Why does my wife hate my Daughter?

ed94

I have a daughter from a previous relationship. My wife was aware of my daughter before we were married (she was aware of her since she was born), Anyhow to cut a long story short, The mother of my daughter moved away and I never seen my daughter again for 25 years. I eventually found her with the help of the internet ( and the encouragement of my wife) when this happened all hell broke loose, my wife freaked out and we had some terrible rows (my daughter has children so that made me a grandfather). it has been over 6 years now since I found my daughter and we have a good relationship (in fact we bonded immediately) me and my wife have been to visit her many times (twice a year) and all seems well, however i mentioned that my daughter was coming to visit for a couple of days and the wife freaked out again saying I will never understand how she feels I keep rubbing her nose "in it", I asked for her to explain what she means but i just get the "you wouldn't understand" routine and then she tells me that she (daughter) is not welcome in "her" house as the next thing is she will be visiting "every weekend". she has been here once in six years and that was 4 years ago and the wife wasn't even here at the time.
She cannot explain what the issue is does anyone have any advice, this is driving me mad to an extreme and it is having a bad affect on my mental well being. Any non judgemental advice would be appreciated. no one else lives here and the children myself and the wife have live close enough and visit regularly, neither of them have any children yet everyone in the family both close and extended have a good relationship with my "other daughter" except my wife.

goldenhoarde

Do you and you wife have children? if not she may regret not having any and this is the cause?

ed94

goldenhoarde wrote: »

Do you and you wife have children? if not she may regret not having any and this is the cause?

we do, says so in the last paragraph of my post.

Estrellita

Her behaviour seems unreasonable. Does she feel threatened about your daughter in your life, do you think? Or her family unit with you? Perhaps it 'suited' her that your daughter was out of the picture all these years, and she feels put out by the reconnection.

Her wording 'you wouldn't understand, have you pushed her a bit on this? Tell her you want to understand, and how much this is hurting you.

I'm just guessing what the issue might be,only the lady herself can tell you what is wrong with you connecting with your daughter.

godtabh

Rather then tell her that your daughter was coming should you not have asked her?

kunst nugget

godtabh wrote: »

Rather then tell her that your daughter was coming should you not have asked her?

Why should he have to ask his wife's permission to allow his daughter to visit?

ed94

Estrellita wrote: »

Her wording 'you wouldn't understand, have you pushed her a bit on this? Tell her you want to understand, and how much this is hurting you.

I have asked a thousand times, i don't think she knows herself

godtabh wrote: »

Rather then tell her that your daughter was coming should you not have asked her?

Well I don't see why I need permission for my daughter to visit me, she would of been in the house for a maximum of about 14 hrs. I have never ever objected to anyone coming here or staying here over the years and neither has my wife. she would of seen them for no more than a couple of hours when they would be here (cos of work) I mean a few hours out of 6 years?
On a side note, it is our home but I bought this house on my own and paid off the mortgage on my own, I can only imagine what the wife would say if i said that to her.
Our other kids over the years have had boyfriends / girlfriends stay over that was never an issue.

groovyg

Op its seems very strange that your wife encouraged you to look for your daughter, then when you found her it caused all sorts of rows and now she doesn't want her visiting. I think you need to have a serious discussion with your wife and find out why she doesn't like your daughter when she encouraged you to look for her.
Did she think that once you found her you weren't going to get in contact?
Could she feel you that you value the kids you have together less now that you have found your daughter. Its seems strange but she could be jealous/insecure of the relationship you have with your daughter!
By the way its lovely to hear despite you missing out on a massive chunk of your daughters life that its working out well for ye.

Estrellita

ed94 wrote: »

I have asked a thousand times, i don't think she knows herself.

She knows alright. I don't think she wants to tell you because she knows she will sound unreasonable.

You should tell her that you are going to invite your daughter around every so often. you would rather she was on board, and played a part in her life too.

Your wife feeling cut out or threatened by your reconnection is the only thing I can deduce from her behaviour. If she felt included and part of this perhaps she will adjust. It does sound like she hasn't gotten her head around it.

goldenhoarde

ed94 wrote: »

we do, says so in the last paragraph of my post.

Apologies I misread that hence my question?

Could it be that your wife sees that maybe you appear to have a better relationship with this daughter than the children you too have together?

^ pretty much what groveyg has just posted!

You need to get to the bottom of this issue and who paid for the house won't really get you anywhere (if you wife wasn't working then was she minding your kids - unpaid!!!)

