Being witty with women

Otis_taylor2

Hi all,

This is a question i've been meaning to ask here for very very long time. How does one be witty when talking to women. How do you build that skill of wittiness or sense of humour? How do you be naturally funny?

I believe it also has to be spontaneous (as the conversation goes) and 'being prepared' to be funny is pointless. I understand it also depends on one's personality.

I don't seem to have that sense of wittiness as part of my personality or i've lost it somewhere in the past. I don't think i have any problems chatting up with anyone on the street (i think), although I see myself sliding towards being more serious/formal in most conversations with women.

So ladies and gentlemen, would you have any advice on how to be witty when talking to women, or how to be naturally funny?

All advices are welcomed

One eyed Jack

OP you will never, ever... ever, ever, ever, be able to fake being naturally funny. Attempting to be someone you think another person wants you to be, not only comes across as patronising to them, but you're also doing yourself a disservice, and then trying to keep up their expectations that you have to entertain them will be emotionally, mentally and physically exhausting for you.

Instead of trying to be who you think other people would want you to be, just be yourself, and people will find your true self far more interesting and easier to engage with than having to put up with your fake personality that drives them up them up the wall.

Some women will find your natural personality attractive, some women won't, and if you try to please them all, you'll only end up making yourself miserable, and nobody finds misery attractive.

DeadHand

Otis_taylor2 wrote: »

How do you be naturally funny?

May as well ask 'how do you be tall'? Either you have it or you don't.

Be yourself.

Concentrate on things you can improve such as being more relaxed and confident- who knows maybe your natural sense of humour will come to the fore then. In any case, approaching conversations with a set plan or role in mind such as making a deliberate attempt to be a funny guy will likely make for an awkward, contrived experience.

I find some younger men especially regard talking to possibly suitable women as some mystical endeavour to be undertaken with great caution and forethought. They're people too; approach them as such. Try to enjoy it without overthinking it- you'll meet with more romantic success (if that's your aim) and find the "failures" so much more enjoyable.

Otis_taylor2

Thanks Jack, thats very interesting never thought of it that way.

- so would you say its just something you know about from experience ?

- something that just comes naturally and no point overthinking it?

If you don't mind me asking, what has your experience been? would you consider yourself naturally witty, as in it just happens, or something you came to know about about (not 'learnt' in the strict sense) through experience.

I could possibly be overthinking this.

Anyone else any advice or point of view please feel free to share.

Panthro

Just talk to them as if they were ..ya know ..human like the rest of us!

Otis_taylor2

DeadHand wrote: »

May as well ask 'how do you be tall'? Either you have it or you don't.

Be yourself.

Concentrate on things you can improve such as being more relaxed and confident- who knows maybe your natural sense of humour will come to the fore then. In any case, approaching conversations with a set plan or role in mind such as making a deliberate attempt to be a funny guy will likely make for an awkward, contrived experience.

I find some younger men especially regard talking to possibly suitable women as some mystical endeavour to be undertaken with great caution and forethought. They're people too; approach them as such. Try to enjoy it without overthinking it- you'll meet with more romantic success (if that's your aim) and find the "failures" so much more enjoyable.

Panthro wrote: »

Just talk to them as if they were ..ya know ..human like the rest of us!

Thanks guys

I don't have a problem talking to women per se, i.e but after the initial contact i just feel i come across as less interesting, not much to talk or i'm driving the conversation to boredom, which made me think if its also of the sense of wittiness that is missing.

But as you said DH more relaxed and confident - something i have to work on.

spurious

Self-deprecating humour is often very attractive.

Otis_taylor2

spurious wrote: »

Self-deprecating humour is often very attractive.

I do that, maybe a bit too much. And too much of it comes across as lacking confidence, self-worth. I think.

Shint0

Are you saying you have a sense of humour around men but you are unable to express it around women or you perceive yourself to be lacking in a sense of humour in general? Would you partake in any workplace banter if your work environment lends itself to that? People do of course have different styles of humour which are not always compatible and a lot of humour can be lost in translation in inter-cultural contexts something which I have personal experience and is something I would miss from that aspect of a relationship if someone doesn't get my 'Irishness'.
To be honest I don't think you should try force the issue if it doesn't come naturally in any context but it can be a dealbreaker for some people I must admit.

