Online dating

PandaX9

Superhero1993 wrote: »

I'm 22 years old. Have never had a GF. Have kissed 3 women. 3!!! Have been interested in women since I was 13 but despite a lot of effort have had no luck over the last 10 years. Never having a woman that you like fancy you back, the No's when asking a woman out and couple that with a long struggle with mental illness and excuse me for feeling a little annoyed when nearly no women reply to me even though I'm clear I'm not after sex which most women seem to say is what they don't want.

Despite the now "closed account" sign, I think if you happen to read this you should take this opportunity to look inwards.

You seem to be looking for companionship. Given the fact that you brought up mental health struggles yourself, I would assume it is fair to say that perhaps you are lonely. But getting a girlfriend is not a universal panacea and I seriously doubt that it would instantly cure you of all your insecurities and sources of unhappiness. If it does, well then what to perceive to be problems may be shallower than what others perceive..

The above is all truly good and understandable, however, the statistical breakdown of your frustration reads as entitled. For example, the statement "3!!!" - who dictates how many women you should have kissed in your lifespan? To me, is a very arbitrary fixation because the quantity does not dictate the quality of those interactions. Ok, maybe you feel like you've only kissed these girls how many times and it all felt lousy? What makes you think that having kissed 200 girls will automatically shift the equilibrium curve to the side of "more kisses - better kisses statistically"? (Sorry I'm currently studying graphs and it's all I can think about when giving examples..) like I said, perhaps look inwardly at your attitude to that.

I've kissed a lot more people in my lifetime that I can remember but that doesn't mean that any of it was any more or less meaningful that your experiences: for example, and this is such so cringy I can't believe I'm going to publicly post it - when we were 13/14 years old, my friends and I used to have competitions at the local disco at who could score the most people. It didn't matter for how long, or who they were (within reason); as long as there was a mutual attraction there. One of my friends at the time kissed over 31 lads in one night (and simultaneously contributed to the spread of glandular fever amongst a number of schools :pac:...). We were children, obviously not something we would ever do now because using (even willing) participants is gross and disrespectful - in case anyone tries to skew this example .

The point is that by your logic of tallying the ratio of age:kisses of 22:3 and 13:31 she had somehow enjoyed a much richer and happier romantic life than you just on the basis of the above.. Even though the kisses lasted for sod all and have nearly all been forgotten. Sorry about the tangential nature of this example but I hope it still makes sense to what is in my head: quality and quantity can occasionally be mutually exclusive events.

But apart of from the numbers thing.. It just sounds entitled. As though someone else is directly responsible for what you perceive to be a relative lack of success. I'm not saying that you're at fault for not having kissed more people or having had a girlfriend - but you're placing far more significance on this than I would think healthy and it almost sounds as though others are to blame in your eyes.

People are different. Just because you fancy the pants off someone does not mean that they HAVE to like you back nor does it mean that they are "stuck up bitches" if they don't like you. When I first met one of my closest friends; he was akin to Captain Jack Sparrow in my eyes in regards to sex appeal. He too thought I was physically attractive, but I lived too far away to fit into his ideals of attractiveness. So he didn't want to pine after someone who lived relatively far away (oh the sweet irony that's he's in a long distance relationship again) and I was never frustrated at him - only the circumstances. Neither of us put each other on a pedestal, we quickly established a friendship and no one is resentful of each other because neither of us is responsible for this. Attraction is not as black and white as you perhaps see it.


Edit: to make a long post even longer, just saw Perspoly's post about leaving things be. Feel like I should perhaps delete the above but my advice and viewpoint still stand and perhaps they can be applied to anyone else who stumbles upon it. I'm sure the addressé is fine, his frustration just came to a head in a rather subjective manner and led to what I think is very clouded judgement. All the same, hope he feels better about it.

Tigger99

I've heard it all now KomradeBishop, no response is a lack of common courtesy? I've heard from men (and women) that a thanks but no thanks message is worse than no message as it momentarily gets the receiver's hopes up when they see that they have gotten a message back.

