Poetry feedback

sryanbruen

Can I have some feedback please on my latest poem 'Snow'?

Rising up from slumbers ready to tolerate life's dilemmas
Recalling back when I was just a kid, I was fearless
Hiking through the snow on glacial pavements
Participating with other youth and the childhood amazement

Watching the sky powder all Winter long over us
People with the flu and others saying what's the fuss
Skiing along the snow on frosty concrete
Feeling jovial and declare that life is complete

These days we don't see any winter wonderlands
Strolled on the beach, noticing the icy sands
Once I was ten years old lying in the snow
Throwing slush at a crowd putting on a show

We can all dream to have a time like this again
Pray to god saying a prayer, Amen
I felt once I was in an undiscovered place called Paradise
But now all we suffer is prevailing ice

limerickgirl16

Lovely poem! Well done! Hurry up summer

sryanbruen

limerickgirl16 wrote: »

Lovely poem! Well done! Hurry up summer

Thank you very much LOL

Boater123

No expert on poetry, but I did like it. Thanks.

bilbot79

Good poem. Would have liked a bit more drama or imagery in it. Perhaps 'normal' everyday language overused a bit.

I liked the reminiscent feel to it but seems to be missing the powerful 'with hands like spades' kind of metaphor that could drive it up a notch

sryanbruen

bilbot79 wrote: »

Good poem. Would have liked a bit more drama or imagery in it. Perhaps 'normal' everyday language overused a bit.

I liked the reminiscent feel to it but seems to be missing the powerful 'with hands like spades' kind of metaphor that could drive it up a notch

I'm not really good with similes (correction: that's a simile, the use of "like") though tbh. I have used only similes in my poem 'Rain Over Me' I think. Thanks anyways.

sryanbruen

Thank you for the instant feedback everybody. It really means a lot to me.

gerrycorrigan

I would appreciate any feedback on the offering below...

A Lost Day

This hopeless day trundles on
Aimlessly spending
Time trying to extract worth
From loss.

The greyness is the ultimate
And last word in present fashion.

Why do I bother?

Because......I exist,
And therefore I must maintain
My aims.

sryanbruen

gerrycorrigan wrote: »

I would appreciate any feedback on the offering below...

A Lost Day

This hopeless day trundles on
Aimlessly spending
Time trying to extract worth
From loss.

The greyness is the ultimate
And last word in present fashion.

Why do I bother?

Because......I exist,
And therefore I must maintain
My aims.

A little bit limited for my liking - as in I don't see much vivid imagery but I did enjoy it!! Good poem bro (y) 7/10

Can you feedback my one please?

I meant to also say, anybody is free to post their own poetry here for feedback!

gerrycorrigan

I liked it.....it evokes memories of myself being a ten year old and enjoying the snow and all the activities it brings.
The last verse brings a sad tone - regret maybe?
On a negative note I found it a small bit disjointed at times e.g. Jumping from snow/ice imagery to beach/sand.

Although I did like it. Do you write much poetry?
And if so, how do you decide on a theme / subject?

sryanbruen

Thanks. Yeah I have written about 5-6 poems and about 4/5 of them are sad and depressing.

I decide on my poem theme or subject by life experiences.

"Snow" was chosen because of my life experience of enjoying the snow when I was younger - 2010.

"Rain Over Me" was chosen because of my life experience of the death of my nanny and how I feel like committing suicide because nothing is worth it since she died.

Titles of my poems
'Snow'
'Cá nDeachaigh Tú?' (Where Did You Go?)
'Teacher's Pet'
'Rain Over Me'
'Cancer is a B****'
'One Christmas'

Looking here I have written 6 poems with 4 of them about my nanny. Rain Over Me and Snow are my personal favourites.

Lavinia

Lovely thread and poems... seems it takes some courage to post a poem... but I will try...



...


your voice
a sound
and suddenly
the universe
is opening
inside
of me

how
why
who cares

swimming
in the heart
of the ocean

feeling
not thinking
at all

heathledgerlove

gerrycorrigan wrote: »

I would appreciate any feedback on the offering below...

A Lost Day

This hopeless day trundles on
Aimlessly spending
Time trying to extract worth
From loss.

The greyness is the ultimate
And last word in present fashion.

Why do I bother?

Because......I exist,
And therefore I must maintain
My aims.

This is striking! Wonderful use of enjambment ! Really lifts it

endacl

I began to write a poem.

...at home.

I couldn't stop. I wrote a tome. My Quinky ink, it turned to foam.

Lavinia

You've gone
still - you are so close to me

I see your empty messages
still - I know you are thinking of me

Walking
with your caress under my skin
with your closed eyes in front of mine

Time will pass quickly
until our paths meet on some crossroads again

I refuse to think
shall we choose the same highway then or
we will part

Because
I believe

when two souls meet in that holy silence
of fulfillment
as ours did

they will always remain and be
in the same universe
as one

gerrycorrigan

I liked this. Got me wondering about content and theme.....is it about loss as in a bereavement?
A couple of corrections though....time passes quickly, not fast, choose instead of chose and finally holy instead of holly.
Thanks for posting.

