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Online dating

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    #1292
    PandaX9
    Registered Users Posts: 1,584 ✭✭✭PandaX9


    Superhero1993 wrote: »
    I said it as women constantly have their guard up because of the dicks that leave them high and dry which I believe is true. Then when a genuine guy comes along, a lot of the time they may feel like it's not worth the effort etc.

    I wouldn't so naive as to assume that all women who may or may not go for the "genuine, nice guy" do so because they've been left fragile by the actions of some dickhead.

    I'm not saying you do think this way but it's the trappings of the fedora-wearing NiceGuy/ neckbeard crowd that you hear tales of from Reddit and Tumblr. I don't think women are as closed off as you think, generally other factors come into play - for example, the self-proclaimed "nice guy" may be incredibly dull or otherwise unattractive to the woman. But because he's a "nice guy" she could not possibly be I attracted to him for any reason to do with him, it must have been some dickhead from her past interfering via mind control :pac:!


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    #1293
    Penny Tration
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    Superhero1993 wrote: »
    I said it as women constantly have their guard up because of the dicks that leave them high and dry which I believe is true. Then when a genuine guy comes along, a lot of the time they may feel like it's not worth the effort etc.

    That's... Not true.

    If a woman isn't immediately delighted or jumping into bed with you, that's not being guarded. that's being normal.

    If you think a woman isn't worth the effort, don't even try.

    My boyfriend is a nice guy. He's also not a pushover, has plenty of confidence and wasn't afraid to tell me to fcuk off or otherwise treat me like a human. He also waited months for sex - not because I'm guarded. Because I have standards I stick to. He didn't put in extra effort. he knew I wasn't the gushing, clingy, desperate for sex type. He knew that from the beginning and chose to stay. He wasn't making effort, he was being himself.


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    #1294
    qo2cj1dsne8y4k
    Closed Accounts Posts: 23,646 ✭✭✭✭qo2cj1dsne8y4k


    Or it's nothing at all to do with the guy, and it's all on the woman.

    Certainly when myself and the luckiest man were trying to move onto a relationship after a 3 year friendship it was very difficult. He'd seen puke coming out of my nose after a particularly wild night out, I'd told him gross things you probably don't tell a guy if you want them to ever be able to look at you with no clothes on, he knew all my secrets and fears, and it left me feeling very vulnerable, esp when I was risking losing my best friend in the entire world to make him my boyfriend. It was weird.

    He'd always treated me nicer than he was with most people. He's very sarcastic, very funny but a lot of friends back then would have thought he was an arrogant ass. I had a gay friend at the time who knew him well but couldn't for the life of him figure out why I was friends with him and was even more horrified when it was more than friends, but he was actually a nice guy, just liked getting a reaction. He even treated me better than his long term girlfriend. Making excuses not to hang out with her so he could watch Disney movies with me via msn when we were both away at college.

    But taking that leap from friendship to relationship was scary and hard. He'd broken up with someone, most of my friends thought he was an asshole (he told one of them she looked like she rolled straight out of bed on a night out), I thought he wouldn't be over his ex, his parents wouldn't like me because I wasn't her. It was the first guy I ever had butterflies for, or that I trusted. And it felt I was going to lose all that just for sex. So -- I told him, let's just stay friends. And he was devastated. He told me "I was only ever nice to you. I treated you like a princess. Even when I was being mean to everyone else, you were always different. Being nice gets you nowhere. Being a **** is the only way to be" and proceeded to tell me how easy it is for him to get girls when he's an ass.

    Now -- clearly all worked out in the end. But, he could have stood on his head and if I asked him to I'm sure he'd have tried if he thought that's what it would have taken, but it was literally nothing to do with him, or how I'd have liked him better if he was as mean to me as everyone else thought he was. There was no reason not to take it further, just trust issues and irrational fear of not having him as a friend if it didn't work out.

    So it's not always on the guy.


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    #1295
    Lyaiera
    Registered Users Posts: 5,818 ✭✭✭Lyaiera


    Felix Jones is God wrote: »
    Lyaeira, why do you consider yourself undateable now?

    To be honest, I don't think I am. But I will need someone very caring to go out with. For a long time I wasn't comfortable with myself, or my sexuality. I'm still not completely comfortable, but I want a relationship so I'm going to make the effort.

    There's a lot of men who won't see a transgender woman as a potential partner, which is fine. I'm not going to force anyone to do anything they don't want. There's definitely men who would have sex with a transgender woman, but they don't see her as potential date or girlfriend, more like someone to indulge their sexual desires with. And again, that's not my thing. I'm looking for someone I can share my day with. I don't want to be confined to someone's bedroom.

