Online dating

Silverman.

PandaX9 wrote:

I think you need to take a deep breath and chill for a moment. I think you are forgetting that we are communicating on a medium that is text-based; ie there is no intonation. There is no subtle change of pitch or anything to denote subtext in people's words easily. I think, for this reason, you are seeing people's intent as outright malicious when they are not trying to be. In other words, you seem to take it to heart. I think these people are just trying to offer you a different perspective, not slander you. You have quite a defensive tone (for reference, asking people to quote the offending posts multiple times and the use of capitals etc when there had been none of this in your posting "style" before).

PandaX9 wrote:

Perhaps it is for this reason that some people have advised you to work on your own self esteem. You seem ready to jump down anyone's throat that tries to offer you constructive criticism. I seriously doubt that any of these claims come from a place of wanting to make you feel bad! Unfortunately, the attitude you have when it comes to certain topics that people are trying to highlight can reflect on you poorly and can be detrimental to your online dating experience. Think of it this way; (I'm not saying it is 100% the case) but maybe if people can pick up on it here than maybe it comes across elsewhere in your interactions?

PandaX9 wrote:

Fundamentally, of the posters here, we are mostly in the same boat, with the exception of Penny and Lexie who are happily attached. We all have differing perspectives on things. Boards is also a discussion site so it is only natural that some of these viewpoints disagree - but I honestly think that just because you don't see eye to eye, nobody wants to make anyone else feel bad about themselves.

PandaX9 wrote:

I think you need to take a deep breath and chill for a moment. I think you are forgetting that we are communicating on a medium that is text-based; ie there is no intonation. There is no subtle change of pitch or anything to denote subtext in people's words easily. I think, for this reason, you are seeing people's intent as outright malicious when they are not trying to be. In other words, you seem to take it to heart. I think these people are just trying to offer you a different perspective, not slander you. You have quite a defensive tone (for reference, asking people to quote the offending posts multiple times and the use of capitals etc when there had been none of this in your posting "style" before).

PandaX9 wrote:

Perhaps it is for this reason that some people have advised you to work on your own self esteem. You seem ready to jump down anyone's throat that tries to offer you constructive criticism. I seriously doubt that any of these claims come from a place of wanting to make you feel bad! Unfortunately, the attitude you have when it comes to certain topics that people are trying to highlight can reflect on you poorly and can be detrimental to your online dating experience. Think of it this way; (I'm not saying it is 100% the case) but maybe if people can pick up on it here than maybe it comes across elsewhere in your interactions?

PandaX9 wrote:

Fundamentally, of the posters here, we are mostly in the same boat, with the exception of Penny and Lexie who are happily attached. We all have differing perspectives on things. Boards is also a discussion site so it is only natural that some of these viewpoints disagree - but I honestly think that just because you don't see eye to eye, nobody wants to make anyone else feel bad about themselves.

That may be your opinion but you try being told that you have a problem with the opposite sex when the basis is false.
Its not very nice.

I reactivated my account. Straight up what do we have? "hi" and another one, "you are the Queen of my heart".

Wtf.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Three days later and it's still being dragged up when nobody else but you is referring to it? It doesn't matter to me who is single, who is taken, who has issues with the opposite sex, not my circus not my monkey.

It's my perception of how your posts are coming across. Aggressive, personal, confrontational and arguementivie, which i wondered at the time maybe it was coming across in your posts with people online dating. Now I have no interest in continuing interacting with you, there's little hope of a rational discussion but I mean in one day you've managed to make at least five digs at me.

I don't know you in person, or on your online dating profile. Just how you present yourself on this thread.

Anyway, I've said all I have to say on the matter. Hopefully the sly digs can stop and people can get back to talking about online dating and not one specific poster.

PandaX9

Silverman. wrote: »

That may be your opinion but you try being told that you have a problem with the opposite sex when the basis is false.
Its not very nice.

Oh my god I just tried to reason with you in the nicest possible way and had to basically walk on eggshells constructing every sentence so that it couldn't be misconstrued in a negative light.. I'm just honestly not seeing where people are telling you that you have a problem with women. I do however see some posts about how maybe you have some problems with your own perception of yourself and maybe that affects your relationships with women.

