My Girlfriend's Mum is gone

benny_nol

Hi,
Having read through a few of the threads here I feel like a bit of an imposter for posting. But maybe somebody can offer me a bit of advice about what I can do. Just today while standing at the bus stop I got the nightmare phone call from my girlfriend that her mum had died. She had had a serious operation but was finally on the mend and the dr told her he hoped that she'd be home on Friday. There was a complication this afternoon and now she's gone. I'm shocked and I can't believe that it has happened so I can only imagine how she feels. I suppose I always thought of people going through gradual stages to death. As though when the time finally came she would drift away with all her family around her. But I guess sudden death robs you of that.
Right now I'm not really sure what to do. I know being with her helps but I just feel so useless. I have barely cried about it myself. I'm also sad for the loss but to be honest I'm much more sad for my girlfriend. Her world has come crashing down today and I can't fix it. I know that grief is different for everyone but what does the process look like? How long do people feel horrendous for? That even feels like a stupid question when I write it. I don't care how long it takes I just hope that someday my girlfriend will be able to smile and laugh without such a heavy heart.
Anyway sorry if that was a bit rambly. If anyone has been in my position and could offer some advice it would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks

Lavinia

Hi OP, my sincere condolences to both of you and your families.
Just as you described that is how my mom died 6 years ago, went to hospital for some tests and never came back home, she died alone with no one of us to say goodbye or to be near her. I am so sorry for that still as she raised a big family and gave us so much, that she went from this world like that, and as you said, without saying goodbye...
My bf at the time was there for me, for the funeral I went alone as it was hard to deal, but perhaps that was just me.
Also I am fully aware now that a person cannot know how it is to lose a parent, but only those who experienced it know how it feels.
I don't think it ever changes, the pain of that, you just learn to live with it, so it comes "easier". I miss my mom still, almost the same as the first day...
So basically, just be there for her it mans lots. You do not need to "do" anything, to "fix" anything, just be present is all. Help her around small stuff. It is a shock to lose a mom like that, so be aware of that, and perhaps try to be a "strong" one for them. No need for any "big talk" or anything, sometimes even presence in silence means lots.
Wish you well...

ChampagnePop

Be there for her, hold her hand and just try be there for her.
I lost my mother two years ago, it's still pretty raw, my OH held me when we were alone and when I was with my family he helped out as much as he could, tea making etc.
She needs to grieve so remember it's a good thing if she's able to do that.

My grief came in waves, so for the first few months, at least, be aware that although she might be fine one day the next day she could feel very raw grief again.

Encourage her to take up invitations from friends /family who have also lost a parent, I found that really helpful. And when she's ready try make sure she keeps herself busy (not immediately )

Really sorry for your OH and your loss OP

wokingvoter

It really is different for everyone and depends on many factors
I come into contact with a lot of recently bereaved and can assuredly say that imp people with a deep spiritual belief cope better then others
I spoke to a woman the other day who told me that she feels worse today about her mothers death then she did the day she died 5 years ago
Another man told me he is glad his mother is no longer suffering. He misses her but he's also glad to get back to his wife and children
It's different for everyone