Online dating

armaghlad

armaghlad wrote: »

What is the furthest people are willing to travel? I got chatting to a girl at the weekend and she's looking to meet up. We haven't even spoken that much but she's already acting passive aggressive.

First it was like
"do you want to meet then?"
And I'm like "em bit early, no?"
"We should just leave it then"
Me: "no we can meet, I still want to"
Her: "when?"
Me: "I'm not sure when I am free again"
Her: "We should just leave it"
Me: tongue in cheek "tomorrow?"
Her: "I'm free from 6, we can do something here*"
*her home village. 70+ miles away
Me: "I've never been there before, it's a good bit away"
Her: "Is x any closer to you?" (No it isn't) We can go to x, it's 10 mins away, cos my town is small and people know me and there's nothing to do anyway"
Me: "no its even further"
Her: "We should just leave it then"
Me: "we could meet in y, is it far from you?" *According to Google maps it's as close to halfway as we can get
Her: "I've never been there, is there some where we can go for coffee?"
Me: "I'm sure there's a Starbucks or something"
Her: "maybe we should just leave it"

Wtf

Edit: how could I forget the constant "you're the bloke, you decide" when I asked what we should/could do. Not satisfied with me traipsing half the length of the country, I also have to come up with the itinerary in a town/village I've never been in! Ugh

Hmm.

Why did you respond with "it's a bit early"?

wakka12

Deleted User wrote: »

Hmm.

Why did you respond with "it's a bit early"?

Yeh I think that was a bad move, if I was her it would have put me off you straight away after you said that to me. Made me feel like I was so over zealous and stupid for even thinking we should meet up yet

Tell me how

armaghlad wrote:

First it was like "do you want to meet then?" And I'm like "em bit early, no?" "We should just leave it then" Me: "no we can meet, I still want to" Her: "when?" Me: "I'm not sure when I am free again" Her: "We should just leave it" Me: tongue in cheek "tomorrow?" Her: "I'm free from 6, we can do something here*" *her home village. 70+ miles away Me: "I've never been there before, it's a good bit away" Her: "Is x any closer to you?" (No it isn't) We can go to x, it's 10 mins away, cos my town is small and people know me and there's nothing to do anyway" Me: "no its even further" Her: "We should just leave it then" Me: "we could meet in y, is it far from you?" *According to Google maps it's as close to halfway as we can get Her: "I've never been there, is there some where we can go for coffee?" Me: "I'm sure there's a Starbucks or something" Her: "maybe we should just leave it"

armaghlad wrote:

First it was like "do you want to meet then?" And I'm like "em bit early, no?" "We should just leave it then" Me: "no we can meet, I still want to" Her: "when?" Me: "I'm not sure when I am free again" Her: "We should just leave it" Me: tongue in cheek "tomorrow?" Her: "I'm free from 6, we can do something here*" *her home village. 70+ miles away Me: "I've never been there before, it's a good bit away" Her: "Is x any closer to you?" (No it isn't) We can go to x, it's 10 mins away, cos my town is small and people know me and there's nothing to do anyway" Me: "no its even further" Her: "We should just leave it then" Me: "we could meet in y, is it far from you?" *According to Google maps it's as close to halfway as we can get Her: "I've never been there, is there some where we can go for coffee?" Me: "I'm sure there's a Starbucks or something" Her: "maybe we should just leave it"

Is it just me or does anyone else feel she didn't really do anything wrong?

I don't see any passive-aggression there or am I missing it?

wakka12

You could have gone about it better and said something like lets chat a bit more so we have lots to talk about when we meet ! just so much more positive

wakka12

wakka12 wrote: »

You could have gone about it better and said something like lets chat a bit more so we have lots to talk about when we meet ! just so much more positive

Yeah it just seems from the off that armaghlad wasn't that interested. This may have caused uncertainty for the girl, who in turn responded in the way she did. Of course that only served to cause uncertainty and discomfort for armaghlad.

A communication mismatch it seems.

sozbox

Deleted User wrote: »

Yeah it just seems from the off that armaghlad wasn't that interested. This may have caused uncertainty for the girl, who in turn responded in the way she did. Of course that only served to cause uncertainty and discomfort for armaghlad.

A communication mismatch it seems.

Possibly though I think we're missing some important context. If this was the first conversation on Day 1 then that and the 'You're the bloke, you decide' would put me right off.

However if we're talking about a few days in then I'd have a different opinion.

armaghlad

The above was paraphrasing.

Maybe it's just me but when someone suggests something, and I don't reply with an automatic "hell yes!" and then they turn round and say nah let's just leave it, there's no point, it's too much hassle too much driving etc...3 or 4 times.. That to me is a form of passive aggressive behaviour. It's pure stubborn. They're suggesting something and then when I try to hint that maybe for a first date, after 2 or 3 days texting they might wanna reign things in a little, give it a week, the mood changes and I feel as if shes looking an argument...


