Loved one dying in a different country

Edward Hopper

My dad is coming toward the end of his life, he had a discussion today with his Palliative Care Consultant. My dad asked how long did he have, he was told "months, but some would say weeks".

I try to get over once or twice a month (to the UK) to see him, I'd like to go more, but the costs are beginning to mount now. It's incredibly hard emotionally to see the huge deterioration each time, it's more stark for me I think than my brothers and sister who live close to him and see him daily. A fit man who'd worked all his life and only just retired, reduced to a timid frail shadow by disease. My mum fought her cancer for 10 years before she died and I though that slog was cruel, my dad will have only had a year and that seems wrong too, I was at home for mum. I should be there now but I'm not. I just don't know.


Sorry lads there is no real point to this post, and appreciate if it doesn't fit the charter it will be deleted, with no hard feelings from me.

Conor Bourke

So sorry to hear that awful news Edward

Is there any way you could negotiate some time off from work/be allowed to work remotely in the coming weeks to get back home for a little longer than usual?

It's so difficult for anyone to give an accurate prognosis but a palliative consultant will most likely ne somewhat more skilled than perhaps a more junior doctor or one from another speciality. Research suggests that doctors tend to prognosticate too cautiously and that can be a problem in particular for people in situations like yours who might decide to come home for their loved one's last few weeks only for things to run over the expected timeframe.

Given that you mention your siblings see your dad on a daily basis, you could ask them to communicate with you as closely as possible regarding your Dad's condition. Sometimes in order to look forwards it can be helpful to look backwards. If your siblings see considerable changes in your dad's well-being on a week-to-week basis (for example if he's sleeping more/eating less this week, compared to last week when he was getting up and dressed for a few hours every day) that can be an indication that and that it might be time to get yourself home if you can.

Don't be afraid to talk to your Dad too! Keep in touch as much as you can even if it's just a phone call every couple of days. Maybe ask him for permission to speak on the phone to any of the medical/nursing team looking after him so that they can keep you in the loop and advise you on how they find him to be.

Take care

Edward Hopper

Thanks Cornelius, I'm going over next week so I'll hope to speak to someone then, it's something we know is coming but are still not sure if we are prepared for it or not. More importantly I'm not sure if my dad is either. Thanks again anyway.

Conor Bourke

Edward Hopper wrote: »

Thanks Cornelius, I'm going over next week so I'll hope to speak to someone then, it's something we know is coming but are still not sure if we are prepared for it or not. More importantly I'm not sure if my dad is either. Thanks again anyway.

My heart is going out to you. It's such a difficult situation to be in

sullivlo

Don't have any practical advice, only to say that I know how you feel. My aunt passed away last January in the UK and towards the end it was tough because it feels so far away.

I was due to fly home on the Thursday and on the Wednesday night I had to decide whether to stay or go. She died before I was due to fly so I came home, but the stress of travel during an already stressful time took a lot out of me.

Sorry you have to go through this. Mind yourself.

Edward Hopper

Lost my dad today, I couldn't get over in time to see him, I got to tell him I loved him and thank him for being such a great dad / grandad to my kids last week so I'm thankful for that. He was with my brother's and sister. I have been over once a week and it's just been horrendous being stuck here. He was lovely and peaceful at the end according to my family and the hospice he was in was lovely. Have to sit my kids and tell them now, though I'm bursting into tears at the drop of a hat at the moment. Then decide if they go to the funeral or not and see me in s state. Time enough to decide as funerals take longer to sort in UK. (though he didn't want a church service).

Thanks for this forum that i've read the links posted a few times and thanks for support and advice I was given. Palliative care services are terrific and take strain away from the patient and family.

He'd had enough, he's at peace now and hopefully he's somewhere with my mum and sister. RIP Dad, love you




Edit: sorry mods feel free to move to bereavement if it's more appropriate.

green n gold

Sympathies to you and all your family Edward, words from anyone offer little comfort at such a raw moment, but glad you got tell him how much he meant to you, I'm sure he knew anyway but it was kind and strong of you to express it clearly to him. Thoughts are with you and your family in this difficult time.