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Nobody likes me at work
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To be honest, when it comes to workplace bullying it does not matter if the victim "started it", "deserved it" or "contributed to it, the bully is still guilty of being a bully.
The people doing this are gambling with their careers. If the OP complains and drags them through an investigation their careers will be damaged, their next prospective employer will not care if the OP "started it"
Perhaps they need a mirror held up to their behavior.....it may be revealing to them?
http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/employment/equality_in_work/bullying_in_the_workplace.html
Bullying is repeated inappropriate behaviour that undermines your right to dignity at work. It can be done by one or more persons and it is aimed at an individual or a group to make them feel inferior to other people. Bullying can be verbal bullying, physical bullying or cyber bullying which is carried out on the internet or mobile phones, through social networking sites, email and texts. It can take many different forms such as:
Social exclusion and isolation
Damaging someone’s reputation by gossip or rumours
Intimidation
Aggressive or obscene language
Repeated requests with impossible tasks or targets
In 2005 the Expert Advisory Group on Workplace Bullying (pdf) reported that bullying is an increasing problem in the workplace. A survey on bullying was carried out as recommended by the Group and Bullying in the Workplace, Survey Reports 2007 was published. In many European countries the term 'mobbing' is used instead of bullying to describe this type of hostile behaviour in the workplace.0 -
That's all true but it seems the OP has never brought this to the attention of their employer. It doesn't matter what other employees do or how it affects the OP if she doesn't make a complaint. You can only claim a detriment if the employers have been made aware and they fail to act or take reasonable measures to deal with it.Irish_Elect_Eng wrote: »To be honest, when it comes to workplace bullying it does not matter if the victim "started it", "deserved it" or "contributed to it, the bully is still guilty of being a bully.
The people doing this are gambling with their careers. If the OP complains and drags them through an investigation their careers will be damaged, their next prospective employer will not care if the OP "started it"
Perhaps they need a mirror held up to their behavior.....it may be revealing to them?
http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/employment/equality_in_work/bullying_in_the_workplace.html
Bullying is repeated inappropriate behaviour that undermines your right to dignity at work. It can be done by one or more persons and it is aimed at an individual or a group to make them feel inferior to other people. Bullying can be verbal bullying, physical bullying or cyber bullying which is carried out on the internet or mobile phones, through social networking sites, email and texts. It can take many different forms such as:
Social exclusion and isolation
Damaging someone’s reputation by gossip or rumours
Intimidation
Aggressive or obscene language
Repeated requests with impossible tasks or targets
In 2005 the Expert Advisory Group on Workplace Bullying (pdf) reported that bullying is an increasing problem in the workplace. A survey on bullying was carried out as recommended by the Group and Bullying in the Workplace, Survey Reports 2007 was published. In many European countries the term 'mobbing' is used instead of bullying to describe this type of hostile behaviour in the workplace.0 -
That's all true but it seems the OP has never brought this to the attention of their employer. It doesn't matter what other employees do or how it affects the OP if she doesn't make a complaint. You can only claim a detriment if the employers have been made aware and they fail to act or take reasonable measures to deal with it.
That's true, until the OP complains,nothing will change.
But even if she does it during her exit interview on her way out the door to a new company, their careers could be over. Certainly would be in most MNCs, and in a small industry reliant on relationships (as described by the OP), it could make them unemployable.
I was more focused on the behaviors of the other employees and the fact that some folks are taking he contribution to the situation as somehow absolving the bullies from responsibility.
Whether she complains or not,
Whether they are censured or not,
They are still bullies.0 -
Irish_Elect_Eng wrote: »That's true, until the OP complains,nothing will change.
But even if she does it during her exit interview on her way out the door to a new company, their careers could be over. Certainly would be in most MNCs, and in a small industry reliant on relationships (as described by the OP), it could make them unemployable.
I was more focused on the behaviors of the other employees and the fact that some folks are taking he contribution to the situation as somehow absolving the bullies from responsibility.
Whether she complains or not,
Whether they are censured or not,
They are still bullies.
And if the other employees when questioned give the reasons why they don't like the op and give examples of what the op herself confirmed were acts of rudeness and obnoxiousness?
You can't make people like you, none of us can and if a colleague is rude or disrespectful toward you, it is a bit rich to then complain that you are unhappy because they don't like you.
I think you are over egging the probability of a complaint outcome in this case, if the op is unliked and all her colleagues confirm the reasons why, the employer would be inclined to remove the bad apple from the cart before the others spoil.0 -
Irish_Elect_Eng wrote: »That's true, until the OP complains,nothing will change.
But even if she does it during her exit interview on her way out the door to a new company, their careers could be over. Certainly would be in most MNCs, and in a small industry reliant on relationships (as described by the OP), it could make them unemployable.
