Nobody likes me at work

anonymous2424

Long story short.. I have been at my current job for three years. When i first started I was a tad big for my boots and got on the wrong side of lets say the wrong people.. I was a little rude admittedly but never done anything drastically wrong.
Being the most popular people in the company they took it upon themselves to turn EVERYONE against me. All of a sudden everyone started blanking and hating me.
Since then I have been nicer and whiter than white to everyone and really not put a foot out of place (Apart from when one girl accused me of spreading rumours which i most certainly wasn't spreading!).
Things got marginally better but I needed to stay at the company to get a promotion I desperately needed on my CV. Three years on I have my promotion, and everyone still dislikes me (apart from a few people). I didn't think they'd hold a grudge forever and even with new friends I make in the industry they tell people 'not to be friends with me because nobody likes me'.
I'm obviously now known in the industry as the girl who nobody likes, i'm marginally autistic so struggle to make friends anyway. But despite admittedly being big for my boots when i started, am really nice to everyone now and have been for years.

Anyhow I work in an industry where relationships/friendships are key, should I just cut my losses and go work in a different industry? As i'm only 24 and young enough to change. As even in a different company i'll still (most likely) be the person that nobody likes because of my ex colleagues. Or continue and run the risk of never making friends and being miserable?

Any advise would be much appreciated!

Autonomous Cowherd

I would say you are being bullied by small-minded people. Even if you were a bit of an ass when you started first, anyone with a bit of cop-on would know that you were young and thus would make compassionate allowance. You do not have to feel guilty about some how having contributed to them being assholes to you - every one is entitled to make mistakes, and then move along. We all have our shadow side.

If I was you I would try a bit of counselling to have a supporter in your corner, and an objective ear to listen to you, so that you can drop the shame, regain confidence and perspective, and inhabit your life happily without being bullied by jerks.

best of luck to you.

Tazium

Be yourself.

Trying to behave differently to suit others causes stress and anxiety and may lead to other problems. If you like the job stick at it, if not then using this 'dislike' is as good as any other excuse to leave. But! if someone takes a dislike to you in a new job would you leave there too?

Have you tried asking someone in the clique to go for tea or coffee? It only takes one act of kindness to start a ripple. You might be surprised.

I do emphasise with you, it must feel terrible to focus on what you perceive to be someone not liking you. I'll tell you, 'likes' are for facebook. If you want to know why you are perceived in this way, have an interaction and ask someone, just be prepared to make positive adjustments if you can. Worrying about what others think of you is like sitting in a rocking chair, you'll go backwards and forwards and never get anywhere.

Remain yourself, and focus on what you do positively. Good luck.

davo10

Autonomous Cowherd wrote: »

I would say you are being bullied by small-minded people. Even if you were a bit of an ass when you started first, anyone with a bit of cop-on would know that you were young and thus would make compassionate allowance. You do not have to feel guilty about some how having contributed to them being assholes to you - every one is entitled to make mistakes, and then move along. We all have our shadow side.
u.

To be fair, you only get one chance to make a first impression and if you are an ass to start of with, it can be difficult to change others opinions. I don't see this as bullying, the op is forthright in admitting she contributed to the situation. A fresh start somewhere else might be advisable having learned a valuable lesson in life.

Irish_Elect_Eng

Deliberately isolating a person in a workplace is considered bullying.

davo10

Irish_Elect_Eng wrote: »

Deliberately isolating a person in a workplace is considered bullying.

There would seem to be a contributing factor on the ops part, you can't force colleagues to like you, you can however contribute to them not liking you.

comerla

I had this myself. It all turned full circle - the cliques gradually broke up. I got a promotion, then another one.

You need to focus on whats important - treating people with respect, your family, real friends and doing a good job.

Some people play the politics thing well and use it fully, marginalising people. It means nothing. You're not paid to be their friends.

My advice: toughen up.

Shint0

davo10 wrote: »

To be fair, you only get one chance to make a first impression and if you are an ass to start of with, it can be difficult to change others opinions. I don't see this as bullying, the op is forthright in admitting she contributed to the situation. A fresh start somewhere else might be advisable having learned a valuable lesson in life.

Agreed. I have seen this happen. It's a case of first impressions last and no matter how much someone tries to improve or how good their work performance is they can never shake it off. OP did you disclose your diability to your employer or do you see it as relevant to the job to disclose it? Employers can make reasonable accommodations and provide disability awareness training for staff. It might help others more in their understanding of how you interact with people but that's entirely up to you to disclose and if you feel it has any impact on the job.

Labarbapostiza

davo10 wrote: »

I don't see this as bullying, the op is forthright in admitting she contributed to the situation.

It is bullying. Blanking especially in an office environment is deserving of a punch in the face.

Have you done this kind of stuff yourself?

road_high

Definitely a case of first impressions count. Have to say my first impressions of people I've worked that changed little (depends on the person) from start to end. Especially if you came across cocky or rude to start off with this is a major no-no for a newcomer. Chalk that down to experience and next time be nice, it pays sometimes.