Abbie if you're reading, Dundalk isn't that far!

yourdeadwright

Today on my POF I changed my status from looking for something not serious to looking for a relationship and already got 3 mails in an hour ,
Does that make such a difference to the women out there,

Tigger99

I don't think it's passive aggressive at all. I would certainly have taken from that exchange that you weren't that interested and she doesn't want to loose face so is back tracking.

KikiDee

yourdeadwright wrote: »

Today on my POF I changed my status from looking for something not serious to looking for a relationship and already got 3 mails in an hour ,
Does that make such a difference to the women out there,

Makes a difference to the ones looking for a relationship yes

Trebor176

If I think distance is a bit lengthy, I'll tend to leave it. I know from arranging things before with someone, distance was an issue for her. Then again, it might have just been an excuse for not wanting to meet. Fair enough! But, if she had agreed to meet, maybe we could have met half way. Still, I don't want to be wasting my time on someone not willing to make the effort to travel, and I'm sure it's visa versa. Maybe in time, I'll forget the distance thing, if it's driveable. And, with motorways and all that, journey times have been reduced somewhat. Dublin to Belfast doesn't take that long, for example.

I wouldn't engage in lengthy conversation with someone and agree to meet only to turn around and say it's too far or you're just not up for it anymore. Believe me, it has happened to me a few times. She'd be up for meeting only for her to turn around and say she's uncomfortable meeting someone from the internet or something along those lines.

For Armaghlad, the girl was clearly interested, but perhaps she was given false hope? I don't know. I don't think she was in the wrong by her reaction. She probably felt she was being messed around a little.

armaghlad

Trebor176 wrote: »

For Armaghlad, the girl was clearly interested, but perhaps she was given false hope? I don't know. I don't think she was in the wrong by her reaction. She probably felt she was being messed around a little.

No false hope. She's just turned round and said she realises the distance is a bit much!

Why she a) asked to meet so soon having only just started chatting and b) insisted on meeting asap prob didn't help. If I asked a girl to meet under such circumstances and she said no, i could hardly claim that im being messed around. I still want to meet the girl like so I'm hardly leading her up the garden path

armaghlad

armaghlad wrote: »

No false hope. She's just turned round and said she realises the distance is a bit much!

Why she a) asked to meet so soon having only just started chatting and b) insisted on meeting asap prob didn't help. If I asked a girl to meet under such circumstances and she said no, i could hardly claim that im being messed around. I still want to meet the girl like so I'm hardly leading her up the garden path

Ah. I thought you had been chatting since the weekend. So much gets lost through the medium of words on a screen.

Trebor176

armaghlad wrote: »

No false hope. She's just turned round and said she realises the distance is a bit much!

Why she a) asked to meet so soon having only just started chatting and b) insisted on meeting asap prob didn't help. If I asked a girl to meet under such circumstances and she said no, i could hardly claim that im being messed around. I still want to meet the girl like so I'm hardly leading her up the garden path

How long were you chatting again? I must have missed that. That's fair enough. I know I have always waited a few messages before asking to meet, but it doesn't always work. I wouldn't ask on the same day we started chatting or anything. I'd probably leave it a few days, rather than a couple.

armaghlad

We did match at the weekend. We haven't chatted much as I've worked every day since from Friday. I normally like to chat a for a week or so before meeting? I didn't realise meeting in person within a few days was so common.

La.de.da

I prefer a bit of chatting too and fro before any suggestions of a meet up.

To me it's the importance of feeling safe and after a bit of chat and banter, I'd trust my gut instinct as to meet or not.

maudgonner

I have to say, I'd be more in line with your way of thinking armaghlad.

I like to chat for a while before meeting someone. If a guy asked to meet me after only a day or two messaging then I'd find it a bit much.

Tigger99

I would have been the same as both you ladies but got sick if doing that then meeting up with the guy and having no spark so then I was happy to accept a date after a day or two max. The guy I'm seeing now asked me out 24 hours after we started chatting. Much prefer it that way.

Trebor176

armaghlad wrote: »

We did match at the weekend. We haven't chatted much as I've worked every day since from Friday. I normally like to chat a for a week or so before meeting? I didn't realise meeting in person within a few days was so common.

It's advisable to arrange meeting after even a couple of days of messaging, but I wouldn't be so sure, personally. I've learned from past mistakes not to move too quickly with things, so with the meeting thing, I know I have to hold off for the few days. Of course, meeting doesn't have to be done in a few days. A meeting can be arranged within a few days, but it could be another week or two before the meeting actually occurs. Some might just arrange it ASAP!

