Online dating

Foxtrol

 

Chain Smoker wrote: »

Jeez man, it's not self importance, and a long response is probably worse tbh (looks mental, I'd say, speaking from experience). You were complaining about why no one responds to natural conversation starters, a heap of people tell you the reason people don't respond to "hi, how are you?" and your response (seemingly) is "nah, you're wrong, self important gits; I'll keep doing what I'm at, thanks"
 
What am I missing here?

 
The self importance comment was quoting an earlier poster when they were explaining why they didn’t respond to short introductions.
 
Are you just selectively reading parts of my posts? Three times in the post you responded to (and coincidentally that you didn’t quote) I clearly stated that no one is entitled to attention/response, so why would I possibly be complaining about people not responding? It’s a strawman you’re using to ignore my actual point.

Once again, my issue is/was the tone of the judgmental comments that were being made about people who use shorter intros, generalising that men are the perpetrators, that it’s a sign they have difficulties holding conversations, and that they likely have questionable intentions.

Chain Smoker

Foxtrol wrote: »

The self importance comment was quoting an earlier poster when they were explaining why they didn’t respond to short introductions.

I’m not sure if you’re trolling at this stage or selectively reading parts of my posts? Three times in the post you responded to (and coincidentally that you didn’t quote) I clearly stated that no one is entitled to attention/response, so why would I possibly be complaining about people not responding? It’s a strawman you’re using to ignore my actual point.

Once again, my issue is/was the tone of the judgmental comments that were being made about people who use shorter intros, generalising that men are the perpetrators, that it’s a sign they have difficulties holding conversations, and that they likely have questionable intentions.

Ah okay, sorry, I thought you were on about the posters here in general, as opposed to a type of woman and (maybe) a poster or two on here. The way you kept referring to posters really made it seem that way.

I think I know which poster you're on about, not sure if it applies to them (expressing a frustration about it on an internet forum where the conversation is specifically about the issue is a totally different thing to really strongly holding such an opinion) but that type definitely do exist. I personally wouldn't want to deal with someone who comes to the table with a load of unwarranted demands or a chip on their shoulder so good riddance really.

That being said, it's such an incredibly unbalanced system and there's gonna be a few nuts making it harder on everyone (I'm sure you've seen some of those collections of screenshots from dating sites of very hostile responses from guys who haven't gotten a reply and the like), that I don't think it's too hard to see how they'd develop a mindset like that.



RE: the quoting. Your post is right there to read if someone wants to read it; for readability purposes I try to only bring the chunks of a larger post that are most relevant, which is a nightmare to do with any nuance on mobile.

RDM_83 again

I feel this is a pretty pertinent article for the men struggling on these sites (the atheist thing is probably more just OKC user base though)

http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/online-dating-advice-exactly-what-to-say-in-a-first-message/

Foxtrol wrote: »

The problem is there’s a risk/reward issue with messaging on the likes of POF. You could look in detail at every profile you come across and then craft a detailed message which could be missed or ignored by the person you write to or in the same amount of time you could message a generic mail to dozens of profiles that you like the look of from a quick glance. The risk in the latter is that your message is ignored but I’d say it’s not that worse than the chance the former will be ignored. Many will send those out just to test the waters and then will have a proper conversation if they get a response.

That sense of self-importance makes people want to feel instantly special, that the other person went out of their way to contact them rather than anyone else. I’m sure there are examples of this (and I’m sure plenty of people lie to their otherhalf about this) but it’s a rarity that a person who is actively looking isn’t in touch with several people on these apps. By wanting to be engaged instantly you’d be ignoring a massive population of people you could be perfect for (95% of people I’ve matched with in my case).

To be honest I get why it must eventually get really really frustrating for men to be constantly expected to come up with a introduction thats tailor made for each person even though its fairly likely never to be read.
However there is a middle ground, it doesn't take that long to skim a profile and pick up some individual things to ask, the bulk of your message can even remain standard, I presume its the same for male profiles but the womens profiles I saw tended even if "quirky" to regularly talk about the same things or have the same format e.g a massive info dump of bands/films.
edit: Though, question? Wouldn't you want to read the profile fully considering that the goal is actually to meet somebody in person?

