Online dating

fin12

fin12 wrote: »

I know what both of aw Ye said makes complete sense but I was going to put up my profile pick and now I don't even feel comfortable putting it up cause it's like I don't want them to know I'm on the website even though they probably won't even give a sh1t, I know this probably doesn't even make sense basically I felt positive about joining it but now just feel really down about the whole thing.

I'm pretty certain right now that there is a conflict inside of you fin. You are stuck between knowing this is irrational on your part but yet you can't help how you feel.

Stop thinking and just act. Put your photo up. Then wait a bit and see how you feel.

fin12

Deleted User wrote: »

I'm pretty certain right now that there is a conflict inside of you fin. You are stuck between knowing this is irrational on your part but yet you can't help how you feel.

Stop thinking and just act. Put your photo up. Then wait a bit and see how you feel.

Thanks Persepoly you have said it where I couldn't put it into words, I suffer from anxiety anyway so it's a feeling I have on a regular accurance about many things.

fin12

fin12 wrote: »

Thanks Persepoly you have said it where I couldn't put it into words, I suffer from anxiety anyway so it's a feeling I have on a regular accurance about many things.

Ah I know that's a tough one to battle with fin. I'm a great believer in writing everything down. It can give you a bit of perspective and release. So you could write down how seeing this person on the site makes you feel and your feelings around putting up your photo.

Mister Vain

I met a really nice girl today in the photography group. We had a good laugh and exchanged numbers. We're meeting again next weekend, just the two of us. Someone mentioned earlier that dating is supposed to be fun. I think meeting someone through a common interest where there is no pressure or expectations is a lot more natural and enjoyable. I don't feel nervous at all about meeting this girl next week but I would be if I met her on a dating site. Meeting someone on a dating site kind of feels like a job interview which is maybe why its not as fun. That's how I feel about it anyway.

Mikkl

I feel the opposite. Meeting somebody from a dating site is like the zero-th date. The second date is the nerve-racking one. If you meet up with a man you know in rl, then you already know you like him (what you know of him) so that is much scarier than meeting another randomer from POF (sounding jaded there I know)

OhHiMark

manonboard wrote: »

Hi PandaX9,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. I found it interesting. I wanted to reply and ask you some questions to understand the why's of your thoughts if thats ok?
Why do you think it repulses you that he might think of you in a sexually attractive way?
You were in love and probably drooling over each other at some time like we all do , I'm not asking WHAT changed but whatever it was, why does it repulse you now?

I guess i'm coming from opposite places. I still have sexual thoughts about some of my exes from time to time. I discourage it a little for my own benefit, reigniting desire for people i don't want to be with would be self sabotaging and also ignoring all the wonderfully attractive and sexual people around me now. I certainly think some of my exes still think about me in that way. I know one specifically doesn't because they found it made them sad and didn't help...cross the line if you get me
I don't want to be with any of them, but I know they are sexual attractive people, and they feel the same about me so I'm just curious why you feel that way?

Does anybody else think it's a weird, and pretty creepy, thing to be calling people "sexual". Like, what does that mean? People who like sex? That's everybody isn't it? If I'm talking to somebody I don't think "this is a beautiful sexual woman".

Esel

****** Healing. Marvin Gay

****** Telepathy. Earl King (Blacktop)

Earl King. Happy Little Nobody's Waggy Tail Dog

Earl King. Come On. (Jimi recorded it).

Grayson

OhHiMark wrote: »

Does anybody else think it's a weird, and pretty creepy, thing to be calling people "sexual". Like, what does that mean? People who like sex? That's everybody isn't it? If I'm talking to somebody I don't think "this is a beautiful sexual woman".

Most people think of others sexually to some extent. I could be talking to an attractive woman and yes, I'll have some kind of desire. I think most people want to be thought of that way with two conditions

1) they don't only want to be thought of as sexual. Our sexuality is only part of us.
and
2) they don't necessarily want it at a particular time and place or from a particular person.

So if I'm flirting with someone and they're flirting back, then that's ok if I recognise them as a sexual being. If I'm flirting and they don't like me in that way, they probably don't want me thinking of them in anything except a platonic manner.
Likewise with time and place. Flirting in a pub might be ok, but doing it in a professional situation probably isn't.

Flirting or thinking of someone sexually is only ok if the other person is ok with it at the time.