Wibbs

One eyed Jack wrote: »

OP you will never, ever... ever, ever, ever, be able to fake being naturally funny.

This. You can get better at it if you have a natural gift for it, but you are either funny or you are not. Witty depends on the audience too. Some wit might go over a storm with one group or one woman and would fall flat on it's arse with another. Just like professional comedy. EG I find Stewart Lee about as funny as galloping leprosy of the man pods, yet others adore him. Plus some people have no humour in them, or it's buried very deeply, so even at your best you would be met with a face like an Easter island statue. With active haemorrhoids.

Be yourself is OK advice, but it's not far off "be funny" as it's only a start point. Find out what your strengths are and seek to improve them. Be the best self you can be in essence.

Otis_taylor2

Shint0 wrote: »

Are you saying you have a sense of humour around men but you are unable to express it around women or you perceive yourself to be lacking in a sense of humour in general? Would you partake in any workplace banter if your work environment lends itself to that? People do of course have different styles of humour which are not always compatible and a lot of humour can be lost in translation in inter-cultural contexts something which I have personal experience and is something I would miss from that aspect of a relationship if someone doesn't get my 'Irishness'.
To be honest I don't think you should try force the issue if it doesn't come naturally in any context but it can be a dealbreaker for some people I must admit.

I guess its a lack of a sense of humour in general. overall i do have to work on getting out a bit more.

Timberrrrrrrr

As others have said it's all about being you and not the you that you think they will like. You could say something g extremely witty to one woman and she will.laugh aloud touch your arm and say "that was brilliant" another woman may look at you like you are an alien being. All.women (and men) are different and what works in one situation may fail in another.

Otis_taylor2

Otis_taylor2 wrote: »

I guess its a lack of a sense of humour in general. overall i do have to work on getting out a bit more.

Well if that's just who you are, that's okay too. Not everyone expects to be entertained.

People can generally tell when someone is trying to be funny, so don't put too much effort into it. It can actually be quite wearing when someone is giving you their best witty lines and you're suddenly you're not having a conversation, but being an audience.

If you're getting along with women and have no issue chatting, it's not something you should worry about.

One eyed Jack

Otis_taylor2 wrote: »

Thanks Jack, thats very interesting never thought of it that way.

- so would you say its just something you know about from experience ?

- something that just comes naturally and no point overthinking it?

If you don't mind me asking, what has your experience been? would you consider yourself naturally witty, as in it just happens, or something you came to know about about (not 'learnt' in the strict sense) through experience.

I could possibly be overthinking this.

Anyone else any advice or point of view please feel free to share.

I couldn't say you were overthinking it at all OP because it helps to be aware of these things about yourself. You'll probably be able to tell for yourself anyway whether you really are overthinking it or not when you can't really think about anything else!

My opinion is based solely upon my own experiences, plenty of failures I try not to spend too much time thinking about and analysing, and even now at 39 and in a relationship for the last 20 years, I still get it monumentally wrong an awful lot of the time, and my wife has no problem reminding me just how much a pain in the hole I can be!

I don't consider myself naturally witty at all tbh, and there are plenty of times I wish I had an ability to be as articulate and to have a turn of phrase that some posters around these parts have! They're to be admired though rather than envied, because envy is just counter productive to your learning how to interact with and show understanding to other people.

I find personally that you get back what you put out there, and if you put yourself out there more and mix with a couple of different social groups, you'll always be increasing your chances of meeting interesting people, and meeting people who find you interesting.

YouTookMyName

1. Just be yourself
2. Make them feel at ease
3. The golden rule - always let them have their way.

It's easiest in the long run.

Wibbs

Not ragging on you YTMN, but I see this kinda thing a lot and since you were first in the line…

YouTookMyName wrote: »

1. Just be yourself

Good advice, but how? What if himself is coming across badly? If being himself worked he wouldn't be here looking for some guidance. Fair play that he has asked. That's step one. If he continues to just be himself without putting some effort into it he's likely gonna get nowhere. Unless he gets "lucky". Which all too often means being so grateful for attention he ends up chained by the first woman who gives him any. Now he may actually get lucky and I have seen that alright, but IMH and IME it's a near surefire way to attract a control freak and PITA(see below). Maybe it's just me and even though I know it is meant with genuine empathy and in the best spirit, but the "just be yourself" mantra is lazy as all hell. Let's make it so easy, because you're perfect as you are. Eh no. Unless your name is Mr Buddha(and even he could be a right selfish wanker. And yes I will happily point out where) you need work. Hell I need more work than a middle aged Hollywood starlet that ran out of botox a month ago. I'm likely beyond redemption, but younger, less cynical lads most certainly aren't.

