How do working mums balance life!

emo72

emo72 wrote: »

i really dont think its possible to work full time and also be around for the kids. ideal situation one parent works and one parent raises the kids. probably old fashioned attitude, but its an honest view. kind of only really kicked off in the 90s both parents working full time and kids got sent to a creche. and then when the price of houses went sky high, there was no option but for both parents to work. its less than ideal.

I am insanely lucky that I work across the road (literally) from my wife, so we commute together, and my parents look after our son.

That alone takes so much pressure off

Shadylou

I wish I could afford help in the home but that's not an option for me as I am a single mother. My ex only sees the kids once a month or so and we are in the process of sorting out maintenance so for the time being it's just me. The only way I can do it is by being super organised and having as much done the night before. I'm very lucky that my mam lives near and she helps me out

pwurple

ahnowbrowncow wrote: »

Will the recent au pair judgement affect you both?

No. I had contacted both revenue and dept of foreign affairs before even talking to an au pair, and contacted them again since.

There's no change to status, no registration, no pps numbers to be issued, no prsi etc, despite the newspapers whittering on about it.

That judgement was about the host family treating the au pair like a slave with 60 hour weeks. Absolutely correct judgement, appaulling to hear that kind of thing. It should not affect any family who is not abusive.

pwurple

emo72 wrote: »

i really dont think its possible to work full time and also be around for the kids. ideal situation one parent works and one parent raises the kids. probably old fashioned attitude, but its an honest view. kind of only really kicked off in the 90s both parents working full time and kids got sent to a creche. and then when the price of houses went sky high, there was no option but for both parents to work. its less than ideal.

I think your timelines are off by a bit there, and possibly rose tinted.

From my understanding of history, there were a very small amount of middle-class women in the 80's who were able to be "kept" in some sort of SAHM situation and never contribute financially.

I know every woman in my own history has worked, from my mum, to my grandmothers (one seamstress and one farm manager) to my great grandmothers (milliners, church cleaner, farmers) and further back again. Same for my husband's side as far as he can trace. They worked in shops, took in laundry at home, etc.

I think it was some dream of de valera's alright, that the women would stay at home, looking pretty, shining the place up and dancing with the babies, but it wasn't any thing like that in reality for the ordinary working classes like us.

lazygal

pwurple wrote: »

No. I had contacted both revenue and dept of foreign affairs before even talking to an au pair, and contacted them again since.

There's no change to status, no registration, no pps numbers to be issued, no prsi etc, despite the newspapers whittering on about it.

That judgement was about the host family treating the au pair like a slave with 60 hour weeks. Absolutely correct judgement, appaulling to hear that kind of thing. It should not affect any family who is not abusive.

I contacted revenue before employing our minder. They were crystal clear that there's no such thing as an au pair in the tax system or any exemption for such and that they're employees once they earn more than €40 per week and work in your home. I wonder if this new judgment will change the conflicting information.

One eyed Jack

annettea wrote: »

Hi mums/dads
I work full time 41 hours and I am absolutely wrecked .. I have been kying down since 8 ,house is a mess, my 3 year old not played with. I feel so guilty.. I got up to put her to bed which she was great..
I work with children all day so im on my feet and my child is with someone else, and I feel I just cant do it anymore.
How do people balance?
I use to work 38 hours but the place I work with put up my hours , I said no because I knew I wouldn't be able but they were giving out saying its an extra 3 hours fair enough..but I can really feel it. How do other parents do it?
Thanks in advance for tips

It's easy for me to say you really shouldn't at all feel guilty OP, but seriously, I don't know anyone who hasn't felt like they aren't doing enough at times, berating themselves for not being super-human. My wife is a SATM and she constantly feels like she's "not contributing to society", and I have to remind her that I couldn't do what I do every day, without her doing what she does every day.

Back in the 80's, both my parents were working and they had seven children, so we were pretty much raised by our neighbour, and the only time we saw our parents were when we were in school (my mother was a primary school teacher), and my father would get home late in the evenings, and then we'd have a few minutes at night before we were all sent to bed.

When our own child was born, I was rarely around for the first four years of him growing up, due to work, and then he started school when I cut back on my workload to try and spend more time together as a family, but we only really got to spend any time together on a Sunday. I feel guilty that I wasn't there for the first years of his life, and now he's got a life of his own and it's me is wondering what time he'll be home at because he's gone from morning till he just walked in there at 10 o clock!!

