Do most women have a strong desire to have a baby??

snoopy29

I'm 34, married 1.5 yrs, have my own home, stable job (which I hate) and financially in a good position. I should mention I do suffer from bad anxiety which I go to counselling for and take anti'D's which both help a lot.

I've never had the desperate urge to have a baby but I've always thought I probably would eventually. I love spending time with my niece and nephew and when they smile at me it does give me a warm fuzzy feeling inside and I always look forward to seeing them. Having said that I do look forward to saying goodbye sometimes too!

At 35 later this year, even my GP is urging me that if I'm thinking of having a family at all to get started now .

I'm just wondering do all women feel this strong desire to have a baby or is it society pressures/something you think you should be doing etc. at a certain age?

I'm curious if a lot of people are ambivalent to having a child and go ahead anyways and get pregnant, did you feel the strong maternal feeling when the baby was born or did you end up regretting it?

I'm wondering am I normal and a lot of women think like this and then when the baby comes they love the baby and think it was the correct decision or is parenthood just not for me?

lazygal

Not all women, obviously.

But the reality is that women have a set time during which pregnancy can occur and a set timeframe for having a baby, that's just how it works. So if you're leaning towards having one you need to think of your age. I'm around your age and have two children. If we have another I feel we should try again soon because of my age. Had I met my husband much sooner I'd have loved to have more time on my side. Ideally I'd have complted my family by 30, but that wasn't how life panned out.

I am not overly maternal and never cooed over babies. I love my children and I know I'm a good mother but it certainly isn't my whole identity.

snoopy29

I think TBH I'll always be unsure but I do think that while I'm slightly ambivalent at the moment, when I'm 50 and look back I think I'd feel a bit empty if I didnt have a baby. Is that enough to go ahead though or is that a common quandary?!

Speedwell

I'll be 50 this year. I have had issues with anxiety and depression, been through therapy, now resolved... mostly In my late 20s my fiance and I were not ready to have our accidental baby and we had an open adoption, for which I am absolutely not one teeny bit sorry. I am happy that little girl has good, stable parents who desperately wanted her and who are happy to love her and raise her. He and I did not have any other kids, for which I am absolutely not one teeny bit sorry. I did not have any kids between our amicable divorce and meeting the man I married a few years ago, for which I am absolutely not one teeny bit sorry. My husband and I talked about having kids a handful of times, and decided against it for reasons varying from "eh we're too old" to just "meh" and we are maybe one minuscule, invisible to the naked eye, bit sorry, but we seem to be perfectly ready to hand his older little sister's wee ones back to her after a few hours or a few days, and his younger little sister's kids make us want to change our names and volunteer for the next Mars colony. Where, if we are lucky, men and women will live in separate dorms. We have our hands full enough raising a kitten at the moment. If, God forbid, something happened to one of his sisters and her husband, and we were needed to raise their kids, we would of course step up, but we are happy to be the aunt and uncle and to hope something like that never actually happens.

I tried, actually, to get a tubal ligation after the adoption. My doctor refused, saying, "We don't do those until you have had three babies". I said, fine, I'll go give up two more; is that what you want? His look could have melted steel, but the fact is that I had a right to call the shots about my own body and my own fertility, and he had no right to pressure me. Your GP also has no right to impose his prejudices on you or pressure you into doing anything you don't want to do.

There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with wanting to leave the baby-rearing to people who really honestly love it, just as there is nothing wrong with leaving building skyscrapers to architects or farming to farmers. You're not selfish for not wanting kids. People who presume to tell you what you should want are the selfish ones. People who have kids because they want kids are not exactly unselfish, either.

Normal is what's right for you. If you don't want a baby, then don't have one. If you do happen to want one, really truly want one without reservation, then yes, you should have one. In the meantime, a non-hormonal IUD will protect you and won't do funny things with your mood or cause you fertility problems later.

Sunny Dayz

I don't think most women have a strong desire to have children, I think it's more that they feel they have to, by history or by society. But I do think many women have at least some desire to have kids.
I have one child which I had at a young age. Love him to bits but have never felt since that I wanted another, it was never a good time between studies, relationship, house, wedding etc. I'm now in my early 30's, expecting the bio clock to start ticking but it hasn't so far and I don't expect it will. Sometimes I think there's something wrong with me, that I don't want to have children. Most women my age have started to have kids, have an idea how many they would like or where kids fit in with their life plan. I'm just not fussed about having another, to start all over again, to deal with both a teen and a toddler.

Penny Dreadful

It's all a personal choice really and to have or not have children is not something that is anyone's decision except yours.

In my 20s I was convinced I didn't want kids at all. I owned my own home, had a good education and job and was in a long term relationship with someone I thought I'd be with forever. I had several nieces and nephews I loved to spend time with and was also delighted to hand them back too.