2. Make them feel at ease

Again good advice, but how? Double how. You may as well say "just swim" to someone who has never learned. Never mind that different people have different levels of "ease".

3. The golden rule - always let them have their way.

It's easiest in the long run.

This one really winds me up TBH. Like that cheesy American ballsology of "a happy wife is a happy life" guff. What are men? Slaves to unexploded feminine grenades that might go off at any time unless you tiptoe around the place kowtowing? Sod that for a game of soldiers. It's incredibly sexist for a start. It is basically saying that women are daft, wilfully nasty and in need of constant emotional and life bolstering. Hey, make no mistake, some are, but given that so many men buy into this notion I'm not too surprised that many of the same some end up as harpies because the men in their lives rather than being equal partners in the relationship defer to them across the board. Put it another way there'd be no Irish Mammies(™) as partners if there weren't grown arsed Irish men willing to be surrogate sons for them. Well there might be, but they'd be alone. With cats. And would be a minority.

Otis_taylor2

Wibbs wrote: »

Find out what your strengths are and seek to improve them. Be the best self you can be in essence.

Timberrrrrrrr wrote: »

As others have said it's all about being you and not the you that you think they will like.

Grilled Fish wrote: »

Amuse yourself first and foremost, learn to not care what women think about you. When you take on these traits you will make women laugh even when you aren't actually being funny. Being funny shouldn't be the focus, that will come once you learn to self amuse and express yourself authentically. Learn to say what you are actually thinking more often when chatting with women. With the growing confidence you will naturally become more genuine and funniness will flow naturally from there.

Candie wrote: »

It can actually be quite wearing when someone is giving you their best witty lines and you're suddenly you're not having a conversation, but being an audience.

One eyed Jack wrote: »

I wish I had an ability to be as articulate and to have a turn of phrase that some posters around these parts have!They're to be admired though rather than envied, because envy is just counter productive to your learning how to interact with and show understanding to other people.

I find personally that you get back what you put out there, and if you put yourself out there more and mix with a couple of different social groups, you'll always be increasing your chances of meeting interesting people, and meeting people who find you interesting.

Thank you all for the advice some very interesting points there, will take them all onboard

YFlyer

Be relax and self assure.

One eyed Jack

One eyed Jack wrote: »

Instead of trying to be who you think other people would want you to be, just be yourself, and people will find your true self far more interesting

I think this advice is well meaning but not necessarily true

YFlyer

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I think this advice is well meaning but not necessarily true

Been fake be grand for one night stand. Not for long term relationship

YFlyer

YFlyer wrote: »

Been fake be grand for one night stand. Not for long term relationship

It was more the certainty that people will find the real you interesting. People will or they won't.

Shint0

Otis_taylor2 wrote: »

I see myself sliding towards being more serious/formal in most conversations with women.

Regardless of being naturally witty or having an aptitude for deadpan humour I do think the art of conversation is probably more important and that's actually something that can be learned and honed over time through developing an interest in various topics. If you listen carefully to people who do tend to talk lots, a lot of it is actually repetition and going on ad nauseum about the same points which would probably just fit on a page à la Albert Reynolds. You even find that a lot on boards here. Same circular arguments, same topics. SSDD (Same **** Different Day) yet they probably come across as very interesting and enlightened people.

I think paying attention to what's going on around you is key. As an example, I have zero interest in sport. Not even a passing interest. None. Nada. Yet, when driving to work listening to the news I always hear the sports bulletins directly after. I say hear. Not actively listen but some of it obviously sticks and if I met a guy, for example, (me being female), I can probably regurgitate and spew out a few different facts and appear to dazzle them with some knowledge of what's happening currently in the world of sport. Enough to make it seem I have not just emerged from a cave which lost transmission when people refer to Leicester, for example. In this regard I think it is possible to fake until you make it. Maybe that's something you can focus on more.

Junkyard Tom

Deleted User wrote: »

I think this advice is well meaning but not necessarily true

Nobody but nobody is 'themselves' when they're meeting people for the first time and when it comes to trying to impress a ladywoman you send out the best version of yourself.

