Alan Partridge Superthread - Sponsored by Dettol

Big Vern

How’s the grouting coming on?

IamtheWalrus

Divorced, yea. I've got access to the kids but they don't want to see meeeeee

Ash.J.Williams

I left you all a present over in the "this track relates to the previous track somehow"Thread

Ipso

God, that’s good! Can I shake your hand again?

artvanderlay

IamtheWalrus wrote: »

Divorced, yea. I've got access to the kids but they don't want to see meeeeee

I imagine Ryan Tubridy has a similar situation!

Big Vern

You’ve got to laugh when you fall off a sofa.

Welsh Megaman

Alan: That was moving rabbit classic “Bright Eyes”. Another cheeky chappie who’s starring into the abyss of having to spend three days with himself, the insomniac’s boyfriend, David Clifton.

Dave Clifton: Yeah, good evening to you, Alan. Actually, do you know what, I’m not so sure about that, Alan. Because I’m going to be seeing a friend at the weekend.

Alan: Uh-oh! Johnnie Walker or Jack Daniels?

Dave: No.

Alan: Glenmorangie?

Dave: No. I’m going to be seeing Tony Hadley from Spandau Ballet.

Alan: Rubbish!

Dave: Oh, yeah. I’m actually doing an archery weekend with him.

Alan: Really?

Dave: Yeah, yeah. We both do archery. I’m a grade three, at the moment. I’m hoping, fingers crossed, to get my grade four there, this weekend.

Alan: How do you… how do you…Who?… Can I…

Dave: So er, what are you doing this weekend then, Alan?

Alan: I’m watching all the Bond films, back to back, with my friend Michael.

Dave: Oh, what, the guy who works at the BP garage?

Alan: I know where he works.

Dave: OK, there goes Alan Partridge, licensed to kill… time, in his caravan by watching videos.

Alan: Good one, good one. Arrows are deceitful. When a cowboy fires a gun, there’s a bang, it’s a warning. Gives you a chance to duck. When a cowboy has an arrow fired at him, he hears nothing. If he’s lucky, it sticks in his hat, and he just looks daft. But more often that not, it sticks in his back, and he dies slumping forward on the horse that rides off with him, just on top of him, going like that [Impersonates a dead cowboy on top of a horse].

Dave: Yeah, OK. Bye, Alan. See you later.

Alan: And, also, archers. I hate archers, “The Archers” and Jeffrey Archer. You’re all deceitful cowards. I just realized then, that only applies to archers and Jeffrey Archer. But not “The Archers”, who… to be fair, are a mixed bag. Goodbye.

Dave: OK. And what are we doing to the planet? Well, it’s “Purple Rain”.

Big Vern

'If he’s lucky, it sticks in his hat, and he just looks daft.'

That line gets me every time!!

Ipso

Alan to Michael: Look at her, dead to the world. She’s sitting in the exact spot where me and Sonja ‘have it off.
Michael: So are you still doing it twice a day?
Alan: Yeah, you know, diary permitting.
Michael: Careful you don’t give yourself a heart attack.
Alan: No, it’s actually quite for you. It’s cardiovascular exercise, because if you think about it, it’s like press ups isn’t it?
Michael [Simulating having sex]: I suppose yeah. Because you are sort of working the main major muscle groups, like.
Alan: That is a woman?
Michael: Aye, its long hair.
Alan: Could be Brian May. That’s not his cup of tea. That’s the other one. God rest his soul.

artvanderlay

"Today's big question: should girl guides and scouts be court-marshalled?"

.red.

I downloaded KMKYWAP today and it has a few extras. One being the comic relief segment in Norwich. Don't ever remember seeing it before.
Well worth a watch.

https://youtu.be/8-XLBKH0g_Y

artvanderlay

.red. wrote: »

I downloaded KMKYWAP today and it has a few extras. One being the comic relief segment in Norwich. Don't ever remember seeing it before.
Well worth a watch.

https://youtu.be/8-XLBKH0g_Y

"Not my arse!" :pac:

paddylonglegs

Welsh Megaman wrote: »

[Impersonates a dead cowboy on top of a horse]

Also read that in an Alan voice

fryup

Alan: "can i be rude...not in that way" (points to TV)

Dan: "try me"

Alan: "Come on, pack it in, mate. I don’t want to have sex with your wife. Even though, from the promotional video, I can see that I would have a ruddy good time"

Dan's wife: "a quick hug?"

