Objects that don't work

Day Lewin

To quote that excellent scruffy detective Lovejoy, most things aren't.

Money is only paper and scrap metal, it isn't really worth anything in its own right, not like in the Olden Daze when it was actually connected with the value of real gold and silver.

Well, jugs that don't pour properly? I mean, why does this object exist? Someone got paid to design it - (one presumes. But there again...)

A machine got tooled up to produce it, probably by the million. The Pyrex company got their proud company name stamped on it. I pay real paper money to a hardware shop and bring it home.

And you fill this with water or milk etc and attempt to pour...there's a little sulky lip right there, supposedly to facilitate pouring. And the liquid gloops over the edge and spills on the table and continues to drip. Blob blob.

I mean, did nobody TEST these things before allowing good factory time and materials to be spent on them?
How can you call it a jug if it won't pour? A flowerpot would do a better job.

Inspired by this thought, the Pyrex measuring jug now holds a pot plant.

endacl

Money is not paper and scrap metal. Currency is. Money is a different thing entirely.

One eyed Jack

"Now the jugs don't work..."


/runs away

IamtheWalrus

I always wondered really appalling, universally dismissed movies make it to the cinema. I'm guessing it takes scores of people to get a movie to the cinema and lots of time. Surely someone in the process was able to say 'Stop. This is crap'.

drunkmonkey

Tomorrow's lesson in Junior Infants will be on how to use a Jug.

Seth Brundle

The unemployed don't work!

RainyDay

The problem is that many designers (product designers, architects, ICT app and web designers) value form over function. They want something that looks great, but they put little value on how the bloody thing works. Or if they do, they find something what works for a fit healthy white male, and forget about children, older people, people with disabilities, small people etc. This could have something to do with the fact that most designers are fit, healthy white males.

User testing with diverse user groups should be a fundamental part of product design, but it's not.

Samaris

IamtheWalrus wrote: »

I always wondered really appalling, universally dismissed movies make it to the cinema. I'm guessing it takes scores of people to get a movie to the cinema and lots of time. Surely someone in the process was able to say 'Stop. This is crap'.

Funnily enough, I was reading an article on Cracked (yeah, bastion of news and ..totally useless information!) on more or less that subject. And it seems there's a move towards the Chinese markets going on at the moment, as the China market has now exceeding the American and European markets. But, and it's a bit of an issue, the Chinese government is quite censor-happy, and anything that might upset official sensibilities gets stamped on. Couple that to Things that Americans Markets Can't Have and you end up with a narrower range of topics. (No-one seems to care much about what might upset European sensibilities, I think it's generally assumed that we don't have any ).

Basically, you can have lots of explosions. Explosions are always safe.

On the topic of money, well, gold and silver aren't "worth" anything either. They have a limited range of what's useful (mostly to do with conductivity and/or sterility), and apart from that, they're just valued because they're pretty metals.

Menas

Masking tape. It is good at masking but when you take it off it takes a load of paint/wall with it.

Harry Palmr

Speaking of jugs - my dirt cheap Chinese made kettle is useless really, if you try to pour beyond a certain angle it dribbles a stream down its front so leaving a pool at the "base" as you fill the cup. Also it doesn't have a reliable shut off so you can switch it on empty and it'll stay on!

silverharp

car paint repair kits, its something you try as a noob but it always made the scratch look worse

jester77

Wet towels don't work

Mr.Crinklewood

Lu*s drivers.

maudgonner

Harry Palmr wrote: »

Speaking of jugs - my dirt cheap Chinese made kettle is useless really, if you try to pour beyond a certain angle it dribbles a stream down its front so leaving a pool at the "base" as you fill the cup. Also it doesn't have a reliable shut off so you can switch it on empty and it'll stay on!

It's also a truth universally acknowledged that 99% of teapots are dribbly as fúck.

Nodin

kbannon wrote: »

The unemployed don't work!

...except when they aren't supposed to.

my3cents

Those ridiculously expensive stove fans. The one you put on top of a solid fuel stove and are supposed to help heat the room better.

They don't work because most of the heat from a stove warms you by radiation. Radiated heat isn't affected by air movement.

Interesting talking points though.

The Raptor

kbannon wrote: »

The unemployed don't work!

Jobbridge, Tus, Gateway and other such schemes? Forcing unemployed people to work. They're still technically unemployed and once their scheme finishes it back on the dole for them.

Xaracatz

Those nail polish remover pots, where you just dip your finger through the bristles and the nail polish comes off. Nope - it just smears.

Those blackhead remover strips.

That revolving attachment for hairdryers to make your hair curly but instead tangles into your hair, surgically attaching itself to your head.

Inspired by all these chemist things that didn't work, years ago when we were kids, myself and a friend got Immac at a sleepover expecting nothing to happen. We nearly died when we ended up with hair free arms! (No idea why we used it on our arms..) My friend got really upset and had to ring her mum to calm her down.

So, in conclusion, Immac definitely works.

Vowel Movement

I've never had a can opener that worked well.

Menas

Vowel Movement wrote: »

I've never had a can opener that worked well.

Are you left handed ?
I am, and getting one that works easily is a bloody chore.

Ray Palmer

Toasters! They can't hold a normal slice of bread

reap-a-rat

Those suction things that are supposed to stick things to the wall, most of the time, are absolutely ****e.

Duff

'Easy-open and re-sealable' packets of ham. Me hole.

ger vallely

I just recently bought some solar bulbs for the garden. They look so lovely, big, brightly coloured and they hang from the gazebo. Don't bloody work though. Not even a dim hint of light do they emit, nothing. They were only €1.50 each in a certain Homestore but they ought to work. Surely it costs almost the same to make a product that actually works.

