Doesn't want to go on play date.....

Gloomtastic!

Basically, your child gets invited on a playdate by the class misfit and really, really doesn't want to go. You get on well with the misfit's mum and don't want to tell her outright that your kid hates their kid so you agree to the playdate despite the protests at home.

Had this problem with our daughter and we let it ride, it's now cropped up with our son and I'm wondering if there is a diplomatic solution.

Rubberchikken

Why is the child a 'misfit'?

Lady is a tramp

What age are the kids involved?

2xj3hplqgsbkym

This has happened to me and I just keep making excuses as to why he can't go to play. The child isn't really a 'misfit' but has behavioural problems ( not an official diagnosis , just my opinion from observing him) .
I did let my son go once with some other kids and when I went to collect him all the kids were crying as the child had been hitting them and having tantrums.
The mum is really nice and I do feel bad but I suppose you have to look out for your own kids first.

Gloomtastic!

Rubberchikken wrote: »

Why is the child a 'misfit'?

He's very intelligent and overly confident and seems to have the ability to wind every kid in the class up the wrong way.

Gloomtastic!

Lady is a tramp wrote: »

What age are the kids involved?

10

Nekarsulm

If your child goes, you had better go as well and keep an eye on proceedings. Meaby keep a lid on boisterous behaviour. Parents rarely notice their own kids faults.

dori_dormer

Why would you force your kid to hang out with someone they don't like? If you like the mum, meet her yourself for coffee or some shopping. A normal person will understand that all kids don't get along, and they can't all be friends.
I'd be honest with her, but you could always lie and say your child has something else on, is having quality time with his dad, etc etc.

Neyite

I've a similar situation too. I've a lovely neighbour who has a son a little older than mine who is a sweet kid, but is just not used to playing with other children, so can get rough or grabby with a toy. And because he's not used to having playdates he gets a bit hyper and giddy. I think my boy is a bit intimidated by this boy even though he happily interacts with his creche buddies, and play dates with them are lovely in comparison.

Ultimately, I just left the play dates few and far between for now and I'll revisit it when they are older. They are only still preschoolers. But social responsibility and inclusiveness are things I want to teach my child. So if there is a child who is different (for want of a better word) in his class, I want my child to be kind enough to include the one who doesn't make friends easily. Its what I'd want if my child was the misfit.

At age 10 though, I'd go along with what your child wants. He's adamant, so I think that you should say to Other mum that he's digging his heels in with a kind of "kids, eh?" tone, cancel, and agree to let it rest for a few months then broach the play date again, because children are always changing friendships. And they do. Next year they could be best buddies.

I'd normally suggest being straight with people but very few parents appreciate hearing their child's shortcomings from another parent.

endacl

Play dates weren't ever a problem before they were a thing. IIRC, I never went on one as a kid. I'd be willing to bet nobody I know over 30 ever went on one either. More like parents said 'we're visiting these grownups who happen to have kids about your general age/size, give or take 10%. Feck off out and amuse each other and don't appear back before you're hungry'. The visit was never arranged for the benefit of the child.

Just tell them you don't do playdates, because playdates are a bit silly. Invite the mum over instead, and leave the kids out in the garden. With a ball.

Speedwell

If your son is resentful and not enjoying his play date time with the other boy, the other boy is not going to get anything much out of it, either. As a former "misfit", I didn't appreciate the resentment of other little girls forced by their parents to associate with me, and it was so frustrating. Not to mention the sheer time wasted that I could have spent with a book, walking around by myself in the woods, playing tiddly-poms on the piano, or knitting. Nobody needed to feel sorry for me that I didn't have many friends. I had some. Just not the brats who thought I was deprived because at ten years old I wasn't wearing makeup and a bra.

Neyite

endacl wrote: »

Play dates weren't ever a problem before they were a thing. IIRC, I never went on one as a kid. I'd be willing to bet nobody I know over 30 ever went on one either. More like parents said 'we're visiting these grownups who happen to have kids about your general age/size, give or take 10%. Feck off out and amuse each other and don't appear back before you're hungry'. The visit was never arranged for the benefit of the child.

