splitting bills with partner

BoatMad · 08-06-2016 4:34pm

Alf Veedersane wrote: »

In what way?

If you're wondering if I had no disposable income after bills etc would she take a bigger portion of the costs, then the answer is yes, in a heartbeat. She has already offered to contribute more repeatedly but while I have my own disposable income at the end of the month then I don't see why I should.

She earns her money. I have no issue with her doing with it whatever she sees fit. She earned it.

The concept of marriage seems to lost on many posters

Alf Veedersane · 08-06-2016 4:36pm

BoatMad wrote: »

The concept of marriage seems to lost on many posters

In what way?

BoatMad · 08-06-2016 4:37pm

Alf Veedersane wrote: »

In what way?

If you're wondering if I had no disposable income after bills etc would she take a bigger portion of the costs, then the answer is yes, in a heartbeat. She has already offered to contribute more repeatedly but while I have my own disposable income at the end of the month then I don't see why I should.

She earns her money. I have no issue with her doing with it whatever she sees fit. She earned it.

So let's say she had 4x your disposable income , she jets off on expensive holidays while you slum it in Butlins or whatever.

Or to reverse it and apply a 50s mentality , you work at home , he has all the disposables , you get " a little something for yourself do you ? "

Jeepers

BoatMad · 08-06-2016 4:38pm

Alf Veedersane wrote: »

In what way?

Fundementally it is a process of sharing or becoming a " couple " not a pair of individuals.

So you share the workload, the kids ,all the stuff

And the money ,..

Alf Veedersane · 08-06-2016 4:41pm

BoatMad wrote: »

So let's say she had 4x your disposable income , she jets off on expensive holidays while you slum it in Butlins or whatever.

Or to reverse it and apply a 50s mentality , you work at home , he has all the disposables , you get " a little something for yourself do you ? "

Jeepers

They both sound like plausible scenarios alright. Jesus wept.

If that's how you think it goes in a normal marriage then I can see why you'd have an issue.

Alf Veedersane · 08-06-2016 4:45pm

BoatMad wrote: »

Fundementally it is a process of sharing or becoming a " couple " not a pair of individuals.

So you share the workload, the kids ,all the stuff

And the money ,..

So you can't be a couple because she doesn't give me over a chunk of her disposable income, which I don't need....even if you manage everything about your life together?

Right so, Ted.

BoatMad · 08-06-2016 4:47pm

Alf Veedersane wrote: »

They both sound like plausible scenarios alright. Jesus wept.

If that's how you think it goes in a normal marriage then I can see why you'd have an issue.

I know of several just like that , I know one wife working in a clothes shop simply to get a disposable income , yet her husband earns stacks. I know of one high powered women that treats herself to expensive cars while the hubby has a banger ( that one just broke up)

I cannot help but view seperate distinct financials as problematic . I draw the distinction where money is grouped and then by agreement split , ie with agreed personal disposables taken out of the lump sum.

handlemaster · 08-06-2016 4:48pm

PARlance wrote: »

You know the answer yourself OP. Don't try to convince yourself that you don't.

Great reply . . Says it all

BoatMad · 08-06-2016 4:49pm

Alf Veedersane wrote: »

So you can't be a couple because she doesn't give me over a chunk of her disposable income, which I don't need....even if you manage everything about your life together?

Right so, Ted.

You miss the point , it's about sharing and shared decision making. Not about what then happens after the agreed sharing.

Alf Veedersane · 08-06-2016 5:12pm

BoatMad wrote: »

I know of several just like that , I know one wife working in a clothes shop simply to get a disposable income , yet her husband earns stacks. I know of one high powered women that treats herself to expensive cars while the hubby has a banger ( that one just broke up)

I cannot help but view seperate distinct financials as problematic . I draw the distinction where money is grouped and then by agreement split , ie with agreed personal disposables taken out of the lump sum.

They're completely different scenarios. What you've described is one of the two essentially going without.

Our marriage isn't defined by the division of disposable income because we both have enough disposable income and it has never been an issue where I go without.