In the longer term what's important is how close to your 'best self' your 'regular self' is. If your 'best self' is upbeat and jokey but your regular self is downbeat and a bit humourless then you're probably going to be disappointed.

Second Toughest in_the Freshers

DeadHand wrote: »

May as well ask 'how do you be tall'? Either you have it or you don't.

Be yourself...

*takes out notebook, writes

Bee.. Yourself...

Crow92

I don't understand how people think you're either funny or not, it's not like being tall, people learn to be funny, albeit usually at a younger age, but there's not reason someone couldn't become funnier with practise

Observation, timing and language are what I see as being different things you could work on objectively which could help you become funnier. As someone suggested, practice with some banter at work, one aspect of being witty usually involves slagging someone off (being it yourself or others).

Don't overly force anything, if you try too hard it'll come across as fake / stifled so baby steps and build up the confidence slowly.

LostinBlanch

As you can see, there's plenty of advice above. But what parts of it you'll take depends on you.

My tuppence worth is that you seem to be overthinking things, and in the middle of a conversation that's a no no. Then you start feeling more self conscious which shows in your body language, pauses in conversation, women picks up on this either consciously or subconsciously, and things start getting a bit awkward. There are a couple of things you could do to stop this happening.

Be taller :P I mean prepare for a conversation like having a basic plan of things you'd like to talk about. That way you don't have to worry about what to say and stop overthinking about it. Something like use the FORD acronym to cover things to talk about with anybody new - Family, Occupation, Recreation, Dreams. Then you can have some stories of your own to add to the conversation.

You could also try something totally different which will probably scare the cr*p out of you like doing some improv or stand up comedy classes. This is something to push you out of your comfort zone and get you used to telling a story in a stressful situation that just talking to someone new (male or female) will be a lot easier. You will probably get some advice on your delivery, tone of voice, body language etc; and you might enjoy it!

Sapphire

Wit is very subjective. I like a good sense of humour, a quick and clever wit personally, but it really depends, you know?

Lads type banter or slagging is generally a turn off for me. Wit that depends on ripping apart someone's appearance or being nasty also was something I might have found tolerable when I was in my early twenties but now I'm a bit older I now find it juvenile or tiresome. Someone who was a constant joker or a bit of a clown wouldn't do it for me either. But then, that could be exactly what another woman loves.

Don't forget that laughing at her jokes (if you like her humour that it!) is a very good way of showing you have a sense of humour. Listening is also a very useful chat-up skill that's vastly underrated.

The Black Oil

spurious wrote: »

Self-deprecating humour is often very attractive.

I remember someone, not on this website, with an internet signature that read: "Self-deprecation, saving others the bother since 198X". Being able to take the mick of yourself is useful, but as noted, overdoing it can come across poorly. Small doses and all that.

I'd have a fairly dry sense of humour, observational, mocking, generally meant in affection, never overly personal or stinging. I once got a strong tap on the arm because of a remark I made, it was the content and timing and a little bit of luck. At the other end of the spectrum, I simply don't do "Did you hear the one about _______?" a big long spiel, many twists and turns. It's not me.

"Be yourself" reminds me of the Father Ted episode where Ted said that to Dougal about the Sinead O' Connor type figure and he asks about her bra. :pac: There's a truth in it, of course. Don't over-extend yourself to be a certain way to fit into a perceived type around humour. And yeah, as mentioned, just keep an ear on the news bulletins, no harm re small talk even if you find the news stories dull.

lazybones32

Otis_taylor2 wrote: »

Hi all,

This is a question i've been meaning to ask here for very very long time. How does one be witty when talking to women. How do you build that skill of wittiness or sense of humour? How do you be naturally funny?

I believe it also has to be spontaneous (as the conversation goes) and 'being prepared' to be funny is pointless. I understand it also depends on one's personality.

I don't seem to have that sense of wittiness as part of my personality or i've lost it somewhere in the past. I don't think i have any problems chatting up with anyone on the street (i think), although I see myself sliding towards being more serious/formal in most conversations with women.

So ladies and gentlemen, would you have any advice on how to be witty when talking to women, or how to be naturally funny?

All advices are welcomed

This boils down to the old Nature V Nurture argument - either you have it or you don't?

