Her mother is a living nightmare

draiochtanois

This post has been deleted.

gigity gigity

Ken you need to do the following:

1- Make a choice, you have been in this childs life and her mothers for 2/3 years. Its not fair on anyone if you are only half in.
Kids can sometimes be difficult, deal with it, if you think she is a spoilt brat then teach her not to be.

2- If you have decided that you want to be a part of both of their lives then, Go and give the mother a piece of your mind, find out what her issue is with you, and deal with it. You should have set out your stall a long time ago pal.

3- If you are both working then theres no reason why you need housing benefit, go and get a place. I suggest renting first.

riffmongous

Ken there was a thread on after hours recently that was about bad mother-daughter relationships, might be of interest to you http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=99196163

December2012

You are about to become a step dad next January. You need todo some ground work now.

Your step daughter lives in a house with adults who do not get along.

Her mother does not get on with her grandmother. There are other adults, her uncles, and a grandfather. Conflicting adults affect children. Also this innocent child has been abandoned by her father.

So cut the child some slack. She is in a hectic situation and you don't sound like you have much patience.

PáircLife

Ken Masters wrote: »

not once did i say i disliked her daughter??

She screams the car down if her ma doesn't get her what she wants, we were in a Pizza place last week, her ma forgot the garlic sauce so she screamed the house down for an hour solid.

In fairness I'd do the same if someone didn't get me garlic sauce with my pizza. Pizza is not worth a s***e without it!!

hardCopy

Why are you waiting a year to move in?

If you love the girl and you can clearly see she's unhappy where she is you need to step up and get her out of that situation.

You can't sit around waiting for her mam to cop on so that you can continue living at home in your cushy existence.

Why can't everyone else change so that i don't have to?

Sunny Dayz

OP I was in a similar situation to your girlfriend as in I had a child at a young age and had to live with my parents for a few years as I couldn't afford to move out. It's really a blessing for the first couple of years, my mum loves being granny, seeing so much of her grandchild and helping out. However as my child got older it got more difficult - you are trying to set rules and boundaries and raise your child, however my mum was often in granny mode spoiling him, or trying to get across her own idea of rules and discipline. While we never had a major falling out, there definitely was strain. The best thing we did was move out. Now I could parent my child as I wished, it was easier to set the parental boundaries, my mum could go back to being granny and our relationship is great.
I would imagine this is not helping your girlfriend's child - she's at an age now where she is more aware of family situations, perhaps getting mixed messages in terms of parenting.

One eyed Jack

Ken Masters wrote: »

I feel for anyone who has a parent like this, it's a mental strain , like a prison sentence , but as i keep telling the GF, she will break Free one Day

Ken Masters wrote: »

First off her daughter is a spoilt little brat who i cant bond with because she's a spoilt little brat...

Ken Masters wrote: »

We will be moving in Together next year.

You really can't see a pattern there Ken?

I'll give you a clue - the same thing you're saying to your girlfriend, her daughter is probably thinking it for herself already. If you genuinely thought things would get better (unlikely, given what you've written so far!) once you moved in together, you wouldn't be stalling on it. You'd be making moves now! January is months away, and you're going to put up with that shyte till then?

You might be able to wallow in martyrdom while you have your cushy life at home, but a seven year old child shouldn't have to put up with that sort of shyte from adults. Is it any wonder she's acting out? She faces the prospect of being stuck in a mental prison for her foreseeable future!

Christ, that is one horrible situation with the adults acting like selfish, spoilt children, and the child who appears to be the only sane person in the whole sorry setup is the one who has the least control over her own future. She faces years of being called a spoilt brat. What do you think that's going to do to her Ken? Use your brains for a minute and think about that instead of thinking of yourself and your girlfriend and how great you are that you're taking on a daughter you don't really want because you want you and your girlfriend to be able to go out and enjoy yourselves!

Honestly, sit down and have a good think about it because I don't think you've thought this through at all, it sounds like you're just coasting along because playing the martyr suits you! Your girlfriend is the very same, that's not going to change if you ever actually do move in together, and the only person that will actually suffer for it is the child. As you say yourself though -

Ken Masters wrote: »

I feel for anyone who has a parent like this, it's a mental strain , like a prison sentence , but as i keep telling the GF, she will break Free one Day

Maybe the child needs to hear you say that, instead of thinking of her as a spoilt brat. Children aren't stupid, and they tend to pick up on these things. You don't even have to be a parent to understand that much!

Sleepy

OP, your girlfriend and her daughter are a package deal. In the child's eyes you've been an absent, cold and uncaring step-father for the past 2/3 years. That won't magically change when ye share a roof, you need to build a relationship with her and have a serious chat with your girlfriend as to what role she wants you to play with regards her daughter. It sounds to me that the daughter could certainly do with a firm step-parent to back her mother up in terms of discipline but your girlfriend may be of a different opinion: ye need to discuss what, if any, role you are to have in relation to discipline and parenting.

You also need to make your decision now and live with it. Do you WANT to be a live-in partner to your girlfriend and to be a step-dad to her daughter? Or would you rather let Mammy take care of you at home until some "nice girl" with no baggage comes along? Pick a path and live it OP. Letting your family put a roof over your head whilst stringing along a girl who's clearly struggling in life and needs her partner to pick up some of that slack right now isn't helping. If anything you're making it worse, you're preventing her from finding happiness with someone who is prepared to take her as she is.

Quit the BS about "what other man would put up with it?". The answer is, most likely, loads of them. My wife was a single mother when we met. I didn't "rescue" her from that life any more than you're rescuing your girlfriend from hers so quit trying to play the put-upon hero. I knew when I made the decision to pursue a relationship with her that it would mean also having a relationship with her son, it doesn't make me any great shakes, it just means I made my decision.

A word of warning though: don't expect to have much of a social life if you do decide to get a place together and aren't prepared to take your family up on their offer of babysitting. The "but I'll be bored" is easily dealt with. Let her form relationships with your family. She's 7, it's quite easy to make her look forward to visiting her "other Granny's" house, a tub of Ben & Jerry's in the freezer, a few toys that "live" in that house (In our case this was my old Lego which my mother still had in the attic and had to be retrieved in a grand adventure each time we visited) and a couple of happy shared experiences with your family and she'll be only dying to go over there for the night. Just pray your family continue to be as generous with their time - they have their own lives and you might well find yourself dreaming of the days when ye got out every other week!

Forget about her mother - to quote Game of Thrones, "there's no cure for being a cunt" so there's no point in trying to get your head around it. Face the real problem in front of you rather than distracting yourself with ones that have no solution beyond avoidance.