Also your wife may have a fear that seeing your daughter may rekindle feelings for her mother? May be irrational! but could be what she thinks/feels?

irish_dave_83

groovyg wrote: »

Op its seems very strange that your wife encouraged you to look for your daughter, then when you found her it caused all sorts of rows and now she doesn't want her visiting. I think you need to have a serious discussion with your wife and find out why she doesn't like your daughter when she encouraged you to look for her.
Did she think that once you found her you weren't going to get in contact?
Could she feel you that you value the kids you have together less now that you have found your daughter. Its seems strange but she could be jealous/insecure of the relationship you have with your daughter!
By the way its lovely to hear despite you missing out on a massive chunk of your daughters life that its working out well for ye.

This!!!

You obviously love your daughter in a way that she never can. Plus you have these new feelings about being a grandfather and she maybe does not feel like a grandmother or does not want to feel like a grandmother. Its Irrational jealousy I would say, we have all experienced it at one stage in our lives, maybe not over something as important though.

Aimeee

What age are your children with your wife? Sounds from your post they are grown up but haven't their own children yet etc? So I'm just wondering if your wife has feelings around the issue of you being a grandfather already but she isn't a grandmother yet but would like to be/is looking forward to it but not wanting to rush it either. Very confusing feelings. I can't explain it properly but you may understand what i mean. She mightn't even understand it herself really.
I remember years ago my friend's ister got pregnant accidentally (very young etcetc) and it caused all sorts of strange feelings for my friend as she was the eldest, fist married etc and the sister went and 'broke the rules' in a way. I'm using that term loosely as the sister didn't want to be pregnant at the time. However they were all very excited about the baby at the same time hence the mixed up feelings. It's one of those situations where you feel silly for even having those feelings too as there are no rules to families etc.
I have no idea how you would broach this with your wife though. Great that you have good relations with your daughter & now grandchildren. I hope your wife comes around. Best of luck.

ed94

groovyg wrote: »

Op its seems very strange that your wife encouraged you to look for your daughter, then when you found her it caused all sorts of rows and now she doesn't want her visiting. I think you need to have a serious discussion with your wife and find out why she doesn't like your daughter when she encouraged you to look for her.
Did she think that once you found her you weren't going to get in contact?
Could she feel you that you value the kids you have together less now that you have found your daughter. Its seems strange but she could be jealous/insecure of the relationship you have with your daughter!

Strange is not the word, I have asked this over and over. I am convinced that her encouragement was insincere and she probably thought I would never find and reconnect with her.
I most certainly do not have a better relationship with my daughter than with my other kids.

Estrellita wrote: »

She knows alright. I don't think she wants to tell you because she knows she will sound unreasonable.

You should tell her that you are going to invite your daughter around every so often.

Your wife feeling cut out or threatened by your reconnection is the only thing I can deduce from her behaviour. If she felt included and part of this perhaps she will adjust. It does sound like she hasn't gotten her head around it.

My daughter does not live in Ireland. i nor my daughter have ever tried to exclude my wife from our relationship in fact quite the opposite.

goldenhoarde wrote: »

Could it be that your wife sees that maybe you appear to have a better relationship with this daughter than the children you too have together?

You need to get to the bottom of this issue and who paid for the house won't really get you anywhere (if you wife wasn't working then was she minding your kids - unpaid!!!)

Also your wife may have a fear that seeing your daughter may rekindle feelings for her mother?

definitely no difference in the relationship I have with of all the children.
You are of course correct about the house but when she (wife) starts laying down the law "she's not welcome in my house" it just angers me and i do feel like saying that to her, I have not said it to her nor would I I'm just trying to vent on here a little. it is our home after all.
Initially I thought the same about the rekindling, her mother has been married ( within a year of her leaving me) for over 30 years she has several children (grown up) and several step children) We were never really in love and tbh our daughter was not planned and I don't think we would ever of stayed together for life (another story). My daughter got married and that meant i was going to see her mother for the first time in years ( 3 years after i found my daughter) so 28 years in total. my other children and relatives went to the wedding all was good. I have no feelings whatsoever for my daughters mother and my wife is fully aware of this.

dixiefly

Hi Ed,
sorry to hear about this. Based on your story given here, your wife is being totally unreasonable. It is very strange that she would do this knowing that it is so important to you.

What I think I would do is to throw it back on her and ask her to suggest what she thinks is reasonable for your relationship and also whether it is reasonable for your relationship with this daughter to be on a lower level to your relationship with the other children from the marriage. it will be very difficult for her to justify exclusion of your daughter.