Work/life balance is something that requires making sacrifices one way or the other, and I've never met anyone who has been able to have it all or do it all on their own. Don't be afraid to ask for help OP even if it's just to reach out to your family, your neighbours or your friends. You'll probably be pleasantly surprised by how willing people are to want to help you out and you'll find ways you can help each other!!

lawred2

annettea wrote: »

Hi mums/dads
I work full time 41 hours and I am absolutely wrecked .. I have been kying down since 8 ,house is a mess, my 3 year old not played with. I feel so guilty.. I got up to put her to bed which she was great..
I work with children all day so im on my feet and my child is with someone else, and I feel I just cant do it anymore.
How do people balance?
I use to work 38 hours but the place I work with put up my hours , I said no because I knew I wouldn't be able but they were giving out saying its an extra 3 hours fair enough..but I can really feel it. How do other parents do it?
Thanks in advance for tips

I don't mean to be prissy.. but why specifically working mums? Is there something less challenging about being a working Dad?

eviltwin

We work part time. I'd love to say it's because of the kids but it's mostly for personal reasons. I worked full time for years and it was exhausting, I'd no time for anything and mentally I was in bad shape but being at home full time wouldn't be for me.. Part time is the best of both worlds.

mordeith

lawred2 wrote: »

I don't mean to be prissy.. but why specifically working mums? Is there something less challenging about being a working Dad?

I was going to bring this up but while the title of the thread is only mums, in fairness to the OP in the opening line it's mums/dads (speaking as a working Dad)

Penny Dreadful

lawred2 wrote: »

I don't mean to be prissy.. but why specifically working mums? Is there something less challenging about being a working Dad?

I think maybe the question comes from the fact that the mums get to spend quite a bit of time at home with the kids before maternity leave ends. Then they may try to continue to do what they did on maternity leave in addition to working outside the home. The dads on the other hand have to go back into the workplace much much sooner after the kids arrive.

I know I am lucky that I have a happy medium. I work 3 days per week and have 4 with my daughter, 2 of those are on a Monday and Friday so I have her to myself and its lovely. At the weekends we're both around and so I suppose my husband doesn't get to have as much quality time with her as I do. I know that bothers him so being a working dad isn't easy on him either in terms of feeling like he is missing out.

lollsangel

I went back to work full time when my 2 started school. I work 50km from where we live so on top of an 8.5 hour shift I have to factor in another 1.5 driving. I work mirnings one week,evenings the next. Partner works 12 hour shifts, so usually works 3 to 4 days a week. I get my quality time with the kids as does he. Whoever is home (or home first) makes Dinnet and preps the lunches for the next day. We keep on top of the housework by doing a bit each day. Much easier to do a loaf or 2 a day then playing catchup on the days off. The kids also have a certain amount of chores to do too. I actually find their extracurricular activities more tiring running them here and there. Suppose it's beet er for 2 6 year old to be our and about though.
I'm actually on 2 weeks holidays at the mo. I think I've given most of this week playing games on the floor, making jigsaws and watching movies. They help get the housework done so we can chill.

LegacyUser

lawred2 wrote: »

I don't mean to be prissy.. but why specifically working mums? Is there something less challenging about being a working Dad?

Not at all, but she's probably just asking from her point of view as a working woman (ie, her sex), that's all.
Plus this country doesn't give near enough recognition to working dads.Most companies wouldn't give any recognition or leeway to them at all.

seriouslysweet

Probably not helpful but my mother had a cleaner twice a week and we all did jobs on Saturday. Meant no housework during the week. Herself and my Dad worked 70 hour weeks so otherwise wouldn't have seen them. No berate yourself. We all turned out fine and responsible and half parented ourselves and each other.

popa smurf

swooshty wrote: »

Not at all, but she's probably just asking from her point of view as a working woman (ie, her sex), that's all.
Plus this country doesn't give near enough recognition to working dads.Most companies wouldn't give any recognition or leeway to them at all.

I was the breakfast roll man, now the stay at home dad and loving it.at the start I used to see the look of pity in peoples eyes when they ask me ARE YOU WORKING and I say no I am at home minding the kids. But now I just say I am working for myself its easier. Not afraid to admit OH can make twoice as much as I would be able to make and loves her job so its a win win for us.

Tasden

ash23 wrote: »

I was a single parent who worked full time until my child was twelve.
My way of managing was to take a job that was less well paid but was Mon to Fri 9 to 5 and have no commute.
My home, my daughter's school and my job were all within a couple of minutes drive.

When it got too much and I felt burned out I was lucky to have grandparents to call on who would take her for a few days so I could just rest and also spend a day batch cooking dinners etc.

I definitely found the most important yet difficult thing was asking for help. From family and friends. Occasionally I would need to text another parent and ask them to do the school run because I had a meeting. Or have my daughter for a few hours on a Saturday because I had to go into work. I would always return the favour. But it really helped knowing that I had a few people who would dig me out of a hole if I were stuck.

I work part time now and I'm probably less organised and less efficient at home than I was before

Currently in this situation now. Can't wait to be financially able to work part time. Hope you're getting some relaxation time in now!

lawred2

pwurple wrote: »

No. I had contacted both revenue and dept of foreign affairs before even talking to an au pair, and contacted them again since.

