Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

Do most women have a strong desire to have a baby??

Options
2

Comments

  • Options
    #32
    murphy01
    Registered Users Posts: 34 ✭murphy01


    HandsomeDan wrote: »
    Nice ones do.

    See this is exactly the stereotype I am up against. I and others who choose not to have kids are seen as evil, selfish etc. Ok yes it might be a selfish decision but it's a measured one. I can guarantee you there are many women out there who had a child just because society calls them to or they had pressure from family.
    I like to take measured approaches to decisions and know what I am getting into. Plus I am actually a very nice person!


  • Options
    #33
    Speedwell
    Registered Users Posts: 3,809 ✭✭✭Speedwell


    HandsomeDan wrote: »
    Yet to meet one. Women who give out about kids are usually evil wenches.

    You're a man, are you? Obviously your definition of a "nice woman" includes someone who likes to have your babies. So noted. Now, back to reality...


  • Options
    #34
    intheclouds
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,175 ✭✭✭intheclouds


    HandsomeDan wrote: »
    Yet to meet one. Women who give out about kids are usually evil wenches.

    ooh - we got a troll!


  • Options
    #35
    intheclouds
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,175 ✭✭✭intheclouds


    murphy01 wrote: »
    See this is exactly the stereotype I am up against. I and others who choose not to have kids are seen as evil, selfish etc. Ok yes it might be a selfish decision but it's a measured one. I can guarantee you there are many women out there who had a child just because society calls them to or they had pressure from family.
    I like to take measured approaches to decisions and know what I am getting into. Plus I am actually a very nice person!

    Ah come on, youre not really comparing that knuckle dragging comment with reality?


  • Options
    #36
    murphy01
    Registered Users Posts: 34 ✭murphy01


    intheclouds wrote: »
    Ah come on, youre not really comparing that knuckle dragging comment with reality?

    No I definitely think that if people knew that I was choosing (at the moment) not to have children they would see it as being mean or nasty or weird... unfortunately I do think that would be popular opinion. People are so narrow minded about this unfortunately!


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #37
    HandsomeDan
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 843 ✭✭✭HandsomeDan


    intheclouds wrote: »
    ooh - we got a troll!

    Truth stings like a bitch, eh?


  • Options
    #38
    intheclouds
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,175 ✭✭✭intheclouds


    HandsomeDan wrote: »
    Truth stings like a bitch, eh?

    What - the truth that youre trolling?

    Cant say it bothers me one way or the other, you get your kicks however you choose.


  • Options
    #39
    intheclouds
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,175 ✭✭✭intheclouds


    murphy01 wrote: »
    No I definitely think that if people knew that I was choosing (at the moment) not to have children they would see it as being mean or nasty or weird... unfortunately I do think that would be popular opinion. People are so narrow minded about this unfortunately!

    Cant say Ive experienced much negativity about it.

    More surprise.


  • Options
    #40
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Speedwell wrote: »
    Oh, wise up, you don't really want people who dislike children to have them anyway, do you? Are you one of those people who think people who have kids because they want them are unselfish, whereas people who don't have kids because they don't want to raise an unwanted human being are selfish?

    Yes I am, it is clearly more selfish to look after only yourself rather than bringing up children. Ask any couple with a sick child on a Saturday night who they are concerned about, it sure as hell isn't themselves. Ask a couple paying out thousands to an Orthodontist rather than going on holidays who they are concerned about, it sure as hell isn't themselves.


    Deciding to have a child may seem selfish, but raising them is far from it.

    It's got nothing to do with liking babies or children or your nieces and nephews ffs.


  • Options
    #41
    Speedwell
    Registered Users Posts: 3,809 ✭✭✭Speedwell


    murphy01 wrote: »
    No I definitely think that if people knew that I was choosing (at the moment) not to have children they would see it as being mean or nasty or weird... unfortunately I do think that would be popular opinion. People are so narrow minded about this unfortunately!

    I think it would be instructive to note who the narrow-minded people are. Old people, people who have never considered the question with respect to themselves, people with other than typically female reproductive anatomy, people who like putting down other people, people who believe they have some say in what you do with your fertility...


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #42
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    Most people won't care. I remember when my friend told me she didn't want kids feeling a bit sad for her because I was projecting my idea of happy onto her. Now I see that she is perfectly content with her life as it is. She's great with children but it's just not for her. Some people are very involved in other people's lives and the decisions they make and that seems to be acceptable when its the issue of kids but its not something you should ever have to justify. If it helps parents get it too, always being asked if you will have another, go for the boy/girl etc. I think we can all empathise.


