Online dating

Chain Smoker

thattequilagirl wrote: »

Yeah it is funny how the "I don't want anything serious" chat always happens after sex, very rarely before!

I feel like it'd only be healthy to assume that's the case within the span of the first few dates. Viewing sex, devoid of context regarding how long the two have been seeing each other and so on, as some kind of key to something more permanent seems... Dubious.

Penny Tration

Chain Smoker wrote: »

I feel like it'd only be healthy to assume that's the case within the span of the first few dates. Viewing sex, devoid of context regarding how long the two have been seeing each other and so on, as some kind of key to something more permanent seems... Dubious.

Bit of a kick in the vag/balls though.

He doesn't want anything more now we've had sex. oh god, I'm awful in bed. :pac:

endabob1

Penny Tration wrote: »

Bit of a kick in the vag/balls though.

He doesn't want anything more now we've had sex. oh god, I'm awful in bed. :pac:

But he did come back for more, so maybe "I'm great in bed, he just doesn't want to be seen out with me..... I wonder what type of bunny rabbit he has" :eek:

manonboard

Here's something some guys may find interesting/useful from my own experience. I was immature and had the same silly entitlement/self sabotaging/neediness that alot of men have. Was eager to meet someone, which is always a turn off!

I'm a pretty nice person to know, date and have a relationship. I know how i am in a relationship from my past relationships, which although ended, ended for good reasons and on good terms. Lovely people in their own way all of them, we merely stopped be suitable for each other as we grew.

What I have found is alot of guys like me, are lovely etc, but we often lack that "chemistry" feeling that gets invoked people which makes them attracted to someone. It's like being aware of book that is great, but missing the desire to read it. I don't invoke that in alot people. People are culturally/sexually conditioned to find some attitudes/behaviors/looks/aggression/'confidence' sexy. Without these traits, sexual attraction isn't invoked often, especially over something like a website which is largely based on these traits.
If you take it personally, you'll just end up resenting yourself and the women your dealing with, and that comes across.
Play to your strengths and things work better. Your not gonna pull some great looking woman with a great personality off okCupid if your not offering the same back. That includes sexual appeal. People are FAR nicer in person, so play there.
also, drop the attitude of trying to 'get' someone. It's your life, live it and when you meet someone who REALLY clicks with you. They're appropriate. Be sure to flirt and increase sexual attraction with all the usual stuff like teasing etc. Don't do it if its not genuine, because then your just manipulating people and that's poxy.

I'd strongly reassert, that your not a 'nice' guy if you think women ever owe you even an evaluation as a potential mate. They don't. They're on this planet for themselves and if you don't understand that, it's worth educating yourself on it so you don't generate anger and control towards others choosing their own path.

Lyaiera

KomradeBishop wrote: »

Guys are 'disposable' on dating sites, due to the numbers - and have a legitimate reason to feel there is a severe lack of common courtesy (which is nobodies fault - it's purely an issue of numbers).

That's the thing. No-one is disposable. It's not a numbers game. It's a "I don't connect with you for a host of reasons, and that's about me, not you" thing.

I've had someone say I should be thankful he was touching me, and hugging me, and grabbing me because he was only trying to be supportive to me. Like I should be pleased he was being inappropriate because no-one else would do that to me. And wasn't he wonderful for deeming I was worthy to have him touch me. I just told him he overstepped the mark, but it's over now, stop worrying about it. And he kept pressing the issue, and then went off in a huff when I wouldn't entertain it.

The whole.
"I like you."
"Thanks. But I'm not interested."
"**** you, you stuck up bitch."
Is exceedingly common.

Someone messaged me yesterday. I wrote back. I didn't hear from him for an hour and went out for a few drinks. I came back to a string of messages, "Why aren't you talking to me?" "Have I done something wrong?" "We were talking and now you're ignoring me!" That just smacks of entitlement. I'm not here to tell you how to behave, or how to act. I don't want to make you into my perfect man. Either we have something, and I appreciate you, or we don't have anything between us. And that's grand. I hope you find someone who does appreciate you. It's not up to me to tell you how to behave, it's up to you to act appropriately, because that's how you would act. And if we both like each other we'll see how it goes.

Don't blame me when you act like yourself and it's doing nothing for me. You acted how you want, have confidence that that's going to be right for someone, or maybe think about addressing how you do act if that's not working. And don't come running to me demanding I tell you what you should do. I'll do it for close friends, and it'll take a lot of caution and walking a line, but for some random bloke on the internet? Figure it out yourself.