It should also be clear to her that this will have a detrimental effect on your relationship (with your wife). This is what suprises me and I wonder is she all that concerned about your relationship if she is behaving like this?

Either way I would be doing what it takes to facilitate my own daughter to visit me in my home.

orthsquel

ed94 wrote: »

however i mentioned that my daughter was coming to visit for a couple of days and the wife freaked out again saying I will never understand how she feels I keep rubbing her nose "in it", I asked for her to explain what she means but i just get the "you wouldn't understand" routine and then she tells me that she (daughter) is not welcome in "her" house as the next thing is she will be visiting "every weekend". she has been here once in six years and that was 4 years ago and the wife wasn't even here at the time.

I think from your wife's perspective the house, even if paid for solely by you, is her house, in that she has made it a home, a family home where she has raised her children in and maintained for years; to her it's full of memories, family occasions, birthdays, etc so maybe having who she considers an outsider to all that is like she's contaminating all of it. Plus the matter was not discussed with her, but the house is her home, always has been, yet someone is being welcomed in to the house, her home, her family even though she has not had a say in it. Any feeling of this being your wife's home is taken away from her when you decide without discussing it with her that your daughter to coming to stay, because she doesn't have input on it.

She might be feeling devalued and everything that she has created over the years with the house, her house her family home is being eroded by her feeling that her home is not really her home when you choose to make a decision that impacts her memories etc.

Aside to that I'd also consider the possibility that your daughter may be bringing her own child with her at some stage and your wife might not be comfortable with the idea of a grandchild that is yours, but not hers in her home.

I could be completely and utterly wrong on that but it's what struck me when I read through the thread.

ed94

orthsquel wrote: »

I think from your wife's perspective the house, even if paid for solely by you, is her house, in that she has made it a home, a family home where she has raised her children in and maintained for years; to her it's full of memories, family occasions, birthdays, etc so maybe having who she considers an outsider to all that is like she's contaminating all of it. Plus the matter was not discussed with her, but the house is her home, always has been, yet someone is being welcomed in to the house, her home, her family even though she has not had a say in it. Any feeling of this being your wife's home is taken away from her when you decide without discussing it with her that your daughter to coming to stay, because she doesn't have input on it.

She might be feeling devalued and everything that she has created over the years with the house, her house her family home is being eroded by her feeling that her home is not really her home when you choose to make a decision that impacts her memories etc.

Aside to that I'd also consider the possibility that your daughter may be bringing her own child with her at some stage and your wife might not be comfortable with the idea of a grandchild that is yours, but not hers in her home.

I could be completely and utterly wrong on that but it's what struck me when I read through the thread.

so you think she sees my daughter as a contamination of her house? wow that's a tough one. she (wife) has had most of her family here over the years including a couple of junkies (wife "ah god love them its not their fault they take drugs") we've had dogs and cats that have **** in this house and sprayed in this house but from what you read you got to contamination??? are you my wife? come on come clean....

I have to disagree with your post but thank you for taking the time to reply.

orthsquel

Well I'm definitely not your wife .... contamination is the wrong word and I didn't mean to cause offence. I don't think you having the world and his wife stay in the past would be to your wife on the same level as having your daughter stay. Even if you assume and take it for granted there wouldn't be a problem, clearly there is because she is differentiating between practical strangers with ties to her children, her family with their problems etc and someone who is a stranger to her but not you, but at which she has no personal relationship with and may not want to have one, even for your sake.

At the end of the day if you really want to get to the root of it you're just going to have to sit down and communicate directly with her.

Yintang

OP, do you think your daughter and your wife may have had words/an argument of some sort at one of the previous visits - was there a time when they were alone together and may have had some sort of falling out?

iguana

ed94 wrote: »

so you think she sees my daughter as a contamination of her house? wow that's a tough one. she (wife) has had most of her family here over the years including a couple of junkies (wife "ah god love them its not their fault they take drugs") we've had dogs and cats that have **** in this house and sprayed in this house but from what you read you got to contamination??? are you my wife? come on come clean....

I have to disagree with your post but thank you for taking the time to reply.