I set my stall in the Nurture field. No-one is born a great leader; no-one is born wise or funny but with effort, practice and perseverance you can develop characteristics that you see as lacking within yourself.
Do you think Obama is a skilled orator by natural talent only? No. He practises the sh*t out of his speeches and rehearses and tweaks his emphasis; body language and gestures before delivering a seemingly free flowing, 'top of my head' speech.

You can start to become witty by reading up on witty people*: you don't have to read their life story, just some quotes by them (think Mark Twain, Oscar wilde, Groucho Marx, etc) and start making deposits to your memory bank, so you'll have le mot juste for the right occasion.

Rome wasn't built in a day and your personality won't change overnight. It takes time and lots of failures and foot-in-mouth experiences but eventually you'll get to a place that you're happy with. I would discourage any person from trying to improve themselves solely to impress someone or to get more tail but that's my thought on the matter.

Another way is to listen to people and observe them. Don't fawn over them but look, listen and observe. Talk with some older people too: I've found a lot of them can be so sharp and subtle, that they can be taking the piss out of you without you realising it. Their delivery can be so expert it could take 10mins before you realise there was a playful jab landed and you're the last one to get it. To go and retort when you finally do feel the sting would only make you look like a bigger daw.

It's easier to be pleasant, polite and gracious with women than to try and entertain them with anecdotes and witticisms in order to impress but if the ultimate motivation is to get her underwear off, I'd question the effort required...but hey, my username wasn't chosen carelessly.


*A site like A-Z Quotes is a friggin' goldmine for the collective observations and opinions of people throughout recorded history and would be a good starting point.

silverharp

its funny , nobody is ever given a manual on this but its a vital social skill. Amongst guys its part of the friendly rivalry but an important skill to assert yourself within any particular group and then as the great Hitch once commented, if a man cant make a woman laugh he wont be passing on his genes or something to that effect.
I'd stay away from clownish, puerile and even self deprecating humour , the better types come from observational , linking in anecdotes , humour based on absurdity , humour that demonstrates that you are well read. At the end of the day nobody wants a stand up comedian , if you can make the same person laugh once or twice a week you are doing it right.

Wibbs

silverharp wrote: »

Amongst guys its part of the friendly rivalry but an important skill to assert yourself within any particular group and then as the great Hitch once commented, if a man cant make a woman laugh he wont be passing on his genes or something to that effect.

There have been theories that funnier men tend to be cleverer with higher levels of testosterone and that male humour was a selected for trait for attractiveness and social jostling.

As for a manual for it. I would reckon that outside of nurture factors with social interaction skills there is a "sweet spot" of learning and experimentation when the mind is at its most plastic and able to adapt. I'd put that sweet spot in adolescence. A time when you're almost expected to be daft and do stupid things, until you find the "you" that fits.

It would be my wild ramblings that with the rise of social media and other pressures on kids today, young men in this case, this sweet spot can be missed. It's easier to avoid social interactions today and not be noticed as being apart. Or replace social interactions with social media ones. Although our privacy as a species is being eaten into*, in another way we've never been more allowed to be alone. Look at extremes like the chunk of a generation of outside of society young guys in Japan.

Trying to learn such things later on is doable, but more difficult. The mind isn't quite as adaptable and society tends to frown more on mistakes. Still doable mind you. Just be wary of sounding practiced, how to win friends and influence people stylee. That can come across as jarring even "creepy" where none of that is intended(though can depend on culture. Works more in the US type culture for example). You want to be more Steve Googan and not Alan Partridge if you see what I mean?






*Though privacy is a relatively modern construct so maybe we're reseting? Among hunter gatherers they are almost never alone. Ditto for older style agricultural societies. The religious hermit was a penance, not something actively sought out. I'd bet the farm that social anxiety is as rare as other illnesses of affluence in such societies too. Depressive illnesses are certainly rarer.

silverharp

Wibbs wrote: »

There have been theories that funnier men tend to be cleverer with higher levels of testosterone and that male humour was a selected for trait for attractiveness and social jostling.

As for a manual for it. I would reckon that outside of nurture factors with social interaction skills there is a "sweet spot" of learning and experimentation when the mind is at its most plastic and able to adapt. I'd put that sweet spot in adolescence. A time when you're almost expected to be daft and do stupid things, until you find the "you" that fits.