You're free to judge us based on those two completely different scenarios though.

jcon1913 · 08-06-2016 5:13pm

HardenendMan wrote: »

I wonder what response the OP's boyfriend would get if he posted something like...

My girlfriend lost her job a few months ago and still hasn't got another. She believes she will be successful in starting a business, despite having no cash to even pay for her desired lifestyle. I am left to foot the majority of living expenses. I love her and all but I think it's gone on a bit too long at this stage.

Sensible post - walk a mile in my shoes and all that.

rawn · 08-06-2016 5:17pm

Alf Veedersane wrote: »

They're completely different scenarios. What you've described is one of the two essentially going without.

Our marriage isn't defined by the division of disposable income because we both have enough disposable income and it has never been an issue where I go without.

You're free to judge us based on those two completely different scenarios though.

I agree with you, my whole point is that both should end up with enough money to function as equals after bills are paid. It doesn't really matter if one has more than the other as long as it doesn't leave the other having to borrow or go without. Whereas in the OP's case, she was handing over nearly all of her income and running up debt to her partner, who is temporarily earning significantly more than her. This creates an awful imbalance and to me seems unhealthy for a loving relationship.

Alf Veedersane · 08-06-2016 5:25pm

rawn wrote: »

I agree with you, my whole point is that both should end up with enough money to function as equals after bills are paid. It doesn't really matter if one has more than the other as long as it doesn't leave the other having to borrow or go without. Whereas in the OP's case, she was handing over nearly all of her income and running up debt to her partner, who is temporarily earning significantly more than her. This creates an awful imbalance and to me seems unhealthy for a loving relationship.

Apologies, I didn't draw the connection.

Making someone go without is a completely different thing. Making them go without or willingly letting them go without is a horrible thing to do.

BoatMad · 08-06-2016 5:27pm

rawn wrote: »

I agree with you, my whole point is that both should end up with enough money to function as equals after bills are paid. It doesn't really matter if one has more than the other as long as it doesn't leave the other having to borrow or go without. Whereas in the OP's case, she was handing over nearly all of her income and running up debt to her partner, who is temporarily earning significantly more than her. This creates an awful imbalance and to me seems unhealthy for a loving relationship.

Ive no proble, where for example income is pooled , common bills are paid and the remaining disposable income is halved and made available to each person.

I do have an issue where differing incone levels and not sharing , results in unequal standards of living between partners.

One eyed Jack · 08-06-2016 5:30pm

rawn wrote: »

I agree with you, my whole point is that both should end up with enough money to function as equals after bills are paid. It doesn't really matter if one has more than the other as long as it doesn't leave the other having to borrow or go without. Whereas in the OP's case, she was handing over nearly all of her income and running up debt to her partner, who is temporarily earning significantly more than her. This creates an awful imbalance and to me seems unhealthy for a loving relationship.

Still no answer though as to whether that was actually the original arrangement between them or not though, and given that the OP mentioned that they were keeping receipts of what they spent the money on that they borrowed, it's fairly safe to assume that between them they had arranged that she would pay it back at some point. I think the OP felt they were getting the raw end of the deal because they were doing all the domestic chores while their partner came home from work and did none.

The fact that the OP mentioned that she sold her car and would be back to her usual spending habits as soon as she was financially independent again, suggests that she may want to review not just her relationship with her partner, but also her relationship with money, financing and budgeting, particularly if she has intentions of her business making any sort of a profit.

Alf Veedersane · 08-06-2016 5:32pm

BoatMad wrote: »

I do have an issue where differing incone levels and not sharing , results in unequal standards of living between partners.

It doesn't automatically mean unequal standards of living.

08-06-2016 6:22pm

BoatMad wrote: »

rawn wrote: »

the remaining disposable income is halved and made available to each person.

No way, I'd see that as madness and wouldn't do it regardless of difference in income. I think income should be kept separate and I wouldn't agree to giving up more of my disposable income in order to equal things nor would I expect a gf/wife to do it either.