TG1

comerla wrote: »

I had this myself. It all turned full circle - the cliques gradually broke up. I got a promotion, then another one.

You need to focus on whats important - treating people with respect, your family, real friends and doing a good job.

Some people play the politics thing well and use it fully, marginalising people. It means nothing. You're not paid to be their friends.

My advice: toughen up.

I agree with this. Does it matter? Turn up every day, work hard, do your best every day, treat your colleagues with professional courtesy at all times and then at the end of the working day leave it all behind and go home to the things that matter.

I think you'll be surprised at how quickly people get over these things when you keep the head down, do a good job and deal with everyone at a professional level.

Mrs OBumble

Labarbapostiza wrote: »

It is bullying. Blanking especially in an office environment is deserving of a punch in the face.

Rubbish.

Leaving someone out of work-related stuff is bullying.

Not going out of your way to be friendly to them is not. Work is not school, colleagues are required to be courteous in workplace dealings, that is all. They are not required to be friendly.



OP, you've learned your lesson. Time for a fresh start. Hope it goes well, and that have some good transferrable skills.

anonymous2424

I've definitely learnt a hard lesson!!!

I regularly get excluded from work events and treated like crap by my colleagues and they turn round and justify it by saying "nobody likes her". They also go out of their way to turn any new friends I make against me by saying don't be friends with her because "nobody likes her". Considering I keep my nose clean and am very nice to everyone now (and have been for years) I feel is going too far.

I'm in the process of looking for other jobs.

Thanks everyone, really appreciate your advise.

davo10

Labarbapostiza wrote: »

It is bullying. Blanking especially in an office environment is deserving of a punch in the face.

Have you done this kind of stuff yourself?

Can you see the irony in this comment?

Labarbapostiza

davo10 wrote: »

Can you see the irony in this comment?

Let me explain something. Direct aggression is smacking someone in the gob. Passive aggression is more orchestrating a bullying campaign. Social exclusion, which culminates often in people being excluded all the way out of their job. More subtle forms of harassment.

Lots of people richly deserve to be smacked and boxed all over the place, like a rag doll getting the shock of their lives, for the way they behave. But it is neither socially nor legally acceptable. Some people mistakenly believe passive aggression is good and okay because it doesn't involve a direct smack in the gob, even though being very well aware that prolonged torment of passive aggressive tactics is more injurious.

You didn't answer my question. Did you make someone's life at work a living hell, because you didn't like them?

davo10

Labarbapostiza wrote: »

Let me explain something. Direct aggression is smacking someone in the gob. Passive aggression is more orchestrating a bullying campaign. Social exclusion, which culminates often in people being excluded all the way out of their job. More subtle forms of harassment.

Lots of people richly deserve to be smacked and boxed all over the place, like a rag doll getting the shock of their lives, for the way they behave. But it is neither socially nor legally acceptable. Some people mistakenly believe passive aggression is good and okay because it doesn't involve a direct smack in the gob, even though being very well aware that prolonged torment of passive aggressive tactics is more injurious.

You didn't answer my question. Did you make someone's life at work a living hell, because you didn't like them?

Team ethos and good working relationships are essential particularly in small businesses where colleagues have to work in close proximity and rely on each other. If I take on an employee and they start off being rude and obnoxious to their colleagues, I don't make their life a living hell, I do however show them the door.

I'm glad you can tell the difference between passive and active (direct) aggression, you seem to advocate the punch in the face, direct type. You'd be shown the door as well.

And again for your consideration, you can't force colleagues to like you after you have been rude and obnoxious to them. If they don't like you because of your behaviour, then you have to look at your behaviour and perhaps start afresh somewhere else making sure you don't make the same mistakes.

screamer

TBH I don't see it as bullying it's herd mentality. When you join any new group you are the one who has to fit in not them.
Obviously the group chose to ignore you it happens and for the group it's easier than going whingeing to the boss about the newbie. I've seen groups close ranks on someone who upsets the status quo of a tight knit very functional work group and TBH in most cases I saw their point. If you're 3 years in and feeling like that then learn from the experience and move on.

Autonomous Cowherd

Ugh. Humans.

strandsman

there's no friends in work it's as simple as that, only work colleagues. I've worked for 25 yrs in factories and people only look for a small excuse to turn on one another like a pack of wild dogs just to pass their day away. You might consider people you work with "friends" but they are only work colleagues, as soon as your work day ends walk out the door and forget about them all.

OhHiMark

strandsman wrote: »

there's no friends in work it's as simple as that, only work colleagues. I've worked for 25 yrs in factories and people only look for a small excuse to turn on one another like a pack of wild dogs just to pass their day away. You might consider people you work with "friends" but they are only work colleagues, as soon as your work day ends walk out the door and forget about them all.