There's no change to status, no registration, no pps numbers to be issued, no prsi etc, despite the newspapers whittering on about it.

That judgement was about the host family treating the au pair like a slave with 60 hour weeks. Absolutely correct judgement, appaulling to hear that kind of thing. It should not affect any family who is not abusive.

There is no such definition of an au-pair in the Irish statute books.. As such there was indeed no change to 'status' as none exists.

They are your employee.

I'd be amazed if a government body said you could employ an unregistered and undocumented individual in your home... How would that that not be construed a permit for house slaves?

ectoraige

Two words: lower expectations.

The house doesn't have to be spotless. You might think that when you were growing up that yours was, but really you're probably remembering it when you were older, and actually had chores to help out. Small children create a trail of cleaning-up, accept that, and it makes things easier.

annettea

lawred2 wrote: »

I don't mean to be prissy.. but why specifically working mums? Is there something less challenging about being a working Dad?

You will see at the start of the post I said hi mums/DADS .

Moonbeam

This is a great discussion.
When I had my 1st I went back to work and used my holidays to work a 3 day week,when my days were used up I did not feel ready to work full time.
I asked work for a 3 day week and was really lucky to get it.I wanted to work but got upset leaving her too.
2 years later I had my 2nd and again went back to work but I found it hard and lasted about a year,I gave up and started childminding 1 child and despite being fully tax compliant etc I came out with more money then commuting and earning wages and paying creche for 2.
I have 4 now and I am at home full time,it was my 1st time since I was 12 that I had no job or income for more then a few months and it is hard from an identity and self worth point of view but I love being at home with them most of the time!
Once my baby starts school I will either go back to work or college,for now it is voluntary work and kids.

Theboinkmaster

Moonbeam wrote: »

Once my baby starts school I will either go back to work or college,for now it is voluntary work and kids.

I've seen a lot of women get caught out unfortunately whereby they take a 5-10 year career break to look after the kids and then it's really difficult to get back into the workforce.

I think that's why a lot of men and women continue working and pay crèche fees as they know even though the fees could wipe out some of their income and not make it financially worth it, it's better strategically to keep working for long-term gain.

Moonbeam

I might never go back in to the industry that left and I would not expect to go back and on to the same salary immediately.
It depends on how you look at long term gain,I will work for the rest of my life but my kids will only be small for a few years
Creche fees/Nanny for 4 plus commute would be > then salary after wages,and 4 maternity leaves would not have helped me keep up to date either.
A nanny would be about 660pw (8-7) or a creche would be near enough the same.
My kids are very close in age(4 in 5 years and 3 months) and this was our decision so that I would not spend the next 15 years with babies and juggling school,work and creche.

LegacyUser

I admire posters such as yourself Moonbeam in a way.I have two now (since last week) and I think we are borderline.I will probably continue work but I am worried about me, in the sense that I feel that in a way, I will suffer the most, trying to keep all the balls in the air. I'm worried that I just won't be there enough for my kids over time, and the guilt will just get worse and worse.
But I really don't know if I'm brave enough to take the decision of stopping work completely, both for reduced financial reasons and for the long-term impact on my working life...which at the same time, took a nosedive due to the recession, has never really recovered and now, I don't care that much about it anyway.

It's very tough.I think this "having it all' concept is actually wrong.It's not having it all, it's just compromising.You work, and you miss out on family life and end up paying out for minders (and possibly cleaners etc!!!),effectively outsourcing some of your job as a mother for a career/job.You don't work and you (may) have less money, reduce long term career prospects for yourself.Neither is 'having it all' at all, both are just a series of compromises you make in your life.It's figuring out which ones you are comfortable with is the big challenge.

I'm not good at figuring them out, if I'm honest.

Daffodil.d

This is an age old discussion that will always bring debate. There's guilt whether you're a sahP or a working parent.I've done it the 3 ways, sahm,full time worker and part time. A year ago I left a full time job to work part time. This in my opinion is the best balance.I'm contributing to the house hold income,and I am spending quality time with my two kids. As regards to household chores, I send my ironing out to be done and do the rest myself.I also get the kids to help. Everyday that I'm off I bring the kids out somewhere unless it's heavy rain. They don't ever get bored as a previous poster said because I keep them occupied. it's not an effort I'm their mother. Everyone has their own needs. Your own balance is personal to you and your family because every family dynamic is unique. There's sacrifices to be made but also rewards to be received.

