Explaining Death To Toddler

az2wp0sye65487

My father died just before Christmas.

We had a new baby the week he died, and we already have a 2yr old. She's nearly 3 now and is quite advanced for her age.

Her whole world was turned upside down in December - I wasn't going out to work every day, there were relatives home from abroad, there was suddenly a new baby in the house, and her grandad 'disappeared'.

She was all over the place emotionally (as we all were) and has since settled back down.

A while ago it seemed as if she had forgotten her grandad already - but now she recognises him in photos etc.

The thing is, he was fairly sick since before she was even born - so although we spent a lot of time with him and she would sit with him etc. they never had the 'normal' granddad/granddaughter relationship as they couldn't go off and play etc. But she still knew him & loved him.

So I'm wondering whether I should bring the subject of death up with her the next time she mentions grandad. If so, how to go about it? I'd not, why not?

I know that as she grows up her memory of him will fade away but there will always be photos around and questions are bound to crop up.

galah

Sorry for your loss. And a lot for a little one to deal with

I would explain it in as simple words as you can - if they want to know more they will ask. We explained the death of our son's great granddad in very simple terms when he was three - granddad was sick, and he died. When you die you are no longer around, but you always stay in the hearts of those who loved you. We did add ( this may come back to bite, I'm sure ) that you turn into a little star when you die, so you can watch those you loved from above if you want.

Keep it simple. I would only explain if she brings it up though, as in, if it comes up naturally.

az2wp0sye65487

galah wrote: »

Sorry for your loss. And a lot for a little one to deal with

I would explain it in as simple words as you can - if they want to know more they will ask. We explained the death of our son's great granddad in very simple terms when he was three - granddad was sick, and he died. When you die you are no longer around, but you always stay in the hearts of those who loved you. We did add ( this may come back to bite, I'm sure ) that you turn into a little star when you die, so you can watch those you loved from above if you want.

Keep it simple. I would only explain if she brings it up though, as in, if it comes up naturally.

Thanks. It was a weird time for us - so sad that he had died but then so happy to have our new daughter..... all in the same week!

Yeah I found myself wondering what I would say if she (older daughter) asks about him. Like I said - some days she mentions him and some days she doesn't even seem like she remembers him. I just think it will be sad for her to have no memory of him as she grows up. But that's life I suppose. Thinking about it - my own grandparents died when I was young and I don't have any strong memories of them.

Anyway I'll hopefully figure out what to say if she asks

jlm29

My father in law died in September. He actually lived with us, and my three and a half year old actually didn't bat an eyelash, even though he saw him every day. They got on quite well, but like that, my FIL was very elderly, and therefore could never take my son places, didn't really buy him stuff (obviously I'm not shallow enough to mind that, but my own mother, who is his only other grandparent is young, and he's very close to her, and she does spoil him a bit, so through the eyes of a three year old, im sure there would be a preference), so he wasn't particularly put out by his passing.
He's very sharp though, so I felt a need to try and explain things to him. It went a bit like this
Me: "Grandad was very sick, so he's gone to live in heaven now. He won't be sick up in heaven, and he will be able to do all the things he couldn't do when he was sick, and he will watch over us and mind us"
Him: "oh great, I can watch cartoons whenever I want now, because grandad won't be watching the news"

I did laugh, I'll be honest.

pwurple

Sorry for your loss, you must be reeling.

All I can offer is my own experience. it's sad that children will forget them over time. Childhood amnesia is at around age 7 I think.

We explained it to her as them being very old, and sick, and they died. I don't know if she understood at the the time (age 2-3), as she kept asking where they were. But now she understands a bit better I think (age 5). She sometimes draws pictures of them, and mentions some memories of them, but those memories are from video or photos we have with them.

I asked a counseller how to best help children through grief. The advice I was given was to let them bring it up themselves and listen to what they say, answer questions truthfully. Don't force conversations about it on them if they don't want to talk. and to be prepared they they may talk about it to others too, who may say it to you.