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Not Inviting Specific Family Members Etiquette

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  • 08-06-2016 9:42am
    #1
    Walter H Price
    Registered Users Posts: 1,839 ✭✭✭


    So basically we're getting married November 17 , everything is booked and organised and all of of our family and friends etc have been told dates and stuff.We had to do some of it a little earlier then we'd of liked in order to get better room rates from the hotel, including setting up a private group on facebook for invited guests.

    My OH has a fairly big family and has never gotten on with one of her Uncles so has chosen not to invite him or any of his kids. I have a really small family with only 2 Aunts and uncles on either side and 7 Cousins. But i have not spoken to one of my aunts since i was a child and i have no relationship with her 3 kids, she has never even been introduced to my Fiance despite the fact we are together 6 years, so naturally (to me anyway) she and her family also will not be invited.

    we've told our parents from the start that these difficult family members would not be on the guest list and got a mixed reaction. We already no both my aunt and her uncle are expecting invites from what we have hear from other family members.

    what i'm wondering is what is the etiquette for informing a relative they are not invited ? should we just leave it and allow them to assume they are not when the don't receive a save the date or invite by post or should we text them or send them a letter or something just giving them a heads up that they wont be going.
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    #2
    Speedwell
    Registered Users Posts: 3,809 ✭✭✭Speedwell


    You simply don't invite them. Their reactions and the reactions of your other family members are on themselves, not you. Make your guest list and refuse to be bullied.


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    #3
    Walter H Price
    Registered Users Posts: 1,839 ✭✭✭Walter H Price


    Speedwell wrote: »
    You simply don't invite them. Their reactions and the reactions of your other family members are on themselves, not you. Make your guest list and refuse to be bullied.

    Yeh to be honest bot our parents and my gran parents were totally fine with it , to be honest no one in my family was expecting my aunt to be invited i've no idea why shes expecting one to be honest. One or two people in my Fiences family were a bit annoyed that she wasn't inviting her uncle but there's no way of either of us giving in on it we have limited numbers because its a small church so we have our max numbers now and those two family's are not included.


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    #4
    stargazer 68
    Registered Users Posts: 5,100 ✭✭✭stargazer 68


    Yep simply dont send an invite - dont be drawn on any reasons by anyone. My OH is not inviting his brother in law. His sister and kids are invited but was not having her husband there for anyone!


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    #5
    drunkmonkey
    Registered Users Posts: 28,151 ✭✭✭✭drunkmonkey


    In fairness to your Aunt she's probably minded you and changed your nappy at some stage even if you can't remember, uncle probably loves your soon to be bride as well just doesn't show it.
    I'd invite them, if the don't want to be there they won't go.
    It's your day though if someone is going to upset you by being there don't invite them.
    If ye have kids or something in the future and they send a present or a card or even a decent wedding present you might regret snubbing them.


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    #6
    Speedwell
    Registered Users Posts: 3,809 ✭✭✭Speedwell


    drunkmonkey wrote: »
    In fairness to your Aunt she's probably minded you and changed your nappy at some stage even if you can't remember, uncle probably loves your soon to be bride as well just doesn't show it.
    I'd invite them, if the don't want to be there they won't go.
    It's your day though if someone is going to upset you by being there don't invite them.
    If ye have kids or something in the future and they send a present or a card or even a decent wedding present you might regret snubbing them.

    The OP has only so much room and so many resources and probably damn good reasons for wanting to leave the aunt out of it. It can't have been an easy decision... or, on second thought, if it was an easy decision, all the more reason to refuse to be bullied about changing their minds.

    I told the people who wanted to revise my guest list for me that they were welcome to pay the cost for each guest they wanted me to add.


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    #7
    Walter H Price
    Registered Users Posts: 1,839 ✭✭✭Walter H Price


    drunkmonkey wrote: »
    In fairness to your Aunt she's probably minded you and changed your nappy at some stage even if you can't remember, uncle probably loves your soon to be bride as well just doesn't show it.
    I'd invite them, if the don't want to be there they won't go.
    It's your day though if someone is going to upset you by being there don't invite them.
    If ye have kids or something in the future and they send a present or a card or even a decent wedding present you might regret snubbing them.