    I'm not going to go about raving that if you don't want to date a trans person you're homophobic, or transphobic or anything like that. It's your sexuality, if you're not comfortable with something it's fine. I might have more of a chance if I fitted into stereotypical beauty norms, but I'm overweight, have bad teeth, a deep manly voice and if you talk to me it's obvious I'm trans. It just means my potential partners are limited.

    I've been asked out by people before. One person in particular I have an awful fondness for, and I think he would treat me well and as a proper, honest to god girlfriend, but I didn't feel that way for him. I thought about it a lot, if I was passing up a rare opportunity, but I made the right decision. If there's nothing there, there's nothing there. I'm still friends with him, and I'm glad he can still see himself as a friend of mine.

    I know plenty of trans people in happy relationships, straight, gay, whatever. I don't know if there's someone out there for me, but it's not going to stop me looking. I just need to take things slow and let things play out. I'm happy to wait for the right person, even if sometimes I get down. But we all have our problems, some women fear men might not go for them because they have kids, other people have health and mental health issues they feel limits their prospects, others have battled with addiction, and other personal problems, others feel like they can't find someone because they're disabled. We all have our issues, and things we feel limit us. It's no reason to give up though. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't then I'll just be happy with myself.


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    #1296
    Superhero1993
    Closed Accounts Posts: 126 ✭✭Superhero1993


    Penny Tration wrote:
    That's... Not true.

    Penny Tration wrote:
    If a woman isn't immediately delighted or jumping into bed with you, that's not being guarded. that's being normal.

    Penny Tration wrote:
    If you think a woman isn't worth the effort, don't even try.

    Penny Tration wrote:
    My boyfriend is a nice guy. He's also not a pushover, has plenty of confidence and wasn't afraid to tell me to fcuk off or otherwise treat me like a human. He also waited months for sex - not because I'm guarded. Because I have standards I stick to. He didn't put in extra effort. he knew I wasn't the gushing, clingy, desperate for sex type. He knew that from the beginning and chose to stay. He wasn't making effort, he was being himself.


    Well im only going by my experiences. I am confident and by no means a pushover and that's the feeling i get. I also dont appreciate the insinuation that I am those things which I feel are coming from your posts.


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    #1297
    qo2cj1dsne8y4k
    Closed Accounts Posts: 23,646 ✭✭✭✭qo2cj1dsne8y4k


    Mister Vain wrote: »
    Here's one for yis. How much would you spend on a night out in a daycent restaurant? And do people go for romantic picnics anymore?


    Depends! Kinda restaurant you thinking? Or what sort of night? Very fancy? Regular meal out, nice food and wine?? Cocktails and food? A really good meal not so much emphasis on the drink? You can do it as cheap or as extravagant as you like. We had a night out in peruke and periwig a few months back, food, few (OK quite a few) cocktails and it was just shy of 300 I think. 280ish.
    You can go across the street to fire, and it's maybe between 100-150.

    There's a beautiful restaurant in rathmines we went to, byow, 35 for 3 courses and tea/coffee. Including wine, less than 100.

    There's some places depending on what night you go 2 courses, 20 euro. Glass of wine with dinner, coming in under 50 euro.

    Don't think there's any set rules. I've had as much fun eating pizza in my pjs on date night as I have had stuffing pretentious Nosh into my gob on a fancier date night. It's whatever you're both comfortable doing


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    #1298
    Superhero1993
    Closed Accounts Posts: 126 ✭✭Superhero1993


    PandaX9 wrote:
    I wouldn't so naive as to assume that all women who may or may not go for the "genuine, nice guy" do so because they've been left fragile by the actions of some dickhead.

    PandaX9 wrote:
    I'm not saying you do think this way but it's the trappings of the fedora-wearing NiceGuy/ neckbeard crowd that you hear tales of from Reddit and Tumblr. I don't think women are as closed off as you think, generally other factors come into play - for example, the self-proclaimed "nice guy" may be incredibly dull or otherwise unattractive to the woman. But because he's a "nice guy" she could not possibly be I attracted to him for any reason to do with him, it must have been some dickhead from her past interfering via mind control !


    I see your point and I know full well that a woman may not be attracted to a nice guy for a number of reasons but I meant the initial stage, I would call myself a decent looking lad and the amount if women that have blanked me on a night out when I've tried to talk to them is unreal.


