Online dating

Ceribrial

I met a girl on pof about three months ago, we talked for a couple of weeks then exchanged numbers, we met up about a week or so later, now fast forward a few months and we have been going out ever since, in fact she is asleep beside me now, I was not one for internet dating but Im the happiest I have been in any relationship i have ever been in, so it can happen I suppose

jimbobaloobob

failinis wrote: »

Got assaulted (not related to anyone from online dating) and never tried since.

very sorry to hear that, hope your next experience is positive

failinis

jimbobaloobob wrote: »

very sorry to hear that, hope your next experience is positive

Thanks, I've tried to date people since but I can not let anyone "go near me" even at a gyno appointment had a panic attack. Might need to see a counsellor instead of all these failed dates but sure whats the harm of looking and seeing.
I was a grumpy old git anyway so it was hardly easy before anyway :pac:
Bouncing between here at the UK as well for Uni so hard to be settled anywhere.

jimbobaloobob

Id say there would be no harm in seeing the Councillor anyhow.

Ceribrial

Ceribrial wrote: »

I met a girl on pof about three months ago, we talked for a couple of weeks then exchanged numbers, we met up about a week or so later, now fast forward a few months and we have been going out ever since, in fact she is asleep beside me now, I was not one for internet dating but Im the happiest I have been in any relationship i have ever been in, so it can happen I suppose

Definitely happens, I was out playing with my 9 month old nephew this evening, his parents met on POF, nearly 3 years ago!
Also a work colleague is married with 2 kids, he met his wife on POF😀

jimbobaloobob

What about today fms court me add they keep playing has anyone tried that?

Trebor176

jimbobaloobob wrote: »

What about today fms court me add they keep playing has anyone tried that?

Yes, I'm a member. Two matches, both of whom don't appear to have logged in in a while. I did message both. Typical! Ok, there is a subscription fee (as is the case with most sites to upgrade), but I may give up on it. There don't appear to be too many joiners in my age range. At least ones I'd be interested in.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

failinis wrote: »

Thanks, I've tried to date people since but I can not let anyone "go near me" even at a gyno appointment had a panic attack. Might need to see a counsellor instead of all these failed dates but sure whats the harm of looking and seeing.
I was a grumpy old git anyway so it was hardly easy before anyway :pac:
Bouncing between here at the UK as well for Uni so hard to be settled anywhere.

Don't push yourself into anything you're not comfortable with or not ready for.
Councelling could help and being kind to yourself. You don't have to rush the physical side of the relationship either, just go as far as you feel comfortable with, the trust will come when you feel safe. I'm sorry that's happened to you.

failinis

failinis wrote: »

Thanks, I've tried to date people since but I can not let anyone "go near me" even at a gyno appointment had a panic attack. Might need to see a counsellor instead of all these failed dates but sure whats the harm of looking and seeing.
I was a grumpy old git anyway so it was hardly easy before anyway :pac:
Bouncing between here at the UK as well for Uni so hard to be settled anywhere.

That's very traumatic failinis Go easy on yourself. Maybe forget about the dating for a bit and speak to a counsellor. x

Mikkl

Jimbobaloobob, yes, I'm trying to keep these convos going in the hope one will lead to a DATE. I'm too proactive now, I should raced things along and said well if you want to meet up, that'd be good. But I know that makes a lot of men disappear. They just wanted to sit at home in their drey, messaging.

Failanas, that's awful. :-/

FGR

Mikkl wrote: »

Jimbobaloobob, yes, I'm trying to keep these convos going in the hope one will lead to a DATE. I'm too proactive now, I should raced things along and said well if you want to meet up, that'd be good. But I know that makes a lot of men disappear. They just wanted to sit at home in their drey, messaging.

Failanas, that's awful. :-/

You go Mikkl! From the male perspective it's great to see a wimmenz grab a bull by the horns. I think a lot of genuine people become warey after a while after the amount of let downs and dropped conversations that they're nearly afraid to take the initiative. Fair play!

sozbox

Mikkl wrote: »

They just wanted to sit at home in their drey, messaging. /QUOTE]

Had to look that word up, new one for me, love it!

failinis

jimbobaloobob wrote: »

Id say there would be no harm in seeing the Councillor anyhow.

LexieOnRale wrote: »

Don't push yourself into anything you're not comfortable with or not ready for.
Councelling could help and being kind to yourself. You don't have to rush the physical side of the relationship either, just go as far as you feel comfortable with, the trust will come when you feel safe. I'm sorry that's happened to you.

Deleted User wrote: »

That's very traumatic failinis Go easy on yourself. Maybe forget about the dating for a bit and speak to a counsellor. x

Thanks, it's just last time I spoke to someone (actually was my psychologist) they phoned the police and I almost was forced to go to court. I refused to name the person, and due to patient confidentiality neither could the shrink.
Plus seeing one means admitting what happened, was really real, if that makes sense?
I am angry as I have gotten on okay in the rest of my life, bar that romantic side of things, which is hard for a young person.
What am I meant to say to my GP, "Oh I was assaulted can I have a counsellor before I leave the country again." Waiting lists are too long.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

failinis wrote: »

Thanks, it's just last time I spoke to someone (actually was my psychologist) they phoned the police and I almost was forced to go to court. I refused to name the person, and due to patient confidentiality neither could the shrink.
Plus seeing one means admitting what happened, was really real, if that makes sense?
I am angry as I have gotten on okay in the rest of my life, bar that romantic side of things, which is hard for a young person.
What am I meant to say to my GP, "Oh I was assaulted can I have a counsellor before I leave the country again." Waiting lists are too long.

Maybe find a different councellor, they'll generally tell you at the start that what you say is confidential unless you're a danger to yourself or you tell them something about a child in danger then they'll pass it on but in general it's not like that. It's a safe space to get all the thoughts in your head unjumbled.