It would be my wild ramblings that with the rise of social media and other pressures on kids today, young men in this case, this sweet spot can be missed. It's easier to avoid social interactions today and not be noticed as being apart. Or replace social interactions with social media ones. Although our privacy as a species is being eaten into*, in another way we've never been more allowed to be alone. Look at extremes like the chunk of a generation of outside of society young guys in Japan.

Trying to learn such things later on is doable, but more difficult. The mind isn't quite as adaptable and society tends to frown more on mistakes. Still doable mind you. Just be wary of sounding practiced, how to win friends and influence people stylee. That can come across as jarring even "creepy" where none of that is intended(though can depend on culture. Works more in the US type culture for example). You want to be more Steve Googan and not Alan Partridge if you see what I mean?






*Though privacy is a relatively modern construct so maybe we're reseting? Among hunter gatherers they are almost never alone. Ditto for older style agricultural societies. The religious hermit was a penance, not something actively sought out. I'd bet the farm that social anxiety is as rare as other illnesses of affluence in such societies too. Depressive illnesses are certainly rarer.

Im definitely in the camp that there are more sex differences than people like to give credit to and humour is one of them I couldn't say if its been specifically selected for over millennia or more probably an intelligence and dominance marker that we culturally express , simply put someone with an IQ of 70 doesn't have the mental capacity to be funny. Men need to be funnier than women and its something you can even see in boys as they are heading into their teens. I remember years ago with my son , he had a great sense of humour but hated being teased or being the butt of a joke and I thought to myself he will never survive school with that attitude so over the years I have gone out of the way to gently rib him and just generally make him laugh and it seems to have worked.

yourdeadwright

Just be aware of your downfalls,
I constantly interrupt people I don't mean it but I know I do it
So when I do it on a date and realise I make light of it, I also have a habit of asking a question and then jumping to a different topic ,
I learned these things about myself and now give myself a few second to think about it before speaking on a date, Its not being someone else or faking it its just learning your weak points and trying to improve,

johnnyskeleton

Have you considered watching someone like dave allen for a while and making a study of his comic timing etc? Right down to the dramatic pauses, the way he uses his glass of whiskey as a prop etc?

Of course, its not always easy to do that in a social situation where there will always be a loudmouth butting in every gap in the conversation.

But for one on one converations, remember you dont have to fill every moment of silence. Allow a few seconds well timed pauses etc when youre telling a joke.

Also, and it might sound obvious, but have you considered googling jokes and making a list of the ones you find funny and trying to weave them into a conversation?

YouTookMyName

Wibbs wrote: »

Not ragging on you YTMN, but I see this kinda thing a lot and since you were first in the line…

Fúckin hell dude its a father ted qoute. I know nothing about dating.

LostinBlanch

YouTookMyName wrote: »

Fúckin hell dude its a father ted qoute. I know nothing about dating.

Down with this sort of thing.

Shint0

Something Wibbs touched was an interesting point in relation to testosterone levels. The other aspect in the general sense of why are some people more witty is individual brain chemistry and there's a long held association between comedy and 'madness'. People with ADHD, for example, can often have an off-beat, wacky sense of humour as can people with bipolar, such as Spike Milligan being the obvious one. When someone is going through a manic/hypomanic episode there can be a flight of ideas with thoughts and words jumping around and puns or witticisms tripping off the tongue. I've always believed there's a dopamine connection involved with rising or decreasing levels of this neurotransmitter. When some people begin treatment for mania there can almost be a perceived sense of loss of identity or change in personality as that fire in the brain which produces the comedic or artistic temperment can get dampened down. Tommy Tiernan being another example who has previously talked about his diagnosis of borderline personality disorder and dissociative experiences although I believe these to have a more environmentally related eitiology but clearly he has a darker side as do many comedians. The origins of a sense of humour from this perspective may be through a self-soothing coping mechanism where there is an unconscious inclination to increase dompaine and pleasure seeking.

So how does that relate to the OP's first initial question of how to 'become more witty with women'. Certainly not advising him to go out and score coke or speed but clearly it's quite complex and there are multiple factors involved aswell as someone else having mentioned there can always be a downside. The OP perceives his lack of natural wit may make him less appealing to women while many with the 'gift' can regularly plunge down into the inferno and get catapulted up again in the opposite direction. Trying to change any apect of your persona is not a short term strategy just for one particular purpose and has to be continually worked on and incorporated into your lifestyle. The OP might initially ensnare a lady with his new found sense of humour but the risk is that once in a relationship many people become comfortable and can revert back to type. It might be precisely this aspect which attracted any new flame. So one could be accused of falsely portraying their persona just like in the 'fake lips' thread what happens when the lips deflate or the lipstick wears off? Is falsely representing one's personality a bigger crime? (Better not to go there ) Bottom line is changing for anyone other than yourself and especially in relationships can lead down a very slippery slope.