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    #1299
    Superhero1993
    Closed Accounts Posts: 126 ✭✭Superhero1993


    Deltaspring wrote:
    If you are confident then I wouldn't bother with Tinder, just chat up women on the street.


    Yeah cos women react well to that. Its not the norm in Ireland


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    #1300
    qo2cj1dsne8y4k
    Closed Accounts Posts: 23,646 ✭✭✭✭qo2cj1dsne8y4k


    Superhero1993 wrote: »
    I see your point and I know full well that a woman may not be attracted to a nice guy for a number of reasons but I meant the initial stage, I would call myself a decent looking lad and the amount if women that have blanked me on a night out when I've tried to talk to them is unreal.

    They might be fed up with lads coming up to them, they might not be single, they might be out with their friends and have been politely telling guys all night they're not interested.


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    #1301
    Superhero1993
    Closed Accounts Posts: 126 ✭✭Superhero1993


    Deltaspring wrote:
    Anyway, you said you were confident so why are you bothered by how they might react.

    Deltaspring wrote:
    I've done it plenty of times, the worst a rejection has been was basically being ignored or dismissed easily. And there were loads who loved it.

    Deltaspring wrote:
    How many times have you done it?


    I've tried it a few times, never worked. And cop on, being confident doesn't mean that ya don't want to make a fool of yourself.


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    #1302
    Superhero1993
    Closed Accounts Posts: 126 ✭✭Superhero1993


    LexieOnRale wrote:
    They might be fed up with lads coming up to them, they might not be single, they might be out with their friends and have been politely telling guys all night they're not interested.

    No I know that but like I've tried a lot and rarely got any good outcomes.


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    #1303
    qo2cj1dsne8y4k
    Closed Accounts Posts: 23,646 ✭✭✭✭qo2cj1dsne8y4k


    Deltaspring wrote: »
    You are doing it wrong, plenty of people have very good outcomes. It's normal for women to give you some sassiness when you approach, just be non reactive, playful, smile and tease her. Perhaps you interpret that as hostility, it's not, it's flirting.
    Oh the Lord save us.
    When someone says no, I don't think they're playing hard to get.


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    #1304
    Superhero1993
    Closed Accounts Posts: 126 ✭✭Superhero1993


    Deltaspring wrote:
    How is it making a fool of yourself to see an attractive woman and to go over and talk to her?

    Deltaspring wrote:
    You don't sound confident.

    So a guy can't call himself confident if he doesn't approach random women on the street? Completely disagree with that.


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    #1305
    Penny Tration
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    Superhero1993 wrote: »
    Well im only going by my experiences. I am confident and by no means a pushover and that's the feeling i get. I also dont appreciate the insinuation that I am those things which I feel are coming from your posts.

    You feel incorrectly. If I thought you were those things, I'd tell you because ultimately it'd be of help to you.

    Talking about women being guarded and not worth the effort smacks of "well she slept with him so I'm entitled to that too" though.


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    #1306
    Felix Jones is God
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,160 ✭✭✭Felix Jones is God


    Deltaspring wrote: »
    Who said anything about saying no?

    You are misinterpreting me.

    You're misinterpreting the female sex


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    #1307
    Penny Tration
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    Deltaspring wrote: »
    How many times have you done it?

    I've done it plenty of times, the worst a rejection has been was basically being ignored or dismissed easily. And there were loads who loved it.

    Anyway, you said you were confident so why are you bothered by how they might react.

    I don't think it's common in Ireland to chat women up on the street. but I had a guy do it and we ended up together for a year and are still good friends years later. It was quite cute really.


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    #1308
    Superhero1993
    Closed Accounts Posts: 126 ✭✭Superhero1993


    Deltaspring wrote:
    Who said anything about saying no?

    Deltaspring wrote:
    You are misinterpreting me.

    Deltaspring wrote:
    Women often tease or slag men, it's part of flirting.

    Its not that simple


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    #1309
    armaghlad
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,660 ✭✭✭armaghlad


    Deltaspring wrote: »
    You are doing it wrong, plenty of people have very good outcomes. It's normal for women to give you some sassiness when you approach, just be non reactive, playful, smile and tease her. Perhaps you interpret that as hostility, it's not, it's flirting.
    Some girls like it, others don't. I've done it once before and it was successful; but I can't see why anyone would waste their time approaching women in this fashion when you can do the same on tinder with a better chance of success?


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    #1310
    qo2cj1dsne8y4k
    Closed Accounts Posts: 23,646 ✭✭✭✭qo2cj1dsne8y4k


    Deltaspring wrote: »
    Who said anything about saying no?