I'd have no problem treating the other person if I was earning more, pay for flights away, better presents, help buying a car etc but it would be my decision and I wouldn't hand over the money into a pool.

4ensic15 · 08-06-2016 6:23pm

There is no point in having a dog and barking yourself.

Samaris · 08-06-2016 6:29pm

I think there's a fairly obvious point that keeps getting skipped in all this, which is that all -couples- are different too and as long as things are agreed and both sides are content, does it really matter whether it's with a joint account or two separate ones? Or indeed a joint account and individual ones. Certainly money shouldn't be being held against one partner in the relationship or being used as a weapon, so to speak, but that's a case of disparity and power imbalance.

Dord · 08-06-2016 6:47pm

jimgoose wrote: »

Couples who use joint accounts and joint accounts only are not in a healthy place, in my opinion. This is because it is invariably the woman who ends up as Guardian of ATM and Credit-Cards, as well as Ye Cheque Booke. This is outrageous, and completely unacceptable. I know a couple of buck-apes who go around without a solitary bob and have to ask in order to put a sup of diesel in the car. Can you imagine it??

A joint account works well in conjunction with separate, personal accounts, and a certain pro-rata amount regularly submitted to it by both parties to cover the usual recurring necessities, rent/mortgage, utilities, essential household, etc.

OP, your OH is a weird control-freak and you need to either kick him into good order or get out.

Myself and my wife have a joint account only and no issues. Both salaries go in and all expenses comes out. If either one wants to buy something they do. For large purchases we would usually discuss first. No issues for us, it works fine.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k · 08-06-2016 6:51pm

Define a large purchase though?

Dord · 08-06-2016 7:01pm

LexieOnRale wrote: »

Define a large purchase though?

It's all relative. Not going into specifics.

Regarding the OPs situation I don't understand that they're starting a new business while out of work. Doing so would certainly take time and money. It would seem the best option would be to find immediate work while working on the business on the side until it's sufficient to provide a good enough income.

Tordelback · 10-06-2016 8:59am

Dord wrote: »

Myself and my wife have a joint account only and no issues. Both salaries go in and all expenses comes out. If either one wants to buy something they do. For large purchases we would usually discuss first. No issues for us, it works fine.

Likewise. We've been togther 27 years at this point, and have done this since we started living together. In that time we have both had significant periods of unemployment, high wages, pay cuts, expensive college courses, unpaid leave for childcare, inherited money, long illnesses, financial losses due to stupidity... and in all that time it has never seemed like a bad idea: it's OUR money, doesn't matter who's earning it. If I'm spending more than Eur50-100 on something, I'll mention it first - not ask for permission, jusf make her aware. Larger or long term financial matters (joining a gym, buying a car, planning a holiday), we'll discuss it. It works.

How long-term couples deal with having entirely separate accounts based on 'their own' income I just don't understand. How does it work when one of you have to take an unpaid day to look after a sick kid? Or pay for parking in the airport when you go to collect the in-laws? Do you operate a vouched expenses system?

Alf Veedersane · 10-06-2016 9:22am

Tordelback wrote: »

How long-term couples deal with having entirely separate accounts based on 'their own' income I just don't understand. How does it work when one of you have to take an unpaid day to look after a sick kid? Or pay for parking in the airport when you go to collect the in-laws? Do you operate a vouched expenses system?

They would constitute shared costs.

irelandrover · 10-06-2016 9:26am

rawn wrote: »

I agree with you, my whole point is that both should end up with enough money to function as equals after bills are paid. It doesn't really matter if one has more than the other as long as it doesn't leave the other having to borrow or go without. Whereas in the OP's case, she was handing over nearly all of her income and running up debt to her partner, who is temporarily earning significantly more than her. This creates an awful imbalance and to me seems unhealthy for a loving relationship.

Can i come back to the part in bold. How much money does the boyfriend of the OP have left over at the end of every month?