Superhero1993

Ffs guys come on. It was a joke post. I'm frustrated by my lack of dates etc but I would never blame a woman for that. I thought the smiley faces wuda gave it away.

Penny Tration

Superhero1993 wrote: »

Ffs guys come on. It was a joke post. I'm frustrated by my lack of dates etc but I would never blame a woman for that. I thought the smiley faces wuda gave it away.

In fairness, you bemoan women so much in this thread that it's entirely natural to that that post as being serious.

Superhero1993

Penny Tration wrote:

In fairness, you bemoan women so much in this thread that it's entirely natural to that that post as being serious.

I dont bemoan women. And tbh you seem to have it in for me for some reason. I can't count the number of insults you've thrown my way.

Penny Tration

Superhero1993 wrote: »

I dont bemoan women. And tbh you seem to have it in for me for some reason. I can't count the number of insults you've thrown my way.

I haven't insulted you once. If you think I have, report my posts to a mod.

Time for you two to hug it out. Then we'll all have a nice drop of tae and some biscuits

maudgonner

Lyaiera wrote: »

He was all "Yeah, you get it." So I said, "Plenty of other women get it as well." "Yeah, but you're different. You're not a real woman." Gee thanks.

Fúcking hell!

Tell me how

Superhero1993 wrote: »

I dont bemoan women. And tbh you seem to have it in for me for some reason. I can't count the number of insults you've thrown my way.

I hope you don't find this insulting but I did find a theme in your posts of "Poor me" and "It's not my fault".


Regarding the last post I responded to, I'm no prude but it's like well if it was a joke then it wasn't very imaginative and it wasn't funny.


Even in the above quote you are blaming someone else for having it in for you. I think their reaction to you could be constructive in the same way as positive comments which you have received on this thread and no doubt appreciate.

Lyaiera

I fall into the traps people are talking about here just as much as anyone else. I go places, and wonder why they don't see me as attractive, why they don't treat me like they treat other people. I get down about it, have a whinge, and get a bit emo.

This thread, and everything everyone is saying is just as much of a wake up call for me, as it should be for anyone else reading the thread.

If you look at the posts, and see your own behaviour reflected in them you can think two things, "Feck them for saying those things. I'm not really like that. They just don't understand." or "Yeah. I've done that. It's not a good thing. Better sort myself out."

Superhero1993

I'm 22 years old. Have never had a GF. Have kissed 3 women. 3!!! Have been interested in women since I was 13 but despite a lot of effort have had no luck over the last 10 years. Never having a woman that you like fancy you back, the No's when asking a woman out and couple that with a long struggle with mental illness and excuse me for feeling a little annoyed when nearly no women reply to me even though I'm clear I'm not after sex which most women seem to say is what they don't want. I know I've vented but I don't expect to be abused for it. A number had been insulting (Penny Triathlon) while others have been quiet nice and helpful (Persoply, Witchie). Tbh I have enough problems to deal with then to be insulted on here. I'm out.

Lyaiera

maudgonner wrote: »

Fúcking hell!

That made me facepalm alright. I'm not some magical, mythical trans woman who has the ability to divine both male and female behaviour. I haven't been blessed with some glorious insight into both the male and female brain. There's plenty of women thinking these things, but you don't talk to them about this stuff because you see me as a dude, and you're not trying to bed me. You see them as something other, and not as full people in their own right. If you gave them half a chance, opened up about this stuff, and most importantly listened to what they have to say you'd be a lot better off.

Alf Veedersane

What I've learned from this thread is that loads of people use online dating to validate themselves rather than to find someone they click with.

KomradeBishop

Penny Tration wrote: »

I agree with most of your post. Men definitely pulled the short straw with online dating. I think it's fair to say women have it far easier in terms of getting responses and dates.

However, why should anyone give someone a chance after an irrational outburst? Sure, the man/woman may be having difficulty, but why listen to that crap? If I want to vent, I do it to a friend. I wouldn't expect a stranger to listen to it. People use dating sites to get dates, not to listen to vitriol and be an unpaid therapist.

I think people should give consideration to irrational outbursts, because of the way dating sites work - by sheer number disparity in genders - means there is a very severe lack of common courtesy.

You can't expect a woman to reply to every message, as for many it is impractical - yet not replying is still a lack of common courtesy (a completely excusable one though) - feeling there is a lack of common courtesy for a guy, is also completely excusable as a result - and while an outburst which generalizes about women is ultimately destructive, the response to that is more constructive if it gives a little more leeway due to the lack of common courtesy, and avoids judging the person for the outburst - as there is a legitimate grievance about the lack of common courtesy (even if that doesn't justify the outburst).