    You are misinterpreting me.

    I'm sorry if I am. What did you mean? If they say they're not interested and you're interpreting that as flirting?


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    #1311
    Superhero1993
    Closed Accounts Posts: 126 ✭✭Superhero1993


    Deltaspring wrote: »
    Newsflash,playfully slagging and teasing is part of flirting.

    I did not mention one thing about playfully slagging and teasing. Sure that's what ya want them to do. It more like a blanking or constant one word answers.


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    #1312
    qo2cj1dsne8y4k
    Closed Accounts Posts: 23,646 ✭✭✭✭qo2cj1dsne8y4k


    That misinterpreted flirting thing just ends badly anyway
    "Gwan you're a stuck up cow!"
    "You're not even that good looking anyway!"

    A guy that doesn't take no for an answer rarely takes rejection well


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    #1313
    Legal Action
    Site Banned Posts: 54 ✭✭Legal Action


    Man, I've pretty much given up on relationships and women at this stage. Online or off, nothing ever works for me. People say "looks don't matter" but they do and if you're below average like me then the game was rigged from the start.

    I really don't want to be one of those bitter women hating weirdos but a lifetime of rejection from the opposite sex...well it starts to change your opinion of things.

    Some of us men just weren't meant to be with women. Maybe I should join a monastery or something.


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    #1314
    armaghlad
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,660 ✭✭✭armaghlad


    Legal Action wrote: »
    Some of us men just weren't meant to be with women. Maybe I should join a monastery or something.
    Or lower your standards?


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    #1315
    Legal Action
    Site Banned Posts: 54 ✭✭Legal Action


    armaghlad wrote: »
    Or lower your standards?

    Or just find someone I consider attractive?


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    #1316
    PucaMama
    Registered Users Posts: 3,129 ✭✭✭PucaMama


    Legal Action wrote: »
    Man, I've pretty much given up on relationships and women at this stage. Online or off, nothing ever works for me. People say "looks don't matter" but they do and if you're below average like me then the game was rigged from the start.

    I really don't want to be one of those bitter women hating weirdos but a lifetime of rejection from the opposite sex...well it starts to change your opinion of things.

    Some of us men just weren't meant to be with women. Maybe I should join a monastery or something.

    They are just as free to reject you as you are free to reject women that don't meet your standards. You have to accept that and not get petty about it


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    #1317
    Superhero1993
    Closed Accounts Posts: 126 ✭✭Superhero1993


    LexieOnRale wrote: »
    That misinterpreted flirting thing just ends badly anyway
    "Gwan you're a stuck up cow!"
    "You're not even that good looking anyway!"

    A guy that doesn't take no for an answer rarely takes rejection well

    Excatly, I would never blame a woman for not being interested in me. I simply tip my hat and bid her adieu.


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    #1318
    armaghlad
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,660 ✭✭✭armaghlad


    Legal Action wrote: »
    Or just find someone I consider attractive?
    And so the cycle continues :p


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    #1319
    Legal Action
    Site Banned Posts: 54 ✭✭Legal Action


    PucaMama wrote: »
    They are just as free to reject you as you are free to reject women that don't meet your standards. You have to accept that and not get petty about it

    Ha. I've been rejected by every woman I've been interested in. I suspect if you were rejected by every man you've liked it would be a little difficult to just "deal with it".


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    #1320
    Penny Tration
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    Legal Action wrote: »
    Ha. I've been rejected by every woman I've been interested in. I suspect if you were rejected by every man you've liked it would be a little difficult to just "deal with it".

    If you've been rejected by every woman you've ever approached, there's something going wrong. I dunno if it's your approach, your standards or your looks. I doubt it's your looks though. I know you say you're below average but many, many "below average" people get dates.


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    #1321
    stateofflux
    Registered Users Posts: 1,563 ✭✭✭stateofflux


    Legal Action wrote: »
    Man, I've pretty much given up on relationships and women at this stage. Online or off, nothing ever works for me. People say "looks don't matter" but they do and if you're below average like me then the game was rigged from the start.

    I really don't want to be one of those bitter women hating weirdos but a lifetime of rejection from the opposite sex...well it starts to change your opinion of things.

    Some of us men just weren't meant to be with women. Maybe I should join a monastery or something.

    Bollox. thats low Self opinion talking. noone is better than anyone else. there is no such thing as 'standards'. Get out there, have fun, and dont take anybody seriously. Regret is way worse than rejection.


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