She stated that she earned significantly more than him so i'd guess he doesnt earn a huge wage. Maybe he has even less left at the end of every month. A lot of people here are judging the boyfriend without knowing anything about his financials.

jimgoose · 10-06-2016 9:27am

Tordelback wrote: »

...How long-term couples deal with having entirely separate accounts based on 'their own' income I just don't understand. How does it work when one of you have to take an unpaid day to look after a sick kid? Or pay for parking in the airport when you go to collect the in-laws? Do you operate a vouched expenses system?

Corporate AMEX and an automated expense reimbursement system. Or, y'know, just pay for the damn whatever-it-is as it arises and unless it's a new engine for her car or something, don't worry about it! :pac:

rawn · 10-06-2016 11:47am

irelandrover wrote:

Can i come back to the part in bold. How much money does the boyfriend of the OP have left over at the end of every month?

She didn't say, but seeing as she's left with basically zero I'd assume he has more leftover than she does. OP hasn't returned for quite a while. But he views it all as his money, rather than it being shared.

irelandrover · 10-06-2016 11:56am

rawn wrote: »

She didn't say, but seeing as she's left with basically zero I'd assume he has more leftover than she does. OP hasn't returned for quite a while. But he views it all as his money, rather than it being shared.

My point was that no-one has any idea what his financial situation is. Given that their combined income has taken a significant hit considering she was the bigger earner that's its likely he hasn't a lot left.

We also don't know how money was arranged previously. It seems to be that the OP spent a lot of money on herself as she could afford to. Maybe he was handing up nearly all his money previously.

cocker5 · 10-06-2016 11:56am

We get paid into our own banks accounts… pay over everything house, bill related into a joint account… We split EVERYTHING 50/50 bills… mortgage.. food… nigh’st out.. holidays etc.

My leftover cash after everything we split is mine to spend (or not) and vice versa.

draiochtanois · 10-06-2016 12:21pm

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beach_walker · 10-06-2016 12:25pm

draiochtanois wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

Well in fairness, all we're told about that is that she makes the dinner...

draiochtanois · 10-06-2016 12:28pm

This post has been deleted.

rawn · 10-06-2016 12:29pm

irelandrover wrote:

My point was that no-one has any idea what his financial situation is. Given that their combined income has taken a significant hit considering she was the bigger earner that's its likely he hasn't a lot left.

irelandrover wrote:

We also don't know how money was arranged previously. It seems to be that the OP spent a lot of money on herself as she could afford to. Maybe he was handing up nearly all his money previously.

We only know the OP's side so yes there could indeed be more to the story. But going on the information we've been given it's unlikely, i got the impression that they've only just moved in together so maybe she only spent so much on herself before that (all guesswork, not a lot to go on). I doubt she'd be complaining about it here if they were both left broke at the end of the month. (But who knows! )

Irishcrx · 10-06-2016 12:34pm

Wow - that's not fair in the slightest , you need to have a conversation with him but he sounds like a right tight nut.

Bills should be split in proportion to earnings or just an agreement of who pays what that's fair.

I earn a lot more than my girlfriend and have no issue paying the mortgage , bills and everything that comes with it and I wouldn't ask to contribute, the little money she earns from her part time job I leave to her because it woulnd't be fair...I'd see it as mean to ask her for money. She buys shopping once a week and thing's for our son and she's ever stuck or needs money I'd just give it to her..I'd be mortified to be keeping tabs.

This is a huge red flag for you especially considering kids.

cocker5 · 10-06-2016 12:34pm

draiochtanois wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

there are three side to every story... his , hers and then the real truth!

irelandrover · 10-06-2016 12:50pm

rawn wrote: »

We only know the OP's side so yes there could indeed be more to the story. But going on the information we've been given it's unlikely, i got the impression that they've only just moved in together so maybe she only spent so much on herself before that (all guesswork, not a lot to go on). I doubt she'd be complaining about it here if they were both left broke at the end of the month. (But who knows! )