    I haven't actually spoken to her since i was 10 she never came to anything my confo 16 18 21st etc saw her once a year at Christmas till i was old enough to just avoid that too, no relationship their at all , there are people i feel allot closer too who are friends , colleagues , team mates etc that id much rather have their.

    My OH is a bit the same a bit different she never had a row with her uncle but hes not as close to the rest of her family hes not gone to allot of her big birthdays and so on and also he can make a bit of a tit of himself when hes a bit of drink on board and is a bit of a black sheep in her family who are all working class but hard working , he just lives of the state and is quite proud of that , so i think shed be a bit embarrassed having him there anyway.


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    #8
    bur
    Registered Users Posts: 1,689 ✭✭✭bur


    Do either parents have much contact/good relationship with the aunt or uncle in question? I'd consider doing it for them personally, it's only four extra guests, never mind the cousins. They might say they are okay with it, but they might not want to upset the bride or groom either.

    Are they the type to cause a scene at the wedding?


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    #9
    Malari
    Registered Users Posts: 18,150 ✭✭✭✭Malari


    With us it wasn't even a case of "we'll pick one family from each side" it just happened to be the cousins/aunts and uncles we are closest to. The people we see regularly because they live close by.

    LOTS of people who weren't invited sent us gifts and cards as well, I don't see what that has to do with anything. But you have to draw the line somewhere and not let anyone dictate your guestlist!


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    #10
    Walter H Price
    Registered Users Posts: 1,839 ✭✭✭Walter H Price


    bur wrote: »
    Do either parents have much contact/good relationship with the aunt or uncle in question? I'd consider doing it for them personally, it's only four extra guests, never mind the cousins. They might say they are okay with it, but they might not want to upset the bride or groom either.

    Are they the type to cause a scene at the wedding?

    My Mam wouldn't have much time for my aunt neither would my other aunt , without sounding bias here she is genuinely not a very nice person, they are more annoyed i haven't invited the kids to be honest but its not a personal thing with them i've limited numbers n despite being my cousins i have literally 0 relationship with them , like i've seen them once or twice in the last 6 years.

    Dunno too much about MY future mother in laws relationship with her brother , i think she would rater he was invited to keep the peace but shes not one to interfere , i think he has kicked off at some there events before and his lifestyle and his views are definitely an embarrassment to allot of them , again ive only met him once or twice so i don't really know.


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    #11
    irish_dave_83
    Registered Users Posts: 144 ✭✭irish_dave_83


    Personally I would invite them. It causes less hassle and needless worry. Plus form their point of view, being the only family member that isn't invited can't make them feel good at all.

    But regards to etiquette, you just simply don't invite them, they wont bring it up with you, but they might with your respective parents.


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    #12
    lazygal
    Registered Users Posts: 12,644 ✭✭✭✭lazygal


    We didn't ask all relatives on both sides. We both have difficult family members and couldn't be doing with the stress of worrying about their behaviour on the day. I heard through the grapevine than one person on my side was a bit miffed, but we figures it was our wedding, we were paying for it and we got to choose-and there's no way we were having people at our day just because we happened to be related to them.
    We also both have rakes of cousins we rarely see. We don't expect invitations for their weddings, so we didn't invite them to ours, only the ones we'd regularly see.


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    #13
    Milly33
    Registered Users Posts: 8,645 ✭✭✭Milly33


    Ah I would think if ye don't want to invite them then don't.. More than likely they will give out if they aren't invited and they will moan if they are..

    If you most certainly do not want them there on the day then just say nothing. And if perhaps ye do meet just say well you didn't feel like ye were close or that ye haven't meet in so long..

    If ye are kinda a little maybe ye should invite them, then just invite them to the afters! Leave it at that..


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    #14
    Walter H Price
    Registered Users Posts: 1,839 ✭✭✭Walter H Price


    The real issue is that my aunt has just kinda assumed shes going , i know shes mentioned it to my mam and my grandparents who both have been told she's not invited so that makes it a bit awkward for them.

