Immutable Truths/The Alternative Facts of Life

Toast does not always fall butter-side-down. Unless it's a Monday, then it does.

The number of ticket agents/sales clerks/bank tellers available is always inversely proportional to the number of customers.

The moment you allow yourself to believe you're going to complete a transaction at the automatic supermarket checkout without incident, it will tell you there is an unexpected item in the bagging area.

Peoples actual intelligence is inversely proportional to what they either explicitly or implicitly tell you it is.

The day you don't look in the direction that the traffic isn't allowed on a one-way street before crossing, is the day you'll get smushed by hybrid driven the wrong way, by a granddad who forgot his glasses.

You never get surprise visits when you're looking foxy and the house is tidy, only when you look like a hobo and you haven't tidied up in a week.

If you love children and play peek-a-boo with an adorable baby on a long haul flight, by the time you land you'll be booking the vasectomy/ligation.

If you hide a valued item somewhere safe, you will never see it again.

The best laid plans often turn to crap.

If you accidentally throw the receipt away, it'll stop working in exactly 72 hours. Unless it's really essential, in that case it'll break the same day.

The moment you leave that queue for another is the same moment it becomes the fastest queue in the place.

The day you leave the house in your new dress, with your hair behaving, your face glowing, your confidence sky high, looking stunning and feeling fab-u-lous, is the day you don't realise your dress is tucked into your knickers until you've commuted across a city.

Anything to add?

smash

Candie wrote: »

Toast does not always fall butter-side-down. Unless it's a Monday, then it does.

So there's no point trying this then?

razorblunt

If you throw that random thing out, you'll need it later that week.

If it can go wrong, it will go wrong.

Always strap toast to cat on mondays!

Chickarooney

It's like raaaiiinnnnnn on your wedding day

It's a free riiiiiiiide when you're already late

It's the good adviiiiiiice that you just didn't take

osarusan

Shint0

Five minutes after you wash your car a bird bombs all over it.

bonzodog2

I think bank tellers isn't a variable any more, just a constant 1.0

cowboyBuilder

Despite living in Barcelona with 4 days of rain a year - rain is guaranteed every time I organise a tennis match - or any outdoor activity.

The Backwards Man

Somebody will always stop to lend you a hand when you've finished changing the wheel at the side of the road in a cold wet winter's night.

Speedwell

Any business or organisation with "ethos", "ethical", "integrity", "honour", "reliable", or "Christian" in its name or advertising is sure to rip you off.

osarusan

The more words like 'democratic', 'people's' 'socialist' that a country has in its title, the less likely it is to be any of those things.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

The Backwards Man wrote: »

Somebody will always stop to lend you a hand when you've finished changing the wheel at the side of the road in a cold wet winter's night.

I know em, somebody, who once had to call breakdown people to come change a flat tyre. 90 crisp ones for the call out


Time cures nothing. It just leaves you to get more bitter and revengeful

maudgonner

Anything that claims it's 'even better than the real thing' isn't.

And I definitely Can Believe it's Not Butter.

A friend in need is a pain in the a$$.

luftmensch

If it seems to good to be true, then it probably is.

The day you decide you won't need to bring a coat, it will rain (Either that or it will be really cold. One way or another you will regret your decision).

As you're about to park the car, a song you like will come on the radio.

Chronicler

The waiter, who loves to appear from nowhere to ask you how your food is, as you've just taken a large bite, will invariably be nowhere to be seen when you want to pay your bill.

valoren

The day the Leaving Cert starts will always be a scorcher.

No one ever says "I'll just be a minute" and means it.

The_Valeyard

Always go for plan B as plan A never works

ScumLord

What goes up, must come down. Unless, it's a long range space probe.

maudgonner

All the things you should have done/checked* before you left the house will occur to you when you're 10 minutes down the road, and have no time to go back.

*Even if you have checked it you'll be convinced you haven't. Friggin' hair straighteners! :mad:

The_Valeyard

Candie wrote: »

No one ever says "I'll just be a minute" and means it.

Likewise when someone says "i'll be right back" in the movie. They dead.

indioblack

Candie wrote: »

The day you leave the house in your new dress, with your hair behaving, your face glowing, your confidence sky high, looking stunning and feeling fab-u-lous, is the day you don't realise your dress is tucked into your knickers until you've commuted across a city.

Think of all the new friends you'll make.

When any member of the Eastenders cast says "This year it'll be the best Christmas ever!", tragedy ensues.

valoren

A fool and his money is some party.

Olishi4

Candie wrote: »

When any member of the Eastenders cast says "This year it'll be the best Christmas ever!", tragedy ensues.

Also when a new character comes in and is super nice, they turn out to be really evil

RayM

Candie wrote: »

When any member of the Eastenders cast says "This year it'll be the best Christmas ever!", tragedy ensues.

On a similar note, whenever anyone in Eastenders is driving and looking happy, they will get momentarily distracted, their passenger will then shout "look out!!!" and there will be a crash. It won't just be any old crash - oh no, the car will inevitably hit something that'll cause it to spectacularly defy physics and fly into the air.

Olishi4

When you have to be up early, you are exhausted and would do anything for an extra half hour but on your day off, you wake up at the crack of dawn

FionnK86

Find a penny, pick it up, you'll have more feckin coppers that make your wallet a weird ballish shape.

ScumLord

Go to the shop to buy fags, come back with ice cream, a cup, milk, but no fags.

frozenfrozen

no good deed goes unpunished