In my early 30s our relationship floundered- granted there were a lot of reasons for this but one of them was an absolute deal breaker for me- he told me that he never ever wanted to have children and I knew right then and there that I needed to have the option at least.
We broke up and I am now married to someone else who is just great and wonderful (while at times being a pain in the ass- he is human after all:-) ) and we have an 18 month old daughter with another baby on the way this summer.

Kids are hard work there is no doubt about it yet for me I've found being a mum just fabulous and have never regretted it.

eviltwin

Never had the urge to have babies and I have two kids . My first was unplanned and a big shock but I knew I wanted to have her and raise her. No regrets. My second was born twelve years later, we'd reached a point in our lives where we felt ready to have another, again no major urges even though he was planned. If anything my husband was the broody one and still is. I'm definitely done now, I love my kids to bits and they are the best thing in my life but I have other nice things I enjoy too and I feel we've earned the rest.

snoopy29

I think it seems im not in the minority anyways. My husband is very keen on a baby and the doctor was'nt pushing me one way or the other she just said if I was keen in any way at all to start trying which is a fair enough point.

Dolbert

I'm not one to coo over babies but I have always known that I wanted my own child(ren).

Imagine that you were told tomorrow that you would definitely never have kids. How that thought makes you feel should tell you one way or the other. One thing is for sure, you need to talk properly with your husband about it as he needs to know where he stands.

snoopy29

Yeah he knows how I feel. He was'nt sure until recently but seems to have had a lightbulb moment and realise he does want them.

I think I would be upset yes if someone told me tomorrow I couldnt have any children.....maybe thats the answer.

Speedwell

snoopy29 wrote: »

I think I would be upset yes if someone told me tomorrow I couldnt have any children.....maybe thats the answer.

No, that's advertising. If someone told me tomorrow I couldn't ever have any children again even if I wanted them I would be upset, too, even though I am within spitting distance of menopause and don't want any more kids anyway.

Don't confuse the immature "oh no, I might miss out" with the mature "my husband and I have thought about it and we really want to and the time is right for us to have and raise a child".

dowhatyoulove

I always knew I wanted to be a mum, I just wanted to wait until me and hubby got married first. First baby on the way!

LegacyUser

You see, I think it's different for women than for men, because we have a set time period that we can have them in, so we have to have an eye to these things.

I can't say I always loved kids. Actually, who am I kidding, I still am not that mad about kids. Other people's kids annoy the crap out of me mostly and I don't really know what to do with them, although these days I'm a lot more understanding of them!! But I love my little one more than anything on this planet, and I couldn't wait to give her a sibling (currently overdue by 6 days )

I wouldn't say that I have huge amounts of maternal instinct though. I mean I still like a break and I do put her for a nap and bedtime with a sigh of relief. But I try to be the best mother I can be to her, and I think I'm doing ok so far, same as any other mother out there.

I don't think it's fair to say either that you should only have kids if you really truly want them and otherwise don't mind what society thinks. Not that many women go and have kids because they really truly want them. Nobody knows what it's really like to have kids til you actually have them and there is no "good" or "ready" time for it, as far as I'm concerned. Even at 32 with a house, husband, good relationship, income etc. our daughter's arrival hit us like a tonne of bricks. But you know what, we're still here, we're enjoying every minute with her and I'd like to think that we have grown more as people because of her.

I see what your doctor's saying, and it's fair enough, but it's up to you to decide what you want to do. It's not really a "right" or "wrong" decision.

LegacyUser

No, not all women want a baby.

However, I do believe, and science backs me up here, that hormonal contraception can flatten any biological urge to procreate. If a woman is on the pill or bar or coil throughout her 20s, 30s and beyond, it's not unusual for her to have no inclination whatsoever to have a baby. Synthetic hormones take care of that urge. If you're not even ovulating ... It makes sense.

Stop the synthetic hormones though.... It can be and has been a very different story for some women.

LegacyUser

No, not all women want a baby.

However, I do believe, and science backs me up here, that hormonal contraception can flatten any biological urge to procreate. If a woman is on the pill or bar or coil throughout her 20s, 30s and beyond, it's not unusual for her to have no inclination whatsoever to have a baby. Synthetic hormones take care of that urge. If you're not even ovulating ... It makes sense.

Stop the synthetic hormones though.... It can be and has been a very different story for some women.

secondrowgal

No, never wanted one, and don't have any. I've oohed and aahed over other people's children, and have the most wonderful nieces and nephews, but never had any desire whatsoever to have one of my own. In fact, I'd rather say I'm the opposite and would actually have more of a desire NOT to have any. It's all moot now, thankfully, due to biology, but I don't regret it one little bit.