Just tell them you don't do playdates, because playdates are a bit silly. Invite the mum over instead, and leave the kids out in the garden. With a ball.

I got a rush of nostalgia from that

Back in our day, playdates were called "visiting so-and-so" You got a pink wafer biscuit and chucked outside with all the other kids and unless you were bleeding profusely, you dared not interrupt the adults gassing away in the sitting room.

Stealthfins

Play date's ????
WTF like ?

Is that a posh midatlantic meaning for calling to someone who also has a kid for a chat and refreshments ?

Like OMG like you knoooow

Gloomtastic!

Stealthfins wrote: »

Play date's ????
WTF like ?

Is that a posh midatlantic meaning for calling to someone who also has a kid for a chat and refreshments ?

Like OMG like you knoooow

Not really. :rolleyes:

Neyite

Stealthfins wrote: »

Play date's ????
WTF like ?

Is that a posh midatlantic meaning for calling to someone who also has a kid for a chat and refreshments ?

Like OMG like you knoooow

Mod:

Play nicely in this forum please.

It's not a posh-mid atlantic term at all.

rainbowtrout

OP, your kid doesn't like the other kid. Why would you force them to spend time together??? Why can't you just say to the other mother 'I asked Mary if she wanted to visit and she said she doesn't have much in common with Kate' and leave it.

I really don't understand this rubbish concept of play dates. Prearranged play time with a kid they don't necessarily know or like. What happened to kids making their own friends in school/neighbourhood etc and letting friendships develop naturally?

I agree with a few of the other posts. I was never brought on play dates as a kid. If my parents were going to someone else's house, they were going to visit the adults. I was along as I had to go. If there were no kids, I was expected to keep quiet and be thankful for the glass of 7up and a biscuit I got. If there were other kids we were expected to entertain each other and not annoy the adults.

mirrorwall14

I have an 14 month old and I honestly do not get the concept of play dates at all. Whats the point of them? My child gets socialisation in the childminders, with his cousins and my friends or friends children and at the park/playcentres/activities I bring him on. What does he get at a play date that he doesn't at those?

At age 10 OP I think you are going to have to say it to the mother, your child is old enough I would guess to know whether they like the child or not.

MY OH is here beside me and he says: Who is it to benefit? Do you want to go meet the mother? Then you go meet the mother and the kids learn to entertain themselves with or without each other while you guys chat. Otherwise there is no need to push it with your child

Sligo1

Firstly I really enjoy play dates and so do my kids. My 3 yo and 2yo love meeting up with the couple friends they have outside Montessori. We go to the playground where they play together, have a snack and play chase. And the younger ones just kinda follow the older ones. I know they enjoy as when I tell them we are going to the park with certain kids they get very excited. More so then when I tell them we are going on our own. I also have to say I love it! In a way prob more than they even do. It's a great way to meet for a chat and a cuppa and just chill out. The kids (hopefully) occupy themselves tearing around the house so I don't have to entertain them.

OP a lot of posters are saying. Just tell the mum your kid doesn't want to play/meet with their kid. I'd avoid this tbh. And maybe that's me being a bit passive. But tbh... If I made the effort to invite somebody over id find it pretty rude if they turned around and said "sorry x doesn't actually like y" or "they don't get along". And maybe that's would be me taking things a little personally. But imho a little tact goes a long way. It's never happened to me but I think I'd feel horrible if a parent told me their child didn't like my child and didn't want to play with them. I'm aware not everyone is going to love my kids (they can be a nightmare tbh) but I really do think there's different ways to handle this. I'm not saying drag your kid along whether they like it or not. You can always make an excuse or put it off. However, if it were me, I'd try and make my child see that sometimes there's reason for others behaviour. I'd tell them to give the first play date a go and see how they get on. This kid might be totally different in their own environment and might be crying out for a friend. If the first one doesn't work well their doesn't have to be a second.