If she was able to get a promotion then the situation mustn't be all that bad. Heavy bullying campaigns usually aim to get the person fired, and out of that industry all together. So there isn't a chance they can take revenge.I was more focused on the behaviors of the other employees and the fact that some folks are taking he contribution to the situation as somehow absolving the bullies from responsibility.
The people absolving the bullies, are bullies themselves. From their perspective they are the injured party, and their bullying is heroic and justified. It's very difficult to find out what the psychological motivations are, when a bully tells their story, they're not the bad guy.
It would be interesting to hear more bullies com0 -
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Think the OP has the cleverness to know that she is reaping what she has sown. Learning from it and continuing to behave in the way that you feel you should, should make life at work easier. Slowly people will turn around. It might not be quick but you should get some satisfaction from it. I do agree that first impressions can last but continuing to behave in the right way means that you are doing what you can to resolve your problem. I think the idea to quit and start again in a new industry is the nuclear option.0
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Thank you Morgans. A bit if sense at last, this sh*tty attitude of "oh yeah, OP deserves to be bullied" was grating on my nerves. No doubt written by Mr HR of the year 2015.
OP, here's some more sense and nevermind the b**locks. Before you decide to go changing career, find out who the ringleader of the bullying campaign against you is, approach that person and talk to them. Nothing confrontational, nothing accusational, just approach them and see if they will hear you out, try to explain yourself and tell them you didn't mean to step on their toes. You could be amazed and I have often seen people who were dead set against me completely change their tune.
They do this because they think you're a bitch, if you show them otherwise, you stand a very good chance of completely reversing your current situation.
You could also speak to management or HR, but I think it won't help the situation.0 -
I'm guessing you did something drastically wrong, but didn't realise it at the time. It happens.anonymous2424 wrote: »When i first started I was a tad big for my boots and got on the wrong side of lets say the wrong people.. I was a little rude admittedly but never done anything drastically wrong.
Although you're there 3 years, it's unknown for how long you were acting the ass. And if you were acting enough of an ass, no-one would give you a chance to prove otherwise.
OP; it's in your best interest to seek help with this professionally.anonymous2424 wrote: »i'm marginally autistic so struggle to make friends anyway.
Depending on how you are "marginally autistic", people may misinterpret it, and getting help with it before you get a new job may ensure that you are not misinterpreted again.0 -
I'm guessing you did something drastically wrong, but didn't realise it at the time. It happens.
Although you're there 3 years, it's unknown for how long you were acting the ass. And if you were acting enough of an ass, no-one would give you a chance to prove otherwise.
People who get bullied, wrack their brains for explanations of how they've brought the bullying on themselves. Unless you have a signed confession from the bullies as to what the initial reason or any reason was, you have nothing. And even if you do have a signed confession, you can't tell for sure if it's true.
I've been in bullied in work situations by people I had nothing to do with or ever spoke to. Being chosen as the office laughing stock....but by people I had no direct condition with, or ever had. Did I make some mistake?OP; it's in your best interest to seek help with this professionally.
Depending on how you are "marginally autistic", people may misinterpret it, and getting help with it before you get a new job may ensure that you are not misinterpreted again.
If the op is marginally autistic, and not self diagnosed, and just a bit awkward, then there is no treatment or cure.
People with autism, are often the target for bullying. They have difficulty holding on to jobs. But people with any form of disability do have this kind of problem.0 -
OP
You said too big for your boots and wrobg side of people at the start..why did you do this?0 -
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Labarbapostiza wrote: »I've been in bullied in work situations by people I had nothing to do with or ever spoke to. Being chosen as the office laughing stock....but by people I had no direct condition with, or ever had. Did I make some mistake?
This thread isn't about you, it's about the OP, who very clearly described what they did to cause people in general to dislike them.Labarbapostiza wrote: »If the op is marginally autistic, and not self diagnosed, and just a bit awkward, then there is no treatment or cure.
People with autism, are often the target for bullying. They have difficulty holding on to jobs. But people with any form of disability do have this kind of problem.
Both untrue.
There are behavioural interventions that can teach people with autism how to fit in with other people.
And people with disabilities usually have difficulty getting jobs in the first place. Once they have one, they usually last keep it for longer than the average bear.0 -
Op,
You were 21(ish) when you started- although an adult, some leeway should be given based on age. People starting off in the working world often think they know everything - it is part of the maturation process realising that you don't. Having managed teams of up to 70/80 people, the different levels cockiness/too-big-for-boots you see throughout age ranges are amazing. Some people keep it forever but based on your post, you seem to have realised your issues and have addressed them so fair play to you on this.
Secondly, you have been promoted by age 24. Regardless of fitting in with your colleagues, you have been recognised by management as someone with the ability to move upwards. This (in most places) is a sign that you are good at what you do and have earned this recognition from those with the power to make these decisions. If this management team are in any way competent, they will be aware of how you are perceived by other members of your team and they still made this decision. To my mind, management place more value on you than on the others. (This is an assumption as I have no idea how well these other have progressed within the industry but probably a safe assumption that they have not all been promoted.)