It's kind of a case, of meet the person in the middle: The outburst isn't justified, but a bit more understanding is warranted given the lack of common courtesy (at risk of repeating the same phrase a lot again there :pac:).

It's a win-win, because it defuses the irrational outburst, while acknowledging a persons frustrations, and helps them see the error in it without judging them - maybe I'm overthinking that, but it seems a better way to approach it.

Lyaiera

Superhero1993 wrote: »

I'm 22 years old. Have never had a GF. Have kissed 3 women. 3!!! Have been interested in women since I was 13 but despite a lot of effort have had no luck over the last 10 years. Never having a woman that you like fancy you back, the No's when asking a woman out and couple that with a long struggle with mental illness and excuse me for feeling a little annoyed when nearly no women reply to me even though I'm clear I'm not after sex which most women seem to say is what they don't want. I know I've vented but I don't expect to be abused for it. A number had been insulting (Penny Triathlon) while others have been quiet nice and helpful (Persoply, Witchie). Tbh I have enough problems to deal with then to be insulted on here. I'm out.

I'm 31. I've never had sex with a man. I've never had a relationship my entire adult life. I've been groped and felt up far more times than I've kissed someone I like. In fact I've never kissed someone I like.

I'm not going to die because of all this. I'm not a worse person. I'm not some weirdo who everyone hates. Things just haven't worked out for me romantically.

I know plenty of women who are in their thirties who have never had a serious relationship, a few of them have never had sex, and even a few of them have never kissed someone. So what? None of us feel like we're owed a relationship, or a man who appreciates us. None of us feel like we're lessor people because of it. It happens, it's far more common than you think. Think positive, don't blame the world for this, don't blame women for this, just like I don't blame men for this. Keep your chin up, look to become a better person and get on with life.

Alf Veedersane

Superhero1993 wrote: »

I'm 22 years old. Have never had a GF. Have kissed 3 women. 3!!! Have been interested in women since I was 13 but despite a lot of effort have had no luck over the last 10 years.

Honestly, I hope the day arrives where you read that and laugh. A lack of luck after 10 years at the age of 22?

I was probably your age when I first saw women's bits....in the dial-up days

You're 22. You'd be surprised how many people your age have had the same level of success as you at your age.

You're beating yourself up over it and looking at it as if it reflects on you. The more you think like that, the more visible it is to other people.

Give yourself a break, enjoy life and your time will come.

Superhero1993

Superhero1993 wrote: »

I'm 22 years old. Have never had a GF. Have kissed 3 women. 3!!! Have been interested in women since I was 13 but despite a lot of effort have had no luck over the last 10 years. Never having a woman that you like fancy you back, the No's when asking a woman out and couple that with a long struggle with mental illness and excuse me for feeling a little annoyed when nearly no women reply to me even though I'm clear I'm not after sex which most women seem to say is what they don't want. I know I've vented but I don't expect to be abused for it. A number had been insulting (Penny Triathlon) while others have been quiet nice and helpful (Persoply, Witchie). Tbh I have enough problems to deal with then to be insulted on here. I'm out.

C'mere to me, I do think you are getting a hard on here. From my perspective I can see your frustration and possible feelings of "what the feck is wrong with me" coming out. But there is a sense of being a victim as well. Nobody has the answers why you are not having any success Superhero. Hell I don't have the answers for myself.

Why is it that the last few men I dated changed their minds because they "weren't feeling it". Well it's definitely nothing got to do with who I am. That's what I keep coming back to. Do not base your opinion of yourself and who you are on whether or not you have success with women.

thattequilagirl

Superhero1993 wrote: »

I'm 22 years old. Have never had a GF. Have kissed 3 women. 3!!! Have been interested in women since I was 13 but despite a lot of effort have had no luck over the last 10 years. Never having a woman that you like fancy you back, the No's when asking a woman out and couple that with a long struggle with mental illness and excuse me for feeling a little annoyed when nearly no women reply to me even though I'm clear I'm not after sex which most women seem to say is what they don't want. I know I've vented but I don't expect to be abused for it. A number had been insulting (Penny Triathlon) while others have been quiet nice and helpful (Persoply, Witchie). Tbh I have enough problems to deal with then to be insulted on here. I'm out.

I think you're putting too much pressure on yourself. As I think a few others have suggested, getting involved in a hobby would be a good idea. And I don't mean as a way to meet women, I just think it would be good for you. Start reading more books, take up hiking, travel if you can, do a cookery class go swimming, draw - whatever interests you.

