Problem bonding with baby

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I decided to go unreg'd for this, as I'm a regular poster.

My baby is 11 months old now. She's healthy, a good eater and sleeps fairly well.

But, the truth is, that I haven't bonded with her as well as I'd like. She's a very independent baby, isn't clingy at all, and rarely likes affection. (I kid you not, she hates being kissed or cuddled).
So I'm finding it hard to bond with her. I play with her as much as I can (I work full time).

She never 'looks' for me, or pines for me, or cries when I walk away.

I think I'm intimidated by her.

I'm worried that we'll never properly bond.

I'm wondering if anyone else has had problems bonding with their babies? Did it get better?

fro9etb8j5qsl2

A friend of mine struggled with the same problem. Her daughter absolutely hated being held/cuddled/kissed and my friend took it as a personal rejection, and used to get quite upset about it (her first daughter had been the total opposite so it came as a huge surprise). It took her a long time to just accept that it wasn't her fault and that her little girl was just an independent soul.

She found laughter was quite good for helping them bond so she would go out of her way to find things that made her daughter laugh. Also, simply getting down on the floor and 'into the world of the child' helped. She found it got better and easier when her daughter became a toddler and got more involved and interested in the world around her, there was more that they could do together etc. Her little girl is now a lovely pre-teen and they have a great relationship

I have heard of it a few times before so it's definitely not uncommon.

Leinster1980

My little fella is 11 months too and like your own little one he's so independent. The only time I felt close to him was when I was breastfeeding, I stopped at 5 1/2 months which I found so sad. He Wriggles away from hugs etc has no alligance to me at all. He goes to anyone, doesn't make strange and took to creche like a duck to water. He's only there two weeks mind you. The only time I get the cuddles is when he has a bump while finding his feet trying to walk. He'll be consoled and then off he goes again. As above I've just accepted that he's just an independent child. I get down on the floor and play with him and pretend chase him on my hands and knees which he loves. Bath times are great for bonding too.

moving_home

That's upsetting for you. Would you try games like this little piggy went to the market with her toes, round and round the garden on her hand, ring a rosy and horsey horsey....games that are very fun and full of anticipation but have some physical touch too.

Also baby sign is great for communicating and bonding. Teach her things like where her nose and different body parts are, put zips up and down, stack blocks etc. This is will encourage communication and bonding. Sitting on couch reading books together.

Laughing is great so tickling, crawling after her chasing her etc. Does she like peek a boo. Basically love bomb her and spend quality time together and I'm sure it will come.

Swimming is fantastic too as it builds trust.

Good luck.

Lucuma

OP it will get better! My little lady was similar. I went back to work very early and I have to travel a lot which meant she often spent weekends away from me as well and I don't think she knew who I was til she was nearly 1. She had no particular attachment to me because we spent a lot of time apart. It had its advantages as you say though in that she went to the childminder no bother, there was none of this tearful goodbye business, she was as happy to be with a stranger as to be with me.

She was also the same about hugs and cuddles, no interest! Very independent.

But she's 18 months now and has changed a lot. She does hugs, kisses and cuddles now. She's still a strong independent character (!) but once she started talking she identified me as ''Mama'' and him as ''Dada'' and she's well able to cry for her Mammy now!

I think moving_home's ideas are great about the little games that involve physical touch and peekabo. I also always blow raspberries on her belly when I'm changing her nappy and play games around nappy change (well I have to coz she Hates it!) like putting the (clean!!!) nappy on my head, pretending I can't find it and then letting it fall onto her and saying ''Ah there it is!!'she loves that. Or hiding behind her feet and doing peekabo during nappy change. Also when they're crying at night and don't want to go to sleep, that was the only time I used to sneak a cuddle in when she was in her ''I don't do affection phase''. Much as she hated cuddles, she still prefered them to being left in the cot crying!

She now crys when I leave her with anyone other than me, her Dad or her childminder (unless she's had a good bit of time to get used to that person) so what others have from a much younger age, we did get there eventually.

It will get better, just hang in there !!

LegacyUser

Hi All,

Thanks so much for your replies.

I actually do play with her, she likes Peekaboo, and I also blow raspberries on her belly. But she gets bored of these things very quickly.

