sudden loss of my mam

XplaygirlX

My mam passed away Oct 28 last year. Its not far away form 5 months. She was an amazing incredible woman who suffered severely with rheumatoid arthritis. But she could get through anything she was incredibly strong. Always had a beautiful smile on her face. She was my 4 year old sons world. She absolutely (and I don't say this lightly) adored the ground he walked on. As she did me and my dad.

Her passing was so incredibly sudden and completely unexpected. I was at home watching Leah's episode of 16 & Pregnant. Then, at 00:44 I got the most traumatizing devastating call that roped my entire world apart. I will never ever get over it. 2 days later I saw my mam in the funeral home. She was so amazingly beautiful. No pain in her face. She looked just like she was sleeping. I couldn't bring myself to say goodbye to her - and still can't. I don't want to. I want t be with her more than anything. I have started smoking the night she died to ease the pain. It hasnt helped at all. But if I quit, I'll either turn to prescription drugs or alcohol. Which obviously I don't want to do. My son needs me, my dad needs me. But I need my mam. Each day its a complete struggle to even get out of bed. But I have to for my son. If he wasnt here, neither would I be. I have so many regrets. I should have been there. On the Saturday (3 days before she died) I was talking to her on the phone and she sounded perfect. God we must have spoken about 20 times that day. And we always ended every call with 'I love you' she was my entire universe. I just want to be with her, I can't live without her. I miss her so so much.

Doing things for my son is a daily struggle. My husband works extremely hard and I appreciate it (obviously) Bereavement counselling isn't helping. I just dont know what to do. I feel so alone and withdrawn. Nobody seems to understand the amount of pain I am in or either they are tired of hearing about it. I can't cry - sometimes I do. I'm afraid if I do I'll never stop.

I can't bring myself to cook dinner and I don't care. I cook for my son but that's it. I live on fast food and my husband works so he more than likely eats there, or will always ask if I want anything brought home. Family members and friends tell me to 'move on' or 'get over it' even my own dad said my aunty will have a hard time and my mam's death will affect her MORE than me!!! He has also done a few things that I won't mention on here but to me they are unforgivable. (This was after my mam's passing BTW) I'm just going in a downward spiral.... <SNIP> People say children get you through grief. To me, that is complete b*llsh!t! I have one child and I can't cope. Mam, I need you Xxx I love you forever xxxx

Totes

Hi

I'm very sorry for your loss. I was in a similar situation 15 yrs ago, my Dad died suddenly - I found counselling helped me & because I had a young child like u I was 'forced' to participate in life which I resented fiercely at the time but down the road for me this really helped in that I couldn't escape the reality of my grief. I don't have a lot of advice on this as grief,I find, is a unique experience to everyone, I wish u well & hope things improve in the coming weeks & months.

strangel00p

I went through the same three years ago when my mam died. Nothing anyone could say or do would change things - my best friend was gone. I started drinking a lot on my own to numb the pain, which obviously didn't help. For me turning to God/religion was my way of easing the pain. Give it time, things will improve.

nkav86

Haven't experienced it myself, thankfully, but it's my biggest fear. I can't imagine what you are going through but my thoughts are with you and I really hope you find peace, best of luck

XplaygirlX

Thanks so so much for all your kind words. I usually stay up late most nights and watch tv cause there's no point going to bed and trying to sleep when I know ill get nowhere.. Goodnight to you all on here, pleasant dreams x

Merkin

I'm sorry for your loss OP. I'm also sorry that I now have to close this thread. If you are harbouring suicidal thoughts then we are not able to help you. Please phone the Samaritans as soon as possible and perhaps look at some bereavement counselling. I really hope you feel better soon and that your pain eases with time. Take care.

http://www.samaritans.org/your-community/samaritans-ireland-scotland-and-wales/samaritans-ireland