It all terribly reminds me of this, and this is not aimed at you - it is just the approach that I was reminded of.

Silverman.

LexieOnRale wrote:

Three days later and it's still being dragged up when nobody else but you is referring to it? It doesn't matter to me who is single, who is taken, who has issues with the opposite sex, not my circus not my monkey.

LexieOnRale wrote:

It's my perception of how your posts are coming across. Aggressive, personal, confrontational and arguementivie, which i wondered at the time maybe it was coming across in your posts with people online dating. Now I have no interest in continuing interacting with you, there's little hope of a rational discussion but I mean in one day you've managed to make at least five digs at me.

LexieOnRale wrote:

I don't know you in person, or on your online dating profile. Just how you present yourself on this thread.

LexieOnRale wrote:

Anyway, I've said all I have to say on the matter. Hopefully the sly digs can stop and people can get back to talking about online dating and not one specific poster.

The sly digs are not sly cos you have lied twice just to prove your points.
You said:
I called women 'shallow bitches for liking certain things' - That is a lie
'I said nice guys finish last' - That is a lie.

This is why I have had to defend myself cos you made me out to have said these things when I said nothing of the sort.

Andre 3000

[Deleted User] wrote: »

"you are the Queen of my heart".

I'm stealing this :pac: absolutely hilarious

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Just report the posts and stop dragging the entire thread off topic. Let the
Mods deal with it instead of making the thread your own personal show.

Silverman.

PandaX9 wrote:

Oh my god I just tried to reason with you in the nicest possible way and had to basically walk on eggshells constructing every sentence so that it couldn't be misconstrued in a negative light.. I'm just honestly not seeing where people are telling you that you have a problem with women. I do however see some posts about how maybe you have some problems with your own perception of yourself and maybe that affects your relationships with women.

PandaX9 wrote:

It all terribly reminds me of this, and this is not aimed at you - it is just the approach that I was reminded of.

I have no problem with people saying I could do with working on my self esteem as it may be true.
Its the lies I cannot stand.
Also I didn't jump down your throat.

FortySeven

Silverman. wrote: »

I have no problem with people saying I could do with working on my self esteem as it may be true.
Its the lies I cannot stand.
Also I didn't jump down your throat.

So get over it and move on ffs.

KomradeBishop

makingmecrazy wrote: »

You see...this is exactly what I'm talking about!
See how aggressive the above comes across? Jeez dude, if you are this tightly wound about a simple comment on an internet forum AND the fact that I'm not the only person who has brought up similar points(by your own admission) re your posts and how you present yourself in your posts, should be telling you a whole helluva lot.

You ARE coming across as pee'd off at women not being interested in you they way they would be in a "bad boy" etc etc.
You have been coming across in that fashion for almost all of your posts in
this thread(I know a few other posters pulled you up on this already).
You will NOT be as successful in life and love as you could be if you take the response you have taken on here, in your posts, into real life situations.
It will not wash with people I'm afraid.
Just a friendly word to the wise to be taken or left as you please

In fairness, I don't agree with what he's saying, but if people are openly lying about what he said and are misrepresenting him, then that's a fairly big part of why he would be coming across the way you describe...

Judge him by what he actually, quotably says - not by the impression generated of him, by other posters misrepresenting him.


One of the interesting things about this topic, are the ways that there are double standards in dating - and learning about as well as seeing peoples reactions to, those double standards - a consistent reaction, is to attack anyone pointing out any kind of double standards, almost like people are unconsciously trying to enforce the just world fallacy.

A constant refrain, that I've seen rather a lot socially, is that recognizing/acknowledging any of the double standards in dating, is 'unattractive' or indicates a 'confidence'/'self-esteem' problem - i.e. there's usually attempt to cripple recognition/discussion of those kind of issues in dating, and to blame the person who recognizes those issues, as if it's their own fault/issue (i.e. to get them to shut up...) - and that's something I find very interesting, as it's pretty prevalent, and helps the societal perpetuation of such problems/double-standards.

Sweet divine Jaysus. He said you said she said they said.

Where's the tae?

Silverman.