  • Options
    #43
    Dolbert
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,154 ✭✭✭Dolbert


    murphy01 wrote: »
    why in god's name would you bring a buggy on the London Underground...sounds like a hell of a lot of stress to me.
    ...
    If I do have kids, honestly, they won't be coming to the supermarket (or public transport!) with me! For my sake, their sake and everyone else!

    This is not aimed at you specifically but the attitude that children shouldn't be out in public really annoys me, as it gives no consideration to what exactly the parent is supposed to do otherwise.

    Generally speaking, when people go to the supermarket or on public transport with their small children, it's because they don't have much choice. It can be *really* intimidating for new mothers to leave the house with their babies, and getting over that can be the difference between gaining confidence and developing post-natal depression. The fear of judgement and tutting from bystanders if your baby or toddler (inevitably) starts to cry can mean some women feel like they can't leave the house. I remember my son kicking off in Aldi and a woman in the queue smiled at me and just said "you're doing great", I honestly could have hugged her.

    Bringing your small child to a fancy restaurant or art installation = stupid and annoying

    Bringing your small child on the bus/to the shops = often absolutely necessary

    Sometimes a little solidarity and understanding goes a long way.


  • Options
    #44
    murphy01
    Registered Users Posts: 34 ✭murphy01


    Dolbert wrote: »
    This is not aimed at you specifically but the attitude that children shouldn't be out in public really annoys me, as it gives no consideration to what exactly the parent is supposed to do otherwise.

    Generally speaking, when people go to the supermarket or on public transport with their small children, it's because they don't have much choice. It can be *really* intimidating for new mothers to leave the house with their babies, and getting over that can be the difference between gaining confidence and developing post-natal depression. The fear of judgement and tutting from bystanders if your baby or toddler (inevitably) starts to cry can mean some women feel like they can't leave the house. I remember my son kicking off in Aldi and a woman in the queue smiled at me and just said "you're doing great", I honestly could have hugged her.

    Bringing your small child to a fancy restaurant or art installation = stupid and annoying

    Bringing your small child on the bus/to the shops = often absolutely necessary

    Sometimes a little solidarity and understanding goes a long way.

    Ya good points, well made. Apologies for my ignorance on the public transport element; what you say makes total sense.


  • Options
    #45
    secondrowgal
    Registered Users Posts: 1,062 ✭✭✭secondrowgal


    murphy01 wrote: »
    No I definitely think that if people knew that I was choosing (at the moment) not to have children they would see it as being mean or nasty or weird... unfortunately I do think that would be popular opinion. People are so narrow minded about this unfortunately!

    Hi murphy01, can I ask - what people specifically? And why do these particular people's opinions matter to you? And even if their opinion does matter, should it have more importance in your life than your own opinion Why does it matter to you if your decision is popular or not? Why does it matter to you if people are narrow minded about this or not?

    I am not in any way, shape or form having a go at you! I think that you should do exactly as you see fit for you, and nobody else but you. I am just trying to help you to explore your own reservations and see if you really need to be having them at all!! :D It's kind of hard to do this in text form! :p


  • Options
    #46
    January
    Closed Accounts Posts: 23,862 ✭✭✭✭January


    If posters have a problem with another post please report it rather than calling it out on thread. Trolling will not be tolerated either. Mods are keeping an eye on this thread.


  • Options
    #47
    Speedwell
    Registered Users Posts: 3,809 ✭✭✭Speedwell


    Westhaven wrote: »
    Yes I am, it is clearly more selfish to look after only yourself rather than bringing up children. Ask any couple with a sick child on a Saturday night who they are concerned about, it sure as hell isn't themselves. Ask a couple paying out thousands to an Orthodontist rather than going on holidays who they are concerned about, it sure as hell isn't themselves.


    Deciding to have a child may seem selfish, but raising them is far from it.

    It's got nothing to do with liking babies or children or your nieces and nephews ffs.

    There are those who would argue that bringing a child into the world who needs that level of expensive care is selfish. I'm not one of those people. I'm also not a person who thinks the only, or even the primary, way to prove your unselfishness and virtue is by having children, and I'm also not the sort of person who sneers at people for making decisions about what they think is right for them as regards their own fertility.