Deleted User wrote: »

I won't. Straight away I will think that this person has very little to say for himself. That's not for me. I need my intellect engaged with and stimulated.

To be fair in my limited experience that sounds like a cliche in itself, like there is a put on intellectualism, for example I noticed loads of profiles with "A Handmaids Tale" as a specifically mentioned choice, presumably because it signals -reader -thinker -feminist- thing is to me thats a book that was coursework in a Catholic all boys school in the 90's/2000's so it just said to me 'here's a book thats signals I'm progessive and well read but I don't realize it was a GCSE book' (it was a peeve considering they never ever mentioned any other Female or Feminist Sci-Fi/Dystopia)

ToddyDoody

I did it for a while, when i was 18 - 21 or so. Met six that I can think of in person, two Dublin, one Waterford, one Cork, one Limerick, one Galway and talked to a few on the phone, one Mayo, one Dublin and one in the midlands.

I'd prefer to just follow people on Facebook / twitter to be honest.

BlondeMoment

Have to agree with the poster above. 'Hi' isnt exactly awe inspiring but communication has to start somewhere.

Im only on Tinder now but used to have a POF account a while back. Id message guys first about 50% of the time, always commenting on a pic of theirs or a funny opening line and some will bite, others will instantly unmatch or just never reply.
Im sure men experience the same, but because they seemimgly have to do most of the messaging first, they probably experience it in higher numbers.

I dont see anything wrong with throwing a 'Hi' out there to see who bites. I dont do it myself but I have replied to such messages in the past with varying results.
Yes, some people are boring and the conversation will usually start (and end, in fairness) with:
'Hi'
'Hi, how are you, love your hillwalking pic, is that 'such and such' mountain?'
'Yeah, it is. What you up to.'
Etc..
Thats boring, you can tell pretty quickly then if someone hasnt much to say for themselves.

And then ive replied to Hi messages before, only for their next message to be witty/interesting/whatever else, and they have me hooked. Some people arent the best communicators or are afraid they wont even get a reply back, and if Hi is all they can muster up then grand, Im not going to fault them for opening the line of communication.

One thing I will say though that gets me, some guys on Tinder have the worst scowling/furrowed brow/low angle see up their nose pics on their profiles. Even in the virtual world its not good body language!

Somebody wrote a few pages back that they dont want to see a guy in a silly costume on their profile, but id rather get a message from a smiling, friendly looking guy in a grass skirt, dodgy tan and coconut bra from last Halloween than a furrowed brow.

Hombre Lobo

Would anyone see distance as a barrier to replying to someone. Suppose you came across a profile that you found them attractive and there were some mutual interests between their profile and yourself..but you're in Dublin and they're in Cork. Would you bother?

BlondeMoment wrote: »

One thing I will say though that gets me, some guys on Tinder have the worst scowling/furrowed brow/low angle see up their nose pics on their profiles. Even in the virtual world its not good body language!

For every one of these there's a girl with pursed lips puckering to the camera like she's sucking a lemon though. Another horrible pose.

cantdecide

The opener is the toughest thing about OD because for all kinds of reasons. I think if we were all charming, well adjusted and attractive we wouldn't spend to much time online dating in the first place. As a pretty lackluster online dater myself, my options to win the young lady's heart were as follows;

The 'Hi'.

The 'I see from your profile...'.

The *'I'm great craic- let's see how long I can sustain this'.

The 'awri' dawlin' (dcik pic optional).

All have the potential to be lame. There is no substitute for appealing to the recipient in the first place. The opener becomes irrelevant then. With that in mind, I say just message away mad. Make some effort- it won't hurt.










*I especially hate this- I'm very guarded when I don't have the benefit of body language. Fundamentally why I sucked at OD.