Perfectly normal, IMHO. I know lots of girls who are the same as me - and some who have had kids because their other half wanted them, not because they did. That's a real toughie of course, because I reckon it is a real deal-breaker for many couples - one person wants a child, the other doesn't. There's no real compromise in there.

So don't worry OP. I would suggest that you imagine yourself at 60/70/80, whatever, and look back at your life. See if you are sorry/happy for the decisions that you made on this score and that should give you a good indication of what you really want. You may be 100% happy with your decision, or 70/30 or even 50/50, but you probably need to figure that out now if you can.

Good luck!

murphy01

I'm married for a number of years and have many nieces and nephews. I'm in my mid 30s and have a great husband. He really wants a child but I just keep putting it off. It's actually eating me up because I feel like society expects me to have one. I know my family and his are likely wondering what is going on and I haven't discussed this with anyone except my husband. We have a nice life, great families, good jobs... and I just feel like adding in a baby, whilst adorable is a hell of a lot of hard work and stress... I just don't see how this could enrich my life? In saying that, I fear that I will look back and regret this plus I feel desperately selfish for not 'giving' my husband the child he craves. The guilt and fear do get to me. On the outside I am sure people think I have the perfect life and while I do have a great life, this issue won't go away. My husband is great in that he doesn't put any pressure on me but I am aware that time is running out. Problem is that there are no answers for me.

eviltwin

murphy01 wrote: »

I'm married for a number of years and have many nieces and nephews. I'm in my mid 30s and have a great husband. He really wants a child but I just keep putting it off. It's actually eating me up because I feel like society expects me to have one. I know my family and his are likely wondering what is going on and I haven't discussed this with anyone except my husband. We have a nice life, great families, good jobs... and I just feel like adding in a baby, whilst adorable is a hell of a lot of hard work and stress... I just don't see how this could enrich my life? In saying that, I fear that I will look back and regret this plus I feel desperately selfish for not 'giving' my husband the child he craves. The guilt and fear do get to me. On the outside I am sure people think I have the perfect life and while I do have a great life, this issue won't go away. My husband is great in that he doesn't put any pressure on me but I am aware that time is running out. Problem is that there are no answers for me.

That's a hard one. I don't know how you can compromise when you both have different wants. Having a baby to make someone else happy isn't ideal. Did the issue of children not come up before you married or has one of you since changed your mind?

murphy01

eviltwin wrote: »

That's a hard one. I don't know how you can compromise when you both have different wants. Having a baby to make someone else happy isn't ideal. Did the issue of children not come up before you married or has one of you since changed your mind?

Sorry ya meant to clarify that... When I got married I totally thought I would be having children and the thought excited me but as I have moved into my 30s and I suppose gained more confidence and found a job I love, I've totally gone off the idea. However I don't think I have a choice.

wokingvoter

When my lifelong ( well we're 51 now) best friend was 15,16 she was already saying that she didn't want kids. She doesn't like kids. She likes cats. So she's never had a kid. She has no regrets st all and thinks now that she was "pre-programmed " not to want kids, and that lots of women are the same but they get swept up with the social pressure to "conform" and end up reluctant confused unhappy parents.
She didn't get married till she was 40 because she wanted to be sure that any marriage wouldn't suffer if the other half changed his mind and tried to change hers.
Her husband has 2 adult children from a previous relationship and 4 grandchildren who live abroad and her personal contact with them although civil, is minimal .

Speedwell

Oh, I love kids. I like their society, their ways of doing things, their modes of thought... I take them seriously as small, inexperienced humans, and I take my responsibility to them as a grownup equally seriously, and they like me for it. What I can't stand is babies. I would be perfectly all right if I was a wealthy Victorian woman with a wet nurse. My best friend in America and I are a great argument for "sister wives". She loves babies, and starts to lose the plot a little when they have minds and wills of their own and the words to express them. That is exactly where I pick up.

snoopy29

I understand how you feel murphy01, im kinda the same. I do feel though that while i dont feel ready right now i will look back in later life and regret it so maybe I just have to jump and go for it.

LegacyUser

I find it bizarre that people say "I don't like kids' therefore I don't want any.

Your own children are part of you, your flesh and blood. And they grow into adults. They're not commodities like a tv or a car. They're not the screaming toddlers in Tesco, they are part of you and the center of your world for many years.

When I had my first child, my entire universe changed from what I need to what they need. If someone wanted to think of themselves, and only themselves, I could understand they don't want to bring a child into the world.

But "not liking children" as a reason?? As I said in the past, it is akin to saying "I don't want my parents to grow old because I don't like old people".

January

Westhaven wrote: »

I find it bizarre that people say "I don't like kids' therefore I don't want any.

Your own children are part of you, your flesh and blood. And they grow into adults. They're not commodities like a tv or a car. They're not the screaming toddlers in Tesco, they are part of you and the center of your world for many years.