Although it's not necessarily that easy. It's perfectly possible to see a coworker and think he/she would be a great potential lover. It's just normall not right to give any indication you think that.

armaghlad

How do people go about dealing with catfish? It seems to be more prevalent on pof. It's really annoying... you get a msg thinking you've matched a hottie until you open up and start to suspect it's a fake. I tend to ask for insta, sc and fb but conveniently they never have fb, usually never have insta and if they've sc they've a miniscule score which is usually a giveaway. Why do these people even bother!?

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

You're not entitled to that though. She has to provide private identifying information to you to prove to you she's not a fake? When I did online dating this used to make me so angry. You could be anyone. She doesn't owe you anything to prove she's real. If you have doubts like that, move on. Find someone else.
Just because someone doesn't want some stranger they've never met snooping through their Facebook doesn't mean they're hiding something

Andre 3000

armaghlad wrote: »

How do people go about dealing with catfish? It seems to be more prevalent on pof. It's really annoying... you get a msg thinking you've matched a hottie until you open up and start to suspect it's a fake. I tend to ask for insta, sc and fb but conveniently they never have fb, usually never have insta and if they've sc they've a miniscule score which is usually a giveaway. Why do these people even bother!?

Spoon pic. Ask her for a picture of "her" holding a spoon. Works every time.

armaghlad

LexieOnRale wrote: »

You're not entitled to that though. She has to provide private identifying information to you to prove to you she's not a fake? When I did online dating this used to make me so angry. You could be anyone. She doesn't owe you anything to prove she's real. If you have doubts like that, move on. Find someone else.
Just because someone doesn't want some stranger they've never met snooping through their Facebook doesn't mean they're hiding something

This is probably a phenomenon that females don't experience; and if they do it's on a far, far lesser scale than what men do. So maybe if you experienced as many fake profiles as I do on OD, particularly pof, you'd maybe share a similar outlook; cos you'd know what I am talking about.

First off, i dont express this sentiment with all women on OD. But the second a (catfishy) girl engages me in conversation I am entitled to ask what I want. If they don't like that they can push on. If you're going to have a profile that screams out catfish, then expect to have it scrutinised.

I just find it hard to believe that a young, attractive girl in her 20s doesn't have facebook, instagram, or snapchat; but is willing to give me "her" whatsapp...

I also don't get this uber-private approach on online dating, you have to be willing to compromise this to some extent if you have any notion of being successful

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Why does you snooping through her social media make her ready for online dating.

armaghlad

armaghlad wrote: »

This is probably a phenomenon that females don't experience; and if they do it's on a far, far lesser scale than what men do. So maybe if you experienced as many fake profiles as I do on OD, particularly pof, you'd maybe share a similar outlook; cos you'd know what I am talking about.

First off, i dont express this sentiment with all women on OD. But the second a (catfishy) girl engages me in conversation I am entitled to ask what I want. If they don't like that they can push on. If you're going to have a profile that screams out catfish, then expect to have it scrutinised.

I just find it hard to believe that a young, attractive girl in her 20s doesn't have facebook, instagram, or snapchat; but is willing to give me "her" whatsapp...

I also don't get this uber-private approach on online dating, you have to be willing to compromise this to some extent if you have any notion of being successful

I can see where you are coming from armaghlad. Catfish profiles are something I haven't come across, I don't think. It's not even on my radar when I'm chatting with guys.

I do agree that you need to compromise a little with regards giving a phone number or whatever but I also believe that nobody is under any obligation whatsoever to give me their phone number and vice versa.

As for being surprised a young woman isn't on social media, well I guess it depends on the woman really. What makes a profile look like a catfish to you?

Pac1Man

armaghlad wrote: »

I just find it hard to believe that a young, attractive girl in her 20s doesn't have facebook, instagram, or snapchat

Good God.

armaghlad

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I can see where you are coming from armaghlad. Catfish profiles are something I haven't come across, I don't think. It's not even on my radar when I'm chatting with guys.

It is incredibly irritating tbh. I only really experience on pof where it absolutely rife.

I do agree that you need to compromise a little with regards giving a phone number or whatever but I also believe that nobody is under any obligation whatsoever to give me their phone number and vice versa.