KomradeBishop wrote:

In fairness, I don't agree with what he's saying, but if people are openly lying about what he said and are misrepresenting him, then that's a fairly big part of why he would be coming across the way you describe...

KomradeBishop wrote:

Judge him by what he actually, quotably says - not by the impression generated of him, by other posters misrepresenting him.

KomradeBishop wrote:

One of the interesting things about this topic, are the ways that there are double standards in dating - and learning about as well as seeing peoples reactions to, those double standards - a consistent reaction, is to attack anyone pointing out any kind of double standards, almost like people are unconsciously trying to enforce the

KomradeBishop wrote:

A constant refrain, that I've seen rather a lot socially, is that recognizing/acknowledging any of the double standards in dating, is 'unattractive' or indicates a 'confidence'/'self-esteem' problem - i.e. there's usually attempt to cripple recognition/discussion of those kind of issues in dating, and to blame the person who recognizes those issues, as if it's their own fault/issue (i.e. to get them to shut up...) - and that's something I find very interesting, as it's pretty prevalent, and helps the societal perpetuation of such problems/double-standards.

Precisely. Thank you for some reason.

Andre 3000

Andre 3000 wrote: »

I'm stealing this :pac: absolutely hilarious

It was sent to me from a man living a million miles away. No I'm not moving my life to Marrakech. Are you moving yours to Ireland? Then what's the frigging point!!

PandaX9

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I reactivated my account. Straight up what do we have? "hi" and another one, "you are the Queen of my heart".

Wtf.

Good to hear you are back out there! I suppose on the bright side you can take it as a compliment.

I haven't opened tinder in almost a month due to stress from exams and dating people from it offline. When I did I had few new messages (fine by me) but I did have a stand out series that went like this:

Guy: hi
Guy: hey what's up gorgeous?
Guy: ok..
Guy: wtf
Guy: why did you match with me if you didn't want to talk?
Guy: HELLO
Guy: does this make you feel good?
Guy: unbelievable
Me: I haven't been online in weeks. I didn't set out to frustrate you in my absence.
Guy: oh.. How are you?
Guy: ..go **** yourself you c***


Needless to say, I laughed and then felt bad for the guy. Seriously needs to work on his self esteem - how anyone can be confident and happy in themselves and go after people like that amazes me. He obviously hadn't considered the possibility that I was busy and needed someone to be in the firing line of his victim mentality :rolleyes:. I'm not trying to blast the guy, I'm sure he's not a bad person but his communication skills leave a lot to be desired.


I have found that many people on tinder, in my experience, seem to be quite impatient and seem to want to move in a fast pace - instant replies, instant switch to whatsapp, arranging to meet up as soon as possible. What is the rush? To me it is a red flag. Of the guys I've dated that followed this pattern, the inevitable followed: the accelerated loss of interest and ghosting. Almost formulaic really - basically the whole experience can be condensed into as 3-14 days. Is this to quickly ascertain if you like someone or is it to fit in as many different people as possible in a short time frame so as to maximise chances of finding a connection?

CelticRambler

Changing the subject ... :rolleyes: ... I was in Dublin at the weekend for a First Communion. Many fine women in the church. Thought I was in with a chance to find and chat up some of the single mothers at the do afterwards but ...













... OMG and WTF :eek: So many orange legs! I've read about the phenomenon on boards.ie and thought it was an AH exaggeration but no, pretty dress and orange legs seems to be the height of fashion in Dublin. My award for unjustified retinal scarring went to the group of four "curvy" females who were all dressed in peach tops and had stained their generously proportioned bare legs to match. :pac:

So no dating on or offline for me in Dublin these last few days. Back to more familiar surroundings this weekend. :cool:

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

What's your snapchat? What's your surname? Add me on Facebook there. What's your phone number?

Jesus. Intense much.

Mr. CooL ICE

Silverman, you are obviously disillusioned with online dating. My advice is to give it a break (at least a few months) because your current outlook towards it is not going to lead to any success any time soon.

In the meantime, just learn to be happy with yourself. Don't try to get ripped in the hopes that you will 'get noticed'. If the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem is a nail etc.

