Ghosting

wurzlitzer

Lisacatlover wrote: »

So... you had been dating a guy for three months, seeing each other once a week? Then for a couple of weeks he's not in as frequent contact and isn't free and texts you saying hopefully another time? So your response is to send him a link to an online article about 'ghosting' and ask him if he has any balls? Then he says you two need to meet up 'to have a chat'.

Sure, one interpretation is he's this 'spineless' guy that 'ghosted' you.

But I get the feeling his thread would be something like -

"So I was dating this girl for a few weeks. She was a bit full on, but things were going OK. Then I'm a little bit busy and can't meet up a couple of times and I get this nuts passive aggressive text off her out of nowhere linking to some article on the psychology today website and her saying I have no balls. Yikes! So obviously I'm done with that, texted back fairly quick to tell her we needed to meet up for a chat, so I can dump her. If you don't hear back from me in two days send my bunny rabbit somewhere safe."

Yeah you could say that second interpretation could be accurate but you should swap the full on bit for him, texting before bed every night etc

Then he has a freak out about status of relationship wanting to name it , I don't validate and he starts to limit contact

It's meant to be fun

Busy again he's not a world leader ...it is called extremely lazy communication.

guess he found someone else to stroke his ego. I know I know making up stories in my head that's what you do when are being ghosted.

the so called passive aggressive txt was sent about ghosting was sent after he "sent a text about a friend visiting from out of town with no sorry we can not meet up"

Sure it was sent in a moment of anger to his lack of enthusiasm.

All I want him to say "jeez it was fun but.....:..let's call it a day" and I would agree coz there is no fun anymore.

Meeting up after two weeks of limited contact not sure how it going to pan out or if it will this could be another BS excuse that may never come to fruition

No bunnys will be boiled or harmed, it was hardly on the fatal attraction level of passion this is not the 1990s where all women are portrayed as crazy single white females being over demanding and controlling.

I now know and have sympathy for women who go slightly crazy maybe it was the men that do this lazy communication when things go off the boil.

We now live in a world where smartphones allow ghosters manipulate people for ego strokes

Maybe not to the extreme as Catfish which is a pile of cRap TV show

I was just ghosted and feeling rejected I guess and I need to move on my bad.

Anyway you are completely right I have turned into a fruit loop as a result wondering whether he's dead or alive

I never asked him to marry me, just lets hang out let's show each other some respect while doing it

It would have saved us both unnecessary Agro if he just ended it two weeks ago....

Calypso27

Ah it's just a sh1tty thing to do to someone. If you aren't interested then don't be a coward, just say it, or Christ I don't know, don't be an arsehole about it, ignoring them in the hopes that they will go away. Mind games really p1ss me off, I prefer to know where I stand with someone.

Ice Maiden

Lisacatlover wrote: »

So... you had been dating a guy for three months, seeing each other once a week? Then for a couple of weeks he's not in as frequent contact and isn't free and texts you saying hopefully another time?

Didnt the poster say he just suddenly cut all contact full stop as if it had never happened?
Big difference between that and "not being in as frequent contact".

wurzlitzer

Ice Maiden wrote: »

Didnt the poster say he just suddenly cut all contact full stop as if it had never happened?
Big difference between that and "not being in as frequent contact".

Yeah it went from four texts a day talking about random crack from David Bowie dying, making of a murderer , links to music films sending photos normal stuff but engaging the list goes on.

Now to 2 weak responses a week with lame excuses about being busy & plans and hopefully next weekend. Two weekends in a row. The busy Avalanche hit big time, this person is a phone addict and FB addict too, bottom line he checked out with me meanwhile he is checking in with someone else but failed to mention it to me.

Weird world we live in were people have relationships with their phones & FB is some kinda of reality and a breeding ground for narcissism

Privatisation of the public space is what I think now when I see people in their phones on buses no one communicates the old fashioned way face to face.