Also don't know what it's like as a man but as I woman when I originally started online dating and responded to most messages I got a lot of abuse for replying to say thanks but no thanks (obviously I'm paraphrasing).

maudgonner

The Backwards Man wrote: »

Yous scared away my turf footer!


Bleedin' women

Typical man. The minute they think a woman is getting uppity at all, they assume she has PMS!

KomradeBishop

Deleted User wrote: »

Ah Jaysus!!

Hope that young lad is alright.

It's not easy in the dating game. Something I have found is a superiority coming from those who are in relationships towards the rest of us who are single. It's almost as if a special type of wisdom has been bestowed upon them. I remember when I was 17 and one of my "friends" got herself a boyfriend. Suddenly she started to look down her nose at her single friends and the shenanigans we got up to.

I'm in my thirties now and I still experience that attitude.

Ya that's a good point - ironically, I have found that some people who enter into relationships, start to distance from single friends - which is a pity, as in a way, it kind of shows a very superficial attitude to their friendships.

Alf Veedersane

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Ah Jaysus!!

Hope that young lad is alright.

It's not easy in the dating game. Something I have found is a superiority coming from those who are in relationships towards the rest of us who are single. It's almost as if a special type of wisdom has been bestowed upon them. I remember when I was 17 and one of my "friends" got herself a boyfriend. Suddenly she started to look down her nose at her single friends and the shenanigans we got up to.

I'm in my thirties now and I still experience that attitude.

To be fair, I think (based on my own experience) that when you're younger you do think it's a reflection on yourself if you don't have a great record with finding someone. I know I did.

It always amuses me when people start going out with someone and suddenly they're the Oracle

Chain Smoker

Tigger99 wrote: »

I've heard it all now KomradeBishop, no response is a lack of common courtesy? I've heard from men (and women) that a thanks but no thanks message is worse than no message as it momentarily gets the receiver's hopes up when they see that they have gotten a message back.

Also don't know what it's like as a man but as I woman when I originally started online dating and responded to most messages I got a lot of abuse for replying to say thanks but no thanks (obviously I'm paraphrasing).

I think I received one of those messages ever. I didn't reply to it but my reaction was wholly hostile. It might be because it's even more direct than most rejections one will receive in person (ie a mortified face and hastily constructed excuse).
If that's how i reacted though, I'd strongly recommend against replying, you're just opening yourself to abuse

4zn76tysfajdxp

Online dating is grand if you can't talk to people in real life, I suppose. My friend David tells me it's "cheaper than hiring a prostitute" as well so it has that going for it too.

PandaX9

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Ah Jaysus!!

Hope that young lad is alright.

It's not easy in the dating game. Something I have found is a superiority coming from those who are in relationships towards the rest of us who are single. It's almost as if a special type of wisdom has been bestowed upon them. I remember when I was 17 and one of my "friends" got herself a boyfriend. Suddenly she started to look down her nose at her single friends and the shenanigans we got up to.

I'm in my thirties now and I still experience that attitude.

In my experience, when people suddenly or suddenly-enough noticeable change their outlook and interactions with other people just because they now "officially" have a significant other - I find that these people have insecurities and tend to see the relationship as some ****ed up elevation in their social standing. It is a very immature behaviour and very childish.

Mary and Jane are best friends and do X Y and Z together. Mary meets Bob and does X and occasionally Z with him. But in Mary and Bob's eyes, Jane is now sad/pathetic/needs to "grow up" for continuing to do X Y and Z. Mary is a dickhead.

I also found that many people who exhibit the above mentalities tend to have a fear of being single and can't go more than a few minutes between breaking up with a lover and getting into a serious relationship with another. Obviously this says nothing about how genuine these quick-succession relationships are - they could all burn with the fiery passion of 1000 suns or be relative yawns - but it makes me wonder..

