My 10 year old verbally assaulted by adult, what to do

frenchmartini

How would you handle this situation?
My son plays with a group of children. There is one who is a bit immature. There was incident where this immature kid kicked another child and that child slapped him back. Other boy told his parents it was my son, even though 3 other children said it wasn't him. I had the mother screaming and shouting at my door and she refused to listen that the wrong boy was being blamed. The kid who did the slapping even said it "was me, self defence" but she ignored it.
Last night the father had a go at my son. Cornered him when he was on his own, threatened him, screaming at the top of his voice, and making my son cry. He said the following to my son
1. I am watching you. All the time. I'm always watching you.
2. The police are watching you and will not be nice to you when I call them.
3. Wanted to escort him to our home.(son thinks that's what he meant)
4. Told him he'd be in big trouble if he was seen outside this man's house again.
5. Asked my son why he was staring into his house, my son said he wasn't, he was just looking around.
6. Meanwhile, the man's kid, was giving my son the f finger through the window.

I want to go speak to them but I don't want to make it worse. They obviously have it in for my son and a big part of me thinks this man's behaviour is disgusting and needs to be pulled up on it. But, He also sounds a bit unstable.

Just looking advice. Anybody been here before and how'd you handle it.

Moonbeam

I would speak to the parent and if he is verbally abusive to you then make the Gardai aware. There is no excuse for that behavior.

seamus

Make a complaint to the Gardai. Don't waste your energy taking it into your own hands. It will only escalate.

Like you say, he sounds a bit unstable. It's one thing pulling up a child in the heat of an incident. Going out of your way to corner and threaten them later on is something else entirely.

Make it clear to the Gardai that you've no interest in pressing charges, but you're concerned this man poses a danger. They'll go and have a chat with him and make him understand that having a go at a ten year old is bordering on psychotic.

The nature of the original incident and "who done what" is somewhat irrelevant. Even if your son had pinned the other kid to the ground and punched him in the face, there would be no call for what that man did. They're ten year olds.

ZeitgeistGlee

Takes a big man to scream at a small boy like that, though the whole family sound like peaches.

I imagine if you've already tried to explain to the wife that your son didn't do the slapping that talking is wasted breath. I'd go straight to the Gardaí and make a complaint. Cornering a child and screaming at him until the boy breaks down crying, while saying he'll be watching him, surely that's something the Gards would take seriously and the father is probably one of those types who's turn white at a pair of uniforms turning up at his door.

Now with that said, I'd also make sure there's not incidents involving the two children you're not aware of, nothing worse than going in with half a story and having it blow up in your face.

Stealthfins

I'd press charges,if someone like him was putting fear into my son id press charges.

That guy sounds creepy and off his chuck.

That one incident could emotionally hinder your kid's trust in adult's and society.

frenchmartini

Thanks so much both of you. It's not a very pleasant situation to be in. It was actually in my mind to ring the guards but husband wants to talk him first. I dunno, he sounds nasty and my gut feeling is it could get much nastier.

hearmehearye

Any other evidence to back up what your son is saying? 10 year Olds can be... Imaginative.


In saying that, when I was that age my "friends" father repeatedly rang the house to scream at me down the phone, wouldn't talk if my parents answered. I just stopped all contact with his daughter and it stopped. He was a psycho. But all bark and no bite.

frenchmartini

Yes, I fully intend having the whole story. I've explained I need the absolute truth from my son. All of it. Though mine wasn't guilty of that slap, there was some name calling and a bit of rough play.

January

Tell your husband not to bother, it will just make things worse. Ring your local Garda station and ask to speak to the community garda for your area. Explain what happened and leave it with them. Give this family a wide berth from now on. Don't say anything to them, don't engage if they come to your door.

Call me Al

seamus wrote: »

Make a complaint to the Gardai. Don't waste your energy taking it into your own hands. It will only escalate.

Like you say, he sounds a bit unstable. It's one thing pulling up a child in the heat of an incident. Going out of your way to corner and threaten them later on is something else entirely.

Make it clear to the Gardai that you've no interest in pressing charges, but you're concerned this man poses a danger. They'll go and have a chat with him and make him understand that having a go at a ten year old is bordering on psychotic.