Hide behind a screen it's a bit off topic

But are we all becoming lazy communicators?

frozenfrozen

jesus lads I must be a serial ghoster, I have done that several times going from texting every day and meeting up regularly to just not contacting them anymore. I don't see an issue with it at all. I'd only break up with someone if I was in a long term relationship. Same goes for friendship, do people really break up with friends rather than slowly fading out of contact?

Same thing as people who you meet for 10 minutes wanting to add you on facebook. Eg. a few people I was camping near at electric picnic last year, looking to add me on facebook while we were still there. Just enjoy eachothers company in the real world and then part ways, if our paths cross again that's great but you can't keep in contact with everyone you've ever met for the rest of your life.

CaraMay

frozenfrozen wrote: »

jesus lads I must be a serial ghoster, I have done that several times going from texting every day and meeting up regularly to just not contacting them anymore.

But had you met then or given any explanation for stopping?

frozenfrozen

frozenfrozen wrote: »

jesus lads I must be a serial ghoster, I have done that several times going from texting every day and meeting up regularly to just not contacting them anymore. I don't see an issue with it at all. I'd only break up with someone if I was in a long term relationship. Same goes for friendship, do people really break up with friends rather than slowly fading out of contact?

I think what the OP is talking about is when two people are dating and are both in to each other. Rather than say "this isn't working for me anymore" one person reduces contact to the minimum or ceases completely.
Then what happens is the ghostee (I can't believe I just typed that :pac: ) is left wondering wtf?! Did I do something wrong? Did he meet someone else? We were getting on so well. I'm hurt now.

Sh1tbag OToole

Sh1tbag OToole wrote: »

The girlies who did this to me were usually recluses and were rarely seen out, they prefered to spend the evening sitting on their bed reading a book or with netfix on and eating from a jar of nutella or a bowl of nuts.

That's what I did last night but it wasn't nuts or nutella it was chips. Tonight I'm going to do the exact same thing. It's great

frozenfrozen

CaraMay wrote: »

But had you met then or given any explanation for stopping?

I'd have met most of them since stopping and there's no animosity, a lot of the time there will still be the same feelings as there were at the start but it just wasn't enough to carry full-on relationship. 'breaking up' would definitely make it awkward. There was one girl who weeks after my 'ghosting' (just not initiating conversations anymore and hadn't seen her in person since) started retweeting loads of cringy things on twitter like 'u should go out with me because i am so le random nobody will want 2 take me from u!!' -- she probably needed to be told that it was over, but in fairness with that kind of mad carry-on can you blame me.

Deleted User wrote: »

I think what the OP is talking about is when two people are dating and are both in to each other. Rather than say "this isn't working for me anymore" one person reduces contact to the minimum or ceases completely.
Then what happens is the ghostee (I can't believe I just typed that :pac: ) is left wondering wtf?! Did I do something wrong? Did he meet someone else? We were getting on so well. I'm hurt now.

I suppose that would make sense and fall into what I'd call a long term relationship, or really anything kind of serious. But I definitely wouldn't say you'd need to break up when you're sort of courting someone and you just don't fully click or hit it off. I'm not sure what I've done is real ghosting.. but who knows

wurzlitzer

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I think what the OP is talking about is when two people are dating and are both in to each other. Rather than say "this isn't working for me anymore" one person reduces contact to the minimum or ceases completely.
Then what happens is the ghostee (I can't believe I just typed that :pac: ) is left wondering wtf?! Did I do something wrong? Did he meet someone else? We were getting on so well. I'm hurt now.

Yeah all of the above but I am actually laughing at how ridiculous the whole thing seems to be....

