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Deleted User wrote: »My ex ended our relationship because he couldn't handle it when things got real. I was going through a difficult time and he bailed. All the fancy words and plans and and even the I love yous amounted to nothing when it came down to it.
I don't think I could be mature enough to handle a difficult time, or to inflict myself on another person, so it would be extremely unfair to "be there" with all the I love you and all these plans and then to bail on them.
For me I think its best in my case to just not bother.
Christ me and Tom are awful pessimists - I would say made for each other but maybe not!0 -
I don't think I could be mature enough to handle a difficult time, or to inflict myself on another person, so it would be extremely unfair to "be there" with all the I love you and all these plans and then to bail on them.
For me I think its best in my case to just not bother.
Christ me and Tom are awful pessimists - I would say made for each other but maybe not!
You mean if the person you loved was going through a rough time you don't think you could be there for them?
Then it would follow that there would be nobody there for you.0 -
Deleted User wrote: »You mean if the person you loved was going through a rough time you don't think you could be there for them?
Then it would follow that there would be nobody there for you.
Exactly.0 -
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LexieOnRale wrote:..... I have no doubt we'll break up and fight and hate each other lots of times before either of us die, but I genuinely could never see myself with anyone else because love is not always positive, or pretty, but it's always consistent.
See, it works for you, and your guy so that is fantastic but, personally, I don't feel that I could say both "I've no doubt we'll break up and fight loads of times" and "could never see myself with anyone else" in the same sentence and feel ok with that. It just wouldn't be me.
Of course, I'm certainly no benchmark.0 -
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Deleted User wrote: »Do you not find that outcome to be very sad and unnecessary?
It is, but thats what life is. Sad and unnecessary.0 -
failinis wrote:It is, but thats what life is. Sad and unnecessary.
Come on now. It's not that bad. I bet you saw something beautiful today that made you feel good even subconsciously for at least a second.0 -
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I don't think I could be mature enough to handle a difficult time, or to inflict myself on another person, so it would be extremely unfair to "be there" with all the I love you and all these plans and then to bail on them.
For me I think its best in my case to just not bother.
Christ me and Tom are awful pessimists - I would say made for each other but maybe not!
I don't know you F, but I know Tom and let me tell you, whoever ends up with him will win the boyfriend lottery. He's pretty much the nicest sweetest guy in the world, and despite his protests, I'm pretty sure when he meets someone good enough for him (and he deserves only the best), he'll change his mind. I don't mean that to sound condescending, and I'm not good with words but I don't think he'd be the type to ever cheat, therefore debunking his own theory.
I do think he (and maybe you) need to learn how great you are as a person by yourself and how lucky any potential partner would be to have you, nobody is perfect, people hurt other people, people lash out at those closest to them, but you deserve more than just settling or thinking you're never going to be loved. That's only true if you want it to be true.
I really do hope things work out and you are happy with life whether that's being on your own or in a relationship0 -
It is, but thats what life is. Sad and unnecessary.
I've felt like this many times in my life. I've also felt joy and love. By all social norms and standards I really shouldn't be happy right now considering my recent situations.
But there is a little bit of joy in my life right now and it happened purely by accident. THAT is what life is. It's unpredictable, it's surprising.
Pain is unavoidable in life. So is joy. Just take one day at a time, the future is coming anyway no matter how you try to mould it in the present.0 -
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Thanks for everyone's honest feelings and thoughts in this thread. Its really good to read and learn about other peoples inner voices on these topics. Very real and raw.
I understand why some people feel so cynical about relationships. Most of what they say are true for most people, from my perception of them, most of the time.
I was feeling like this too. I changed it over years of learning and improving my relationship/happiness skills/understanding.
To focus on my happiness. To be selfishly giving myself pleasure in non addictive or possessive forms. To learn to let go of things so that 'bad' events can pass quickly. To enjoy moments as full as i can so they may be fully experienced. To alter my thoughts to see things without judgement as much as i can. To not worry or stress.
Mostly, to learn to do the only thing that i find provides peace and serenity in life. As corny as it sounds, that is to love all things as they are, unconditionally. A practice which will take a life time to master but that's exactly what we have to give.