I get some people value privacy and that is to be respected. But when it comes to online dating, you kinda have to let loose a little. My own facebook profile is as private as it can be and my name in Irish so I'm incredibly difficult to find, but if a girl didn't believe I was who I said I was I wouldn't hesitate to give them a link to it in order to alleviate their reservations

As for being surprised a young woman isn't on social media, well I guess it depends on the woman really. What makes a profile look like a catfish to you?

I suppose. But we live in in age of smart phones selfies and social media. So it's always odd when someone says they don't have any social media profiles at all! But will happily give you their mobile number..

As for what to look out for with catfish profiles, some of the red flags:
- incomplete profiles
- blurry/poor quality photos
- only one or two photos
- "american-looking" photos - electrical sockets are always a giveaway
- catfish tend to be incredibly attractive, bikini-clad, slim females
- pictures tend to be selfies, or pictures of just the person they're pretending to be, rather than group photos which most irish girls like to include.

To summarise, it's always a bit fishy when a stunning looking female "favourites" you and talks to you straight away out of the blue.

armaghlad

Pac1Man wrote: »

Good God.

???

armaghlad

armaghlad wrote: »

It is incredibly irritating tbh. I only really experience on pof where it absolutely rife.


I get some people value privacy and that is to be respected. But when it comes to online dating, you kinda have to let loose a little. My own facebook profile is as private as it can be and my name in Irish so I'm incredibly difficult to find, but if a girl didn't believe I was who I said I was I wouldn't hesitate to give them a link to it in order to alleviate their reservations


I suppose. But we live in in age of smart phones selfies and social media. So it's always odd when someone says they don't have any social media profiles at all! But will happily give you their mobile number..

What if the woman wasn't comfortable letting you see her Facebook and knowing her surname, so she gives you her phone number instead? Surely that's not a problem. I don't have Facebook or instagram, rarely use Twitter, but then I'm not twenty something.

KikiDee

armaghlad wrote: »

I just find it hard to believe that a young, attractive girl in her 20s doesn't have facebook, instagram, or snapchat;

I'm young (ish), in my 20's and I don't do social media. I have Snapchat with about 8 people on it (2 are my nieces). i set up a private FB account for tindering purposes only. I just don't like social media. It's not a privacy thing, I just cba with it. I have found people on pof just stopped replying when I said I didn't have FB. You say you find it hard to believe people aren't social media types, I find it hard to understand why it can be seen as a problem and a potential 'red mark' against me because I choose not to participate.

Hombre Lobo

armaghlad wrote: »

I just find it hard to believe that a young, attractive girl in her 20s doesn't have facebook, instagram, or snapchat; but is willing to give me "her" whatsapp...

If it's too good to be true then it probably is.

But there are people out there without social media profiles. I don't have a FB, Instagram or Twitter account. I do have sc with 3 people on it and whatsapp for my friends which isn't going to tell you anything about me.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

To me that's signalling control/paranoia.
I personally would want someone to take me at my word.
How's he going to be a year into a relationship if before you even meet he's expecting to be able to wander around your social media to make sure you're telling him the truth?

When I want to go out with my friends on a night out, or go on a girls holiday, what sort of reassurance would he need then? A man with trust issues has no place in my life, personally. So if he was looking for my Facebook before we even met for coffee, I've nothing invested in that and would be unwilling to pander to insecure behaviour so I wouldn't bother with him. That's not because I'm using fake photos or hiding anything, it's just that I don't need to be distrusted until I give a reason.

armaghlad

I just find it odd that a person can be "bothered" with tinder, pof, etc - but doesn't bother with actual mainstream forms of social media. I have facebook but wouldn't be a big user of it, I find it handy for keeping in touch with family and keeping in the loop with friends but other than that I wouldn't be a big fan.

I suppose I'm being quite presumptuous in thinking people of a certain age should automatically have social media. It's just my experience of online dating sites that the ones who don't have these apps tend to be catfish.

armaghlad

armaghlad wrote: »

I just find it odd that a person can be "bothered" with tinder, pof, etc - but doesn't bother with actual mainstream forms of social media. I have facebook but wouldn't be a big user of it, I find it handy for keeping in touch with family and keeping in the loop with friends but other than that I wouldn't be a big fan.

I suppose I'm being quite presumptuous in thinking people of a certain age should automatically have social media. It's just my experience of online dating sites that the ones who don't have these apps tend to be catfish.