  • Options
    #48
    murphy01
    Registered Users Posts: 34 ✭murphy01


    secondrowgal wrote: »
    Hi murphy01, can I ask - what people specifically? And why do these particular people's opinions matter to you? And even if their opinion does matter, should it have more importance in your life than your own opinion Why does it matter to you if your decision is popular or not? Why does it matter to you if people are narrow minded about this or not?

    I am not in any way, shape or form having a go at you! I think that you should do exactly as you see fit for you, and nobody else but you. I am just trying to help you to explore your own reservations and see if you really need to be having them at all!! :D It's kind of hard to do this in text form! :p

    Ya maybe you're right... I suppose I can't help what people think and it shouldn't be the issue. To be honest it's more about leaving down my husband as I know he really wants one and he would make such a great Dad. Thanks for the advice and I know you're not having a dig.


  • Options
    #49
    kinsy
    Registered Users Posts: 116 ✭✭kinsy


    Westhaven wrote: »
    Yes I am, it is clearly more selfish to look after only yourself rather than bringing up children. Ask any couple with a sick child on a Saturday night who they are concerned about, it sure as hell isn't themselves. Ask a couple paying out thousands to an Orthodontist rather than going on holidays who they are concerned about, it sure as hell isn't themselves.


    Deciding to have a child may seem selfish, but raising them is far from it.

    It's got nothing to do with liking babies or children or your nieces and nephews ffs.

    I don't want to have children because on an existential level I fear for the world I would bring them into.
    I also worry that I wouldn't be a good enough mother, that any children would inherit my anxiety and my predisposition to bouts of depression.

    Not everyone forgoes having children because they only want to worry about themselves, for some of us it is a deeply complicated and distressing decision.

    Anyway, if people decide not to have children just because they don't want to have to worry about anyone but themselves, what does that matter? Better that than having children and not worrying about them enough. You seem to be making out like there is some sort of martyr competition going on.



    OP, I'm a 30 something woman and I don't really have any strong desire to have a baby. I get bursts of what I guess is broodiness but nothing that has stuck enough to get me past what I've mentioned earlier in my post. That may change- I simply do not know.

    Thankfully, for the most part my friends and family who know my position are supportive.


  • Options
    #50
    Triceratops Ballet
    Registered Users Posts: 4,894 ✭✭✭Triceratops Ballet


    I'm coming up on 33, and I've always said I don't want kids. Everyone told me I'd change my mind when I got older, I'm still waiting for it to happen.

    I have a few reasons to not want them but nobody is horrified at the fact, I think people would be more shocked if I did.

    I'm aware that this may change in the future and by then it might be too late, but I've reconciled myself with that, If I wake up in 5/6 years to find I want a baby and can't have one that will have to be a bridge I cross then, but it seems illogical to me to have a child now on the off chance that I might change my mind. If it comes to it adoption is the route I'll go down.

    I mostly feel I'll be happy enough as auntie to any nieces and nephews that come along. I love kids as in little people but I've never been mad for babies I don't coo or ask to hold them when someone has one, I don't ache to smell their heads, or know how they feed. It's just not me never has been.

    I'm sure if I unexpectedly got pregnant, and I HAD to do it, I could and I'd be happy enough,and I'd be a good mother but as a matter of choice it won't be one I make


  • Options
    #51
    Moonbeam
    Moderators, Education Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 18,953 Mod ✭✭✭✭Moonbeam


    *Mod Note*

    Please do not feed the trolls.

    Everyone is entitled to their needs and wants out of life including whether they want to have kids or not.
    Please take other peoples feelings and choices in to opinion before commenting on this thread.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #52
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I think it is short-sighted to base a decision on whether to have children or not on whether you like babies. They are babies and toddlers for a very short time.

    A better question would be whether you want to be in your 50's with no sons or daughters. Or in your 70's with no sons, daughters or grandchildren.

    For me, it was an easy question to answer. My children are very young still, but I look forward to seeing them in University, graduating, being at their weddings and meeting my first grandchild.

    I'm not mad on the baby years myself, but they pass too quickly.


  • Options
    #53
    intheclouds
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,175 ✭✭✭intheclouds


    Westhaven wrote: »
    I think it is short-sighted to base a decision on whether to have children or not on whether you like babies. They are babies and toddlers for a very short time.

    A better question would be whether you want to be in your 50's with no sons or daughters. Or in your 70's with no sons, daughters or grandchildren.

    For me the answer to the above question is that Id never miss what I never had.

    The question I asked (besides not feeling even slightly maternal) was "Do I want to have responsibility for another person or people for 18+ years" and the answer to that was an absolutely resounding no.