To do otherwise, is simply to reject parts of life and gather suffering to ourselves.
I hope others who feel they cant find happiness in relationships keep looking to improve their own relationship with themselves. Oddly enough, to stop thinking it needs improving, and simply enjoy the process of it instead.
*In life, I tried to kill myself twice and spent 1/3 of my life severely depressed. It can be hard at times, luckily those times pass and if we learn to learn rather than learn to feel right, we can help those times pass quicker.0 -
[Deleted User] wrote: »You mean if the person you loved was going through a rough time you don't think you could be there for them?
Then it would follow that there would be nobody there for you.
I've no bother being there for people...Jesus I've helped and been there for some of the worst things to happen friends both male and female...(private real life sh1te id never post about)
But the taughts of ever having to have someone there for me/not being to handle/get through a situation on me own and relying on anyone else makes my blood run cold
For want of a better phrase I'd expect to be let down (id not do it...but wouldn't rely on anyone like....god that reads bad)0 -
tomwaterford wrote: »I've no bother being there for people...Jesus I've helped and been there for some of the worst things to happen friends both male and female...(private real life sh1te id never post about)
But the taughts of ever having to have someone there for me/not being to handle/get through a situation on me own and relying on anyone else makes my blood run cold
For want of a better phrase I'd expect to be let down (id not do it...but wouldn't rely on anyone like....god that reads bad)
I totally get that Tom. What I'm talking about isn't being dependent upon someone. It's more about being a team and letting the person you love support you through the tough times and vice versa.0 -
FortySeven wrote: »But there is a little bit of joy in my life right now and it happened purely by accident. THAT is what life is. It's unpredictable, it's surprising.
Good to hear, FortySeven. It always gives me happiness personally and in my work when anybody who has faced adversity gets a little boost.0 -
tomwaterford wrote: »I've no bother being there for people...Jesus I've helped and been there for some of the worst things to happen friends both male and female...(private real life sh1te id never post about)
But the taughts of ever having to have someone there for me/not being to handle/get through a situation on me own and relying on anyone else makes my blood run cold
For want of a better phrase I'd expect to be let down (id not do it...but wouldn't rely on anyone like....god that reads bad)
I think it's always good to be self supporting. You'd be surprised at how strong you are when you need to be. And how your body will actually protect you from very traumatic events, almost like your body knows what you can deal with and will put you into auto pilot when you are so traumatised you can't cope.
I'm sure if people look back on certain things in their lives, they'll think Jesus how did I ever get through that? Certainly I know I look back on some stuff, and how calm I was and how organised I was and how everyone around me was surprised how alright I was. I do think your body actually stuns you, for want of a better word. And you WILL cope with whatever it is, if you have to.
I wouldn't be getting bogged down with you needing another person. You don't. Even if you're with someone, you'll still cope by yourself if you want to, or don't want to let anyone else in.
What is comforting though that if you can't sleep in the middle of the night, and you're tossing and turning, that someone's there not even to talk to you, but just to hold your hand. They might not even be awake, they don't have to be, but you know if you need them, if you need to talk, or need someone to rap afroman Colt 45 to you to distract you from whatever it is on your mind, you can dig them in the ribs and wake them up.
My favourite animal ever are elephants. I'm obsessed. When I'm sad, like really sad, I'll put on the heffalump movie. It cheers me up no end. It's simple, and sweet, and God how could lumpy not make you happy. Often we've sat up in the middle of the night watching it because I can't sleep, and if I can't sleep, then he doesn't get any sleep either. No talking. No discussing. Just watching movies.
It's late, I'm rambling and I am losing my train of though like mad but someone being there for you doesn't always mean someone to carry you. You'll carry yourself, when you have no choice. No doubt about it. It could be as simple as someone answering the phone in the middle of the night and telling you about a time they got caught masturbating or having sex somewhere inappropriate to take your mind off something else. And you don't have to be banging them either. It could be a friend, or an ex, or anyone at all.
It's like alloys on a new car. You are the new car. Support is the fancy wheels0 -
Deleted User wrote: »Jaysus.
You mustn't think like that. Right now all I want to do is curl up beside someone and talk about books and films while he twirls my hair around his finger. That's in my future.