In two minds whether to meet for long over due chat, to see what he has to say for himself


Listening to sound cloud this track reminded me I felt about it yesterday

Except you could substitute her for him

Brilliant lyrics! Bunny boiler humour

https://soundcloud.com/nicolas-loizides/ill-kill-her-soko-lost-frequencies-remix

frozenfrozen

frozenfrozen wrote: »

I suppose that would make sense and fall into what I'd call a long term relationship, or really anything kind of serious. But I definitely wouldn't say you'd need to break up when you're sort of courting someone and you just don't fully click or hit it off. I'm not sure what I've done is real ghosting.. but who knows

I disagree. Dating someone, for however brief a time, if you don't click the right thing to do is say so.

I've had numerous first dates where I haven't felt any kind of a connection. Do you know what I do? I tell that person.

wurzlitzer

frozenfrozen wrote: »

I'd have met most of them since stopping and there's no animosity, a lot of the time there will still be the same feelings as there were at the start but it just wasn't enough to carry full-on relationship. 'breaking up' would definitely make it awkward. There was one girl who weeks after my 'ghosting' (just not initiating conversations anymore and hadn't seen her in person since) started retweeting loads of cringy things on twitter like 'u should go out with me because i am so le random nobody will want 2 take me from u!!' -- she probably needed to be told that it was over, but in fairness with that kind of mad carry-on can you blame me.


I suppose that would make sense and fall into what I'd call a long term relationship, or really anything kind of serious. But I definitely wouldn't say you'd need to break up when you're sort of courting someone and you just don't fully click or hit it off. I'm not sure what I've done is real ghosting.. but who knows

You sound like a chancer but a loveable one....there is probably no animosity after you stopped seeing them coz you were haphazard or half hearted to begin with.,..you are the guy in school that dated everyone but when it ended the girl the way you did it was expected coz you never seemed bothered

I have a guy friend who dates everyone he gets on with but it always ends in a shambles coz he is awful at being a boyfriend cancels plans makes crap excuses but he's a nice guy can't finish things coz he's afraid of looking bad when in fact it looks a lot worse

But even when you courting you should have the conversation

I courted a guy for six months in the end on a date night I pulled the plug by nicely saying this is not going anywhere let's call it a day finished our drink and parted ways

Simples if you exchange bodily fluids, went to cinema, had each other round to each others gaffs for dinner and even went to a few gigs together, surely you can exchange a few words to end it too.

Am I deluded?

sassyj

wurzlitzer wrote: »

Yeah all of the above but I am actually laughing at how ridiculous the whole thing seems to be....

In two minds whether to meet for long over due chat, to see what he has to say for himself


Listening to sound cloud this track reminded me I felt about it yesterday

Except you could substitute her for him

Brilliant lyrics! Bunny boiler humour

https://soundcloud.com/nicolas-loizides/ill-kill-her-soko-lost-frequencies-remix

Why would you meet him, he wasn't interested and couldn't be bothered to tell you. You admit yourself you'd nothing in common, I don't understand the giving a f**k about an idiot. Sending him the link about ghosting only makes you look silly, and that he'd bothered you. Leave it and move on.

wurzlitzer

sassyj wrote: »

Why would you meet him, he wasn't interested and couldn't be bothered to tell you. You admit yourself you'd nothing in common, I don't understand the giving a f**k about an idiot. Sending him the link about ghosting only makes you look silly, and that he'd bothered you. Leave it and move on.

I completely agree with all of the above...but glad I have vented so I can move on.

Hugo Stiglitz

wurzlitzer wrote: »

I completely agree with all of the above...but glad I have vented so I can move on.

Venting is very important!

bnt

mud wrote: »

Yeah I get that but from his POV everything was going well, he didn't know what a creep he was.

So, the logical next question is: if the guy doesn't know he's being perceived as a creep, what the hell is he supposed to do about it? Is he doomed to repeat the same pattern over and over, multiple relationships failing without knowing what he's doing "wrong"? Well, I guess he's a SEP* now.

* Somebody Else's Problem

Shannon757

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I think what the OP is talking about is when two people are dating and are both in to each other. Rather than say "this isn't working for me anymore" one person reduces contact to the minimum or ceases completely.
Then what happens is the ghostee (I can't believe I just typed that :pac: ) is left wondering wtf?! Did I do something wrong? Did he meet someone else? We were getting on so well. I'm hurt now.