Boo27

Hi guys , I hear your pain .. I'm a single mum , work 9 to 5 , 5 days a week , well really it's 6 am to 8pm . That's when I finally get to sit down and fall asleep on the couch after my little guy is in bed .. He is in childcare 5 days a week at the mo , costs me 650 a month , have a mortgage to pay on my own , Bills etc .. Saturday's are taken up with gaa training or something else with him .. He sees his father on a Saturday from 3 till Sunday evening .. Which is great as I have some time to myself and my partner ..but sometimes I just sleep during the day on sat and sun as I'm so exhausted ... It's tough I'm not going to lie , but you have to just get on with it .. I'm lucky I have an amazing partner who is more like a father than his own is to him .. They get on so well and my little guy is happy , sometimes I'm not to be honest but that's when I think that this is not the situation or life that I wanted for us .. But look to see him smiling and happy .. That's all I need to think yes , I've done the right thing .
I would love to be able to work part time and take him outta childcare for at least 2 days a week and I have looked into it but unfortunately financially it's just not possible .. End of the day food needs to be put on the table and clothes on backs and also to be able to bring him for those little treats at the weekend too .. Working part time just would not allow that so fingers crossed for Euro millions !!!

Alf Veedersane

We were lucky enough to be in a position to get a cleaner to come once a week for 2 hours and clean the house. It's €25 that galled me to part with initially - it's just cleaning after all. But to get it done usually meant my wife talking Littl'un out for a walk for an hour or so to let me get the bigger jobs done and then I'd look for poickets of time to do the rest. Now that time I used spend cleaning is spent with my wife and daughter.

Longer term plan is for my wife to go to a 4-day week with two half days to collect our daughter. I go to work early so I can get home early and I'm lucky to be afforded that flexibility so I get more time in the evening.

I cook the dinners at the weekend so they're just a case of heating up when we get in.

They're just little things but they add up to more family time.

Queenalocin

We got a second slow cooker in Aldi, so I used them on Sat and Sun to batch cook dinners for freezer - there were weeks when we had chilli 3 days in a row but so what? Let the guilt go, lower your standards and enjoy your kids. Mine are at leaving cert and college age now, so life is easier. We made sure that our free time was spent doing stuff with kids, our social life and trips away were either scout or guide trips, or underage matches. We didn't do much socialising apart from that, and the only time the house was lovely was when my mother was calling up. It was worth it though because the kids were happy, the house was paid for and we had enough money to send them to college.
It is easy to forget that you need to build up €12-14k per year for college when you are in the middle of toddler meltdowns and senior infant homework.

Stealthfins

I think modern day society has the whole family unit really messed up.
Kids need a parent to be around a lot until they're around 12 to help them develop with their personal skills and have someone they trust really close.

I've heard horror stories about child minder facilities,and kids being neglected and not getting enough emotional and mental stimulation.

I was lucky with my child minder,she was looking after 3 kids all around the same age,and her set up was very organic rather than clinical.
Beautiful herb garden and wooden playground,she used to grow plant's like sunflowers and some vegetables with them.
She always bought them a Christmas present every Christmas,she'd take a fiver out of the weekly pay a few months before Christmas then put it away for each of the kids,she was a real mother hen.



Let them watch DVD's together and it was a homely environment.
A good old fashioned country home rather than a clinical set up where the kids are controlled so much they feel like they're going into a ****ty job every morning.

It's tough being a parent these day's.

I think it should be fair to let mothers work less hours and give them full pay for it,say 28 hours a week is enough.

12 extra hours then to wind down or spend time with kid's...

Modern society I think is the fault of many relationship breakdown's.
How can people develop a relationship with all the pressures of careers,racing around,financial pressure.

That's not living,I'm in my 40's now and remember how happy and content the mums on our street were.
Regularly four mother's would be heading to the local park together having picnics,kids playing football or running through bushes.
Toddlers sitting with the mums while they chatted away.
The 80's and 70's were tough financially but parents got on with it.

I've a lot to be thankful for the way I was brought up and how lucky I was to have a great mother and father.
Dad worked long hours 12 hour shifts as a psychiatric nurse,but the wages were good.

I made a decision not to settle down and get married I couldn't afford it anyway.
I have a 15 year old lad who I see regularly and we have a close bond.

I think modern day parents are under a lot of pressure,just letting ye know it's society that has it this way,it wasn't always that hard.

eviltwin

Why should it fall to mothers? Maybe dads would like the opportunity to spend time with their kids

mordeith

Stealthfins wrote: »

I think modern day parents are under a lot of pressure,just letting ye know it's society that has it this way,it wasn't always that hard.

I think you've a bit of a rose-tinted view of things there. Parenting was always hard. If parents (and to be fair in the 80's predominantly mothers) had a better quality of life with their kids because they got to spend more time with them it was because they were expected to stay at home. A working mother was not seem as a good mother. Also they had the pressure of having no much money in a lot of cases.

mohawk

mordeith wrote: »

Also they had the pressure of having no much money in a lot of cases.

With price of housing and childcare. Lots of working parents still have very little money.