It's also in yours.[/QUOTE
I worry that it is not in mine. That I have blown it. Thrown away good relationships over romantic notions or reasons I felt were insurmountable and now there is no one left to love me. I have been through my quota.
What you described is all I really want. To feel loved and secure and relaxed with a hot 6'4 black guy.....um eh I mean anyone.
It's just not gonna happen.LexieOnRale wrote: »I think it's always good to be self supporting. You'd be surprised at how strong you are when you need to be. And how your body will actually protect you from very traumatic events, almost like your body knows what you can deal with and will put you into auto pilot when you are so traumatised you can't cope.
I'm sure if people look back on certain things in their lives, they'll think Jesus how did I ever get through that? Certainly I know I look back on some stuff, and how calm I was and how organised I was and how everyone around me was surprised how alright I was. I do think your body actually stuns you, for want of a better word. And you WILL cope with whatever it is, if you have to.
I wouldn't be getting bogged down with you needing another person. You don't. Even if you're with someone, you'll still cope by yourself if you want to, or don't want to let anyone else in.
What is comforting though that if you can't sleep in the middle of the night, and you're tossing and turning, that someone's there not even to talk to you, but just to hold your hand. They might not even be awake, they don't have to be, but you know if you need them, if you need to talk, or need someone to rap afroman Colt 45 to you to distract you from whatever it is on your mind, you can dig them in the ribs and wake them up.
My favourite animal ever are elephants. I'm obsessed. When I'm sad, like really sad, I'll put on the heffalump movie. It cheers me up no end. It's simple, and sweet, and God how could lumpy not make you happy. Often we've sat up in the middle of the night watching it because I can't sleep, and if I can't sleep, then he doesn't get any sleep either. No talking. No discussing. Just watching movies.
It's late, I'm rambling and I am losing my train of though like mad but someone being there for you doesn't always mean someone to carry you. You'll carry yourself, when you have no choice. No doubt about it. It could be as simple as someone answering the phone in the middle of the night and telling you about a time they got caught masturbating or having sex somewhere inappropriate to take your mind off something else. And you don't have to be banging them either. It could be a friend, or an ex, or anyone at all.
It's like alloys on a new car. You are the new car. Support is the fancy wheels
I am the strongest person you will meet. I have been kicked and battered emotionally, assaulted physically and sexually many times, have raised my babies to be strong independent young men, held my family together and rescued a family member from the brink of drugs , death and homelessness with very little help or support.
I could conquer the world if I put my mind to it and I have no fear.... except the fear of being unloved by that person who is just mine.
When my family was falling apart last year and I was trying to work, complete my degree and had been assaulted by an ex all at the same time the hardest thing for me was not having someone hold me while I cried and just reassure me it will be ok.
I am independent and strong but still need someone to be there. I look at my parents and siblings who I am bringing safely through our nightmare and feel a lesser human coz they have someone who loves them that they can turn to. I don't.
I give up on it, then some fooker gives me hope only to disappear. And no I am not acting desperate or clingy with them, I am cool and relaxed since my last heartbreak coz am partly resigned to never having love and am just being breezy and fun, yet I still lose.
It's really really tough and when you are in your 40s it seems impossible.0 -
It seems I'm not the only one burning the midnight oil tonight.
Witchie I was very close to a group of girls when I was in my twenties. Every one of them is now married with a family. None of them have known the heartache of numerous failed relationships, the disappointment, hurt, anger. Sometimes I think about them and I wonder what sets them apart from me. I too would like a partner and maybe a little Persepoly.
I'm torn between it being luck or something more. When the same thing keeps happening we need to look at ourselves. I'll use myself as an example. I have a history of sabotaging relationships because I'm terrified of loss. Another thing I've done is be attracted to men who were emotionally unavailable. That way there was no hope of a real connection forming and therefore no real loss.
Those behaviors were unconscious and it took me a while to figure it out. When the same pattern keeps repeating itself we need to look at what we are doing. From your posts here you seem like a lovely woman. Intelligent, warm, and funny. Ask yourself are you doing anything to keep yourself single. To avoid love and closeness because the risk is too great.0 -
If you're constantly hurt and let down and disappointed then it's completely understandable you'd be wary or skeptical of relationships progressing.