Orthsquel was trying to help you and you have reacted so rudely, I have to wonder if you have an attitude like that with your wife. I understand that this is a very tough situation for you. You love your daughter and your grandchildren and your wife certainly seems to want them out of your life. In a similar situation I'd feel torn in two and also quite angry and frustrated. But the way you have lashed out at someone who is kindly giving up his/her own time to help you, does make me wonder if you are naturally so over-sensitive and, to be frank, nasty. Maybe you have completely steam-rolled over your wife's feelings on what is a massive adjustment for her. Maybe when your wife says 'you wouldn't understand' it's because you have form for not making an effort to understand? Some of the comments you've made about her family and who paid for the house are also indicative of that. (And btw, legally regardless of who paid for the house, it is half your wife's. So I wouldn't go down the my money - my house route. You could find yourself with no wife and half a house.)

sbsquarepants

Something doesn't add up - your wife encouraged you to find your daughter and as soon as you did she didn't want to know?

Have they had a row or something? Does she feel your daughter is up to no good perhaps? Does she resent time and money being spent on someone who is essentially a stranger as far as she's concerned?

Or maybe it's as simple as she never really did support the idea, but just thought you'd never actually find her and when you did her bluff was called?

I'll probably get lambasted for this but if I was you I wouldn't be long in telling her that this is how things are now, if you hate it that much there's the door. I have adult kids from a previous relationship myself, ie they don't "need" me in their lives as such but no way am I letting anyone cut them out - if the missus doesn't like it then she'll just have to lump it. If she can't do that then she can leave whenever she feels like it - it really is as simple as that.

Neyite

Would there be any potential inheritance issues? It's such a mystery, so I'll just throw that theory out there - maybe she feels that your daughter would get a share (or attempt to claim a share) of an inheritance or asset of yours and therefore reduce the inheritance that your children in your marriage would get. That if she prevents you from creating a relationship with your daughter you'd be less likely to will her stuff?

Or would there be a religious element - viewing a child born out of wedlock as less equal to those born inside of marriage?

Would she be willing to go to counselling to discuss this, do you think? I think you need it. Ultimately, she is forcing you to choose between your wife, and your daughter and without giving you the courtesy of an explanation as to why, because this is a potential deal-breaker. If she gave up a child for adoption years ago who returned to build a relationship with a birth mother and you behaved like she is doing now, you'd be quite rightly slated for being a controlling arse of a spouse. It's a highly unreasonable demand for any spouse, and more so when there is no valid reason given.

liquoriceall

You said in your OP that she knew about the child from when she was born? Was there some element of an overlap in the relationships? If so then it is very likely she is unhappy still about this

ed94

Yintang wrote: »

OP, do you think your daughter and your wife may have had words/an argument of some sort at one of the previous visits - was there a time when they were alone together and may have had some sort of falling out?

Definitely not.

iguana wrote: »

Orthsquel was trying to help you and you have reacted so rudely, I have to wonder if you have an attitude like that with your wife. But the way you have lashed out at someone who is kindly giving up his/her own time to help you, does make me wonder if you are naturally so over-sensitive and, to be frank, nasty. Maybe you have completely steam-rolled over your wife's feelings on what is a massive adjustment for her. Maybe when your wife says 'you wouldn't understand' it's because you have form for not making an effort to understand? Some of the comments you've made about her family and who paid for the house are also indicative of that. (And btw, legally regardless of who paid for the house, it is half your wife's. So I wouldn't go down the my money - my house route. You could find yourself with no wife and half a house.)

When was i rude?, by not agreeing to their comment? I said I disagreed with their comment and thanked them for commenting how is that being rude?. You have no idea as to my attitude and if you are basing your opinion on my response to Orthsquel then you are, how you are describing me, "rude" "nasty" "have form for not understanding" sounds to me like you are having a personal attack on me. I think you as a MODERATOR should be more accurate and measured in your response. Any comments I have made about MY family situation are based on fact. I did not ask anyone on here for legal advise in relation to the ownership and rights under law of my house (our home). Maybe half a house and no wife might be a better solution to the situation. That might at least take away the pressure.

sbsquarepants wrote: »

Or maybe it's as simple as she never really did support the idea, but just thought you'd never actually find her and when you did her bluff was called?

I'll probably get lambasted for this but if I was you I wouldn't be long in telling her that this is how things are now, if you hate it that much there's the door. I have adult kids from a previous relationship myself, ie they don't "need" me in their lives as such but no way am I letting anyone cut them out - if the missus doesn't like it then she'll just have to lump it. If she can't do that then she can leave whenever she feels like it - it really is as simple as that.