The more interesting stuff you do, the more interested people will be in you naturally.

Don't compare how you feel on the inside to how others portray themselves on the outside. You probably feel like everyone in the world is having the time of their lives dating and having ALL the sex, but it's probably not the case. Loneliness is pervasive these days, there are others with the same problem.

You're only 22/23 for jaysus sake, you've loads of time.

Tell me how

Superhero1993 wrote: »

I'm 22 years old. Have never had a GF. Have kissed 3 women. 3!!! Have been interested in women since I was 13 but despite a lot of effort have had no luck over the last 10 years. Never having a woman that you like fancy you back, the No's when asking a woman out and couple that with a long struggle with mental illness and excuse me for feeling a little annoyed when nearly no women reply to me even though I'm clear I'm not after sex which most women seem to say is what they don't want. I know I've vented but I don't expect to be abused for it. A number had been insulting (Penny Triathlon) while others have been quiet nice and helpful (Persoply, Witchie). Tbh I have enough problems to deal with then to be insulted on here. I'm out.

Superhero1993. I've thought about writing this. I don't mean to be rude or antagonistic but that you've just said is likely what goes on in your mind whenever you are unsuccessful with women.
If you can understand that the above statement shows that you feel that you are entitled to love, that it is owed to you and that you cannot take criticism then it mightbe a good thing.

Lots of people have mental health issues.
Lots of people have low sexual experience.
It's not all about sex (either having it or not having it).
A different opinion is not necessarily abuse.

I say this as I feel that this is how you react when you are unsuccessful then, particularly in a small rural area, you might become known for this and so may be less appealing to potential partners.

I hope you continue to take part in the thread.

Chain Smoker

Superhero1993 wrote: »

Ffs guys come on. It was a joke post. I'm frustrated by my lack of dates etc but I would never blame a woman for that. I thought the smiley faces wuda gave it away.

I mean, you've deleted your account, but I read the smiley faces as being an attempt to conceal rage so you could fall back on "sure I was only joking!" whether that's so you can lie to yourself or to others, I dunno.

If it was a joke, it wasn't particularly inspired.

Ah Jaysus!!

Hope that young lad is alright.

It's not easy in the dating game. Something I have found is a superiority coming from those who are in relationships towards the rest of us who are single. It's almost as if a special type of wisdom has been bestowed upon them. I remember when I was 17 and one of my "friends" got herself a boyfriend. Suddenly she started to look down her nose at her single friends and the shenanigans we got up to.

I'm in my thirties now and I still experience that attitude.

Chain Smoker

Chain Smoker wrote: »

I mean, you've deleted your account, but I read the smiley faces as being an attempt to conceal rage so you could fall back on "sure I was only joking!" whether that's so you can lie to yourself or to others, I dunno.

If it was a joke, it wasn't particularly inspired.

He has deleted his account so leave him be.

Tell me how

Deleted User wrote: »

Ah Jaysus!!

Hope that young lad is alright.

It's not easy in the dating game. Something I have found is a superiority coming from those who are in relationships towards the rest of us who are single. It's almost as if a special type of wisdom has been bestowed upon them. I remember when I was 17 and one of my "friends" got herself a boyfriend. Suddenly she started to look down her nose at her single friends and the shenanigans we got up to.

I'm in my thirties now and I still experience that attitude.

I'm afraid I do find that I subscribe to that view. I have had no long term relationship and so feel that I do not have the same right to talk about them subjectively than those that are in them or have experienced them.

Sometimes I feel that if dating was like applying for a job that I wouldn't be able to apply for that "job" as I probably wouldn't meet the entry criteria of 3-5 years experience.

Tell me how

Tell me how wrote: »

Sometimes I feel that if dating was like applying for a job that I wouldn't be able to apply for that "job" as I probably wouldn't meet the entry criteria of 3-5 years experience.

I've applied for jobs that I've had no experience in

I do understand your position but not having the experience doesn't mean you have less right to an opinion.

KomradeBishop

Lyaiera wrote: »

That's the thing. No-one is disposable. It's not a numbers game. It's a "I don't connect with you for a host of reasons, and that's about me, not you" thing.

I've had someone say I should be thankful he was touching me, and hugging me, and grabbing me because he was only trying to be supportive to me. Like I should be pleased he was being inappropriate because no-one else would do that to me. And wasn't he wonderful for deeming I was worthy to have him touch me. I just told him he overstepped the mark, but it's over now, stop worrying about it. And he kept pressing the issue, and then went off in a huff when I wouldn't entertain it.