The nature of the original incident and "who done what" is somewhat irrelevant. Even if your son had pinned the other kid to the ground and punched him in the face, there would be no call for what that man did. They're ten year olds.

This.
You've already spoken with the wife and you've seen how successful that was.
It's gone beyond what child did what and when at this stage.
The father's behaviour is the issue here.

frenchmartini

hearmehearye wrote: »

Any other evidence to back up what your son is saying? 10 year Olds can be... Imaginative.


In saying that, when I was that age my "friends" father repeatedly rang the house to scream at me down the phone, wouldn't talk if my parents answered. I just stopped all contact with his daughter and it stopped. He was a psycho. But all bark and no bite.

There was a neighbour who told my son to tell us. He was frightened to tell us, afraid the guards were gonna call. He only told me at breakfast this morning. Incident was last night.
I've told my son to stay away from this house and this kid. He tries but finds that hard cos his friends are on the same stretch of road.

meeeeh

It's unfair but I would also tell your son to keep well away from their house.

Call me Al

frenchmartini wrote: »

Yes, I fully intend having the whole story. I've explained I need the absolute truth from my son. All of it. Though mine wasn't guilty of that slap, there was some name calling and a bit of rough play.

I know you need to know the detail but it's honestly beside the point at this stage.
What this man has done goes beyond any of that.
Getting bogged down in the minutiae of the above us neither here not there.
A grown man has threatened your child.

seamus

frenchmartini wrote: »

I've told my son to stay away from this house and this kid. He tries but finds that hard cos his friends are on the same stretch of road.

I would say in general that you shouldn't tell your son to leave if this kid is around.
But if the kid is around, to avoid getting involved too much - to ignore the other kid as much as he can. Like you say, his friends are there, if he runs off when this other kid arrives, then soon he'll be very isolated. And that lunatic father wins.
In a big enough group it should be possible to play without engaging the other one too much.

augustus gloop

it might not be the right thing to say, but if anyone talked to my son like that I would play football with the fathers head

BoatMad

augustus gloop wrote: »

it might not be the right thing to say, but if anyone talked to my son like that I would play football with the fathers head

whereupon you would be arrested charged and brought before a court , what befit would that do and give you a criminal record to boot.

The state has laws that you can access, access them.

augustus gloop

BoatMad wrote: »

whereupon you would be arrested charged and brought before a court , what befit would that do and give you a criminal record to boot.

The state has laws that you can access, access them.

I'm not saying its the correct thing to do, if it happened I would hope I could show the restraint you possess

BoatMad

augustus gloop wrote: »

I'm not saying its the correct thing to do, if it happened I would hope I could show the restraint you possess

you can achieve far more by applying the law, thats what I mean

a visit from the Gardai to you neighbour and the risk of an assault charge of an adult against a minor will quieten him down faster then your boot

hearmehearye

How did a neighbor know about this? Did a neighbor witness it?

marienbad

Don't call the Guards and forget about getting the full story from your son , it simply isn't reasonable .

Let your kid be a kid and just keep an eye out , if those parents and their kid are the problem it will soon become apparent to all the other parents and then ye can decide what to do .

LegacyUser

Everyone's always talks about how much they hate bullies and what they'd do if they thought their son was being bullied and all those posts get a tonne of thanks etc etc etc

As far as this father is concerned he was confronting his child's tormentor and bully. All the hatred for this type of behavior would be fueling this. Then whatever crazy **** the mother said to him is also fueling this.

You are dehumanizing them as crazy people. I'm sure their dehumanizing you as scumbag parents of a scumbag child. "Oh course they won't admit their child did anything wrong" etc.

This is just going to continue to escalate as the two sides continue to have this disconnected view of each other. With both sides parental protective instincts at war with the others.

If you could find a way of just having a civil conversation about the reality of whats happening. Discuss their perspective of events and allow them to explain it, and in return they must hear yours. No argument, just talk.

Then come up with a solution to resolve this as rational human beings.

frenchmartini

Yes, she caught the end of it, saw my son crying on the street. Thanks to everyone for their input. I really appreciate it all. Haven't done anything about it yet, my son knows to stay away from that house and kid.

Orion

marienbad wrote: »

Don't call the Guards and forget about getting the full story from your son , it simply isn't reasonable .