    My preference would have been to just say nothing and let it dawn on that shes not invited , but i think she should probably be told in some manner just so it makes it less awkward for my grandparents who are in their 80's and my mam. I think my OH's uncle was complaining about the price of rooms and the fact they'd have to stay over to one of her aunts which again was a bit awkward.

    No interest in creating any drama would rather just nip it in the bud like but i don't know if either of them are adult enough to just accept it and not kick up a fuss.


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    #15
    Malari
    Registered Users Posts: 18,150 ✭✭✭✭Malari


    I find it really odd that anyone would just assume they are being invited! If it was me I'd say nothing and let them realise it themselves. If they are already complaining about the potential cost then they sound like they would be just as happy not to be invited?


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    #16
    lazygal
    Registered Users Posts: 12,644 ✭✭✭✭lazygal


    Malari wrote: »
    I find it really odd that anyone would just assume they are being invited! If it was me I'd say nothing and let them realise it themselves. If they are already complaining about the potential cost then they sound like they would be just as happy not to be invited?

    This. Other people's expectations aren't your responsibility. Sometimes I think we tiptoe around adults who are difficult far too much. So what if someone isn't asked to a wedding, surely they have coped with larger disappointments in life. The older I get the more I realise sometimes you're better off being selfish and suiting yourselves because you'll get little or no thanks from people who will take offence or give out no matter what you do.


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    #17
    rainbowtrout
    Registered Users Posts: 15,382 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    You never see these people, and have no relationship with them. The expectation of an invite is entirely in their own heads. You owe them nothing, it's not even a case where your parents told them they were invited when they weren't. No need to tell them formally they are not invited. That will just open up a channel of communication which you don't need the hassle of. They'll work it out when they don't get an invite. Even if they are put out about it, it's not like you're going to see them any time soon.


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    #18
    Walter H Price
    Registered Users Posts: 1,839 ✭✭✭Walter H Price


    Malari wrote: »
    I find it really odd that anyone would just assume they are being invited! If it was me I'd say nothing and let them realise it themselves. If they are already complaining about the potential cost then they sound like they would be just as happy not to be invited?

    Yeh have to say i found it really odd as well like , shes genuinely been to nothing despite being invited to everything from my 10th birthday , my 16th ,18th , Debs , College Grad, 21st the lot she was invited to them all by my mam and either had an excuse or just didn't show. she left her family (though not divorced or separated) and moved to the middle east 4 years ago and since then i haven't seen her once bar briefly at my gandads 80th , shes never met my fience like. but shes asking about dates because she may need to book flights well in advance etc for the wedding i was a bit shocked to be honest like , how she thought she would be invited i have no idea.

    My mam has just been telling her we've no date set yet despite the fact its all booked since February, like i said would rather just nip it in the bud like and let her know she wont be invited to the wedding or afters and i dont really know how she can expect to be.


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    #19
    Speedwell
    Registered Users Posts: 3,809 ✭✭✭Speedwell


    Walter H Price wrote: »
    Yeh have to say i found it really odd as well like , shes genuinely been to nothing despite being invited to everything from my 10th birthday , my 16th ,18th , Debs , College Grad, 21st the lot she was invited to them all by my mam and either had an excuse or just didn't show. she left her family (though not divorced or separated) and moved to the middle east 4 years ago and since then i haven't seen her once bar briefly at my gandads 80th , shes never met my fience like. but shes asking about dates because she may need to book flights well in advance etc for the wedding i was a bit shocked to be honest like , how she thought she would be invited i have no idea.

    My mam has just been telling her we've no date set yet despite the fact its all booked since February, like i said would rather just nip it in the bud like and let her know she wont be invited to the wedding or afters and i dont really know how she can expect to be.

    I'm trying hard not to laugh at the mental picture of her showing up on the day to gate crash and having to stand in the back of the church and sit without a meal at the reception.