The whole.
"I like you."
"Thanks. But I'm not interested."
"**** you, you stuck up bitch."
Is exceedingly common.

Someone messaged me yesterday. I wrote back. I didn't hear from him for an hour and went out for a few drinks. I came back to a string of messages, "Why aren't you talking to me?" "Have I done something wrong?" "We were talking and now you're ignoring me!" That just smacks of entitlement. I'm not here to tell you how to behave, or how to act. I don't want to make you into my perfect man. Either we have something, and I appreciate you, or we don't have anything between us. And that's grand. I hope you find someone who does appreciate you. It's not up to me to tell you how to behave, it's up to you to act appropriately, because that's how you would act. And if we both like each other we'll see how it goes.

Don't blame me when you act like yourself and it's doing nothing for me. You acted how you want, have confidence that that's going to be right for someone, or maybe think about addressing how you do act if that's not working. And don't come running to me demanding I tell you what you should do. I'll do it for close friends, and it'll take a lot of caution and walking a line, but for some random bloke on the internet? Figure it out yourself.

When I say disposable, what I mean, is that a lot of people are liable to discard you - treat you like a 'disposable' object so to speak - in dating (even after you've been in contact with them a long time - which is particularly annoying/painful); and this applies at least as much to men, as it does to women.

Basic things like a lack of common courtesy, I include with this - I've no problem with someone stating openly, that they aren't interested in further contact - actually, I appreciate that a lot in its openness, and find that very impressive (given it's so rare) - but stuff like 'ghosting' that people have mentioned, or people setting you up for a rejection by gradually cooling-off of you with increasingly critical or pissy behaviour towards you - that kind of stuff is very immature, and comes across as treating people as 'disposable' (in the manner I meant it).

There's a right way to do things - to distance yourself from someone - and there's a way of doing it, which makes someone feel totally discardable.


I understand though, that there are many people out there who become extremely hostile when rejected - I don't defend that kind of stuff (though I think the more minor non-hostile end of this stuff, may deserve some kind of understanding) - what I say, would be more focused on people who don't engage in that kind of stuff.


There is a shít-ton of miscommunication that will happen with online text-based communication unfortunately - even though I wouldn't be prone to it myself, I could see (and have seen) how someone unfamiliar with it, could react in a defensive way, when someone disappears for a while - even though disappearing like that is completely normal and to be expected.

Given that knowledge, I wouldn't be prone to judging that negatively - I try to see things form the other persons point of view, and be diplomatic - but I get how the sheer number of messages, may make someone less prone to this.
I haven't experienced things, from the point of view of a female dating site user of course, so wouldn't know the best way to manage that - but I see more than a few ways, that miscommunications can happen here, on a regular basis.

maudgonner

KomradeBishop wrote: »

I think people should give consideration to irrational outbursts, because of the way dating sites work - by sheer number disparity in genders - means there is a very severe lack of common courtesy.

You can't expect a woman to reply to every message, as for many it is impractical - yet not replying is still a lack of common courtesy (a completely excusable one though) - feeling there is a lack of common courtesy for a guy, is also completely excusable as a result - and while an outburst which generalizes about women is ultimately destructive, the response to that is more constructive if it gives a little more leeway due to the lack of common courtesy, and avoids judging the person for the outburst - as there is a legitimate grievance about the lack of common courtesy (even if that doesn't justify the outburst).

It's kind of a case, of meet the person in the middle: The outburst isn't justified, but a bit more understanding is warranted given the lack of common courtesy (at risk of repeating the same phrase a lot again there :pac:).

You seem to think that women are the only ones not replying to opening messages. I can assure you that's not the case. I send out a good few initial messages and don't hear a word back at least 50% of the time, at a rough guess. I accept that many guys will have a far lower reply rate than that, but still.

If I don't hear back from someone, that's fine. They might not like the way I look, they might not like something I've written in my profile. no worries.

What do you think would be gained by someone responding to a message if they don't want to take it any further? I think it would be a waste of time at best, and possibly get someones hopes up unfairly. What do you think the message should consist of? A simple 'Hi, how's it going' back, or 'Sorry, you're not my type, but good luck anyway'? The first is possibly misleading. The second really doesn't achieve anything more than sending no message at all, and would possibly be seen as insulting.

In my early days on internet dating I was much more inclined to respond to all messages I received. But these days I'm less likely to do it.

ETA: Posted before I saw your message above. The point remains - it's not just women treating men poorly, plenty of men don't respond to messages either, and there's nothing wrong with that.

The Backwards Man

Yous scared away my turf footer!


Bleedin' women