I also tickle her when she's playing on her mat, or when I'm changing her nappy.

But it doesnt seem to be enough..

kittyo

I never join in discussions here - just usually browse for advise etc. However had to respond to you OP.

I was exactly the same as you. My little one is the most independent lady going. I don't know how many times I phoned my mum crying about how I didn't understand that she wouldn't cuddle me or didn't want any affection from me. I found it very hard. She was from the start very independent (strong willed and determined). Will go to anyone and is one of lifes 'get on with it' children as my mum calls her. It's a fabulous way for a child to be but very hard on mums. My husband didn't get why I was upset at all. I worried that I hadn't bonded with her or that it was because I had a c-section or that it was because I didn't breastfeed her. It got to a stage when I was afraid to show affection because I was so worried about rejection.

Anyway we got over it. We were affectionate whatever way she felt comfortable with. Loads and loads of silly playing, dancing and I grabbed cuddles at night when she woke for bottles or if she was sickly.

She has just turned 2 and it seems over the last couple of months she has become an all rounder. She loves cuddles now (but on her own terms - she will come over and give the most awesome cuddles and kisses but try to grab them off her yourself and you will be in trouble). She asks for me now when I leave and sometimes might have a bit of a cry. Her favorite thing now is to say 'that's MY mammy' and hug my leg (and on inside I melt with happiness).

Don't worry OP - it will come. You're doing nothing wrong. I know it's upsetting but try not to let it get to you or show it to your little one when you feel rejected.

volchitsa

Yes I think the most useful thing for new mums to know is that you'll always tend to feel you're doing it wrong, and it's your fault your child does or doesn't do this or that - but it really isn't, they have their own personalities too as you'll see!

I have three, two (a boy and a girl, so not a gender thing) were very affectionate, would have sat all day on my knee, clung to me physically and all the rest. The other boy, my eldest, was the opposite, didn't care about snuggles, was always off doing things, but now that they're nearly grown, that doesn't even say much about how close they are to us now, because he's probably the one that spends most time just talking to us and hanging out with his parents!

So don't worry, enjoy each of them for how they are (snuggles are great, but otoh it's no laugh when you can't get out of the house for 5 minutes without a child acting like you're selling her into adoption!) and their personalities will develop as they're meant to.

I think being a good parent is about learning to adapt your style to what works best for that child, and without the others feeling that they're less cared for either - not always all that easy, but it can be done!

Best of luck, and most of all, don't worry about it, you can't change their personality, so just get to know your little one instead, see how he changes as he learns new things - it'll be far more rewarding for both of you that worrying about how it "should" be!

LegacyUser

I had to logout and post anon because this post upset me so much.
I'm an adult whose heard since I was a child that I was an 'independent' baby and never hugged or kissed my mother. She would regularly tell me she didn't know what was 'wrong' with me because when I was a newborn I would 'push' her away and settle without her. Hearing these stories has had a devastating impact on me over the years. I grew up acting like she described, but I was never really independent, I was faking it because she had labelled me as this and I felt I had to act that way. There were many times I had big problems in school that she never heard about because I was the 'independent' child who never needed her, not like my siblings who were 'proper' cuddly babies.
Please, please, please stop labelling your child. A child doesn't know the right or the wrong way to act. Please don't describe her to others as 'independent' or see her that way, please cuddle her and tell her she is just a baby and she will develop her own cues. Please don't continue to see her as she is now because she may well turn out to listen to those labels and cues and it can be a lifelong burden. I remember choking back tears when i was three or four because my mother had told me I was independent so my reaction was to chastise myself in my head for losing control.
I hope i'm not being too dramatic, I just had such a visceral reaction to this post and it raised so many negative emotions in me.

pwurple

Sounds like you have a different personality to your daughter around this.

I'm never up for people pawing me, so I got some serious land with my first child, because she is very physical. Even at age 5, still loves cuddles and hugs and wants to be sitting on you all the time. I found that very hard going. Really felt I had no personal space at all. I was gritting my teeth and putting up with it more than enjoying it.

Second child is much more like me. Likes her personal space, not one for hugs or kisses. I found it much easier to bond with her, because we were more similar.


She may remain hands-off, but that doesn't mean she won't love you. It's just a different way of expressing it.