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Online dating

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    #842
    smash
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34,809 ✭✭✭✭smash


    MarkAnthony wrote: »
    I'm dismissing your point on the basis of several things that you've indicated:

    (i) You're here for the thanks and the lulz. Absolutely fine that's what AH is for and it would be very boring without people like you.
    I never indicated that. I'm here for a bit of craic.
    MarkAnthony wrote: »
    (ii) You've missed the subtlety in my points, probably faults on both sides there but rather than engage you've gone for the above. Again no animus there it's AH.
    No I haven't. You suggested a dating site without pics... Most dating sites don't require a picture anyway!
    MarkAnthony wrote: »
    iii) Your inexperience or particular experience of the basis of long term relationships is apparent.
    How so? This should be good....
    MarkAnthony wrote: »
    That does not mean I believe you are young, a tad immature perhaps, but I've no idea of your physical age or life experience, just that your opinions are ones that I dismiss as poorly argued. (Again it's AH)
    And you're entitled to believe that but you hold no basis for your own arguments other than it worked for you in the past. There's plenty here who will argue otherwise.
    MarkAnthony wrote: »
    To restate my point again, what if it wasn't? If you gave it a bit of time without the photo and then saw the photo would your reaction be different to seeing the photo first? Fair enough in your case if it would not be.
    Yes, without a doubt it would.


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    #843
    Dr Crayfish
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 2,960 ✭✭✭Dr Crayfish


    Superhero1993 wrote: »
    The downfall is the hook-up culture. Nobody wants to make real connections sadly.


    Is there a hook up culture? Maybe I missed the boat being in my mid 30s but are people just meeting on Tinder with the solo aim being to have sex? I've never come across one profile on POF with this in mind. I've never used Tinder though.


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    #844
    MarkAnthony
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,934 ✭✭✭MarkAnthony


    smash wrote: »
    Yes, without a doubt it would.

    Grand so.


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    #845
    Lyaiera
    Registered Users Posts: 5,818 ✭✭✭Lyaiera


    smash wrote: »
    Initial attraction is usually based on looks. I never stated that it's the be all and end all. For online dating, a system can tell you who you might match with but 9 times out of 10 it's the photo that will decide if you actually message them or not.

    It's really not the deciding factor to me. It plays a part, but I'm happy to see if I have mental or emotional connection with someone even if I don't have that initial physical connection. It's why I don't dismiss people who have no picture.


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    #846
    Superhero1993
    Closed Accounts Posts: 126 ✭✭Superhero1993


    Dr Crayfish wrote: »
    Is there a hook up culture? Maybe I missed the boat being in my mid 30s but are people just meeting on Tinder with the solo aim being to have sex? I've never come across one profile on POF with this in mind. I've never used Tinder though.
    I certainly think there is. Im 22 and thats all I see and hear. I don't do hook-ups which makes it difficult to meet women imo.


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    #847
    MarkAnthony
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,934 ✭✭✭MarkAnthony


    Superhero1993 wrote: »
    I certainly think there is. Im 22 and thats all I see and hear. I don't do hook-ups which makes it difficult to meet women imo.

    To be fair, it's what the majority of people want at that age, even prior to dating sites/apps. Personally I'd just go with it :pac:


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    #848
    smash
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34,809 ✭✭✭✭smash


    Lyaiera wrote: »
    It's really not the deciding factor to me. It plays a part, but I'm happy to see if I have mental or emotional connection with someone even if I don't have that initial physical connection. It's why I don't dismiss people who have no picture.

    And different strokes etc. If I have a mental or emotional connection with someone without any physical connection then I wouldn't progress with a relationship beyond friendship. And that's not an immature attitude as others have alluded to. It's just who I am, and it's how a lot of people are.


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    #849
    maudgonner
    Registered Users Posts: 5,455 ✭✭✭maudgonner


    MarkAnthony wrote: »
    Having used to forerunners to tinder for much kinkier hook ups than you'd get on your average tinder I can assure you I'm well aware of the excellent utility these services/site have.

    Yeah, those weren't the other types of online dating sites I was talking about, but I'll take your word for it. There are plenty that are aimed more for people looking for a serious relationship.