I know that we only got one side of the story. Its just that side has a few holes in it in my eyes.
-How can you possibly spend until 10pm every night doing housework in a house of 2 people
-the OP said she cut back on all possible expenses, going to the cheapest possible hair dye. Since when is hair dye a necessity?
- The OP sold their nice Audi. Where is this money? Surely they have thousands in the bank from this sale.

rawn · 10-06-2016 12:55pm

irelandrover wrote:

I know that we only got one side of the story. Its just that side has a few holes in it in my eyes. -How can you possibly spend until 10pm every night doing housework in a house of 2 people -the OP said she cut back on all possible expenses, going to the cheapest possible hair dye. Since when is hair dye a necessity? - The OP sold their nice Audi. Where is this money? Surely they have thousands in the bank from this sale.

Maybe working on setting up her business, plus housework? They could both be slobs

Ah come on now.

Maybe the money ran out paying bills or, again, goes towards her business?

PLL · 10-06-2016 1:16pm

Samaris wrote: »

I think there's a fairly obvious point that keeps getting skipped in all this, which is that all -couples- are different too and as long as things are agreed and both sides are content, does it really matter whether it's with a joint account or two separate ones? Or indeed a joint account and individual ones. Certainly money shouldn't be being held against one partner in the relationship or being used as a weapon, so to speak, but that's a case of disparity and power imbalance.

Complete agreement.

At the moment my oh supports myself and our daughter. I am in college until 2018, I get a grant which pays for childcare for my daughter. No issues. My partner forsees I will be working in a good job in a few years.

We were in his bank the other day and I picked up some leaflets. He laughed because I study in Finance and he thought I was reading them for the Craic. I said I wanted to join the bank when I work as, I like the bank and think it would be handy to have the same bank for the future. He said 'oh yeah, you mean open a joint account for bills etc and have a certain amount go out of our own account into it each month'. I actually hadn't thought that far ahead but agreed yep it's a good idea. That was it.

I think it is more to do with you mindset than anything. For us as a couple to agree about money so easily is great. I appreciate that some people wouldn't want either of the above situations to occur. That's were we all differ.

If I was working and my partner lost his job I would support him without a second thought. If he got dole I would ask would he go to aldi and get some shopping like I sometimes do with my grant money. He has mentioned wanting to do a masters maybe in the future. If he had to stop working I would support him fully.

You have to find someone who is financially supportive of you as you would be of them otherwise it'll be a nightmare.

11-06-2016 10:07am

[quote=Tordelback;99985090

How long-term couples deal with having entirely separate accounts based on 'their own' income I just don't understand. How does it work when one of you have to take an unpaid day to look after a sick kid? Or pay for parking in the airport when you go to collect the in-laws? Do you operate a vouched expenses system?[/quoted]

I don't understand how you would want to operate your way to be perfectly honest. Joint account for the mortgage paid into 50/50. Everything else seperately accounts, bills paid and reimbursed 50% to who paid, split meals, nights out etc and keep a tally and settle up who owes who every so often and keep complete control of your own account and your own money.

Irishcrx wrote: »

I earn a lot more than my girlfriend and have no issue paying the mortgage , bills and everything that comes with it and I wouldn't ask to contribute, the little money she earns from her part time job I leave to her because it woulnd't be fair...I'd see it as mean to ask her for money. She buys shopping once a week and thing's for our son and she's ever stuck or needs money I'd just give it to her..I'd be mortified to be keeping tabs.

This is a huge red flag for you especially considering kids.

If you were living in a houseshare and earned multiples of your housemate would you expect them pay less rent or not pay 50% of the bills? It's not massively different living with a gf/partner/wife.

irelandrover · 11-06-2016 10:50am

Karson Ripe Tomahawk wrote: »

[quote=Tordelback;99985090

How long-term couples deal with having entirely separate accounts based on 'their own' income I just don't understand. How does it work when one of you have to take an unpaid day to look after a sick kid? Or pay for parking in the airport when you go to collect the in-laws? Do you operate a vouched expenses system?[/quoted]

I don't understand how you would want to operate your way to be perfectly honest. Joint account for the mortgage paid into 50/50. Everything else seperately accounts, bills paid and reimbursed 50% to who paid, split meals, nights out etc and keep a tally and settle up who owes who every so often and keep complete control of your own account and your own money.