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    #20
    SarahMollie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,843 ✭✭✭SarahMollie


    Walter H Price wrote: »
    Yeh have to say i found it really odd as well like , shes genuinely been to nothing despite being invited to everything from my 10th birthday , my 16th ,18th , Debs , College Grad, 21st the lot she was invited to them all by my mam and either had an excuse or just didn't show. she left her family (though not divorced or separated) and moved to the middle east 4 years ago and since then i haven't seen her once bar briefly at my gandads 80th , shes never met my fience like. but shes asking about dates because she may need to book flights well in advance etc for the wedding i was a bit shocked to be honest like , how she thought she would be invited i have no idea.

    My mam has just been telling her we've no date set yet despite the fact its all booked since February, like i said would rather just nip it in the bud like and let her know she wont be invited to the wedding or afters and i dont really know how she can expect to be.

    Humm, if theres talk of booking flights then maybe someone should just tell her. Its unfair that your mam constantly has to fudge things wiht her on your behalf.

    Maybe just send her a quick email explaining that you've heard that she's been inquiring, but that due to your venues numbers you've been unable to invite her as you are prioritizing people who both of you have met in person.

    I wouldn't mention anything about her being a no show to all of your previous events in the first instance. Maybe only if she kicks up a fuss, you could argue that since she's never attended previously, you'd no reason to believe this would be an exception, but numbers are fixed now so your hands are tied.


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    #21
    Dardania
    Registered Users Posts: 3,612 ✭✭✭Dardania


    Send an invite to the afters?


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    #22
    Malari
    Registered Users Posts: 18,150 ✭✭✭✭Malari


    Walter H Price wrote: »
    Yeh have to say i found it really odd as well like , shes genuinely been to nothing despite being invited to everything from my 10th birthday , my 16th ,18th , Debs , College Grad, 21st the lot she was invited to them all by my mam and either had an excuse or just didn't show. she left her family (though not divorced or separated) and moved to the middle east 4 years ago and since then i haven't seen her once bar briefly at my gandads 80th , shes never met my fience like. but shes asking about dates because she may need to book flights well in advance etc for the wedding i was a bit shocked to be honest like , how she thought she would be invited i have no idea.

    My mam has just been telling her we've no date set yet despite the fact its all booked since February, like i said would rather just nip it in the bud like and let her know she wont be invited to the wedding or afters and i dont really know how she can expect to be.

    I guess if she's been invited to all of your significant life events thusly far, that's why she's assuming she's being invited! :pac:

    But this is different, as there are two of you involved in the guestlist here. You could say what we did, depending on the size of your wedding - we only invited people we BOTH knew and had met before.


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    #23
    Walter H Price
    Registered Users Posts: 1,839 ✭✭✭Walter H Price


    SarahMollie wrote: »
    Humm, if theres talk of booking flights then maybe someone should just tell her. Its unfair that your mam constantly has to fudge things wiht her on your behalf.

    Maybe just send her a quick email explaining that you've heard that she's been inquiring, but that due to your venues numbers you've been unable to invite her as you are prioritizing people who both of you have met in person.
    .

    see that's kinda my thinking , i don't want it to have to fall to my ma or my grandparents either telling her or letting it slip like , would probably just be best to send a text or email letting her know that her and her family weren't invited.


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    #24
    Walter H Price
    Registered Users Posts: 1,839 ✭✭✭Walter H Price


    Dardania wrote: »
    Send an invite to the afters?

    Shes definitely the sorth that would go and then kick off at the afters about not being invited to the whole thing , sort of a very angry person , so i think a clean break s best here no invite at all . to be honest she has been no real part of my life to now and she certainly wont feature at all in the future so i don't feel too bad about it at all.


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    #25
    Soft Boiled
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 37 ✭Soft Boiled


    Only invite the people you want to be there - simple.

    There were relatives on both sides that didn't get an invite to our wedding, simply because we had no relationship with them and no intention of inviting people just for the sake of it.

    Never discussed our invite list with family either - why would you? - it was our wedding, and we were paying for it.

    No idea if anyone was put out by this or not and to be honest I wouldn't care if some random aunt or uncle was.


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    #26
    Ficheall
    Registered Users Posts: 9,030 ✭✭✭Ficheall


    Walter H Price wrote: »
    Yeh have to say i found it really odd as well like , shes genuinely been to nothing despite being invited to everything from my 10th birthday , my 16th ,18th , Debs , College Grad, 21st the lot she was invited to them all by my mam and either had an excuse or just didn't show.
    Slightly OT, but how do you remember all this stuff?
    I can't remember who was at any of my birthdays, nor what I did for them - even these allegedly "big" ones...