Alan: "ok a quick one....don't rub your fanny on me"

Realt Dearg Sec

fryup wrote: »

Alan: "can i be rude...not in that way" (points to TV)

Dan: "try me"

Alan: "Come on, pack it in, mate. I don’t want to have sex with your wife. Even though, from the promotional video, I can see that I would have a ruddy good time"

Dan's wife: "a quick hug?"

Alan: "ok a quick one....don't rub your fanny on me"

paddylonglegs

fryup wrote: »

Alan: "can i be rude...not in that way" (points to TV)

Dan: "try me"

Alan: "Come on, pack it in, mate. I don’t want to have sex with your wife. Even though, from the promotional video, I can see that I would have a ruddy good time"

Dan's wife: "a quick hug?"

Alan: "ok a quick one....don't rub your fanny on me"

Yer little finger just touched iiiiiit

artvanderlay

I just needed to hear this right now

artvanderlay

"Not my fault, I didn't take your lung away"!


Peter Kay is a great comedy actor when he actually applies himself, but he hasn't done that in a long time. Him playing a version of himself, which is all he does nowadays, is just lazy. It's a shame, because he was great in this, Phoenix Nights and That Peter Kay Thing, playing many characters, like Coogan used to do in Coogan's Run, Dr. Terrible's House of Horrible etc

.red.

paddylonglegs wrote: »

Yer little finger just touched iiiiiit

I can't read that without doing the voice in my head. It's almost like he sings the line.

Realt Dearg Sec

.red. wrote: »

I can't read that without doing the voice in my head. It's almost like he sings the line.

My gland.

Big Vern

“Alan’s Deep Bath”
That’s the last one, we’re stopping this after tonight. So, there’s the bath, hop in, wash yourself. There’s a loofah. Do be clean. There’s a big coarse towel on the radiator. Don’t forget to rinse the bath, once you’ve drained the water. Use the shower nozzle to blast off the scum. Here’s Brian and Michael.

artvanderlay

Cheeky monkey hits the floor at 3:19

fryup

Alan: Hands up! give me all your petrol

Shop attendant: What?

Alan: oh nothing, nice arrange of pasties you have there...can i have ten bottles of windscreen washing fluid please

Shop attendant: that'll be 5.80

Alan: there you go..eemmm fancy going out for a pint later???

Shop attendant: no

Alan: me neither (rushes out of shop)

Thargor

fryup wrote: »

Alan: Hands up! give me all your petrol

Shop attendant: What?

Alan: oh nothing, nice arrange of pasties you have there...can i have ten bottles of windscreen washing fluid please

Shop attendant: that'll be 5.80

Alan: there you go..eemmm fancy going out for a pint later???

Shop attendant: no

Alan: me neither (rushes out of shop)

And then he walked home along the dual carriageway

fryup

^^^^^^^^^^^^

his "home" being a travel tavern

Realt Dearg Sec

fryup wrote: »

^^^^^^^^^^^^

his "home" being a travel tavern

Sordid little grief hole.

Jeju

Read from Bouncing Back... "Am I a broadcaster? Yes. "Do I hold a full driving licence? Yes. Am I very good at Judo? Yes, little know fact. Did I once talk a depressed man down from a wall? Yes; but it wasn't that high and he wasn't that depressed, he had locked himself of out his business premises and was trying to get in".

wolfmoon87

fryup wrote: »

^^^^^^^^^^^^

his "home" being a travel tavern

GOLDFINGER!

fryup

^^^^^^^^^^^

funny but also equally sad & tragic...........you gotta feel for Alan sometimes

Welsh Megaman

Hi Susan. I was a bit bored so I dismantled my Corby Trouser Press. I can't put it back together again.Will that show up on my bill?