Tigger99

Dimitri Silly Summer wrote: »

Online dating is grand if you can't talk to people in real life, I suppose. My friend David tells me it's "cheaper than hiring a prostitute" as well so it has that going for it too.

Ahahahahahaha

CaraMay

I met a cop turned pilot online and had a relationship with him. He turned out to be the biggest liar in the world and shouldn't be in charge of a gun never mind a plane. Clever but deceptive nut job.

PandaX9

PandaX9 wrote: »

Despite the now "closed account" sign, I think if you happen to read this you should take this opportunity to look inwards.

You seem to be looking for companionship. Given the fact that you brought up mental health struggles yourself, I would assume it is fair to say that perhaps you are lonely. But getting a girlfriend is not a universal panacea and I seriously doubt that it would instantly cure you of all your insecurities and sources of unhappiness. If it does, well then what to perceive to be problems may be shallower than what others perceive..


Edit: to make a long post even longer, just saw Perspoly's post about leaving things be. Feel like I should perhaps delete the above but my advice and viewpoint still stand and perhaps they can be applied to anyone else who stumbles upon it. I'm sure the addressé is fine, his frustration just came to a head in a rather subjective manner and led to what I think is very clouded judgement. All the same, hope he feels better about it.

Only because he is no longer here to respond.
We must never forget the power our anonymous posts can have on a person.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Yeah I know the phrase other half is used a lot but honestly, you need to be the two halves yourself. When you drop your friends for a relationship, or if it becomes acceptable to spend every free moment you have together, you need to take a step back. Hear me, dear Deirdre here. I wouldn't mind but if the luckiest man and I finished, I'm actually undateable, so take all with a pinch of salt

KomradeBishop

maudgonner wrote: »

You seem to think that women are the only ones not replying to opening messages. I can assure you that's not the case. I send out a good few initial messages and don't hear a word back at least 50% of the time, at a rough guess. I accept that many guys will have a far lower reply rate than that, but still.

If I don't hear back from someone, that's fine. They might not like the way I look, they might not like something I've written in my profile. no worries.

What do you think would be gained by someone responding to a message if they don't want to take it any further? I think it would be a waste of time at best, and possibly get someones hopes up unfairly. What do you think the message should consist of? A simple 'Hi, how's it going' back, or 'Sorry, you're not my type, but good luck anyway'? The first is possibly misleading. The second really doesn't achieve anything more than sending no message at all, and would possibly be seen as insulting.

In my early days on internet dating I was much more inclined to respond to all messages I received. But these days I'm less likely to do it.

ETA: Posted before I saw your message above. The point remains - it's not just women treating men poorly, plenty of men don't respond to messages either, and there's nothing wrong with that.

I don't assume that at all, no - and believe me, a 50% reply rate is exceptionally good - you'd be hard pressed to find any guy (no matter how good looking, or how well they come across - profile or messages), with that kind of reply rate.

I don't think people should feel obliged to reply (if you want to though, a basic comment showing appreciation for the message, but a lack of interest, is perfectly polite and appreciable - but not mandatory in any way) - I mainly think some level of understanding/tact is in order, when a guy has a minor outburst, because these sites really are extremely impersonal and lead to people treating guys as disposable (even after you've gotten chatting with someone for a long time, unfortunately...), so while no user deserves an outburst as a response, it's more constructive to consider the reasons why someone may be prone to giving such a response.

It might feel a waste of time to you, but for the other person, it might feel that - even though they've spewed out an irrational response - other people aren't intentionally treating them as 'disposable', and they are just misreading things.

I don't think such standards should apply to any gender either - I think it should go both ways.

It's unfortunate, but sheer numbers leads to such sites being this way - I can see both sides of it fairly well.

maudgonner

LexieOnRale wrote: »

I wouldn't mind but the luckiest man and I finished, I'm actually undateable, so take all with a pinch of salt

The above is how I read your post, and I nearly had heart failure! Really need to learn not to skim posts, just because I'm about to head out the door.

You're never allowed to break up with him Lexie, you give us hope in a cruel world!