KomradeBishop

PandaX9 wrote: »

...
I have found that many people on tinder, in my experience, seem to be quite impatient and seem to want to move in a fast pace - instant replies, instant switch to whatsapp, arranging to meet up as soon as possible. What is the rush? To me it is a red flag. Of the guys I've dated that followed this pattern, the inevitable followed: the accelerated loss of interest and ghosting. Almost formulaic really - basically the whole experience can be condensed into as 3-14 days. Is this to quickly ascertain if you like someone or is it to fit in as many different people as possible in a short time frame so as to maximise chances of finding a connection?

Generally, there's no point waiting more than a week or two before meeting - after a while, you build up more and more expectations of wanting to meet the person, and when it leads to ghosting, just makes it all the more annoying if you've been messaging ages.

Generally people want to get to know each other in person - online is just a means of getting to meet someone, not getting to know them - getting to know/like someone online is a bad idea, and usually a lot more headwrecking when it doesn't work out when you finally meet.

PandaX9

KomradeBishop wrote: »

Generally, there's no point waiting more than a week or two before meeting - after a while, you build up more and more expectations of wanting to meet the person, and when it leads to ghosting, just makes it all the more annoying if you've been messaging ages.

Generally people want to get to know each other in person - online is just a means of getting to meet someone, not getting to know them - getting to know/like someone online is a bad idea, and usually a lot more headwrecking when it doesn't work out when you finally meet.

I can see that yes. The mentality of not wanting to waste time if there's no spark. I personally would be in the camp of getting to know them a bit more before deciding to go on a date - then again I'm exactly the same online as I am in person so I suppose that's why. I don't like going on dates as soon as possible if I feel I'm not ready to meet the person or there's some invisible hourglass looming over our interactions .

Witchie

PandaX9 wrote: »

I can see that yes. The mentality of not wanting to waste time if there's no spark. I personally would be in the camp of getting to know them a bit more before deciding to go on a date - then again I'm exactly the same online as I am in person so I suppose that's why. I don't like going on dates as soon as possible if I feel I'm not ready to meet the person or there's some invisible hourglass looming over our interactions .

I would be similar. While I don't want to wait forever to meet you I need to feel comfortable enough chatting to you before I meet them if there is no chemistry that is ok but at least I know we meet because we connected nor just coz you liked the look of me.

I am weird. I am wary of guys who like fat chicks coz I often think they have an attitude that I should be grateful that they have paid me attention. I want them to like me the person and the package to be irrelevant. That is the courtesy I extend to men so don't see why it shouldn't be returned.

I have met people that physically wouldn't be my first choice because if I connect with them, enjoy their sense of humour and their attitude to life I can look past physical attributes.

So basically online getting to know each other a bit is better for gauging this.

Shint0

Deleted User wrote: »

It was sent to me from a man living a million miles away. No I'm not moving my life to Marrakech. Are you moving yours to Ireland? Then what's the frigging point!!

Fuppin' bet he would move to Ireland in a heartbeat but he ain't dreamin' of you kiddo. Dreamin' of the freshly printed smell of a Stamp 4.

manonboard

PandaX9 wrote: »

I have found that many people on tinder, in my experience, seem to be quite impatient and seem to want to move in a fast pace - instant replies, instant switch to whatsapp, arranging to meet up as soon as possible. What is the rush? To me it is a red flag. Of the guys I've dated that followed this pattern, the inevitable followed: the accelerated loss of interest and ghosting. Almost formulaic really - basically the whole experience can be condensed into as 3-14 days. Is this to quickly ascertain if you like someone or is it to fit in as many different people as possible in a short time frame so as to maximise chances of finding a connection?

I certainly don't consider myself someone who would fall into any creepy bracket. Perhaps i'm too lazy to be stalkery (actually i just try raise myself with good moral standards and healthy emotional development). However I can see why guys want to rush it alot on things like tinder. Its already a massive time sink v results (making a connection). I've found it can appear that women get bored if on tinder talking too much.. the spark of new newness quickly fades. Whats app is a vastly superior chat application than tinder, which is one of the worst chat apps i've used. It's error prone, not picture sending friendly, no status reports, and is very much used to keep people isolated into a safe box until they are 'fit' enough to be given an actual phone number.
It's a real wreck the head for guys to have to move through all the stages. Takes ages, massive fail rate for various reasons. I think most guys just try to protect their time investment and get emotionally frustrated due to difficulties. Tinder is also a bit of a 'satisfy the urge now' type of app.