Chain Smoker

Hombre Lobo wrote: »

Would anyone see distance as a barrier to replying to someone. Suppose you came across a profile that you found them attractive and there were some mutual interests between their profile and yourself..but you're in Dublin and they're in Cork. Would you bother?

No.

Best case scenario is what? That they're great and you've suddenly got to deal with this distance issue all the time?

Mister Vain

I always write a few sentences in my opening message, however whenever I get a reply or an unsolicited message its almost always very short with little or no effort to engage in discussion. Or I ask questions and they reply but they don't ask any questions of their own and eventually the conversation just fizzles out. That's been my experience anyway.

BlondeMoment

Hombre Lobo wrote: »

For every one of these there's a girl with pursed lips puckering to the camera like she's sucking a lemon though. Another horrible pose.

I have no doubt there is, cant understand it myself either. Ridiculous looking!

BlondeMoment

BlondeMoment wrote: »

I have no doubt there is, cant understand it myself either. Ridiculous looking!

Oh jaysus yeah the weird pouty poses. I come across loads of men who do the same or lying on their bed with their tongue out!

Mister Vain

Deleted User wrote: »

lying on their bed with their tongue out!

Dafuq? Post masturbatory exhaustion perhaps?

Mister Vain

Mister Vain wrote: »

Dafuq? Post masturbatory exhaustion perhaps?

I've no idea. I think they are trying to be all suggestive and sexy. They aren't.

Mister Vain

Deleted User wrote: »

I've no idea. I think they are trying to be all suggestive and sexy. They aren't.

Actually now that I think of it, I remember reading somewhere that if you upload a photo of yourself lying on your bed you'll have a greater chance of getting a reply. I think it was a POF article.

Mister Vain

Mister Vain wrote: »

Actually now that I think of it, I remember reading somewhere that if you upload a photo of yourself lying on your bed you'll have a greater chance of getting a reply. I think it was a POF article.

It's a strange one. I usually look a heap when I'm lying in bed. What with the unsexy jammies and tangled hair.

cantdecide

Deleted User wrote: »

It's a strange one. I usually look a heap when I'm lying in bed. What with the unsexy jammies and tangled hair.

PM sent.



I think some guys react to what they see in ladies profiles sometimes. I'm always left a little cold if I see a very manicured profile. Jaysus is it that difficult to be oneself?

Witchie

I feel like giving up altogether. I met a guy who is perfectly my type on Tinder and after a bit of texting arranged to meet one evening when I was in Dublin for college.

We met, had 2 beers each and then he walked me to Busaras to get the last bus home. We had a wee kiss and I left.

We sent some texts back and forth where he was (as was I) eager to meet the following week. A few, but not many texts were exchanged during the week and as my college day arrived I thought he had lost interest as he wasn't texting much.

I was wrong. He text to check we were still on to meet and meet we did. Again I had to get last bus home and he was trying to persuade me to stay but due to family commitments that week I couldn't and explained this. We had a few kisses in the pub and again saying goodbye in Busaras.

I text him letting him know I was home. No response. He was off work the next day so later that evening when I got a minute I text asking how his day off was. No response so I left it at that.

Still haven't heard a dickie bird 2 weeks on. I just don't get it. Why do men do this crap? Am sure women do too but my experience is with men.

TLDR: Promising relationship disappears as usual.

armaghlad

Think the best thing with OD is to go in with no expectations. Just enjoy what good moments you have, sometimes I think the more you pursue romance the harder it gets to find.

cantdecide

Witchie wrote: »

I feel like giving up altogether. I met a guy who is perfectly my type on Tinder and after a bit of texting arranged to meet one evening when I was in Dublin for college.

We met, had 2 beers each and then he walked me to Busaras to get the last bus home. We had a wee kiss and I left.

We sent some texts back and forth where he was (as was I) eager to meet the following week. A few, but not many texts were exchanged during the week and as my college day arrived I thought he had lost interest as he wasn't texting much.

I was wrong. He text to check we were still on to meet and meet we did. Again I had to get last bus home and he was trying to persuade me to stay but due to family commitments that week I couldn't and explained this. We had a few kisses in the pub and again saying goodbye in Busaras.