  • Options
    #54
    kinsy
    Registered Users Posts: 116 ✭✭kinsy


    Westhaven wrote: »
    I think it is short-sighted to base a decision on whether to have children or not on whether you like babies. They are babies and toddlers for a very short time.

    A better question would be whether you want to be in your 50's with no sons or daughters. Or in your 70's with no sons, daughters or grandchildren.

    For me, it was an easy question to answer. My children are very young still, but I look forward to seeing them in University, graduating, being at their weddings and meeting my first grandchild.

    I'm not mad on the baby years myself, but they pass too quickly.

    Well honestly, you're very lucky it was easy to answer. I mean that sincerely and not in a snide way. For some of us it's not.


  • Options
    #55
    Speedwell
    Registered Users Posts: 3,809 ✭✭✭Speedwell


    Westhaven wrote: »
    I think it is short-sighted to base a decision on whether to have children or not on whether you like babies. They are babies and toddlers for a very short time.<snip>I'm not mad on the baby years myself, but they pass too quickly.

    See, I have always been of the opinion that the baby and toddler years are of critical importance; in fact that they're so critical that I considered myself underqualified to deal with them adequately on my own. I've never been one to consider "well I wasn't raised properly and I still turned out OK" a defensible argument.


  • Options
    #56
    Triceratops Ballet
    Registered Users Posts: 4,894 ✭✭✭Triceratops Ballet


    Westhaven wrote: »

    A better question would be whether you want to be in your 50's with no sons or daughters. Or in your 70's with no sons, daughters or grandchildren.

    I think the decision to not have kids is not one that women have the luxury of taking lightly, there's so much social pressure and expectation that you're just going to do it, that there is no possible way you could make it based on the fact that you don't like babies

    Some of the questions I've considered in my road to making this decision are:
    • Do I want to get pregnant
    • Do I want to have a baby
    • Could I cope with being on maternity leave
    • Could I cope with post natal depression (runs in my family)
    • Do I want to be solely responsible for the life of another human
    • Do I want this other human to be the focus of my life for 18+ years
    • Do I want to be responsible for forming this human into a fully functioning member of society, knowing that all the decisions I make about their life and care will shape the person they become (years of counselling have taught me that even off the cuff comments made by my own parents have really affected the way I am, and my mental health)
    • Can I bear the pressure of all of the above even if I did want to do it
    • If I can't bear that pressure would it be fair to a child to put them in that position
    • Can I assume the financial responsibility for another human, for (let's face it) 20+ years.
    • Can I bear the burden of anxiety that the teenage years will bring
    • Would I rather enjoy my retirement than have to worry about my kids in college
    • Do I have a great desire to have a child

    My takeaway has always been that, I'm not for motherhood and It's not for me.
    I imagine it's as difficult for parents to understand my pov as it is for me to understand theirs.


  • Options
    #57
    Speedwell
    Registered Users Posts: 3,809 ✭✭✭Speedwell


    dottie_lottie wrote: »
    Some of the questions I've considered in my road to making this decision are:

    Best post ever.


  • Options
    #58
    intheclouds
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,175 ✭✭✭intheclouds


    Westhaven wrote: »
    A better question would be whether you want to be in your 50's with no sons or daughters. Or in your 70's with no sons, daughters or grandchildren.

    To be fair, there is no guarantee you will have your children around in your 50s or on into your 70s.

    People die, emigrate, become estranged, move far away, get busy with their own lives, develop addictions and disappear etc...


  • Options
    #59
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    dottie_lottie wrote: »
    I think the decision to not have kids is not one that women have the luxury of taking lightly, there's so much social pressure and expectation that you're just going to do it

    There is no social pressure. No one cares except your friends and family, those who care about you.

    I suspect they want to make sure you don't make a lifelong irreversible decision without thinking it through and appreciating that people change.


  • Options
    #60
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    intheclouds wrote: »
    To be fair, there is no guarantee you will have your children around in your 50s or on into your 70s.

    People die, emigrate, become estranged, move far away, get busy with their own lives, develop addictions and disappear etc...

    Don't know what point you are making here? So don't bother having children then?


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #61
    Speedwell
    Registered Users Posts: 3,809 ✭✭✭Speedwell


    Westhaven wrote: »
    Don't know what point you are making here? So don't bother having children then?

    I think the point is that scaring yourself with made-up what-if scenarios is not the way to decide whether or not to make a commitment to bearing and raising children to the best of your ability.


Advertisement