TheHillOfDoom

My bugbear is milk containers. It's like every year they run a competition to find the most annoyingly frustrating complicated mess-inducing opening mechanism known to man.

smash

Dead batteries.

maudgonner

Storage heaters are bloody useless. They leave your home lovely and warm while you're out at work and freezing by the time you get home.

heldel00

Anything with the JML brand stamped on it!

ToddyDoody

Flash videos.. Constantly with the 'will not play without a newer version' (that doesn't install)

kneemos

ger vallely wrote: »

I just recently bought some solar bulbs for the garden. They look so lovely, big, brightly coloured and they hang from the gazebo. Don't bloody work though. Not even a dim hint of light do they emit, nothing. They were only €1.50 each in a certain Homestore but they ought to work. Surely it costs almost the same to make a product that actually works.

Might work in the Summer after 14 hours of sunshine.

Squall Leonhart

Those rubber things you can get to drop in a pot of boiling water to "poach the perfect egg"

Bollocks

the evasion_kid

Mr.frosty

kneemos

Starship Enterprise.

harry Bailey esq

katemarch wrote: »

To quote that excellent scruffy detective Lovejoy, most things aren't.
How can you call it a jug if it won't pour? A flowerpot would do a better job.

Inspired by this thought, the Pyrex measuring jug now holds a pot plant.

Being quite green fingered myself, I hope you had the werwhital to drill some holes in the bottom of the jug,otherwise your plant will die a death pretty sharpish. Certain milk cartons piss me off.

StupidLikeAFox

One eyed Jack wrote: »

"Now the jugs don't work..."

...they just make me hurt,
but at least they hold my daf-o-dils"

Do do do do doooo

cormie

Anything that's designed to be used with water/liquid but isn't rust proof. Like shower trays, outdoor padlocks, sieves and I'm just after buying a replacement for a metal compost bin I had that rusted through.

****ty headphones, speakers and head units.

Reusable water bottles and food containers that have BPA and other chemicals in them.

Cable bike locks that can be snipped in 2 seconds with a pliers.

Cheap easy to use knife sharpeners that will eventually mess up the blade.

Sport and physiotherapy injury prevention and performance enhancing and aiding wearables that have absolutely no affect.

Any ****ty processed hunger suppressants marketed as food when they aid malnourishment instead of nourishment.

Any anti ageing or concealer cosmetics that clog your pours and leave you walking around with a face full of chemicals which will over time make your skin worse.

Antiperspirant, blocking sweat ducts with more chemicals can't be good.

Medication that leaves you worse off healthwise.

Back support and ergonomic furniture that doesn't prevent bad posture.

Cheap umbrellas that get torn to bits in any kind of wind.

Food processors and other kitchen equipment that don't have powerful enough motors to do what they are meant to.

IKEA furniture after it's moved a few times.

I could be here all day..

Poor Uncle Tom

Menas wrote: »

Are you left handed ?
I am, and getting one that works easily is a bloody chore.

Off to the emporium with you post haste, Neddy has just the thing for you.....

Aglets, bloody nuisance..

looksee

How can an aglet not work! Unless they fall off, in which case you get a fluffy lace end, but thats not really 'not working'!

Poor Uncle Tom

looksee wrote: »

How can an aglet not work! Unless they fall off, in which case you get a fluffy lace end, but thats not really 'not working'!

Oh they work ok, I just don't like them, bondage for laces...

Capt'n Midnight

Jugs work if you don't over fill them. Just fill to two thirds.

Mister Vain

Penis enlargement pills.

Poor Uncle Tom

Mister Vain wrote: »

Penis enlargement pills.

You're doing it wrong, they absorb through the skin when they are stamped in violently with 5" high heels. They're guaranteed to work, at least until the swelling goes down....

Day Lewin

harry Bailey esq wrote: »

Being quite green fingered myself, I hope you had the werwhital to drill some holes in the bottom of the jug,otherwise your plant will die a death pretty sharpish. Certain milk cartons piss me off.

Oh, it is currently employed as a cache-pot, the actual plant is in a pot of its own.

Wibbs

Dyson vacuum cleaners. Well they kinda work, but not very well and are pure shíte on carpet. The vacuum with no bag that doesn't lose suction, yeah because it has eff all in the first place.

DEFTLEFTHAND

kbannon wrote: »

The unemployed don't work!

How dare you objectify human beings.

Victor

katemarch wrote: »

Money is only paper and scrap metal, it isn't really worth anything in its own right, not like in the Olden Daze when it was actually connected with the value of real gold and silver.

When you eat any of them, do they have nutritional value?

Mister Vain

Poor Uncle Tom wrote: »

You're doing it wrong, they absorb through the skin when they are stamped in violently with 5" high heels. They're guaranteed to work, at least until the swelling goes down....

This works better.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jby0I-zLj9c

Archeron

Those feet shaped things with suction cups that you stick in a shower tray and use to clean your feet without having to bend down and bonk your head off the shower wall, and I really don't understand how they don't work. It has bristles, there shouldn't be much more to it than that.

Mister Vain

Those nose strips that supposedly help you breath better.

harry Bailey esq

katemarch wrote: »

Oh, it is currently employed as a cache-pot, the actual plant is in a pot of its own.

Well that cleared that up for me, much better than f*ckin it in the bin, waste not, want not as they say. Kudos.

Conall Cernach

maudgonner wrote: »

It's also a truth universally acknowledged that 99% of teapots are dribbly as fúck.

Especially those metal ones that you usually get in cafés, the ones where the lid doesn't close properly.