I text him letting him know I was home. No response. He was off work the next day so later that evening when I got a minute I text asking how his day off was. No response so I left it at that.

Still haven't heard a dickie bird 2 weeks on. I just don't get it. Why do men do this crap? Am sure women do too but my experience is with men.

TLDR: Promising relationship disappears as usual.

"I can take the despair; it's the hope I can't stand" comes to mind. You've both tried and that's all you can do. Sometimes things just don't work out even when they appear to be just right. You can't lose him if you never had him and it will probably bring you closer to finding someone that really is for you and vice versa. GL.

EDIT: all men are something something

Witchie

Witchie wrote: »

I feel like giving up altogether.

TLDR: Promising relationship disappears as usual.

That is so so disheartening for you Witchie. I've been there myself. After Christmas I wasn't in the best of places regarding dating but something started to shift in me.

I agree with armaghlad (I can't believe it either ) Wanting so badly to meet the right person and have a relationship can leave you vulnerable and exposed. Now I absolutely believe you need to be open and not afraid of showing vulnerability however it's a balancing act. One that only you will know how to manage.

For example I'm not scared to be open and vulnerable but neither am I 100% or indeed at all focused on having a relationship or filled with the need for one.

cantdecide

cantdecide wrote: »

"I can take the despair; it's the hope I can't stand" comes to mind. You've both tried and that's all you can do. Sometimes things just don't work out even when they appear to be just right. You can't lose him if you never had him and it will probably bring you closer to finding someone that really is for you and vice versa. GL.

In fairness they both didn't try. He ghosted Witchie.

armaghlad

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I agree with armaghlad (I can't believe it either )

Shush you! I talk sense sometimes

Witchie

Deleted User wrote: »

Witchie wrote: »

I feel like giving up altogether.

TLDR: Promising relationship disappears as usual.

That is so so disheartening for you Witchie. I've been there myself. After Christmas I wasn't in the best of places regarding dating but something started to shift in me.

I agree with armaghlad (I can't believe it either ) Wanting so badly to meet the right person and have a relationship can leave you vulnerable and exposed. Now I absolutely believe you need to be open and not afraid of showing vulnerability however it's a balancing act. One that only you will know how to manage.

For example I'm not scared to be open and vulnerable but neither am I 100% or indeed at all focused on having a relationship or filled with the need for one.

I have been so much more relaxed lately about the whole thing as am taking off travelling in the new year but just gave him a shot as he was right up my street. Dammit

cantdecide

Deleted User wrote: »

In fairness they both didn't try. He ghosted Witchie.

We all meet people and had a nice time but feel differently on reflecting. I don't get the impression he lead her on from what she's describing. I don't think there needs to be a villain every time something doesn't pan out.

EDIT: all men are something something

cantdecide

cantdecide wrote: »

We all meet people and had a nice time but feel differently on reflecting. I don't get the impression he lead her on from what she's describing. I don't think there needs to be a villain every time something doesn't pan out.

We are back to the ghosting chat again.

No there doesn't need to be a villain. However a bit of respect and honesty goes a long way. He showed real interest in Witchie and then didn't have the decency to be upfront with her.

There is nothing wrong with feeling differently on reflection. It's how you handle that that's important.

Me blood pressure is starting to rise.

mzungu

Witchie wrote: »

I have been so much more relaxed lately about the whole thing as am taking off travelling in the new year but just gave him a shot as he was right up my street. Dammit

Sounds like ye dodged a bullet there. Better off travelling.

armaghlad

Any boardies ever go on dates with each other?

Witchie

I actually did a little bit of disservice there to the guy. He did respond to my home safe text with "goodnight, sleep well. X "

As was said before I get that you can change your mind about someone, just have the common courtesy to let them know and not just disappear.

armaghlad

armaghlad wrote: »

Any boardies ever go on dates with each other?

Of course not! Everyone knows boardsies are strange and incapable of real world interaction.