Legal Action

You can't learn to be witty with women. Accept your limitations and move on from there.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

You say you find yourself sliding into being more serious/formal with women, do you think that's coming from nervousness maybe? Or that you're feeling a pressure to be funny and that's making things worse? Are there peer groups or situations where you find you would naturally be witty to an extent?

I'd be in the camp that says it's very difficult to 'learn' to be witty. And like many people have said there's no one form of humour that's going to amuse everyone. And if it goes wrong, if it comes across as forced or false, that's a lot worse than not being funny at all.

There is a world of difference between being serious and being boring, or being a downer. Definitely don't be a downer, but fecking relentless banter can be just as off-putting honestly. There are plenty serious-minded women out there.

Be interesting. That means having interests, having a healthy degree of confidence and so on. Be interested, meaning listen, respond and basic stuff like that.

And I don't know if it's any comfort, and it's certainly not true in every case, but often the funniest person in the room is (or has in the past been) a horribly insecure person. Humour can be as much a way to keep people at a distance as to attract them. Ever hear women complain about 'the emotionally unavailable guy'? That fellah's usually funny.

So yeah, being witty might get a foot in the door a bit easier, but there are far more important, far more controllable factors, especially if you're looking for a relationship rather than just fix six, pick up chicks.

Wibbs

johnnyskeleton wrote:

Have you considered watching someone like dave allen for a while and making a study of his comic timing etc? Right down to the dramatic pauses, the way he uses his glass of whiskey as a prop etc?

Also, and it might sound obvious, but have you considered googling jokes and making a list of the ones you find funny and trying to weave them into a conversation?

I see where you're going with this JS and way more than is usual in such discussions, you're actually mapping out something to do rather than fire out the easy platitudes, so kudos. However - and shoot me down in flames if you will Sir - but I'd say that is going to come out forced and false in the vast majority of cases. To re-reference my previous line you want to be more Steve Googan and not Alan Partridge. Whoever you are you have to avoid the danger of becoming a personage, rather than a person. Only the extremely talented can get away with the former for very long and even then they're usually tiresome and welcome only in small doses. Wheeled on to fire out another "witty" anecdote and then eff off.

And I say that as someone who could easily be the "loudmouth butting in every gap in the conversation". In social situations my default is often to be "on". In your face. And someone - a social combative in a way - who would actively relish the joust and back and forth that might come up. Folks sometimes muse about online V offline personas but the truth is I'm actually far more measured and dialled down here in text on the interwebs and I have this site to thank for that TBH. The years have taken that edge off, by choice and thankfully.

And yes, you will get more attention overall and yes you will get more attention from women, often quite the bit more*. However there can defo be a selection bias going on within that. And often not such a good one. Even when the selection bias isn't in play and you end with someone cool, I can tell you this; I had someone I cared about drift away from me at least partially because - and she told me straight out - that she often felt invisible and ignored as my girlfriend in social situations when I was in that zone. She came to feel she was another social prop in the, my mix. I was so used to getting the feedback from whatever group I was in I missed the individuals within it. Including her. Unreal. That happened more than once TBH, but it only finally hit me with her because I actually cared for her, so listened for a change.

So TBH, FWIW and YMMV, that's maybe a peek behind the curtain of the other side for you guys who find themselves socially tongue tied and feel left on the sidelines.

I'd be 100% right behind you on this part though JS. And advice I've often missed and still can.

But for one on one converations, remember you dont have to fill every moment of silence.

But I'm trying, Ringo. I'm trying real hard to be the shepherd

Bentlee Brave Rower wrote: »

Be interesting. That means having interests

*that right there folks, is the sound of a nail being hit squarely, roundly and loudly on the effin head*



*the banal and comforting to far too many answer is "chicks dig dicks". I have seen that mentioned a lot here on Boards down the years by guys. Yep, I won't BS you, that can be true with some, but more, it's a human group social thing. People in groups generally tend to broadly pick up on and be "attracted" to three things; hierarchy, confidence and "vibe". If it's fun and easy and you're appearing to be providing the fun and easy you get more attention overall, so naturally you get more attention from women/men[delete as applicable to your particular tastes] though much more in play with men. But that is a group thing and is a temporary thing.