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    #850
    Lyaiera
    Registered Users Posts: 5,818 ✭✭✭Lyaiera


    smash wrote: »
    And different strokes etc. If I have a mental or emotional connection with someone without any physical connection then I wouldn't progress with a relationship beyond friendship. And that's not an immature attitude as others have alluded to. It's just who I am, and it's how a lot of people are.

    I agree there needs to be a physical attraction. I'm just of the opinion that's not decided based on seeing their photographs at the very start. I think it can develop as you talk to someone.

    I've been asked out by guys who I didn't have a physical attraction but did have an emotional and mental connection with, but the physical connection never developed. Equally there have been guys who I didn't have a physical connection to, there was a mental and emotional connection, then the physical connection developed as I talked to them.

    I think it's just the idea that because it's not there immediately means it'll never be there is a problem. Of course the issue then is how much time you give them.


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    #851
    smash
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34,809 ✭✭✭✭smash


    Lyaiera wrote: »
    I agree there needs to be a physical attraction. I'm just of the opinion that's not decided based on seeing their photographs at the very start. I think it can develop as you talk to someone.
    It can also diminish. It works both ways :)


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    #852
    Lyaiera
    Registered Users Posts: 5,818 ✭✭✭Lyaiera


    smash wrote: »
    It can also diminish. It works both ways :)

    Aye. Plenty of people I've thought were a bit alright looking only for them to start talking and become the ugliest mofo on the planet. And I'm not talking about their accent.


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    #853
    MarkAnthony
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,934 ✭✭✭MarkAnthony


    maudgonner wrote: »
    Yeah, those weren't the other types of online dating sites I was talking about, but I'll take your word for it. There are plenty that are aimed more for people looking for a serious relationship.

    There certainly are, as I said I met my - now - wife on one. The point I was making is even the most serious website will largely reduce the initial experience to appearance/spurious 'I like hiking' profiles. The issue there, taking appearance is a vacuum, is you're likely to dismiss some on the little things without ever getting to a massive thing like you both have a passion for something mutual. Conversely you may go for someone who is not your intellectual equal and become bored/overwhelmed.

    Of course you need physical attraction, absolutely, all I'm saying is you might overlook something physical if you've first been exposed to the personality of the person. I quite agree that if the person is in no way physically attractive to you then it's not going to go anywhere, other than perhaps a friendship as smash has rightly pointed out.


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    #854
    maudgonner
    Registered Users Posts: 5,455 ✭✭✭maudgonner


    Lyaiera wrote: »
    I agree there needs to be a physical attraction. I'm just of the opinion that's not decided based on seeing their photographs at the very start. I think it can develop as you talk to someone.

    I agree with you, physical attraction definitely changes as you get to know someone - it can grow, and equally it can fade.

    I do think that you need to base your initial attraction on something though - whether it's shared interests in their profile, or their style of writing, or their appearance. Otherwise you'd just be messaging everyone!

    And that's exactly the same as it is in the offline world, it's not peculiar to online dating.


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    #855
    Lyaiera
    Registered Users Posts: 5,818 ✭✭✭Lyaiera


    maudgonner wrote: »
    I agree with you, physical attraction definitely changes as you get to know someone - it can grow, and equally it can fade.

    I do think that you need to base your initial attraction on something though - whether it's shared interests in their profile, or their style of writing, or their appearance. Otherwise you'd just be messaging everyone!

    And that's exactly the same as it is in the offline world, it's not peculiar to online dating.

    Yeah. The latest message I sent was based on a profile, that would be hard for me to distinguish between loads of others. He's not amazing looking, but has a bit of a goofy smile as his main profile pic, which was endearing. He likes sports a lot. And there wasn't much else. But it was the way he wrote all this. In a kind of "This is me, like it or lump" way that it worked. He wasn't engineering anything, it seemed like he wasn't angling for a catchy phrase, or using any of those tips or techniques people talk about for profiles. Basically he's profile seemed like he was sure of who he was and that was really attractive.

    But equally someone could be sure of themselves and I'd think they're an awful pillock.


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    #856
    smash
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34,809 ✭✭✭✭smash


    Lyaiera wrote: »
    But equally someone could be sure of themselves and I'd think they're an awful pillock.

    Has anyone ever used elitedating? Based on the ads (and the name) I'm guessing it's full of this type.


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    #857
    Dial Hard
    Registered Users Posts: 13,709 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    And we're back to the implied judgement of those who choose not to engage with people who don't have pics up.

