22 year old - searching for direction.

Audioh8

Ok, so as stated I'm a 22 yr old guy, average looking and having relatively poor social skills.
My question is really how do I even begin to develop myself as an adult, ie creating an identity for myself?

My lack of social skills, coupled with poor self esteem and a severe lack of confidence have resulted in me feeling pretty lost at the moment following the end of my term as a college student.
The catch is, people tend to perceive me as a guy who is simply arrogant or disinterested in them due to the barrier I have created to deal with my insecurities and anxieties.

Due to my ability to conceal this side of my side, coupled with the qualities i do have, I have managed to land myself a role as a Finance technician in a private company, and thus at the very least, a stable income and a sense of direction for the short term.

I guess, what I am looking for is advice from people who have been/are in a similar situation, or anyone's opinion positive or negative on my situation.

I feel myself that by changing myself in a massive way, (ie I have began following a strict diet and workout program over the past two months, and currently saving up to enhance my teeth as much as reasonably possible) will result in an upturn of myself on some level, although I'm also aware this would most likely be a short term spike in how I feel about myself. Then again, I live in a society now where looks and appearances are used to assess someone, therefore with a radical physical overhaul would I then find myself in a better position to live my life?

thanks for reading, much appreciated!

Blacktie.

Find something you enjoy and immerse yourself in it. Building a skill or knowledge about something and developing a passion will really enhance your life and develop your confidence and not just in that area either it will spread to your everyday life. You just have to find what it is you really enjoy doing.

silverharp

agree with above , your twenties are a great time to find a passion/s . its also the decade that decides your career path. so well done on getting the job but now consider getting a professional qualification related to your job.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

onmebike

I'd probably be somewhat similar. In my case, I spent a lot of my 20s just going to pubs with people and that was my pastime. In my 30s I discovered cycling as an adult and wish I had done it years ago. It gave me something to do, something to achieve, something to aim for and it's a big part of my identity now. Gyms never worked for me in terms of losing weight and, in hindsight, I found them boring. Getting out on the bike and becoming fit enough to cycle up the mountains was a challenge and interested me. I'm not very good at it and I don't race, but that's not why I do it.

I'm still not a social leader or anything like that, but this (along with age) has helped me recognise who I am. I still wouldn't say that I have a particular definition of myself though. I am who I am.

As others have said, I think the big thing is to find something you enjoy and do it. Just do it. Don't look back in 10 years and wish that you'd joined a football club or taken up Irish language classes or something a bit earlier.

ancapailldorcha

Fair play to you for sorting yourself out professionally OP.

I think a lot of people "fall into" their lives, ie they settle down without really trying different things or living abroad. They tend to stay friends with people they knew growing up and it can appear therefore that they've everything they want. I'm about 28 and I'd be in a similar situation to yourself. I emigrated but I've had to move around a lot for work. I'd advise maybe trying a few different things and seeing what works. It can take a while and will require persistence. Meetup.com is a common recommendation if you want to meet new people. Travelling alone is also highly recommended by many.

fancy pigeon

My own experiences:

I have always been into cars but towards my late teens I found myself interested in computers. I went to college and when I graduated I.... Was unemployed for a few years. Finding out what suited me, what I liked etc. Now at 26 I've started my career in the IT world however at times I feel I've started too late. This is a far cry from what I would have seen myself as in my teens

For social skills I would have been very poor on initial contact at the start of my 20s. Once people get to know me, I generally open up and can start to feel less anxious. However I pretty much put myself out there in countless social situations and as a result I don't feel awkward in most social situations/approaching women on a night out etc

Use your 20's to explore and find yourself

Hi OP.

Well I have read over your post a few times to analyse a bit - and what strikes me - aside from the fact you posted essentially this exact thread not that long ago - is that most of what you wrote is a little disconnected from the thread title.

The post itself starts with listing or denigrating attributes of yourself you are not happy with. Social skills, esteem, confidence, looks and so on. And how you think others perceive you.

You refer to "qualities" that you do have but do not list a single one of them. Which is quite telling in it's own way too. Are they - for example - not of a quality that you really feel them even worth mentioning? Some introspection there might be useful.

And then you finish up the post by talking about some possible changes you can make - mostly to your appearance.

So the disconnect I see between your post and the title is none of the actual post discusses "direction" at all. At most you discuss individual attributes you might like to work on. You say "live my life" - but what life? Do you have goals? A place you would like to be or end up?

A CEO? Wife and kids? Famous? Rich? A winner in some form of competition or sport? Without a goal how can one choose a direction other than randomly? Without a destination in mind - how would you choose a turn at a cross roads in your car?

So you ask us to give feedback on direction - without giving us the smallest indication of where you want to go - or what you enjoy - or what makes you _you_.

So it seems some introspection on what you want from life and what you enjoy in life could be a useful starting point - and if something comes from that the direction to take to get there could quickly become clear - or at the least give us more material to work with to guide you.

Finally I notice how you say we live in a society now where looks and appearances are used to assess someone. While this _can_ be true it does not _have_ to be true. People will assess you on whatever you _give_ them to assess you with. If looks and appearances are all they get - then sure - that is what they will use.

But one can put other data out there too - in word and deed - action and self representation - and even second hand through things like how people around us treat us or react to us. Quite often for example if I am trying to assess a person I do not know in public and social situation - I do not just "read" them - but the people around them too.

We read data from lots of sources about people - often without realising it - and while I can not deny we live in a superficial society - it may not be as extreme as you think.

I myself am your typical under sized IT nerd type looks wise - with zero fashion sense or coordination - no hair or beard style to speak of save chopping it back short twice a year - but in a social situation I do work to ensure people who might assess me - have as many other data streams other than my appearance to work with.

But yea mostly the goal thing - what kind of things do you want in life and where do you want to end up? Goals first - direction later - might be the way to go for you.

drunkmonkey

Get maybe 2 years work experience under your belt in that job if it's going ok, get some money together and travel, see some of the world, go out on your own you'll meet so many people in the same boat, just remember it's all about the journey not the destination. That will change your life and your ability to interact with people.
It'll hit you some day your comfortable and happy, just remember to stop for a minute and enjoy it once it happens.