Wouldn't It be the ghosted?

Hugo Stiglitz

Being ghosted by a friend can be so much worse.

B.A._Baracus

Had to Google it myself.
So it's something that's happened since the dawn of time lol. Just that a phrase has been coined for it for it now.

Personally I prefer the old saying of 'getting blanked'

wurzlitzer

Shannon757 wrote: »

Wouldn't It be the ghosted?

It's ghostee

Urban dictionary 2013

Shannon757

Shannon757 wrote: »

Wouldn't I be the ghosted?

I think you are the ghostee because you are on the receiving end. So in the same way as a payee is the one receiving the money.

I think.

wurzlitzer

B.A._Baracus wrote: »

Had to Google it myself.
So it's something that's happened since the dawn of time lol. Just that a phrase has been coined for it for it now.

Personally I prefer the old saying of 'getting blanked'

It more of sudden slow fade then nada de nada

Full on, bit of an aul fade, amnesia

Shannon757

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I think you are the ghostee because you are on the receiving end. So in the same way as a payee is the one receiving the money.

I think.

And would the perpetrator be a ghoster?

Shannon757

Shannon757 wrote: »

And would the perpetrator be a ghoster?

They would.

Shannon757

[Deleted User] wrote: »

They would.

Interesting.

B.A._Baracus

wurzlitzer wrote: »

It more of sudden slow fade then nada de nada

Full on, bit of an aul fade, amnesia

So the slow blank? :pac:

B.A._Baracus

B.A._Baracus wrote: »

So the slow blank? :pac:

Ghosting is just another term for acting like a dickhead. They have existed since the dawn of time.

wurzlitzer

Shannon757 wrote: »

Interesting.

Lol

"Ghosting
The act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date. This is done in hopes that the ghostee will just "get the hint" and leave the subject alone, as opposed to the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested. Ghosting is not specific to a certain gender and is closely related to the subject's maturity and communication skills. Many attempt to justify ghosting as a way to cease dating the ghostee without hurting their feelings, but it in fact proves the subject is thinking more of themselves, as ghosting often creates more confusion for the ghostee than if the subject kindly stated how he/she feels."

frozenfrozen

Deleted User wrote: »

I disagree. Dating someone, for however brief a time, if you don't click the right thing to do is say so.

I've had numerous first dates where I haven't felt any kind of a connection. Do you know what I do? I tell that person.

Yeah I see your point of view, I didn't really see it as being an issue as I'm not a formal person about dating I just go along with things without over thinking it.

wurzlitzer wrote: »

You sound like a chancer but a loveable one....there is probably no animosity after you stopped seeing them coz you were haphazard or half hearted to begin with.,..you are the guy in school that dated everyone but when it ended the girl the way you did it was expected coz you never seemed bothered

I have a guy friend who dates everyone he gets on with but it always ends in a shambles coz he is awful at being a boyfriend cancels plans makes crap excuses but he's a nice guy can't finish things coz he's afraid of looking bad when in fact it looks a lot worse

But even when you courting you should have the conversation

I courted a guy for six months in the end on a date night I pulled the plug by nicely saying this is not going anywhere let's call it a day finished our drink and parted ways

Simples if you exchange bodily fluids, went to cinema, had each other round to each others gaffs for dinner and even went to a few gigs together, surely you can exchange a few words to end it too.

Am I deluded?

I hope I'm not as awful as you make me out to be. Valid points though I'll have to pay a bit more attention to labelling relationships/keeping everyone on the same page

wurzlitzer

B.A._Baracus wrote: »

So the slow blank? :pac:

Lol

it's like
they become shadows of themselves

Holograms

They have no depth nothing more to give so they fade out haunting the ghostee until they realise what it was, the genuine person was only a ghost a figment of the imagination, needed to grow a pair in order to be real.