Just my 2 cents (these 2 cents acknowledge the crazy motives and entitlements behind the above actions, but i wanted to keep my reply shortest)

manonboard

Witchie wrote: »

That is the courtesy I extend to men so don't see why it shouldn't be returned.

Hi, This sentence stood out to me. Would you mind if I ask you why see it as a courtesy? It's probably reactionary of me, but my minds first thought was "hmm i wonder why disregarding them physically is considered a courtesy?"
I'm pretty average looking i think, I don't consider it a nay or a yay if someone overlooked my looks.
Hope you dont mind me asking.

Shint0

Shint0 wrote: »

Fuppin' bet he would move to Ireland in a heartbeat but he ain't dreamin' of you kiddo. Dreamin' of the freshly printed smell of a Stamp 4.

Eh no. Dreaming of fresh smelling Persepoly

Dial Hard

PandaX9 wrote: »

I haven't opened tinder in almost a month due to stress from exams and dating people from it offline. When I did I had few new messages (fine by me) but I did have a stand out series that went like this:

Guy: hi
Guy: hey what's up gorgeous?
Guy: ok..
Guy: wtf
Guy: why did you match with me if you didn't want to talk?
Guy: HELLO
Guy: does this make you feel good?
Guy: unbelievable
Me: I haven't been online in weeks. I didn't set out to frustrate you in my absence.
Guy: oh.. How are you?
Guy: ..go **** yourself you c***

I had something similar on POF in the space of less than two hours on a Saturday morning when I was, shock horror, asleep.

8.02am: Hiya gorgeous
8.49am: Not going to reply to me???
9.20am: Meh, you're not even that good looking anyway
9.52am: I hope you get raped, you ugly Jackeen c*nt

I think that was the first person I ever reported on POF.

Witchie

manonboard wrote: »

Hi, This sentence stood out to me. Would you mind if I ask you why see it as a courtesy? It's probably reactionary of me, but my minds first thought was "hmm i wonder why disregarding them physically is considered a courtesy?"
I'm pretty average looking i think, I don't consider it a nay or a yay if someone overlooked my looks.
Hope you dont mind me asking.

I think you may have misread me. I meant that courtesy of not judging solely on looks. I like tall, big guys but if someone makes an effort to chat to me and is short and skinny, I won't write them off.

I mean, I will look at the whole package, not focussing on their looks, height, weight etc.....if their personality is a winner I will meet them and hope that am more attracted to them in real life.

For example guy who ghosted me after 2 dates wouldn't be my type in some ways. He has a beard which I am not into, he also kinda had the look of someone a bit arrogant in some of his pics but when I met him he was much nicer looking in real life and we just really hit it off as if we were still chatting online. Think that is why I was totally miffed at his ghosting. We really enjoyed each other's company, or at least it seemed so!

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Dial Hard wrote: »

I had something similar on POF in the space of less than two hours on a Saturday morning when I was, shock horror, asleep.

8.02am: Hiya gorgeous
8.49am: Not going to reply to me???
9.20am: Meh, you're not even that good looking anyway
9.52am: I hope you get raped, you ugly Jackeen c*nt

I think that was the first person I ever reported on POF.

Lord save us. :eek:
I always lol at that line though.
Oh here's a drink I bought you.
No thanks.
Gwan you're not even that good looking anyway!

Dial Hard

LexieOnRale wrote: »

I always lol at that line though.

I know, I had a good laugh at it. I went from gorgeous to an ugly c*unt in an hour and a bit.

Usually takes an all-nighter for that to happen :pac:

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Suppose he was an oil painting though, your loss and all that!

Silverman.

Dial Hard wrote:

I know, I had a good laugh at it. I went from gorgeous to an ugly c*unt in an hour and a bit.

Dial Hard wrote:

Usually takes an all-nighter for that to happen

That was awful. Well you obviously are gorgeous if he messaged ya in the first place