I am curious about the guy in the states, would that be enough for you W? It's one thing making long distance work when it's a car journey away but to invest a lot of time and energy into something with someone not even the same timezone... Is that what you want? Would that be enough? Although I know you mentioned you're going to travel so maybe it's a non issue. You don't have to answer btw, I don't mean to pry.0 -
LexieOnRale wrote: »If you're constantly hurt and let down and disappointed. it's completely understandable you'd be wary or skeptical of relationships progressing.
This is absolutely true. For me anyway. What I am curious about is if there is something happening on an unconscious level where some of us get involved with people who can't give us what we want.0 -
Deleted User wrote:Witchie I was very close to a group of girls when I was in my twenties. Every one of them is now married with a family. None of them have known the heartache of numerous failed relationships, the disappointment, hurt, anger. Sometimes I think about them and I wonder what sets them apart from me. I too would like a partner and maybe a little Persepoly.Deleted User wrote:I'm torn between it being luck or something more. When the same thing keeps happening we need to look at ourselves.Deleted User wrote:When the same pattern keeps repeating itself we need to look at what we are doing.
IMO it's very mature and reflective to be able to consider the above. The thing I do like about your post P is even though you are looking inwardly, you don't seem to have the opinions that it's your "fault" or that you've done something wrong. It's like you're considering tweaking your thought process than questioning it entirely.Deleted User wrote:This is absolutely true. For me anyway. What I am curious about is if there is something happening on an unconscious level where some of us get involved with people who can't give us what we want.
It's the Dark Matter element of a relationship, our subconscious input. I agree 100% that there is something which we do, think, on a subconscious level which ultimately contributes/drives our relationship experiences. The laughable thing is that we think about it so much that it seems wrong to call it "subconscious".
So, how do you identify and change that about yourself for the better without fundamentally changing who you are? Answers on a postcard please.0 -
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LexieOnRale wrote: ». My best friend BEGGING me to stop partying, to stay away from luckiest man, to book a flight and just leave to get away from him. Get away from the party house.
And I'm glad I can't. I have no doubt we'll break up and fight and hate each other lots of times before either of us die, but I genuinely could never see myself with anyone else.
No offense lexie, but that sounds like my idea of an awful relationship! If I ever thought I was with someone that we would fight & break up lots of times, I think I'd be breaking up for good.
Pretty sure I'd find a relationship like that damaging to my mental health.
As well as that if my best friend was giving me advice to stay away from a guy, I'd certainly want to know why, & I have to say I would trust her judgement, but maybe we are older than you & friends for 30 yrs, so probably know each very well.0 -
Tell me how wrote: »But that's the thing. If you end up with someone who you get on with, are somebit attracted to and they're not an a**hole/b*tch to you, should that not be enough?
I sometimes think those that end up long-term single do so partly (maybe largely) due to their own fairtytale hopes.
I can't speak for anyone else but I think it's a problem I have.
If I'm going to enter into a long term relationship, she'd need to be pretty special. She doesn't need to be a model but there has to be attraction. Ideally she should be down to earth and be someone I can have a laugh with.
I've had a couple of offers from women that I wasn't attracted to and people think I'm crazy to decline because I've been single for so long. They say I'm too picky. I don't think I'm picky at all. You're either attracted to someone or you're not, and there are no shortage of women out there that I find attractive and would like to start a relationship with. However its almost always the case that they're taken or else they don't feel the same way.
A relationship is a big commitment and I would never settle for someone I wasn't crazy about. Although I can understand why some people do settle because of societal pressure.0 -
Mister Vain wrote: »
A relationship is a big commitment and I would never settle for someone I wasn't crazy about.
Exactly!
Why put yourself through grief & hassle. Being with someone your not mad about, just settling for someone because your desperate, all sound like they wouldn't be good for either persons mental health!0 -
Tell me how wrote: »
So, how do you identify and change that about yourself for the better without fundamentally changing who you are? Answers on a postcard please.
Thanks Tmh.