PirateShampoo

Personally I'd rather get no message than a reply saying thanks but no thanks, or one word replies which makes you wonder why they are even bothering.

It doesn't bother me getting no replies, I'm not everybody's type. I think it's a numbers game at the end of the day. You need to keep casting that line and you will get conversations going and you take it from there.

Only time I'll go out the way and not use a copy and paste opener is if it's someone I would really fancy with similar interests, but then again 99% of the time they don't reply so I just stick to cut and paste and get the ball rolling once in conversation.

The Backwards Man

CaraMay wrote: »

I met a cop turned pilot online and had a relationship with him. He turned out to be the biggest liar in the world and shouldn't be in charge of a gun never mind a plane. Clever but deceptive nut job.

Wasn't that a plotline in Corrie?

PandaX9

PirateShampoo wrote: »

Only time I'll go out the way and not use a copy and paste opener is if it's someone I would really fancy with similar interests, but then again 99% of the time they don't reply so I just stick to cut and paste and get the ball rolling once in conversation.

On the flip side of this reasoning, I have found that people seem to be much more likely to respond if the message they receive is personalised. If someone sends me a message based on my profile or asking insightful questions about a photo, I'll be much more reciprocative to the idea of messaging them back over the standard "Hi, how are you?". Not that I ignore someone by default if they only send me "hi, how are you?" or something that is clearly copy and pasted - but I like it when it feels like people personalised their interaction with me.

But then again people could see the above and think, "fook that - she's high maintenance" :rolleyes: :pac:

KomradeBishop

Tigger99 wrote: »

I've heard it all now KomradeBishop, no response is a lack of common courtesy? I've heard from men (and women) that a thanks but no thanks message is worse than no message as it momentarily gets the receiver's hopes up when they see that they have gotten a message back.

Also don't know what it's like as a man but as I woman when I originally started online dating and responded to most messages I got a lot of abuse for replying to say thanks but no thanks (obviously I'm paraphrasing).

It depends, but lets say a lot of effort has been put into a message - it's pretty regular for that to go unreplied to - so yes there's a lack of common-courtesy/acknowledgment in online dating - at the same time though, there is no obligation to reply to someone you do not know, especially when you may be dealing with dozens of messages.

It's crap in a way, but it's also understandable as an issue in practicality: You can't blame someone who receives a ton of messages, for not replying to them all.

That doesn't change the impersonal nature of it all though - that's nobodies fault in the end, but it is very impersonal, and (especially if you've been chatting with someone a long time and it cuts off) it makes you feel very 'discardable' - like (in the case of chatting a long time) the behaviour is somewhat uncivil.

Online dating, due to its nature, normalizes this behaviour though - you can be chatting to a person a long time, and they can freeze you off, as if there is nothing socially amiss with that - even if there is a valid argument, that this isn't very nice behaviour towards someone.


None of this excuses abusive messages though - there is some room for understanding on the lesser-end of upset messages, but for outright abuse, not so.

maudgonner

Deleted User wrote: »

Only because he is no longer here to respond.
We must never forget the power our anonymous posts can have on a person.

I hope SuperHero comes back. On this thread we're all in the same boat, to a degree, and it's nice to be able to share experience and get/get feedback. Sometimes that might come across as criticism, but I don't think it's meant that way.

Sure none of us are experts in dating, there's no such thing (despite what some of those Pickup Merchants claim, sleazy creeps!). We can only say what we think and have experienced, and try to give an outsiders perspective. I know I've changed my mind on a few things thanks to this thread.

So it would be nice if he came back, it was really interesting to see what a young guy goes through on these sites, and he was great to join in the fun over the last few days/weeks.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

maudgonner wrote: »

The above is how I read your post, and I nearly had heart failure! Really need to learn not to skim posts, just because I'm about to head out the door.

You're never allowed to break up with him Lexie, you give us hope in a cruel world!

Don't worry. My love for him is like a candle.