I guess the problem is that leaving things too long could result in there being less to talk about in person about one another. Those things might have already been covered. Still, you have to know at least some things about a person, but leave a lot more until meeting. I could be totally wrong, though. It's just my opinion!

armaghlad

Trebor176 wrote: »

It's advisable to arrange meeting after even a couple of days of messaging, but I wouldn't be so sure, personally. I've learned from past mistakes not to move too quickly with things, so with the meeting thing, I know I have to hold off for the few days. Of course, meeting doesn't have to be done in a few days. A meeting can be arranged within a few days, but it could be another week or two before the meeting actually occurs. Some might just arrange it ASAP!

I guess the problem is that leaving things too long could result in there being less to talk about in person about one another. Those things might have already been covered. Still, you have to know at least some things about a person, but leave a lot more until meeting. I could be totally wrong, though. It's just my opinion!

Well the way I have always gone about it is chat away, get to know each other, exchange fb, snapchat, whatsapp etc. Suss each other out, see if we are compatible. If we click then move towards suggesting a date. I don't see what the rush is with some people tbh. It can be quite off-putting when someone wants to meet right away. There's nothing worse than clingy and someone people might take suggestions to meet at an early stage as a sign of a clingy person

Trebor176

armaghlad wrote: »

Well the way I have always gone about it is chat away, get to know each other, exchange fb, snapchat, whatsapp etc. Suss each other out, see if we are compatible. If we click then move towards suggesting a date. I don't see what the rush is with some people tbh. It can be quite off-putting when someone wants to meet right away. There's nothing worse than clingy and someone people might take suggestions to meet at an early stage as a sign of a clingy person

I wouldn't do the whole FB thing before meeting, to be honest. I tried that before, and it didn't work. I have given my number, yes, but only to the last girl, as we had arranged to meet. We texted back and forth, but never actually spoke on the phone. Maybe some are different with these sort of things. If things progress after a couple of dates, and there's scope for further dating, then I will try the FB thing.

Mister Vain

Deleted User wrote: »

Sigh. There are so many wonderful things to talk about in this world.

Then talk about them. It shouldn't always be up to the guy to instigate these things.

Mister Vain

Mister Vain wrote: »

Then talk about them. It shouldn't always be up to the guy to instigate these things.

Yes. If you read back you'll see I am very much an instigator. Unfortunately there is only so much I can do with "yeah" or "I don't know" or "that's true".

Mister Vain

Deleted User wrote: »

Yes. If you read back you'll see I am very much an instigator. Unfortunately there is only so much I can do with "yeah" or "I don't know" or "that's true".

You need to be a motivator as well as an instigator, but never a procrastinator.

Mister Vain

Mister Vain wrote: »

You need to be a motivator as well as an instigator, but never a procrastinator.

Interactions are co-relational. Two people who are engaged in getting to know the other. If it's one person doing all the work or at least feeling like there is a mismatch well that gets tiring.

Sciprio

It's best in my opinion to meet up soon enough. Sometimes it can also help weed out the ones on there just for an ego boost. as they go into total silence. Sometimes the same can be said for no pictures.

I have pictures up and a long while back i was getting along great chatting to someone and when i finally ask to see their picture to see who i was talking too they stop. A lot of time wasters there also but there is a good few decent people out there waiting to be found.

Mister Vain

Deleted User wrote: »

Interactions are co-relational. Two people who are engaged in getting to know the other. If it's one person doing all the work or at least feeling like there is a mismatch well that gets tiring.

Pretty much all my interactions with online dating have felt like I was doing all the work tbh so I know how it feels.

wakka12

Sciprio wrote: »

It's best in my opinion to meet up soon enough. Sometimes it can also help weed out the ones on there just for an ego boost. as they go into total silence. Sometimes the same can be said for no pictures.

I have pictures up and a long while back i was getting along great chatting to someone and when i finally ask to see their picture to see who i was talking too they stop. A lot of time wasters there also but there is a good few decent people out there waiting to be found.

Oh why would you talk to somebody with no pictures up? Ive tried that and Ive never talked to an anonymous person as yet who actually went on to send me pictures in the end after we first spoke. So i just ignore anons now

I don't know what theyre playing at? Ive even had anons ask to meet before me seeing a picture of them? Like are you having a laugh

Littlefinger

Am I the only who who makes a point of not talking to people who refuse to put a picture up or send one in private? To me it feels like they are hiding something. Like i wouldn't be what you would call a beauty but I have pictures up.

wakka12

Littlefinger wrote: »

Am I the only who who makes a point of not talking to people who refuse to put a picture up or send one in private? To me it feels like they are hiding something. Like i wouldn't be what you would call a beauty but I have pictures up.

Id say its just indicative of severe insecurity not something to hide