Identifying it, the patterns, the unconscious processes which cause us to date and be in relationships which are just not good, that takes some soul searching. You also really need to look inside of yourself and be honest. Ask yourself questions. Why am I in this situation again? What am I feeling? Is it a feeling that's familiar to me?0 -
Deleted User wrote: »
I'm torn between it being luck or something more. When the same thing keeps happening we need to look at ourselves. I'll use myself as an example. I have a history of sabotaging relationships because I'm terrified of loss. Another thing I've done is be attracted to men who were emotionally unavailable. That way there was no hope of a real connection forming and therefore no real loss.
Those behaviors were unconscious and it took me a while to figure it out. When the same pattern keeps repeating itself we need to look at what we are doing. From your posts here you seem like a lovely woman. Intelligent, warm, and funny. Ask yourself are you doing anything to keep yourself single. To avoid love and closeness because the risk is too great.
Thank you. I know I did do this when my kids were small, indeed I know that my weight gain was part of my way of keeping people away. This was because I had a serious relationship when my kids were small and they were very hurt and upset when it ended and I didn't want to put them through that again. I also didn't want to go through the pain of the abuse I had suffered in my marriage and then the hurt of my next relationship ending so I found it easier to not fully emotionally engage and was happier in long distance relationships or fwb situations.
Now I am interested in more, and have managed to have a very loving 3 year relationship and another happy few months with someone so I know it is now possible and am not blocking people out any more.LexieOnRale wrote: »I am curious about the guy in the states, would that be enough for you W? It's one thing making long distance work when it's a car journey away but to invest a lot of time and energy into something with someone not even the same timezone... Is that what you want? Would that be enough? Although I know you mentioned you're going to travel so maybe it's a non issue. You don't have to answer btw, I don't mean to pry.
Yeah I am really only actively seeking relationships in America as it is somewhere I am strongly considering moving to for a year on a graduate visa. My thinking is that if I connect with someone online, I could move to near them to do my year and see if it develops. If not, its no biggy as it doesn't really matter to me where in the USA I go, although I do have a preference for California or Florida.
I am holding out on my decision to move to the USA or elsewhere until I know how the elections are gonna pan out. I don't think I could live there under Trump.
Also am a sucker for an American accent and big bears of men, and my last relationship was with a Puerto Rican who had been in the States for over 20 years so I feel American men "get me" or have less hang ups about the fact that I have a weight issue.0 -
What would you do Witchie if you met and fell in love with a man in Ireland?0
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Deleted User wrote: »What would you do Witchie if you met and fell in love with a man in Ireland?
I would have to see if he could come travelling with me.
If not I would still have to go for a year at least and then see after that so it would be a long distance thing for a while. I need to live elsewhere for a while to just feel more alive.
I have always said would have no problem living in Ireland but just need to get out for a while and then move to Dublin coz this small town is killing me.0 -
I would have to see if he could come travelling with me.
If not I would still have to go for a year at least and then see after that so it would be a long distance thing for a while. I need to live elsewhere for a while to just feel more alive.
I have always said would have no problem living in Ireland but just need to get out for a while and then move to Dublin coz this small town is killing me.
I sometimes think about leaving. Maybe London. Dreams really.0 -
Room for one more?? Been reading this thread for a few weeks now - lots of doom and gloom from some posters.
I'm single for 4 months now after a long term relationship ended. Tried pof last month on recommendations from here and although days go by where nobody messages you, some days I might get a few together - not sure why. So I've contacted a couple of girls so far and, on the advice gained here, (meet up fairly quickly) just arranged my first, first date in nearly 7 years on Thursday.0 -
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Room for one more?? Been reading this thread for a few weeks now - lots of doom and gloom from some posters.
I'm single for 4 months now after a long term relationship ended. Tried pof last month on recommendations from here and although days go by where nobody messages you, some days I might get a few together - not sure why. So I've contacted a couple of girls so far and, on the advice gained here, (meet up fairly quickly) just arranged my first, first date in nearly 7 years on Thursday.
Well done. Enjoy and whatever you do, don't feckin ghost on her. If you are not interested tell her nicely that you think she is lovely but that you don't think it is gonna go anywhere.0
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This discussion has been closed.
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