When I had my first child, my entire universe changed from what I need to what they need. If someone wanted to think of themselves, and only themselves, I could understand they don't want to bring a child into the world.

But "not liking children" as a reason?? As I said in the past, it is akin to saying "I don't want my parents to grow old because I don't like old people".

It's really not like saying that, it's two completely different things altogether.

Speedwell

Westhaven wrote: »

I find it bizarre that people say "I don't like kids' therefore I don't want any.

Your own children are part of you, your flesh and blood. And they grow into adults. They're not commodities like a tv or a car. They're not the screaming toddlers in Tesco, they are part of you and the center of your world for many years.

When I had my first child, my entire universe changed from what I need to what they need. If someone wanted to think of themselves, and only themselves, I could understand they don't want to bring a child into the world.

But "not liking children" as a reason?? As I said in the past, it is akin to saying "I don't want my parents to grow old because I don't like old people".

Oh, wise up, you don't really want people who dislike children to have them anyway, do you? Are you one of those people who think people who have kids because they want them are unselfish, whereas people who don't have kids because they don't want to raise an unwanted human being are selfish?

murphy01

Speedwell wrote: »

Oh, I love kids. I like their society, their ways of doing things, their modes of thought... I take them seriously as small, inexperienced humans, and I take my responsibility to them as a grownup equally seriously, and they like me for it. What I can't stand is babies. I would be perfectly all right if I was a wealthy Victorian woman with a wet nurse. My best friend in America and I are a great argument for "sister wives". She loves babies, and starts to lose the plot a little when they have minds and wills of their own and the words to express them. That is exactly where I pick up.

I really agree with this! I do love kids and I know I am a really good aunt...my nieces and nephews are all under 13 and they do love visiting...but like you Speedwell, babies do nothing for me. The stinky nappies, the crying and not knowing what they want...the buggies and all that goes with them...aghhh! However give me a cute kid (with manners!) and I adore them. I know that sounds precious but it's the truth. Couple of weeks ago I was on the Tube in London and a woman came in with a buggy and rammed the buggy against a guy's leg which was in a leg brace... all I was thinking was (a) poor guy (b) why in god's name would you bring a buggy on the London Underground...sounds like a hell of a lot of stress to me.
If I do have kids, honestly, they won't be coming to the supermarket (or public transport!) with me! For my sake, their sake and everyone else!

HandsomeDan

Nice ones do.

Speedwell

murphy01 wrote: »

I really agree with this! I do love kids and I know I am a really good aunt...my nieces and nephews are all under 13 and they do love visiting...but like you Speedwell, babies do nothing for me. The stinky nappies, the crying and not knowing what they want...the buggies and all that goes with them...aghhh! However give me a cute kid (with manners!) and I adore them. I know that sounds precious but it's the truth. Couple of weeks ago I was on the Tube in London and a woman came in with a buggy and rammed the buggy against a guy's leg which was in a leg brace... all I was thinking was (a) poor guy (b) why in god's name would you bring a buggy on the London Underground...sounds like a hell of a lot of stress to me.
If I do have kids, honestly, they won't be coming to the supermarket (or public transport!) with me! For my sake, their sake and everyone else!

Haha, yeah. I will never forget the day I was in the supermarket and a little girl sitting up smartly in the shopping cart next to mine said brightly, "Hey, lady, you're fat." I responded cheerfully, "Hey, kitten, you're short." We both had a good laugh. Her mother was horrified, but I just can't take offense at a four-year-old.

Speedwell

HandsomeDan wrote: »

Nice ones do.

Nice ones also don't.

HandsomeDan

Speedwell wrote: »

Nice ones also don't.

Yet to meet one. Women who give out about kids are usually evil wenches.

intheclouds

Westhaven wrote: »

I find it bizarre that people say "I don't like kids' therefore I don't want any.

Your own children are part of you, your flesh and blood. And they grow into adults. They're not commodities like a tv or a car. They're not the screaming toddlers in Tesco, they are part of you and the center of your world for many years.

When I had my first child, my entire universe changed from what I need to what they need. If someone wanted to think of themselves, and only themselves, I could understand they don't want to bring a child into the world.

But "not liking children" as a reason?? As I said in the past, it is akin to saying "I don't want my parents to grow old because I don't like old people".

Yawn, its not selfish to do something you want to do (have kids) but it is selfish to do something you want to do (not have kids).

Get a grip would you? Not everyone would like to be a parent.

I am thankful that these people at least have choices now rather than children being raised by people who didnt want them in the first place!

And its nothing like not wanting your parents to get old because you dont like old people - you have a choice to have children or not, you dont get that choice about having parents.

Op Im female and Ive never wanted children. My husband feels the same way - we couldnt have gotten married if we werent on the same page about it.

Ive just no interest in kids, never did.