If he leaves me unattended I will burn his house down



(I am joking I swear)

Ignatius in bloom

Jaysis a lot of complaining going on in this thread!!

fin12

Tell me how wrote: »

Superhero1993. I've thought about writing this. I don't mean to be rude or antagonistic but that you've just said is likely what goes on in your mind whenever you are unsuccessful with women.
If you can understand that the above statement shows that you feel that you are entitled to love, that it is owed to you and that you cannot take criticism then it mightbe a good thing.

Lots of people have mental health issues.
Lots of people have low sexual experience.
It's not all about sex (either having it or not having it).
A different opinion is not necessarily abuse.

I say this as I feel that this is how you react when you are unsuccessful then, particularly in a small rural area, you might become known for this and so may be less appealing to potential partners.

I hope you continue to take part in the thread.

I don't think he feels at all that he is Entitled to love, he just wants love like most people and it will come to him, personally I think he should forget about online dating and do it face to face.

fin12

fin12 wrote: »

I don't think he feels at all that he is Entitled to love, he just wants love like most people and it will come to him, personally I think he should forget about online dating and do it face to face.

I agree. In fact I think we should all do it in the real world. Unfortunately it's not that simple. Especially if you are a shy young man who hasn't had much luck.

PirateShampoo

PandaX9 wrote: »

On the flip side of this reasoning, I have found that people seem to be much more likely to respond if the message they receive is personalised. If someone sends me a message based on my profile or asking insightful questions about a photo, I'll be much more reciprocative to the idea of messaging them back over the standard "Hi, how are you?". Not that I ignore someone by default if they only send me "hi, how are you?" or something that is clearly copy and pasted - but I like it when it feels like people personalised their interaction with me.

But then again people could see the above and think, "fook that - she's high maintenance" :rolleyes: :pac:

I would use more than "Hi, how are you" i know what i'm doing is lazy, but i put a little effort in.

I understand what your saying, but if i wrote personal messages for everyone i would only send a couple at a time and i would be on here having a breakdown like the other fella because of a lack of replys.

Ignatius in bloom

Ignatius in bloom wrote: »

Jaysis a lot of complaining going on in this thread!!

All talk and no action, Iggy.

tomwaterford

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Especially if you are a shy young man who hasn't had much luck.

I know that feeling

But look it...ya just make life too busy to care on it

fin12

Join a macra club, there has to be some in Donegal.

Chain Smoker

fin12 wrote: »

I don't think he feels at all that he is Entitled to love, he just wants love like most people and it will come to him, personally I think he should forget about online dating and do it face to face.

If he's in a small rural area, hasn't much of a social network (i.e. loneliness is probably a big motivator in his frustrations), and has the freedom to do it, he should just get out of there. You can develop a kind of stigma in those kind of places if you're a bit of an outlier and haven't got friends, stupid s*** from school can follow you really easily, etc.
Online dating is a total waste of time in a rural area, the population isn't there for it and you'll be dealing with areas more reticent regarding those kind of things anyway.

Saying stuff like "it will come to him" is all nice and everything, but if your situation's s***, your situation's s***. It can, however, be improved.

gsi300024v

Dating is like most things we generally get better at it with practice.
I do think the more happy or sorted in our own heads the more we will attract similar.

fin12

Chain Smoker wrote: »

If he's in a small rural area, hasn't much of a social network (i.e. loneliness is probably a big motivator in his frustrations), and has the freedom to do it, he should just get out of there. You can develop a kind of stigma in those kind of places if you're a bit of an outlier and haven't got friends, stupid s*** from school can follow you really easily, etc.
Online dating is a total waste of time in a rural area, the population isn't there for it and you'll be dealing with areas more reticent regarding those kind of things anyway.

Saying stuff like "it will come to him" is all nice and everything, but if your situation's s***, your situation's s***. It can, however, be improved.

But I was like him saying I'd never get a boyfriend and then got my first boyfriend at 22. Even though I'm back to saying il never find someone again haha it's actually a head wreck the whole thing.