Unfortunately your promotion may not have helped your case in getting them back onside. Not being liked in the first placed, coupled with then being promoted, will have fed more into their dislike of you and also (more than likely) introduced jealousy into the situation which is never good. Keep in mind that these people will begrudge you your promotion given their perception of you.
Finally - do not sacrifice what you have gained for these people. You started badly, realised what you had done wrong, worked hard and then gained a promotion. Walking away because of "them" is not the right thing to do - only do this if "you" are completely sure that "you" want to go. You need to place a value on what you have done right and what you have gained, rather then look at just the opinion of these bullies. Mayhaps the benefits outweight the negatives? Only you can decide this but always remember to put a value on the positives of your situation also.
I hope it works out for you but just remember that work is work, colleagues are colleagues. Do you job well, be as respectful and courteous as possible but don't believe that you have to go out of your way to be "friends" with these people.
Best of luck.0 -
anonymous2424 wrote: »Long story short.. I have been at my current job for three years. When i first started I was a tad big for my boots and got on the wrong side of lets say the wrong people.. I was a little rude admittedly but never done anything drastically wrong.
What did you behave like at the start?0 -
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Irish_Elect_Eng wrote: »Deliberately isolating a person in a workplace is considered bullying.
They're not isolating her though she never said that. She just said they don't like her, which they're entitled to do - and she even admits it was initially her fault.
Plus, she got a promotion, so it's not actually affecting her job or career. It's just not a nice atmosphere to be in - but she made that bed.0 -
Kenny Bania wrote: »They're not isolating her though she never said that. She just said they don't like her, which they're entitled to do - and she even admits it was initially her fault.
Plus, she got a promotion, so it's not actually affecting her job or career. It's just not a nice atmosphere to be in - but she made that bed.
Sounds to me like they are isolating her though :
'I've definitely learnt a hard lesson!!!
I regularly get excluded from work events and treated like crap by my colleagues and they turn round and justify it by saying "nobody likes her". They also go out of their way to turn any new friends I make against me by saying don't be friends with her because "nobody likes her". Considering I keep my nose clean and am very nice to everyone now (and have been for years) I feel is going too far.
I'm in the process of looking for other jobs.
Thanks everyone, really appreciate your advise. '0 -
PaddyWilliams wrote: »Sounds to me like they are isolating her though :
'I've definitely learnt a hard lesson!!!
I regularly get excluded from work events and treated like crap by my colleagues and they turn round and justify it by saying "nobody likes her". They also go out of their way to turn any new friends I make against me by saying don't be friends with her because "nobody likes her". Considering I keep my nose clean and am very nice to everyone now (and have been for years) I feel is going too far.
Define "work events" though. If it's an official company event (like the annual Xmas party, or similar), then the company would be inviting her and the rest would have no say in it. The company obviously likes her, because she got a promotion - so her career is not being held back here.
But if by "work events", she's referring to her work colleagues socialising with each other outside of work, then they're not actual "work" events at all - that's their own free time which they can spend how they wish.
So while the OP may be calling these "work events" - it's most likely these are just work people going out together outside of working hours & off the premises. That's their own private time.
I know it's not ideal - but you can't ask HR to force people to socialise with you in personal time. If she has proof of it, she can certainly complain about them badmouthing her to others though. That is bullying, and that's the only official recourse she would have here. But the rest is not bullying.0 -
My 2 cents on the issue
I've acted at times like a complete so and so, but I have only ever done so through being aggravated with others. If others are nice with me, I am nice with them. If I ever meet someone for the first time I will go out of my way to be nice to them, but if the compliment is not returned it is hard to keep that up. I've regularly been insulted by people for no reason, so obviously they do not earn any respect for that. I've found that the people who are ultimately worth the most respect are those that don't necessarily have to be all smiles and chat but you know that they are respectful. They often come in with less than sunny faces, but they'll never attempt to belittle or insult you.
I can live with people not always being nice, once I know myself what they are like on a normal basis and will make leeway for them for the once in a blue moon occurrences.
Either ways, I would not let these people drive you out of your job. I'm guessing you like the job as you've stuck it out this far. I commend you for fixing your ways, that's not always an easy thing to do. You did make a horrible mistake at the start, but I feel most people deserve a 2nd chance, especially when they make attempts similar to those you have made. It looks like you may be able to progress up the ladder, so do not throw a chance like that away lightly. 'Haters gonna hate' as they say!0 -
Kenny Bania wrote: »Define "work events" though. If it' an official company event (like the annual Xmas party, or similar), then the company would be inviting her and the rest would have no say in it. The company obviously likes her, because she got a promotion - so her career is not being held back here.