Well I guess it's maybe because dating sites are used with a specific purpose in mind. For me I don't like Facebook. I don't understand why you think it's odd if you have one and not the other.

KikiDee

armaghlad wrote: »

I just find it odd that a person can be "bothered" with tinder, pof, etc - but doesn't bother with actual mainstream forms of social media.

I bother with tinder and pof because I'm not quite confident enough to go up to guys in pubs etc and ask them out. With regards to keeping in touch with friends and family, I prefer phone calls, Skype, visits. This ensures that people who want to be active in my life are just that and that I'm not just a name on friend list. I've absolutely no issue with mainstream social media. It just isn't for me at this point in my life.

armaghlad

armaghlad wrote: »

I just find it odd that a person can be "bothered" with tinder, pof, etc - but doesn't bother with actual mainstream forms of social media. I have facebook but wouldn't be a big user of it, I find it handy for keeping in touch with family and keeping in the loop with friends but other than that I wouldn't be a big fan.

I suppose I'm being quite presumptuous in thinking people of a certain age should automatically have social media. It's just my experience of online dating sites that the ones who don't have these apps tend to be catfish.

I keep in touch with family & friends by actually meeting them in person, speaking personally to them on the phone, texting privately to them, or occasionally by email.
My best friend & my brother both lived in oz for few years, I managed to keep in touch without Facebook.
I am bothered with online dating because I would like to meet someone.
I am not bothered with social media because I don't care whether people know everything about me or not, I'd prefer they don't.
And I really couldn't care less about everyone else's social media!!
Now, granted I'm 40 now, but all my friends 'do' social media, & I have never been interested!

So don't dismiss everyone because they don't care for social media!

armaghlad

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Well I guess it's maybe because dating sites are used with a specific purpose in mind. For me I don't like Facebook. I don't understand why you think it's odd if you have one and not the other.

I find it odd (apart from it being the most popular form of social media on the planet) because some (but not all) dating apps can/are linked into or with facebook. Add in that virtually everyone nowadays has smartphones and will be using OD via their device, it's reasonable to assume that they will also have facebook.

tomwaterford

armaghlad wrote: »

I find it odd (apart from it being the most popular form of social media on the planet) because some (but not all) dating apps can/are linked into or with facebook. Add in that virtually everyone nowadays has smartphones and will be using OD via their device, it's reasonable to assume that they will also have facebook.

Facebook is pure shtie...only for you've to be linked to it for tinder I'd be long gone off it
Since I don't do online dating really should delete it at this stage



But TBF I do know very few people who don't have/didn't have one tbf most just carried over from school/collage pages needing it then

armaghlad

bubblypop wrote: »

I keep in touch with family & friends by actually meeting them in person, speaking personally to them on the phone, texting privately to them, or occasionally by email.
My best friend & my brother both lived in oz for few years, I managed to keep in touch without Facebook.
I am bothered with online dating because I would like to meet someone.
I am not bothered with social media because I don't care whether people know everything about me or not, I'd prefer they don't.
And I really couldn't care less about everyone else's social media!!
Now, granted I'm 40 now, but all my friends 'do' social media, & I have never been interested!

So don't dismiss everyone because they don't care for social media!

There's dismissing and then there's finding it odd.

I personally wouldn't find it too odd if a 40 year old didn't have a Facebook profile because it's not beyond the realms of possibility that they, like yourself, hadn't become as engrossed with social media in the same way, say someone half your age would be. When a 20 year old says they don't have facebook, I think it is odd because it is an oddity for someone that age not to have facebook...

KikiDee

It's reasonable to assume that they will have FB etc but not reasonable to assume they're fake if they don't

mickmackmcgoo

armaghlad wrote:

I find it odd (apart from it being the most popular form of social media on the planet) because some (but not all) dating apps can/are linked into or with facebook. Add in that virtually everyone nowadays has smartphones and will be using OD via their device, it's reasonable to assume that they will also have facebook.

You should never make assumptions on Dating sites. Everyone's different . Just because you and your circle use certain social media apps doesn't mean others do or should. Personally I don't have snapchat or instagram, probably due to my age but I have had girls on pof accuse me of being a catfish because I have neither and just like Lexi, I wouldn't give a stranger access to my Facebook until after I have physically met them .