Slow blank, love it

mud

bnt wrote: »

So, the logical next question is: if the guy doesn't know he's being perceived as a creep, what the hell is he supposed to do about it? Is he doomed to repeat the same pattern over and over, multiple relationships failing without knowing what he's doing "wrong"? Well, I guess he's a SEP* now.

* Somebody Else's Problem

Hopefully someone more mature than I was 17 years ago pulled him up on his ways. He is still the one person I wouldn't be surprised to hear had gone on a rampage at some point in his life.

frozenfrozen

frozenfrozen wrote: »

Yeah I see your point of view, I didn't really see it as being an issue as I'm not a formal person about dating I just go along with things without over thinking it.

There is nothing formal or overthinking about being upfront with someone. Not working out? No big deal. Just say so and move on.

Eugene Norman

wurzlitzer wrote: »

Yeah it went from four texts a day talking about random crack from David Bowie dying, making of a murderer , links to music films sending photos normal stuff but engaging the list goes on.

Now to 2 weak responses a week with lame excuses about being busy & plans and hopefully next weekend. Two weekends in a row. The busy Avalanche hit big time, this person is a phone addict and FB addict too, bottom line he checked out with me meanwhile he is checking in with someone else but failed to mention it to me.

Weird world we live in were people have relationships with their phones & FB is some kinda of reality and a breeding ground for narcissism

Privatisation of the public space is what I think now when I see people in their phones on buses no one communicates the old fashioned way face to face.

Hide behind a screen it's a bit off topic

But are we all becoming lazy communicators?

Did you even meet this guy?

wurzlitzer

Eugene Norman wrote: »

Did you even meet this guy?

I was seeng him for three months then nada de nada the last two weeks

He wants to meet me now coz I did a passive aggressive thing of texting him an article on ghosting and I told him to have some balls

So I should have moved on but vented instead

How mature am I



So

KERSPLAT!

I wonder if the lad was genuinely busy or something and now you've blown it...

As for 'ghosting', it's a ****ty thing to do. If you've no interest then best tell the other person, it's not nice to mess around with people like that

wurzlitzer

KERSPLAT! wrote: »

I wonder if the lad was genuinely busy or something and now you've blown it...

As for 'ghosting', it's a ****ty thing to do. If you've no interest then best tell the other person, it's not nice to mess around with people like that

You could be right!
But sometimes relationships get sabotaged

But you is the saboteur we will never know

arayess

I've been ghosted a few times - well they just don't don't answer back.
I just assumed it was the cost of doing business in the dating game.
never bothered me too much to be fair.

whatI find it slightly annoying that rags like the huffington post have a need to label every behaviour and analyse it to the degree of creating something of out nothing and now it has a name and it'll be the social media cause of the next 5 years.

darkpagandeath

Wow, The internet thinks this was invented recently ? Ah that's right selfies are an invention from the internet as well.. Odd we have had self portraits for time an memorial. :pac::pac:

I bet lacey green came up with this...

wurzlitzer

darkpagandeath wrote: »

Wow, The internet thinks this was invented recently ? Ah that's right selfies are an invention from the internet as well.. Odd we have had self portraits for time an memorial. :pac::pac:

I bet lacey green came up with this...

Huffing ton post is trash but the phenomenon exists and it's on the increase due to online culture, dating sites etc

Don't think it was invented recently it's just more prevalent

It's prevalence is more evident due to a more cyber culture and people hiding away in their caves married to the internet

I am doer so this kinda of thing is not my bag

If people spent more time connecting with people and less time on the Internet hiding behind profiles and FB pages.

Make time for what's important

It's about having the maturity to end something that's not working instead of fading into the background creeping around on other people's lives

super_furry

With online dating, you're not a real person, you're just a distraction that lives in someone's phone.

darkpagandeath

super_furry wrote: »

With online dating, you're not a real person, you're just a distraction that lives in someone's phone.