I believe that she never really supported the idea and to be honest I found it very difficult trying to get info over the years in relation to finding her, only for the internet I would never of got back in contact. Like it or lump eh? I wish I could say that to her but i am weak and I cannot handle anymore arguments over it it has me worn down to my lowest ebb.

Neyite wrote: »

Would there be any potential inheritance issues? It's such a mystery, so I'll just throw that theory out there - maybe she feels that your daughter would get a share (or attempt to claim a share) of an inheritance or asset of yours and therefore reduce the inheritance that your children in your marriage would get. That if she prevents you from creating a relationship with your daughter you'd be less likely to will her stuff?

Or would there be a religious element - viewing a child born out of wedlock as less equal to those born inside of marriage?

Would she be willing to go to counselling to discuss this, do you think? I think you need it. Ultimately, she is forcing you to choose between your wife, and your daughter and without giving you the courtesy of an explanation as to why, because this is a potential deal-breaker. If she gave up a child for adoption years ago who returned to build a relationship with a birth mother and you behaved like she is doing now, you'd be quite rightly slated for being a controlling arse of a spouse. It's a highly unreasonable demand for any spouse, and more so when there is no valid reason given.

inheritance is not an issue
religion isn't either, like I have said i have tried everything to try talk about this but it just ends up in a shouting match, in reality I have given up.

liquoriceall wrote: »

You said in your OP that she knew about the child from when she was born? Was there some element of an overlap in the relationships? If so then it is very likely she is unhappy still about this

Good point, but I do not think that is an issue. obviously she is unhappy about the situation but I was not dating my wife when my daughter was born. we started dating about 8 months after she left (daughters mother). we (me and wife) had known each other prior to all of this for several years.

implausible

ed94 wrote: »

however i mentioned that my daughter was coming to visit for a couple of days and the wife freaked out again saying I will never understand how she feels I keep rubbing her nose "in it", I asked for her to explain what she means but i just get the "you wouldn't understand" routine and then she tells me that she (daughter) is not welcome in "her" house as the next thing is she will be visiting "every weekend".

Is she annoyed that she has no grandchildren and now you have one? This might be what she means about rubbing her nose in it? How do your other children feel? Maybe your wife is expressing (badly) concerns that they might have about losing some of their dad's attention.

December2012

from what you've said I think she's annoyed that you didn't ask her, and your communication as a couple is bad. If she can't tell you how she feels, it may be that you dont listen.

How is your communication on other issues?

ed94

December2012 wrote: »

from what you've said I think she's annoyed that you didn't ask her, and your communication as a couple is bad. If she can't tell you how she feels, it may be that you dont listen.

How is your communication on other issues?

I can't listen if nothing is being said, don't just assume I do not listen. we never had a single problem in our marriage until I reconnected with my Daughter.

ed94

implausible wrote: »

Is she annoyed that she has no grandchildren and now you have one? This might be what she means about rubbing her nose in it? How do your other children feel? Maybe your wife is expressing (badly) concerns that they might have about losing some of their dad's attention.

The grandchildren I think are an issue for her, but I never asked or tried to force them on her or asked her to be their "granny". She never asks about the grandchildren or the Daughter, ever, it's just like they don't exist in her eyes (that is fair enough if that is how she feels) however I don't think telling me they are not welcome in the house is fair. I have worked it out, if they stayed here for a couple of days, my wife (at the most) would see them maybe 2 hrs if that. I don't understand why she cannot even do that for me (let alone them).
Other children have no problems at all they have visited and been visited.

Estrellita

ed94 wrote: »

I can't listen if nothing is being said, don't just assume I do not listen.

And don't assume we know everything about your marriage. You came here looking for advice, and people have answered in a non biased way. Some of your replies have been quite snappy to say the least. If your wife doesn't talk to you, perhaps she feels she will get the same treatment.

ed94

Ok I have tried to explain the situation as it is, I have tried to answer most of the replies. If my responses or I are coming across as "snappy" "rude" and whatever else people have said then I apologise to everyone.
Obviously it was a mistake for me to post on here about the whole situation as each response I make just leads to more criticism from some, I am having so much trouble dealing with this situation (at home) I just don't have the energy to defend myself on here as well. My plan seems to of backfired on me (I actually believed posting on here would help me)
So thank you everyone who responded and There will be no further discussion from me on here about it so if one of the MODS wants to close the thread please.

Thank You.

Neyite

Mod:

If anyone an issue with a post or a poster, please report the post, and let a mod deal with it.

OP, please continue to post here if you find it helpful for you - just pm us to get the thread reopened.