advice needed please...

lostHusband

I have for the most part an irritable, impatient personality and I am argumentative when it comes to defending my behaviour. I am a difficult person to live with. I often lose my temper and regularly shout and scream at my wife and children. Our house is noisy, far from peaceful due to the many arguments taking place between us all, between parents and children and between children and children. We all seem to scream and argue and it is exceptional when we discuss things rationally or patiently.

There are many things wrong with our marriage and I know that I have been responsible for destructive things over the years. For example, challenges in controlling my emotions, abundant negative feelings and general feelings of unhappiness have made for a very obnoxious concoction of self-doubt, hostility and anger within me and understandably this has been most difficult for my wife to cope with.

In the same breath I have lacked courage, the ability to stand up for myself without coming across as an inarticulate fool when required. I have constant self-criticism and it is debilitating. However I do have very positive traits and I am a good man and good father. It is just more difficult to celebrate and demonstrate these characteristics in our marriage.

There is little value to be gained in pointing out what I think are my wife's faults and shortcomings because at the end of day I know she is a brilliant person. She is intelligent, funny and emotionally very strong. Historically however I was made feel humiliated, embarrassed, useless, inferior, vulnerable and unaccepted in her family’s company which has drained me over the years. We as a couple suffered actually, as we allowed those others to have more control over our destiny than we gave ourselves. As a result we lived our marriage at a quite high level detached manner, without depth, emotion and intimacy.

Even when we do not argue or when we go out and have a nice time I remain unattracted to my wife. Physically we have not been intimate in at least 2 years. When we did have sex it was always initiated by her. Together I felt an awkwardness, a lack of passion and desire. It was sex that did not make me want more. That's of course fine if both partners were happy with that level of closeness but I know my wife wanted more from me but I had no interest in her. I have not and will not ever be attracted to my wife. This is a big issue for both of us. I have never admitted this.

I do not love my wife. I do not see us growing old together and I feel little attachment or part of her life. We did however attend marriage counselling for several months and we thankfully both learned how to apologise to each other for our shortcomings. But at the end of the day and while I write these words, deep inside of me I am unsure that care enough to make a real fundamental difference to what has happened and I am not sure we are suitable to resolution. We have certainly hurt each other and neglected one another for many years now by not listening and by taking each other for granted.

My wife argues that I am very unhappy (i am) and that I point out her faults and shortcomings (yes).

What I do want for my wife and for me is to be happy for the rest of our lives. We cannot continue like this torturing each other and we do not bring out the best in each other. We deserve future opportunities for happiness. This is very difficult for me and I know it is for her as well. I get very upset even thinking of the young children whom we both love.
I can really only speak for myself and say that in the years that we have been married, I have never felt truly happy or truly free. We are in a loveless marriage. I know that neither she nor I are bad people. What we are guilty of is not having made appropriate efforts to flourish in the marriage. We have not been loyal to each other emotionally. We have not tried to calm the anger and frustration that is obvious between us.
We have been neglectful. I feel that my wife and I made a fundamental mistake in getting married. We do not love each other as people should. We are not kind, considerate or comforting to each other and we chose to be destructive to one another rather than being positive. We make each other unhappy. But I am trying to understand the future. What should I do. What can I do.

All this knowing that nobody is perfect.

It has come to ahead recently and we had another argument, I was out of line and eventually apologised to her. She however has now told me that she has had enough and that she wants me to move out under a trial separation period.

Stheno

OP what advice are you looking for?

It's hard to see from your post.

This may be better in relationship issues. Let me know if you want it moved

wuzziwig

It sounds to me that a trial separation would be a positive thing for you both. It may help you and her to sort out your feelings, emotions and where your head is at. You won't be able to do that properly if you continue on as you are.

I'm separated 3 years now. Different situation to yours as my ex is an alcoholic but our relationship was toxic and it should have ended long before it did. I have a new partner now and i can finally see how a relationship should be.

I know it's hard to contemplate with the kids but it sounds like the current environment is not very good for them. My kids have thrived since they started to live in a calm, stable environment. I'm glad to say my ex has copped on a bit and they are starting to have a proper relationship with him. One they never had when we were all together.

sadie1502

You sound so deeply unhappy. You need to help yourself and your mental state of mind before you can tackle anything else. Have you ever thought about attending therapy? Maybe speaking with someone professionally?

Maybe time apart would be beneficial for you both ? You say you do not find your wife attractive have you ever found her attractive? Is there something else going on ? Why are you so angry?

LegacyUser

OP your message has really moved me. It could have been written by me about my own relationship with my husband of 10 years and about my own feelings towards my husband - particularly the fact that I have never been physically attracted to him - something which has slowly eroded and poisoned our relationship over time, resulting in a constant cycle of contemptuous remarks, oneupmanship, mutual disrespect and basically an overwhelming lack of love. My husband said tonight that he wants a divorce. Part of me is relieved that we mightn't have to keep this charade marriage up for much longer but part of me is sad and wonders whether it's the right thing for our 3 small kids and also worries how I will survive financially - I gave up a well paid job 5 years ago to focus on the kids and he is threatening to crush me financially (his words, albeit in anger). What to do? How do you know when the right thing to do is to walk away?

Stheno

Shankillgal wrote: »

OP your message has really moved me. It could have been written by me about my own relationship with my husband of 10 years and about my own feelings towards my husband - particularly the fact that I have never been physically attracted to him - something which has slowly eroded and poisoned our relationship over time, resulting in a constant cycle of contemptuous remarks, oneupmanship, mutual disrespect and basically an overwhelming lack of love. My husband said tonight that he wants a divorce. Part of me is relieved that we mightn't have to keep this charade marriage up for much longer but part of me is sad and wonders whether it's the right thing for our 3 small kids and also worries how I will survive financially - I gave up a well paid job 5 years ago to focus on the kids and he is threatening to crush me financially (his words, albeit in anger). What to do? How do you know when the right thing to do is to walk away?

Consider mediation, it's free, you'll get an appointment fairly quick, and having a third party there takes away an awful lot of the nastiness.