    I can obviously only speak from my own experience but in around 3 years of on/off online dating activity, never once did I find someone who sent their picture after the fact attractive. So I just stopped engaging with the faceless entities. It's a lot easier than trying to extricate yourself from the situation after a couple of days of chatting when they finally "reveal" themselves and you just don't fancy them.

    In my experience (and I stress that because no doubt someone will choose to gloss over it when disagreeing with me), there's generally a reason people won't put a photo up and it's not because they're famous.


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    #858
    armaghlad
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,660 ✭✭✭armaghlad


    smash wrote: »
    Has anyone ever used elitedating? Based on the ads (and the name) I'm guessing it's full of this type.
    I joined beautifulpeople.com (?) just to see if I'd get in. I deleted it soon after.


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    #859
    maudgonner
    Registered Users Posts: 5,455 ✭✭✭maudgonner


    MarkAnthony wrote: »
    There certainly are, as I said I met my - now - wife on one. The point I was making is even the most serious website will largely reduce the initial experience to appearance/spurious 'I like hiking' profiles. The issue there, taking appearance is a vacuum, is you're likely to dismiss some on the little things without ever getting to a massive thing like you both have a passion for something mutual. Conversely you may go for someone who is not your intellectual equal and become bored/overwhelmed.

    Of course you need physical attraction, absolutely, all I'm saying is you might overlook something physical if you've first been exposed to the personality of the person. I quite agree that if the person is in no way physically attractive to you then it's not going to go anywhere, other than perhaps a friendship as smash has rightly pointed out.

    Yes, but I think you're assuming that if a photo is supplied people will judge the profile entirely on the photo. And I'm sure some do, but I suspect that for anyone looking for any kind of a serious relationship, that's not the case. Certainly for myself and for a number of my friends who are also on OD, a photo is just one part of the package.

    If a guy's profile makes me laugh, or fascinates me, or shows me that he's kind, I'll be 50% sure to message him. If we have things in common, maybe another 10%. If we're looking for the same things in life, another 20%. The remaining 20% may depend on a certain level of attraction - being very honest, if I have no physical attraction whatsoever to his photos, zero, nothing, then it would probably rule him out. But if a base level exists, then I'm perfectly happy to see where it goes, see if that attraction develops.

    So while I get your point, I don't agree with you. I think online dating is what you make it. If you want to find someone you're physically attracted to, you can do so. If you want to find someone you share interest with, you can do so. If you want to find someone you connect on a deeper level with, there's nothing to stop that, except yourself.

    If there were a site where photos were not used, then I suspect the same type of people would sign up to it as those who are looking beyond the photos on existing dating sites.


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    #860
    MarkAnthony
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,934 ✭✭✭MarkAnthony


    Dial Hard wrote: »
    In my experience (and I stress that because no doubt someone will choose to gloss over it when disagreeing with me), there's generally a reason people won't put a photo up and it's not because they're famous.

    The mad thing is there's someone for everyone and most people (especially women) are better looking than they give themselves credit for.


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    #861
    maudgonner
    Registered Users Posts: 5,455 ✭✭✭maudgonner


    Lyaiera wrote: »
    Yeah. The latest message I sent was based on a profile, that would be hard for me to distinguish between loads of others. He's not amazing looking, but has a bit of a goofy smile as his main profile pic, which was endearing. He likes sports a lot. And there wasn't much else. But it was the way he wrote all this. In a kind of "This is me, like it or lump" way that it worked. He wasn't engineering anything, it seemed like he wasn't angling for a catchy phrase, or using any of those tips or techniques people talk about for profiles. Basically he's profile seemed like he was sure of who he was and that was really attractive.

    But equally someone could be sure of themselves and I'd think they're an awful pillock.

    I think I mentioned it before on here, but one of the best profiles I ever saw was a guy who listed loads and loads of stuff that he loved. About five paragraphs full of everything you can imagine - from music, to films, to art, philosophy, animals, countries, colours etc etc. The way he wrote it was so happy and positive and chaotic, you couldn't help but smile and know that he would be great fun to be around. As you say, some people could do that and have it seem self-absorbed, but this guy made it joyful.

    I came this close to messaging him, but he's 30 years older than me. There's still a little bit of me that regrets it, I think it would have been an amazing first date!