I understand the not admitting it but, sometimes it helps to be able to face it, accept you'll never change it, understand it wasn't your fault, and not give him any more power or control over your life. He's taken enough, he isn't worthy of anymore.

I suppose as far as the police is concerned, do what feels right for you. People tell you oh what if he does it to someone else, well, I don't think you need to worry about that. I'm all for looking out for yourself. If you don't feel like you can report it or go to the guards, that's alright. What he does, you're not responsible for it. If in time you do feel strong enough to report it that's okay too but don't let anyone bully you into doing something you're uncomfortable with.

I do think talking will help you. It won't fix it, it won't change it but you'll learn to accept it. Take things at your own pace. It doesn't matter if you can't sleep with someone, or you don't like kissing. Any decent man (and there are so many) would understand this. I spent 3 years getting to know/trusting the first guy I slept with after being assaulted. I went through college not sleeping with boys, not even really kissing boys. I'd talk to them, flirt with them, lead them on a bit but would panic when it was getting close to being more and then I'd just stop contact. I felt like - and probably still do - that I was too broken for a normal relationship. But, while I was panicking about keeping men at a distance, I got very attached to someone I only ever saw as a friend. And you know it didn't matter that i didn't like kissing, or didn't like doing certain things, and it didn't matter we'd try take things to the next level physically only for me to change my mind.

When it eventually did happen, I wasn't scared or upset or frightened or worried because I knew if I said no at any time he would have stopped, and knowing that was a massive comfort, knowing I was safe was pretty much half the battle. I think sometimes after something like that, you can build it up in your head to be something really scary or feel like you're damaged or broken but it isn't true.

Trying to fight it, push it out of your mind and pretend it hadn't happened - in my opinion, isn't the way to go because it did and it was horrible and you were hurt and you need someone to be patient with you while you learn to trust them.

Sorry it's quite a rambling post (I'm still on a diet and haven't had sugar in days) and this threads probably not the place to post it but things will be okay. If you do want to PM me, you are always welcome.

failinis

LexieOnRale wrote: »

Maybe find a different councellor, they'll generally tell you at the start that what you say is confidential unless you're a danger to yourself or you tell them something about a child in danger then they'll pass it on but in general it's not like that. It's a safe space to get all the thoughts in your head unjumbled.
(Snipped)

I may PM you, as I don't want to derail the thread, but thanks, thats exactly how I feel right now (I still want to date but when it comes to even kissing, abort mission sirens) etc.

People, back to the "they don't answer me" messages

jimbobaloobob

Mikkl wrote: »

Jimbobaloobob, yes, I'm trying to keep these convos going in the hope one will lead to a DATE. I'm too proactive now, I should raced things along and said well if you want to meet up, that'd be good. But I know that makes a lot of men disappear. They just wanted to sit at home in their drey, messaging.

Failanas, that's awful. :-/

you sound like you'd have no problem dating offline, either way your outlook is a positive one it appears.

jimbobaloobob

jimbobaloobob wrote: »

you sound like you'd have no problem dating offline, either way your outlook is a positive one it appears.

The thing about it is no one would have a problem dating offline. There really isn't much of a difference. Building a bit of a rapport and then asking him/her out is ultimately what happens.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

What's with getting chatted up on the street? I find that very unsettling

wakka12

LexieOnRale wrote: »

What's with getting chatted up on the street? I find that very unsettling

Would you say the same if he was hot?

jimbobaloobob

I agree Persepoly but many seem to resort to online and then appear to be in a constant frustration with it not working.
I guess I would see it as something people who are less outgoing or less inclined to joining clubs, going to pubs etc would do i suppose I'm looking at my own friends in that respect.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

wakka12 wrote: »

Would you say the same if he was hot?

I think I would!! Who'd stop a random person in the street? I just think they're poking fun at me, personally so I'd be very hostile

wakka12

LexieOnRale wrote: »

I think I would!! Who'd stop a random person in the street? I just think they're poking fun at me, personally so I'd be very hostile

Actually I would think the same seeing as Im very insecure:o Though Im too meek to be whats considered hostile, Id probably just come across as awkward.
Though some friends of mine from america and canada said that hitting on randomers on the street is a very common occurrence. They think Irish guys are shy except if theyre drunk in a bar or club. Don't know if its common on the continent.

jimbobaloobob

jimbobaloobob wrote: »

I agree Persepoly but many seem to resort to online and then appear to be in a constant frustration with it not working.
I guess I would see it as something people who are less outgoing or less inclined to joining clubs, going to pubs etc would do i suppose I'm looking at my own friends in that respect.

Oh absolutely! It is a great tool for those who are less outgoing. I firmly believe that's one big reason why many join. Along with maybe being anxious or shy or very introverted. But ultimately the principle of it is the same as the real world.

Mikkl

Failinis, I hope you find a therapist who will focus more on what you need to do to feel better.

Mister Vain

LexieOnRale wrote: »

What's with getting chatted up on the street? I find that very unsettling

It's all the rage over in the states. Day Game and all that.

tomwaterford

Mister Vain wrote: »

It's all the rage over in the states. Day Game and all that.

What's day game????

Mister Vain

tomwaterford wrote: »

What's day game????

It's approaching random burds during the day and chatting them up.

tomwaterford

Mister Vain wrote: »

It's approaching random burds during the day and chatting them up.

Jesus I work in back arse of nowhere and see literally no random WANs floating around

I literally never get to do this....just as well....wouldn't anticipate it ending atal well

There is not a thing wrong with approaching a man or a woman and striking up a conversation. If only it were more common. Of course the important thing to keep in mind is the whereabouts and the approach.

tomwaterford

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