Do you think it's impossible to become friends with someone just because you happen to work with them?

davo10

When your staff are friends it is a real bonus because it makes for a better, more enjoyable working environment for everyone. But due to age/outlook/personality/family differences it is not always possible. Respect though is a must, being rude and obnoxious is not respectful and can make the situation difficult for everyone. It is very difficult to win over colleagues who do not like you particularly when you have given them good cause to not like you from the outset.

Surely most people go out of their way to make a good impression on their co workers when they are starting, when you start off being an ass, it means you don't care what they think of you and you haven't the cop on to understand the importance of good relations/impressions. Crying about it after the fact and blaming everyone else is a little immature, you have to take responsibility and ensure that it doesn't happen again at your next job.

mackey9387

Original OP I wouldn't give in and look for a new job. Change your attitude towards work go in with a positive mindset even do it may be hard say hello to everyone you pass in work even if they blank you and do so continuously people eventually forgive and forget. Worker harder to keep yourself occupied and your time in work will go quicker. Most importantly at the end of each day then leave your worries in work, don't bring them home with you because then it starts affecting your personal life.

At home you have your family and friends who care about you that's a positive to look forward to at the end of each working day..

"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them, every day begin the task anew."

strandsman

OhHiMark wrote: »

Do you think it's impossible to become friends with someone just because you happen to work with them?

not impossible no, but I see people in work who are "friends" inside and outside of work and they talk about each other behind their back and I say to myself WTF!

OhHiMark

strandsman wrote: »

OhHiMark wrote: »

Do you think it's impossible to become friends with someone just because you happen to work with them?

not impossible no, but I see people in work who are "friends" inside and outside of work and they talk about each other behind their back and I say to myself WTF!

That's not exactly the same as saying that there are no friends in work. I've seen the same in people who don't work with each other. Does that mean that friendship doesn't exist?

strandsman

if they were real friends they wouldn't talking about each other.

draiochtanois

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Aongus Von Heisenberg

OP if you got the promotion surely somebody in there has a high opinion of you?

You may have just fallen foul of a nasty clique. Perhaps only a small group of people are doing you down and everyone else is uncommitted.

If management promoted you then they want to keep you. Perhaps you could discreetly raise your concerns with a member of management. Try to avoid any accusations against particular people and focus on solving the problem. If they want to keep you they will want you working in a friendly and supportive environment to get the best out of you.

OhHiMark

strandsman wrote: »

if they were real friends they wouldn't talking about each other.

Exactly. But that doesn't mean that real friendship doesn't exist with work colleagues.

Autonomous Cowherd

davo10 wrote: »

When your staff are friends it is a real bonus because it makes for a better, more enjoyable working environment for everyone. But due to age/outlook/personality/family differences it is not always possible. Respect though is a must, being rude and obnoxious is not respectful and can make the situation difficult for everyone. It is very difficult to win over colleagues who do not like you particularly when you have given them good cause to not like you from the outset.

Surely most people go out of their way to make a good impression on their co workers when they are starting, when you start off being an ass, it means you don't care what they think of you and you haven't the cop on to understand the importance of good relations/impressions. Crying about it after the fact and blaming everyone else is a little immature, you have to take responsibility and ensure that it doesn't happen again at your next job.

Uh, this ''tough love'' stuff really is crap. If you re-read the OP, you will note that the person concerned was about 21 when they started. I know I was fairly clueless at 21....and in fact, I do not think there is an age limit re making mistakes and being forgiven.
If you were speaking to your kid sister or your child, would you be so heavy? The idea that people have to suck it up (ie. others passive aggressiveness) just because they went in a bit heavy-handed and cocky as a young person when first on the job, just does not do the species any justice.


I am sure the OP has learned her lessons in terms of how to behave in future...in fact she repeatedly has stated that she CHANGED her behaviour. It is the sniping, unforgiving, resentful, small-minded, squinty-eyed bitches who are freezing her out who have the behavioural problems.

Anyways. Sigh.

draiochtanois

This post has been deleted.

davo10

Autonomous Cowherd wrote: »

Uh, this ''tough love'' stuff really is crap. If you re-read the OP, you will note that the person concerned was about 21 when they started. I know I was fairly clueless at 21....and in fact, I do not think there is an age limit re making mistakes and being forgiven.
If you were speaking to your kid sister or your child, would you be so heavy? The idea that people have to suck it up (ie. others passive aggressiveness) just because they went in a bit heavy-handed and cocky as a young person when first on the job, just does not do the species any justice.


I am sure the OP has learned her lessons in terms of how to behave in future...in fact she repeatedly has stated that she CHANGED her behaviour. It is the sniping, unforgiving, resentful, small-minded, squinty-eyed bitches who are freezing her out who have the behavioural problems.

Anyways. Sigh.

At 21 you might be inexperienced in the workplace but you are by no means a child. Being courteous and respectful is not optional, it is expected.