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    #862
    J Mysterio
    Registered Users Posts: 11,035 ✭✭✭✭J Mysterio


    [Deleted User] wrote: »
    Speaking for myself unless I am physically attracted to a man and can imagine myself having sex with him then there won't be a relationship.

    That physical attraction is entirely subjective but I must feel it.

    This is what I was talking about the other day. This is what I mean by the 'hi' opener. It's letting the other person know you 'feel it' and giving them an opportunity to 'hi' it back.

    It does all start from physical attraction but, of course, you must be attracted to the person as a whole for there to be anything in it.

    Anyway, I did take some advice from here and wrote a more substantive opener and... Result!


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    #863
    Lyaiera
    Registered Users Posts: 5,818 ✭✭✭Lyaiera


    Ok Profile
    Ok Pic
    Says he's a nerd
    I hover over the like button
    Look at his questions to be sure
    "Compassion is: A sign of weakness."
    *Sad Trombone*
    *Benny Hill Scene*


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    #864
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 18,749 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    I was messaged by a guy on POF with no pics, we spoke for a while & agreed to meet, me never having seen him!
    So, met one evening and..............




    He wasn't ugly!!!
    But I still didn't fancy him.
    So, yea if the person catches your attention ( by which I mean a decent opening message not Hi) then having no pics isn't a deal breaker for me.
    But, when it comes to looking at profiles, there really isn't time to read everyone, so no pic profiles usually go unread.

    On a separate note, is it a thing that some men don't like to be messaged first? Like the think the girl is coming on strong/ desperate or something?


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    #865
    MarkAnthony
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,934 ✭✭✭MarkAnthony


    bubblypop wrote: »
    On a separate note, is it a thing that some men don't like to be messaged first? Like the think the girl is coming on strong/ desperate or something?

    Some men like feet, some women have a thing for moobs. Everyone is different. I think you'd have to have pretty old fashioned views to think it was wrong for a woman to message you first but that's just me.


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    #866
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 21,679 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    MarkAnthony wrote: »
    Some men like feet, some women have a thing for moobs. Everyone is different. I think you'd have to have pretty old fashioned views to think it was wrong for a woman to message you first but that's just me.

    I agree. If I see a man I like I'll send him a message. I wouldn't want to be interacting with someone who thought that was desperate.


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    #867
    Superhero1993
    Closed Accounts Posts: 126 ✭✭Superhero1993


    bubblypop wrote: »
    I was messaged by a guy on POF with no pics, we spoke for a while & agreed to meet, me never having seen him!
    So, met one evening and..............




    He wasn't ugly!!!
    But I still didn't fancy him.
    So, yea if the person catches your attention ( by which I mean a decent opening message not Hi) then having no pics isn't a deal breaker for me.
    But, when it comes to looking at profiles, there really isn't time to read everyone, so no pic profiles usually go unread.

    On a separate note, is it a thing that some men don't like to be messaged first? Like the think the girl is coming on strong/ desperate or something?

    First off, you were brave meeting when ya didn't even know what he looked like. Could have been anyone, I wouldn't advise it. Also I would have no problem with a woman messaging me first if I felt we may hit it off.


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    #868
    intune
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 48 ✭intune


    bubblypop wrote: »
    I was messaged by a guy on POF with no pics, we spoke for a while & agreed to meet, me never having seen him!
    So, met one evening and..............




    He wasn't ugly!!!
    But I still didn't fancy him.
    So, yea if the person catches your attention ( by which I mean a decent opening message not Hi) then having no pics isn't a deal breaker for me.
    But, when it comes to looking at profiles, there really isn't time to read everyone, so no pic profiles usually go unread.

    On a separate note, is it a thing that some men don't like to be messaged first? Like the think the girl is coming on strong/ desperate or something?

    Fair play to you for doing that !
    POF is great !


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    #869
    PandaX9
    Registered Users Posts: 1,584 ✭✭✭PandaX9


    Dr Crayfish wrote: »
    Is there a hook up culture? Maybe I missed the boat being in my mid 30s but are people just meeting on Tinder with the solo aim being to have sex? I've never come across one profile on POF with this in mind. I've never used Tinder though.