If you were living in a houseshare and earned multiples of your housemate would you expect them pay less rent or not pay 50% of the bills? It's not massively different living with a gf/partner/wife.

It is extremely different to living with in a houseshare. Do you genuinely see the stranger you share a house with the same as your GF?

rawn · 11-06-2016 10:59am

Tomas Delicious Hearse wrote:

If you were living in a houseshare and earned multiples of your housemate would you expect them pay less rent or not pay 50% of the bills? It's not massively different living with a gf/partner/wife.

It's COMPLETELY different!

jcd5971 · 11-06-2016 11:15am

My gf makes more than me, we were splitting everything 50/50.

Then one day she said we had to talk, I panicked as you can imagine :-)

But no she pointed out that I was stopping her enjoying our money by being stupid so she said she wanted us to keep a 100 every week for ourselves for whatever the hell we wanted.

And put everything else into a joint account for meals food, bills, car tax and insurance nct,rent socialising shopping cinema everything.

She said this as we were a couple not 2 flatmates, she was right.

Maireadio · 11-06-2016 2:38pm

Karson Ripe Tomahawk wrote: »

Everything else seperately accounts, bills paid and reimbursed 50% to who paid, split meals, nights out etc and keep a tally and settle up who owes who every so often and keep complete control of your own account and your own money.

If there was a big difference in income between a couple, this system would result in the couple doing less things together as one half of the couple would not be able to pay 50% for everything and if they did, they'd have little money leftover for savings.

I'm an advocate of separate accounts but at the same time realise it's not going to work for everything to 50/50 in a couple with a big difference in income. If I earned way more than my fella, I'd happily pay for more of the meals we have out together and other discretionary spending. Otherwise we'd be stuck in every night twiddling our thumbs.

Tordelback · 12-06-2016 7:16pm

Karson Ripe Tomahawk wrote: »

I don't understand how you would want to operate your way to be perfectly honest. Joint account for the mortgage paid into 50/50. Everything else seperately accounts, bills paid and reimbursed 50% to who paid, split meals, nights out etc and keep a tally and settle up who owes who every so often and keep complete control of your own account and your own money.

Because we're a long term partnership... our financial lives are one and the same. There's no 'settling up', all our resources are pooled: time, money, intellectual, emotional. If I have 90 quid and my missus has 10, we have 100 quid between us to spend: she doesn't 'owe' me 40. Is that really such a strange way to be?

12-06-2016 9:35pm

Tordelback wrote: »

Because we're a long term partnership... our financial lives are one and the same. There's no 'settling up', all our resources are pooled: time, money, intellectual, emotional. If I have 90 quid and my missus has 10, we have 100 quid between us to spend: she doesn't 'owe' me 40. Is that really such a strange way to be?

As I said I wouldn't be in favour of the pooling scenario I prefer to keep my own money and spit bills or expenses etc, split them 50/50 and pay my share from my account which I have total control of. This is how I operate things and I'm also in a long term relationship. We wouldn't even know how much the other have in our current accounts to be honest at any given time of the month.

SarahMollie · 13-06-2016 9:22am

Karson Ripe Tomahawk wrote: »

As I said I wouldn't be in favour of the pooling scenario I prefer to keep my own money and spit bills or expenses etc, split them 50/50 and pay my share from my account which I have total control of. This is how I operate things and I'm also in a long term relationship. We wouldn't even know how much the other have in our current accounts to be honest at any given time of the month.

Nox, from what I can tell from your previous posts you've got a girlfriend, but you don't yet live together.

I don't know anyone who pools money before living together. The scenarios people are outlining are about longer relationships than yours, where there are other ties such as property, kids, etc.

That said, if there is an income disparity between you both, I hope the higher earner treats the other person from time to time.