Gloomtastic!

Well it all went off yesterday without a hitch. Kids are such fickle creatures!! :rolleyes:

Playdates are just play dates! If you want to entertain a kid, add another kid. A lot of BS contributions above I'm afraid. I asked for diplomatic solutions but got eh, sent on shopping trips! (I am his dad btw :rolleyes:).

Sligo1

Gloomtastic! wrote: »

Well it all went off yesterday without a hitch.

Playdates are just play dates! If you want to entertain a kid, add another kid.

Glad all went well op. And I totally agree with your seconds point!

peckdunn

Don't force your kid to be friends with someone they dont want. Talk to the Mum - she should understand.

rainbowtrout

Gloomtastic! wrote: »

Well it all went off yesterday without a hitch. Kids are such fickle creatures!! :rolleyes:

Playdates are just play dates! If you want to entertain a kid, add another kid. A lot of BS contributions above I'm afraid. I asked for diplomatic solutions but got eh, sent on shopping trips! (I am his dad btw :rolleyes:).

You came on a public forum and asked for opinions. You got a variety of opinions. You're not going to agree with them all. Why bother posting if you already know what you're going to do and if you're going to dismiss people's posts as being bullsh*t if they don't agree with you when they took the time to answer your question

MountainAshIRL

I wouldn't force a child to meet someone they didn't want to but when the parent calls this kid the class misfit how can you expect your child to be open to this person?
How would you feel if other parents referred to your child as the local misfit?

Gloomtastic!

MountainAshIRL wrote: »

How would you feel if other parents referred to your child as the local misfit?

Ok, you decide what to call him. This nine year-old boy tells some of the girls in his class he wants to rape them. He calls another kid a paedophile. He deliberately goes out to alienate virtually everyone in his class. He's incredibly bright and articulate but has no social skills when it comes to mixing with other kids. He'll try and shock/provocate to get attention. The kids do not like him. They can't all be wrong!

Speedwell

Gloomtastic! wrote: »

Ok, you decide what to call him. This nine year-old boy tells some of the girls in his class he wants to rape them. He calls another kid a paedophile. He deliberately goes out to alienate virtually everyone in his class. He's incredibly bright and articulate but has no social skills when it comes to mixing with other kids. He'll try and shock/provocate to get attention. The kids do not like him. They can't all be wrong!

Gee. Now I don't want to associate with him. I suffered from the questionable attentions of a kid like that in the eighth grade who fixated on me, followed me around, exposed himself to me, and tried to touch me in ways and places I didn't want him to. Because I was a girl nerd, all my friends were boys and protected me from him once it became clear what was happening, but not everyone gets to have that sort of Queen's Guard

That doesn't mean I would refuse to associate with the child as the responsible adult, though. But a kid like that can't be pleasant to be around, and your kid is not equipped to be a therapist.

byhookorbycrook

Gloomtastic! wrote: »

Ok, you decide what to call him. This nine year-old boy tells some of the girls in his class he wants to rape them. He calls another kid a paedophile. He deliberately goes out to alienate virtually everyone in his class. He's incredibly bright and articulate but has no social skills when it comes to mixing with other kids. He'll try and shock/provocate to get attention. The kids do not like him. They can't all be wrong!

Have you reported your child care concerns to the HSE??

eviltwin

Gloomtastic! wrote: »

Ok, you decide what to call him. This nine year-old boy tells some of the girls in his class he wants to rape them. He calls another kid a paedophile. He deliberately goes out to alienate virtually everyone in his class. He's incredibly bright and articulate but has no social skills when it comes to mixing with other kids. He'll try and shock/provocate to get attention. The kids do not like him. They can't all be wrong!

You need to contact a social worker. I can see why you don't want your child alone with him but he's just a kid. He could be a victim of something himself and definitely is a child in need of support. To write him off as a misfit is doing him a massive disservice