    I've only ever used Tinder and I would disagree with the idea that people use it solely to have sex asap. You can come across people who do state that as being their intent, but I find these people few and far between and I appreciate their transparency. More often you'll get people who will chance their arm and try to steer conversations in a more sexual tone beyond the boundaries of flanter but again if unwanted this can be shot down without any upset on either parties side easily enough. So no, I don't think all people who use tinder use it solely to arrange hook ups - at least in my experience using it in Ireland. I feel like Irish guys aren't confident enough to openly try it because some girls would ignore him. In Italy, however, guys on tinder openly proposition you and it's funny how lighthearted it is.

    I've only had one instance where the guy and I had been on completely different wavelengths regarding what we wanted. We matched, he started laying down the charm pretty thick and then when I started trying to get a conversation going he said "why don't you tell me all about this over drinks?". I was lovestruck for some reason so.. We went out, got drinks, I tried to split the bill whenever possible though he was intent on paying for me. I thought he was just being generous. Evening comes to an end, I tell him I had a lovely night and had a great time, kissed him goodbye but it was time for me to call a taxi - turns out he lives down the street from me and he said "oh why don't we split a cab then?". I agreed, naively thinking that he was just being economical. He pounced on me in the taxi - all hands and whatnot. I was kind of bemused by the situation and was trying to pay attention to the road, happy enough until he suddenly told the driver to pull in when it came to his road, handed him the fare and jumped out the car and ran out to my side so open the door for me faster than I've ever seen anyone much. I was so confused, he asked me if I was coming out and the driver was getting irate so the date ended in me jumping out, explaining to him that I legitimately had no intention of joining him in his apartment and was confused as to why he thought jumping in my taxi would change that. He was less suave and more tipsy than I thought and mumbled about how he just thought I wanted to go back with him and was just being coy about, so I kissed him goodbye, bade him farewell and walked the few minutes home. Poor guy looked like his ego had never had a refusal before.. Not only was it our first date, it was my first ever date :pac:. Why he just assumed that sex would be on the cards I will never know. In fairness, I never established beforehand that I wasn't into that but at the same time you should never just assume it's a given.. He was older than me and from the end of the date I feel like he did it a lot and a lot of girls did automatically sleep with him, good for him if that's what he wants. Guess we just misunderstood each other.

    On the flip side, I do have a male friend who uses tinder solely for sex. He talks to people, gets their snapchat, flirts whatever have you - doesn't usually bother with even asking them out on dates because it's easy to put up a snapchat story whenever he's on harcourt street and girls often message him like "oh my godddd you're on harcourt street? No way, me too! Small world! Come find me in diceys etc". He brings them home, does the deed and then after sending them away in the morning he often tries to erase all virtual trail of this girl unless he thought there was something exceptional about her - usually works until she sees him in a club next him down the line. The corridor leading up to his apartment is like a conveyor belt of women in the summer months, it's quite sad because some of them have genuinely thought theyre his girlfriend in the past if he calls them more then once.


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    #870
    PandaX9
    Registered Users Posts: 1,584 ✭✭✭PandaX9


    Superhero1993 wrote: »
    First off, you were brave meeting when ya didn't even know what he looked like. Could have been anyone, I wouldn't advise it. Also I would have no problem with a woman messaging me first if I felt we may hit it off.

    To be fair, even if you do see someone's picture beforehand - they still "could be anyone". Just because you've seen a photo of them doesn't make them any less likely to be a creep/sexually aggressive etc. But I get your reasoning that you could be texting what you think is Mark, aged 24 with a full head of brown hair and what arrives on the date is Martin, aged 64 with a beer gut and combover. But I think that's pretty rare..

    Apologies for the absolute wall of text in my last post, is probably more irrelevant than I thought initially.


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    #871
    MarkAnthony
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,934 ✭✭✭MarkAnthony


    PandaX9 wrote: »
    To be fair, even if you do see someone's picture beforehand - they still "could be anyone". Just because you've seen a photo of them doesn't make them any less likely to be a creep/sexually aggressive etc. But I get your reasoning that you could be texting what you think is Mark, aged 24 with a full head of brown hair and what arrives on the date is Martin, aged 64 with a beer gut and combover. But I think that's pretty rare..

    Apologies for the absolute wall of text in my last post, is probably more irrelevant than I thought initially.

    I'm not 64... :pac:


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