways she does I believe.

Hugo Stiglitz

Mood crashed again. So sick of this.

Gremlinertia

Hugo Stiglitz wrote: »

Mood crashed again. So sick of this.

Hugs Hugo, it really is sickening, i've had a day of hiding in bed because i was hungover, acting the idiot yesterday Self sabotage yet again ARGH :mad:

Hugo Stiglitz

Gremlinertia wrote: »

Hugs Hugo, it really is sickening, i've had a day of hiding in bed because i was hungover, acting the idiot yesterday Self sabotage yet again ARGH :mad:

Don't be too hard on yourself there, G. It can be hard to resist wanting to let loose every now and then.

Gremlinertia

I'll be aware of it and try the techniques to battle it, hope you're doing ok man.

Hugo Stiglitz

Gremlinertia wrote: »

I'll be aware of it and try the techniques to battle it, hope you're doing ok man.

Having a lazy day here.

If you need to chat, I'll be on all evening.

Gremlinertia

Same for you man, I'm here all week(end)

Hugo Stiglitz

Gremlinertia wrote: »

Same for you man, I'm here all week(end)

I love this thread.

Gremlinertia

Me too. I joined boards but didn't post much until i found here, it's helped both online and in the real world

Hugo Stiglitz

Gremlinertia wrote: »

Me too. I joined boards but didn't post much until i found here, it's helped both online and in the real world

Same here. Met a few nice friends along the way too.

Lady is a tramp

Lady is a tramp wrote: »

Crappy day today.

Had a nails appointment followed by a GP appointment (maybe my priorities are the wrong way around!) :pac: First time I've left the house in days.

Had a shower. Was stressing so much that I had to constantly remind myself what to do next, what order to put on my shampoo and conditioner and shave my legs etc. Took me forever.

Got dressed in a nice dress and cardi. Planned to do my make-up and dry my hair. However I was sweating so much from anxiety that I couldn't do either. And ended up changing clothes twice in the half hour before I left, to try to be in some way comfortable, since I was going to be looking crap anyways.

Nails appointment. I was so shaky and sweaty and ill-looking that the beautician went and got her manager to see if we could go ahead with it! I did explain about my anxiety, and they did it in the end, but it was just a mortifying situation to be in.

Then walking through my hometown, which I don't visit often, and seeing seventeen billion people that I recognise, and so many others that I know I should recognise but don't, and wondering how many people are looking at me and recognising me and judging me.

GP appointment. Hadn't seen him in a year (usually go to a different GP) and had to briefly condense the dramatic events of the past year into the shortest time possible (I hate taking up medical peoples' time when I'm feeling like such a waste of space, so often rush my speech and keep it as brief as possible, however I did have to update him and it was upsetting.) At least he had no problem with prescribing me benzos when he saw the mess of me (I'm very aware of the dangers of benzos, I only rarely take them when I really need to, I get no buzz or peace out of them. But I know myself well enough to know when I do need them.)

Arrived home shaking and sweating and generally an absolute mess. And I had to talk to my parents, and I hate them seeing me in an anxious/panicked state, they were so visibly upset at seeing me like that. So unfair on them, it was especially crap to see my dad's face. The shock and sadness and worry.

Ugh. I'm a mess, a f*cked up crazy horrible mess. He suggested 3 tablets 3 times a day, but prescribed enough that I can have 12 a day if I feel I need them. I've taken 3 but am tempted to take a 4th as they're really not kicking in, even an hour later!

(As I said, I'm well WELL aware of the dangers of benzos, especially with my history of addiction issues, this is a very once-off event! And not looking for medical advice or anything like that, he did tell me to take more if I needed them and prescribed enough for me to do so!)

I just wish I was normal. And happy. And healthy. And functional.

Jesus it's disturbing reading back on that message. It was six months ago, on a Friday evening at 18:43 that I wrote the above. I woke up in hospital on the Saturday morning, NOT in a good way, having taken ALL of the tablets I mentioned. And I remember just thinking, FFS, hospital? I'm meant to be dead right now, I can't even kill myself right?!

Happy to say I'm a million gazillion miles away from that headspace now. I'm not "fixed" but I'm very happy with myself and my life as it is right now. I was about as low as a person can be when I wrote the above, I didn't see the point in going on or even trying to get better. And it DID take time, but you know, I'm glad there's no magical overnight solution ... because if getting to where I am right now was fast or easy, I just don't think I'd be able to appreciate it as much as I do!

Tell me how

Lady is a tramp wrote:

Happy to say I'm a million gazillion miles away from that headspace now. I'm not "fixed" but I'm very happy with myself and my life as it is right now. I was about as low as a person can be when I wrote the above, I didn't see the point in going on or even trying to get better. And it DID take time, but you know, I'm glad there's no magical overnight solution ... because if getting to where I am right now was fast or easy, I just don't think I'd be able to appreciate it as much as I do!

Well done. That's a very positive post to read this morning. You could print both posts and keep them to read in future.
That has cheered me up a bit to read it.

veganrun

Well it seems work has improved somewhat. I spoke to my manager and said I was interested in that other role they mentioned so they are going to start the ball rolling on that.

It's funny how you're brain works. Yesterday it turns out there was a gas leak in my apartment. I thought I could smell something from the boiler but it wasn't a strong smell. They came and tested it, found a leak and shut off the gas. Another guy then had to come and actually fix it which he did. While this was happening my mind started going "first your job, now this. This whole move and job is turning out to be a bad idea". But I knew if I started thinking like that, I would spiral and start looking for other things that are going wrong or which I don't like.

But now I'm paranoid about a gas leak. The boiler was just serviced a week and a half ago and there were no issues but it turned out it was a pipe going into the boiler which needed a nut to be tightened causing the leak. I was talking to one of my sister's who says I'm overreacting. She said I did what I was supposed to do and they fixed it. But typical me, I start doubting everything.

Hugo Stiglitz

Lady is a tramp wrote: »

Jesus it's disturbing reading back on that message. It was six months ago, on a Friday evening at 18:43 that I wrote the above. I woke up in hospital on the Saturday morning, NOT in a good way, having taken ALL of the tablets I mentioned. And I remember just thinking, FFS, hospital? I'm meant to be dead right now, I can't even kill myself right?!

Happy to say I'm a million gazillion miles away from that headspace now. I'm not "fixed" but I'm very happy with myself and my life as it is right now. I was about as low as a person can be when I wrote the above, I didn't see the point in going on or even trying to get better. And it DID take time, but you know, I'm glad there's no magical overnight solution ... because if getting to where I am right now was fast or easy, I just don't think I'd be able to appreciate it as much as I do!

Delight to hear it.