Nothing is right after my mum passed away.

Baybay

My mother died three weeks ago today. It wasn't expected, although she was 84. Her death was quick with the minimum of suffering & that pleases me because that's pretty much how she wanted to go.
I've told my grown up children (22 & 20) with whom she was close, that whatever they're feeling is the new normal, nobody has ever mourned her before so we can't get it wrong.
But nothing feels right. I suppose that's my new normal.
It feels disrespectful to go through her papers, her clothes, her jewellery & to sort through her treasured possessions, keeping the nicer things maybe but getting rid of the sentimental souvenirs that meant so much to her but are nothing really to me. Almost a betrayal.
She's left a little bit of money after what seems like a lifetime of struggle & denial & while I can give some to charity, I keep thinking of all the things she wouldn't buy herself that might have made things a little easier for her when she was alive. She didn't want for anything really but she could have been kinder to herself. So it seems like another betrayal nearly that her money will probably be spent on things she never would have bought.
She was a kind & generous if temperamental woman & I know it would please her for us to have things we want courtesy of her legacy but it all just feels so wrong.
Maybe this is all normal, I don't know. I don't remember things feeling this out of kilter after my dad died but maybe it's different if it's mum or maybe just because it's the end of an era, as both are gone.
I suppose I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself really, that's probably mostly what's wrong.
No one will ever have my back like she had & I know I was loved by her & still am by others, for which I feel fortunate but there wasn't a thing she wouldn't have done for me.

NIMAN

Sorry for your loss.
Whether your mum was 84 or 64, she was still your mum and there's absolutely no reason that you should feel less pain when an older person dies compared to a younger one. You still have the emptiness and have to deal with the grief that comes.

You mention going through her belongings and how it doesnt feel right, but to be fair it is still fairly recent and I am sure your feelings and emotions are still raw at this point. Maybe you should delay it for a while?

As someone who still has their mother living and their father gone, I can understand where you are coming from when you say that this is hitting you harder. I think it helps all children, irrespective of their age, to have parents around. When we lose one, we still have another there as a shoulder to lean on. But when the 2nd goes, then I am sure there is a realisation that you have reached the end of an era and now you are the upper line in the family circle, the one that has to listen, to help, to nuture, to be the shoulder for others. I too have thought about how my life will change when my mother dies, and it will be different from when my father left us.

As for your mum not spending anything on herself, well thats like a lot of mothers, they would prefer to be tight with money if it meant giving a foot up to their kids. I'm sure if you look back on your life you'll be able to think of many occasions where your parents went without to make sure you and your siblings had what they needed.

There really is no 'normal' 3 weeks after you lost your mother. It might take 6 months, 12 months, 2 years, who knows? We are all different. But I wish you all the best and again my condolences on your loss.

Baybay

Thank you, Niman for your kind words.
And I agree with all you're saying. In fact, I can hear myself saying similar if it was necessary to another!

I am also the executor of her will & that's the main reason I've been going through her things, particularly her papers, at what is probably an early stage. She was a no nonsense kind of person herself & I know she'd want things done at a fairly speedy rate.

But you're right. A delay might not be a bad thing.

LorMal

She sounds like she was a lovely Mum.