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    #27
    Mrs OBumble
    Registered Users Posts: 25,886 ✭✭✭✭Mrs OBumble


    SarahMollie wrote: »
    Humm, if theres talk of booking flights then maybe someone should just tell her. Its unfair that your mam constantly has to fudge things wiht her on your behalf.

    Maybe just send her a quick email explaining that you've heard that she's been inquiring, but that due to your venues numbers you've been unable to invite her as you are prioritizing people who both of you have met in person.

    This.

    Either you have to tell her, or you have to find someone else who will do it for you.

    What's suggested above is the adult approach: you're not sending a "you're not invited" (how rude!) but you are clarifying the situation.


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    #28
    Milly33
    Registered Users Posts: 8,645 ✭✭✭Milly33


    People are gas with the notions they have.... And how badly they take not being invited to weddings, very sad in one way..

    May you could just bottle it and give her a ring short and simple have a reason for ending the call quickly. Write something out on a piece of paper to tell her as such why she isn't getting and invite..Done and dusted.


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    #29
    Walter H Price
    Registered Users Posts: 1,839 ✭✭✭Walter H Price


    Ficheall wrote: »
    Slightly OT, but how do you remember all this stuff?

    I can't remember who was at any of my birthdays, nor what I did for them - even these allegedly "big" ones...

    Fair point i suppose i have quite a small family like 4 Aunts (2 on either side) and 7 cousins , plus my then 4 now 3 grandparents and 1 sister .... so when one out of 4 Aunts and 3 out of 7 cousins aren't there it's somewhat obvious. and it caused a few rows in the past like i didn't want her at my 18th or 21st and my ma insisted then ended up with egg on her face when she was a no show , think that's kinda why she's not bothered this time. My Grandparents had a big row with her over her not coming to my confo because i think they were a little embarrassed by her no showing up.

    Not like i missed her at any of those events in fact most i didn't want her at but the absence was noticeable like.


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    #30
    Ruby31
    Registered Users Posts: 197 ✭✭Ruby31


    Walter H Price wrote: »
    So basically we're getting married November 17 , everything is booked and organised and all of of our family and friends etc have been told dates and stuff.We had to do some of it a little earlier then we'd of liked in order to get better room rates from the hotel, including setting up a private group on facebook for invited guests.

    My OH has a fairly big family and has never gotten on with one of her Uncles so has chosen not to invite him or any of his kids. I have a really small family with only 2 Aunts and uncles on either side and 7 Cousins. But i have not spoken to one of my aunts since i was a child and i have no relationship with her 3 kids, she has never even been introduced to my Fiance despite the fact we are together 6 years, so naturally (to me anyway) she and her family also will not be invited.

    we've told our parents from the start that these difficult family members would not be on the guest list and got a mixed reaction. We already no both my aunt and her uncle are expecting invites from what we have hear from other family members.

    what i'm wondering is what is the etiquette for informing a relative they are not invited ? should we just leave it and allow them to assume they are not when the don't receive a save the date or invite by post or should we text them or send them a letter or something just giving them a heads up that they wont be going.

    We had a guest at our wedding, but their other-half was specifically told to stay away. This person has caused no end of trouble at family gatherings and we didn't want to risk it for our wedding. People were full of opinions, telling us we couldn't possibly do that. Well we did and we had a fab day without any drama.


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    #31
    Faith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,657 Mod ✭✭✭✭Faith


    SarahMollie wrote: »
    Maybe just send her a quick email explaining that you've heard that she's been inquiring, but that due to your venues numbers you've been unable to invite her as you are prioritizing people who both of you have met in person.

    Yep, absolutely this. We invited all of my aunts and uncles, despite not really wanting them there, but they had at least met my fiance a couple of times.

    Aside: Is it common for aunts and uncles to attend birthday parties?! Maybe my family is different, but there wasn't so much as a mention made of extended family joining any celebrations like that.


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