Lavinia

gerrycorrigan wrote: »

I liked this. Got me wondering about content and theme.....is it about loss as in a bereavement?
A couple of corrections though....time passes quickly, not fast, choose instead of chose and finally holy instead of holly.
Thanks for posting.

Thank you Gerry, will correct it..
Believe it or not I had a word "quickly" originally, but somehow did not like the sound of it, even it is correct one to use

Other words yes, I should use the sellcheck before I post so will in the future

:have a good day!

Lavinia

I feel I'm falling
falling in love
in a deep space
dark-blue and filled
with shining distant
silver stars

I'm raising my hands
above my head
would love to reach them
touch them with my fingers
but I'm just falling
deeper and deeper

afraid and surprised
as a child left
in the middle of the beautiful forest

femur61

sryanbruen wrote: »

Can I have some feedback please on my latest poem 'Snow'?

Rising up from slumbers ready to tolerate life's dilemmas
Recalling back when I was just a kid, I was fearless
Hiking through the snow on glacial pavements
Participating with other youth and the childhood amazement

Watching the sky powder all Winter long over us
People with the flu and others saying what's the fuss
Skiing along the snow on frosty concrete
Feeling jovial and declare that life is complete

These days we don't see any winter wonderlands
Strolled on the beach, noticing the icy sands
Once I was ten years old lying in the snow
Throwing slush at a crowd putting on a show

We can all dream to have a time like this again
Pray to god saying a prayer, Amen
I felt once I was in an undiscovered place called Paradise
But now all we suffer is prevailing ice

I'm no expert on poetry but I thought it was very nice.

sryanbruen

I meant to ask how is this slideshow (featuring my poem 'Snow')?

sryanbruen

I am ready to share my poem 'Rain Over Me'. How is it?

Happiness is a treasure, to me these days
Every day passing by, is worthless since that August
Life is callous, like a stormy day
Suicidal thoughts were blank, when it was all flawless

Many promises and my heart, have been shattered
Malicious mankind, in such a big world
Been through disasters, like walking under a ladder
But this time, it's way much worse

Tears are words, the heart can't say
I get lost, inside my mind
But sometimes, you gotta pretend everything is okay
Even though there is no good in goodbye

Insect Overlord

sryanbruen wrote: »

I am ready to share my poem 'Rain Over Me'. How is it?

Happiness is a treasure, to me these days
Every day passing by, is worthless since that August
Life is callous, like a stormy day
Suicidal thoughts were blank, when it was all flawless

Many promises and my heart, have been shattered
Malicious mankind, in such a big world
Been through disasters, like walking under a ladder
But this time, it's way much worse

Tears are words, the heart can't say
I get lost, inside my mind
But sometimes, you gotta pretend everything is okay
Even though there is no good in goodbye

You could lose most of the commas. They're just jarring, really. They're breaking up phrases in places that don't need breaks. The first verse would work quite well without them.

"Malicious mankind" is a great pair of words, but then you don't do anything with them.
"Been through disasters" - who has been through the disasters? You, or mankind? It isn't clear. And is walking under a ladder really a disaster? Maybe mention bad luck or bad omens instead of disaster.
"way worse" or "much worse" but not "way much worse". Maybe change "way" to "so" or a second "much".

The third verse is also pretty strong, and would be very good without the extra commas. Maybe read it out loud to yourself a few times and see if you can lose a syllable or two from the last few lines. That would improve the flow of the rhythm a little bit.

sryanbruen

An File wrote: »

You could lose most of the commas. They're just jarring, really. They're breaking up phrases in places that don't need breaks. The first verse would work quite well without them.

"Malicious mankind" is a great pair of words, but then you don't do anything with them.
"Been through disasters" - who has been through the disasters? You, or mankind? It isn't clear. And is walking under a ladder really a disaster? Maybe mention bad luck or bad omens instead of disaster.
"way worse" or "much worse" but not "way much worse". Maybe change "way" to "so" or a second "much".

The third verse is also pretty strong, and would be very good without the extra commas. Maybe read it out loud to yourself a few times and see if you can lose a syllable or two from the last few lines. That would improve the flow of the rhythm a little bit.

I agree with everything you said except the "disasters" part and the "way much worse" part. When I say them, they sound okay to me.

Yes, walking under a ladder is a disaster due to bad luck. Like once I walked under a ladder and it fell on top of me. When I say "much much worse" or "so much worse", they seem weird to me and I much prefer "way much worse" (probably because that's what I have heard all my life compared to the other suggestions).

Here's the poem re-done then

Happiness is a treasure to me these days
Every day passing by is worthless since that August
Life is callous like a stormy day
Suicidal thoughts were blank when it was all flawless

Many promises and my heart have been shattered
Malicious mankind in such a big world
I've been through disasters like walking under a ladder
But this time, it's way much worse

Tears are words, the heart can't say
I get lost inside my mind
But sometimes ya gotta pretend everything is okay
Though there is no good in goodbye