Just like those on Tinder only wanting to be told they are beautiful.

KomradeBishop

You can definitely tell that this bleeds off into peoples life in general as well:
People pick up a whole mindset of treating others as 'disposable', simply through actually using dating sites - have seen it indirectly (and directly...) with a few people I know and used to know.

I can kind of see how it develops, due to how dating sites inherently are like that (encouraging people to treat others as disposable - especially if there's a high volume of, often repetitive, messages), but it carrying through to a persons attitude to life and people in general, is shítty.

I wonder how much of this is just an unconscious thing, brought about through people using sites like that - and how much of it is just people being dícks in the first place. I think the nature of dating sites probably make those who do this, feel it's more justifiable.

It's one thing, that makes me suspect dating sites might just be plain unhealthy - even for otherwise 'normal'/decent people, who may unconsciously become affected by this.

wurzlitzer

KomradeBishop wrote: »

You can definitely tell that this bleeds off into peoples life in general as well:
People pick up a whole mindset of treating others as 'disposable', simply through actually using dating sites - have seen it indirectly (and directly...) with a few people I know and used to know.

I can kind of see how it develops, due to how dating sites inherently are like that (encouraging people to treat others as disposable - especially if there's a high volume of, often repetitive, messages), but it carrying through to a persons attitude to life and people in general, is shítty.

I wonder how much of this is just an unconscious thing, brought about through people using sites like that - and how much of it is just people being dícks in the first place. I think the nature of dating sites probably make those who do this, feel it's more justifiable.

It's one thing, that makes me suspect dating sites might just be plain unhealthy - even for otherwise 'normal'/decent people, who may unconsciously become affected by this.

Well I since creating the thread & venting going through a roller coaster of emotions, felt a little bunny boilerish which was quite disconcerting.....I am ready now to let go or to exorcise the ghost
found some really good advice in two blogs on one particular website for one blog was about ghosting for people in a relationship the other was for people who were just dating,

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/whats-the-craic-with-ghosting-and-no-its-not-the-same-as-no-contact/

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/ghosting-in-the-early-stages-of-dating/

Much deeper than the huffing ton post or daily mail

Really learnt a lot in the last twenty four hours

Thanks guys

Letting go......

Robsweezie

I suppose if any positive can be taken from ''ghosting'' its that it may end relatively peacefully with no massive row at the end where hurtful things are said on both sides. that's if they get the message its over, without actually getting any message.

still don't encourage it though. its emotionally abusive in that the person gets no sense of closure at what happened, what went wrong.

pragmatic1

I've done it in every relationship I've been in that I haven't been dumped first.

Sh1tbag OToole

pragmatic1 wrote: »

I've done it in every relationship I've been in that I haven't been dumped first.

Ohh you rebel

lawlolawl

I prefer ghostriding the whip tbh

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

I ghosted this thread
I'm sorry babe, works busy and I've a lot goin on.
Still into you though, thread. We good?

kunst nugget

LexieOnRale wrote: »

I ghosted this thread
I'm sorry babe, works busy and I've a lot goin on.
Still into you though, thread. We good?

Isn't ghosting not completely blanking a person and not engaging with them anymore. What you've done is give the thread hope. It'll be hanging around your workplace all week looking forlornly hopeful and waving at you through the window. Christ, threads like this are sooooo needy.

kunst nugget

kunst nugget wrote: »

Isn't ghosting not completely blanking a person and not engaging with them anymore. What you've done is give the thread hope. It'll be hanging around your workplace all week looking forlornly hopeful and waving at you through the window. Christ, threads like this are sooooo needy.

Oh! Hi!

I'm so glad you're back. You know for a while there I thought you were avoiding me. I should have guessed you were just busy. Yes of course we're good. Are you free for lunch tomorrow? I could drop by work with brownies I made. Remember the ones we had the first night we spent together? You do remember that night don't you. Not that it matters. Anyway see you tomorrow. Your favourite girl with your favourite lunch!