Otis_taylor2

Legal Action wrote: »

You can't learn to be witty with women. Accept your limitations and move on from there.

limitations? what are those? i don't think i have any .. i was born ready with a sense of wit to make any woman see the lighter side of life :pac:

But on a serious note as a few posters before said i guess its just about being comfortable in your own skin, having a sense of self-depreciating humour, just being free within and approaching any women and just talking. you can always pick up on something particular that comes up in the conversation, it may happen naturally as the conversation goes, or may not.

Legal Action

One thing for sure I've learned is don't use self-deprecating humour. It's an easy way to make girls laugh but just lowers your value and worth.

Shint0

Legal Action wrote: »

One thing for sure I've learned is don't use self-deprecating humour. It's an easy way to make girls laugh but just lowers your value and worth.

That's not always necessarily true, Legal Action. A healthy sense of humour is actually the ability to be able to laugh at oneself warts and all. It can be a sign of maturity and can be very liberating. Of course if somebody constantly has a 'woe is me' attitude that can easily be detected and any attempt at self-deprecating humour can go down like a lead balloon.

Legal Action

Shint0 wrote: »

That's not always necessarily true, Legal Action. A healthy sense of humour is actually the ability to be able to laugh at oneself warts and all. It can be a sign of maturity and can be very liberating. Of course if somebody constantly has a 'woe is me' attitude that can easily be detected and any attempt at self-deprecating humour can go down like a lead balloon.

I get you, it's important to be able to laugh at yourself, but I've known men who take the piss out of themselves quite regularly and it just gets old.

Dial Hard

Legal Action wrote:

I get you, it's important to be able to laugh at yourself, but I've known men who take the piss out of themselves quite regularly and it just gets old.

This x1 million. There's a gaping chasm between being able to laugh at yourself and making yourself the butt of every joke.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

After a certain point it comes across as fishing for compliments too, or maybe that's just me

Shint0

Legal Action wrote: »

I get you, it's important to be able to laugh at yourself, but I've known men who take the piss out of themselves quite regularly and it just gets old.

Dial Hard wrote: »

This x1 million. There's a gaping chasm between being able to laugh at yourself and making yourself the butt of every joke.

I can't say I encounter this regularly. I'm curious to know what would be an example, just out of interest?

Legal Action

Shint0 wrote: »

I can't say I encounter this regularly. I'm curious to know what would be an example, just out of interest?

A guy I used to know played drums in band and would make comments like "I'll be walking down the street, hear the band playing, go over to check it out and they'll have a replaced me!" And we'd laugh but after a while it's like, you're a pretty good drummer, stop putting yourself down. Same with other aspects of his life.

Admittedly, he was a pretty extreme example but it go me thinking of how you're perceived by others when you take the piss out of yourself.

Irish_Elect_Eng

I come across a quite witty in person, but I have no clue how to explain it to anybody.

The one thing that I would say is that the key skill to master is actually listening. Firstly people like to engage with folks that are interested in them. And are more open to someone that listens first, then replies, so lay the groundwork. After all anybody genuinely interested in us has great taste :-) The good news is that you can train yourself become an active listener, just google it.

One of the keys to humor is that it really help if the topic is one of interest to your audience.

Riders Of Rohan

Ok my advice for this is, well being witty isnt really hard, think of it as bullying them but do it with a smile, never say sorry if you think they have took offence. Now when I say bully, I dont mean real bullying just pick on her and dont over do it, cause thats just trying to hard and thats my definition of witty
AAAYYYYY

mzungu

Riders Of Rohan wrote: »

Ok my advice for this is, well being witty isnt really hard, think of it as bullying them but do it with a smile, never say sorry if you think they have took offence. Now when I say bully, I dont mean real bullying just pick on her and dont over do it, cause thats just trying to hard and thats my definition of witty
AAAYYYYY

That's absolutely terrible advice, and it borders on that PUA nonsense. In no way should any anybody engage in that BS. To the OP, if you're still reading do not do any of what is bolded above.