Let your kid be a kid and just keep an eye out , if those parents and their kid are the problem it will soon become apparent to all the other parents and then ye can decide what to do .

forumuser16 wrote: »

Everyone's always talks about how much they hate bullies and what they'd do if they thought their son was being bullied and all those posts get a tonne of thanks etc etc etc

As far as this father is concerned he was confronting his child's tormentor and bully. All the hatred for this type of behavior would be fueling this. Then whatever crazy **** the mother said to him is also fueling this.

You are dehumanizing them as crazy people. I'm sure their dehumanizing you as scumbag parents of a scumbag child. "Oh course they won't admit their child did anything wrong" etc.

This is just going to continue to escalate as the two sides continue to have this disconnected view of each other. With both sides parental protective instincts at war with the others.

If you could find a way of just having a civil conversation about the reality of whats happening. Discuss their perspective of events and allow them to explain it, and in return they must hear yours. No argument, just talk.

Then come up with a solution to resolve this as rational human beings.

Both of you are missing the point here. It's completely irrelevant what happened between the children. An adult male was aggressive and threatening to a child. That's the issue. I completely agree with seamus. Report it to the police and they will visit that man and let him know in no uncertain terms that this is unacceptable behaviour. He will back down and never do it again. There is no value in confronting a bully like this yourself - let the uniforms do it. Yes - I called him a bully - if he was a reasonable man he'd go the other child's parents - but he didn't. He threatened a child. That's a bully. Put the fear of the law into him and he'll shrink away like the coward he obviously is.

To be honest if #6 is the case the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree so letting the kid know there's consequences to actions might save him from turning into his father.

marienbad

Orion wrote: »

Both of you are missing the point here. It's completely irrelevant what happened between the children. An adult male was aggressive and threatening to a child. That's the issue. I completely agree with seamus. Report it to the police and they will visit that man and let him know in no uncertain terms that this is unacceptable behaviour. He will back down and never do it again. There is no value in confronting a bully like this yourself - let the uniforms do it. Yes - I called him a bully - if he was a reasonable man he'd go the other child's parents - but he didn't. He threatened a child. That's a bully. Put the fear of the law into him and he'll shrink away like the coward he obviously is.

To be honest if #6 is the case the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree so letting the kid know there's consequences to actions might save him from turning into his father.

No we are not missing the point , you are constructing a situation based on the information supplied by kids. Calling the Guards is over the top .

Realt Dearg Sec

marienbad wrote: »

No we are not missing the point , you are constructing a situation based on the information supplied by kids. Calling the Guards is over the top .

Did he not say another neighbour witnessed the confrontation?

marienbad

Realt Dearg Sec wrote: »

Did he not say another neighbour witnessed the confrontation?

No the end of it , just the child crying .

Elemonator

Absolutely unacceptable. For an adult to harass a minor is completely unacceptable. What a small man, that borders on unstable. He doesn't seem to understand this is normal 10 year old behaviour.

I'll definitely agree with seamus on this one. Go to your local Garda station and lodge a complaint NOW. Document the incident in writing with your son present and try to include dates and times if possible before he forgets details and keep them as evidence. Don't confront the other family, they can only use that against you.

It's up to you whether you want to press charges, especially if you feel your son is in danger. My parents had a similar situation with my brother a few years ago. My brother was around the same age and actually got threatened with use of a weapon. Garda report was lodged and a solicitors letter put through their door. They wouldn't say boo now.

ishotjr2

Did your son have any suggestion on how he would like to deal with the situation? Might sound crackers to ask a 10yr old.

I can see the argument for calling the guards and not doing so. Wonder if you went and spoke to the guards would they make a suggestion of the correct course.

marienbad

Elemonator wrote: »

Garda report was lodged and a solicitors letter put through their door. They wouldn't say boo now.

Is this how we resolve neighbourly disputes these days ?

Have we lost all sense of proportion ?

Elemonator

marienbad wrote: »

Is this how we resolve neighbourly disputes these days ?

Have we lost all sense of proportion ?

There is just a slight difference between your average neighbourly dispute and threatening/intimidating/harassing somebody else's kid when they are out of sight.

marienbad

Elemonator wrote: »

There is just a slight difference between your average neighbourly dispute and threatening/intimidating/harassing somebody else's kid when they are out of sight.

'out of sight' is the operative phrase