But if by "work events", she's referring to her work colleagues socialising with each other outside of work, then they're not actual "work" events at all - that's their own free time which they can spend how they wish.
So while the OP may be calling these "work events" - it's most likely these are just work people going out together outside of working hours & off the premises. That's their own private time.
I know it's not ideal - but you can't ask HR to force people to socialise with you in personal time. If she has proof of it, she can certainly complain about them badmouthing her to others though. That is bullying, and that's the only official recourse she would have here. But the rest is not bullying.
I can't define 'work events' unfortunately. The OP will have to do that for us! But the part about going out of their way to turn others against her certainly is work related and apart from not being nice, in my view, is just plain wrong.0 -
PaddyWilliams wrote: »the part about going out of their way to turn others against her certainly is work related and apart from not being nice, in my view, is just plain wrong.
Yes, I agree with you there. But that's the only issue at hand really.
The rest seems to be just getting excluded from work drinks - which are not organised by the company, and staff are entitled to socialise with whomever they please in their own time.0 -
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anonymous2424 wrote: »Long story short.. I have been at my current job for three years. When i first started I was a tad big for my boots and got on the wrong side of lets say the wrong people.. I was a little rude admittedly but never done anything drastically wrong.
so ive been watching this thread over the past few days to see what would come about, there are a few facts you need to remember:
people not liking you at work isnt bullying.
you say you made a poor first impression- this sucks and unfortunately it reads like the people you made the poor first impression on are mean small minded people who have nothing better to do than **** around.Being the most popular people in the company they took it upon themselves to turn EVERYONE against me. All of a sudden everyone started blanking and hating me.Since then I have been nicer and whiter than white to everyone and really not put a foot out of place (Apart from when one girl accused me of spreading rumours which i most certainly wasn't spreading!).
being nice will not change the mean girl spirit that these people have. Try to grow from it and rise above it. Its hard but unfortunately thats life. its not fair or fun sometimes.
this properly didnt make things better, 'haters gunna hate' for want of a better phrase, mean people HATE to see people they dont like or value doing better than themThings got marginally better but I needed to stay at the company to get a promotion I desperately needed on my CV. Three years on I have my promotion, and everyone still dislikes meI'm obviously now known in the industry as the girl who nobody likes, i'm marginally autistic so struggle to make friends anyway. But despite admittedly being big for my boots when i started, am really nice to everyone now and have been for years.
i think you are now at the stage where you are over reacting a little, i understand this because it can wear you down but you need to focus on the things you can do. you say there are some people who are friendly with you, stick with them, be civil and respectful to the mean people but try and filter them out of your work life. forget about not being invited to things etc etc, thats not bullying unless it is a formal work event, and realisticly would you want to go for friday night drinks with these people?
if i can speak frankly, i work with a number of people on the autism spectrum and in general the daily work politics that come naturally to people are missing.
Its stupid things, like dropping subtle hints that someone is not treating you fairly, or that so and so dropped the ball on a big project, the stupid things people do at work to make themselves seem better than others, its small minded but it happens nearly everywhere.
in alot of offices across the world its the subtle bitchiness that makes the difference, men, women everyone office politics etc etc, these can be the things people with aspergers etc can not pick up on because they are so subtle.
If you are miserable, yes leave, if you can stick it out, start job hunting.
However definitely bring it to the attention of someone in management who you can trust, explain what you said above and tell them your not necessarily looking for them to get involved you just wanted someone else to know, they might be able to offer some insight.
Hope it all works out for you.0 -
To be honest I see two issues here. The OP went in with the wrong attitude and this set things off on a negative slant from the beginning.
Although she has since recognized her mistake and made efforts to change it (and been rewarded by promotion in the meantime), frankly it sounds like more of a playground than a workplace what with colleagues "blanking" her, turning others against her and so on.
I wouldn't have the patience to be dealing with childish shyte like that every day so I can't blame the OP for considering her options, but it's not bullying IMO - it's a bunch of immature women being petty and bitchy. You can't force people to like you I'm afraid but nor do you have to put up with that nonsense either.. If simply ignoring them isn't an option I'd probably just look for another job.0 -
Autonomous Cowherd wrote: »Oh, for the love of God, the amount of saints in this thread is making me press ''Unfollow''. Oy vey.
Its a fair question. How else are we to asses the situation.0 -
OP I think you have been very honest on the situation here , fair play
My Two cents , you will not turn this around so its best to move on , tbh at this stage of your career I always think you should move every 5 years or so anyway.
You have had a successful period got a promotion and upskilled yourself in the way this company works. You will learn a lot from experiencing different company cultures and ways of doing things.
This would be my advice even if you got on well with everybody , but add in that factor and I would turn the page , start again in a new company a little wiser.0
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