Not Inviting Specific Family Members Etiquette

mahamageehad

Only in Ireland is this kind of thing a problem, I've seen more fights about this than anything else. I was discussing a case recently with my mam of a friend who was dealing with family fall-out for hand-picking the aunts, uncles and cousins she was close to. I think it's a silly situation, you should invite whoever you bloody want, but she was under a lot of pressure to invite them all as it was "expected". She didn't in the end and there's still grief over it.
When I was telling the story to my mam, she responded "Of course you'd have to invite them all", presumably referring to her 10 siblings and my fathers 12 siblings plus their other halves. I was like no way!!!!!! good thing I'm not getting married, I just find the family thing to be such an Irish thing!!!

ChewChew

Op, I feel your pain!! My wedding is in March. My mam is one of 10, dad was one of 9. Same for my OH's family. I'm inviting one aunt on my mams side, one on my dads side.(we haven't decided on the OH's yet) but I've already had two aunts ask what the date is so they can pencil it in their diary. I've, as politely as possible, told them not to bother. I won't be contacting anyone to tell them they're not invited, I just won't be inviting them and they'll figure that out once they discover the invite was never sent!

Toots

SarahMollie wrote: »

Humm, if theres talk of booking flights then maybe someone should just tell her. Its unfair that your mam constantly has to fudge things wiht her on your behalf.

Maybe just send her a quick email explaining that you've heard that she's been inquiring, but that due to your venues numbers you've been unable to invite her as you are prioritizing people who both of you have met in person.

I wouldn't mention anything about her being a no show to all of your previous events in the first instance. Maybe only if she kicks up a fuss, you could argue that since she's never attended previously, you'd no reason to believe this would be an exception, but numbers are fixed now so your hands are tied.

I'd suggest this, but ask your mum if she's going to be speaking to her in the near future, that way if she mentions it to your mum she can say something to your aunt. It may seem slightly less awkward coming from your mum, as opposed to you having to actually contact her to say she's not coming. If your mum won't be talking to her soon though, you'll probably have to bite the bullet and do it.

stoplooklisten

just invite them to the afters, that's what they're for

Walter H Price

Toots wrote: »

I'd suggest this, but ask your mum if she's going to be speaking to her in the near future, that way if she mentions it to your mum she can say something to your aunt. It may seem slightly less awkward coming from your mum, as opposed to you having to actually contact her to say she's not coming. If your mum won't be talking to her soon though, you'll probably have to bite the bullet and do it.

This is what my OH is suggesting to do , but my mam and my aunt don't see or speak to each other really like they have little or no relationship , so the next time they will see her is probably Christmas of this year by which time save the dates and stuff will have already gone.

My only concern with her is shes quite volatile and i think she's going to flip her bean when shes told she wont be invited , id rather have to deal with that tantrum then having her offload on my mam or my grandparents.

Milly33

Ah feck it them OP let her assume what she wants to and don't ye worry about it....In fairness it sounds like she hasn't been great all along.So if she gets disappointed by not being invited then it is on her ownness she should not expect to be

Walter H Price

Milly33 wrote: »

Ah feck it them OP let her assume what she wants to and don't ye worry about it....In fairness it sounds like she hasn't been great all along.So if she gets disappointed by not being invited then it is on her ownness she should not expect to be

Yeh we had a bit of a chat about it again last night , like we've decided to just say noting to her Uncle kinda assuming he'l be told at some stage by some other family member or directly if he asks himself. He didn't go to her cousins wedding because all of his 8 kids weren't invited , and were not inviting kids at all only older cousins over 18 , sot if he asks that's the reasoning.

Gunna have another chat with my grandparents just to make 100% sure their cool with my Aunt and her kids not being invited , just going to tell the the truth like we have limited space in the church and we really only want the people were closest too there , so my Aunt and her family wont be invited because they've never even spoken to my fience and i haven't seen them other than at 1 party for the best part of 4 years. will leave it then if she books flights or whatever that's on her but assuming she will cop on when she receives no save the date or invite , if she asks directly or says anything she'll just be told it was assumed she wouldn't be attending given her track record.

Sam Kade

Dardania wrote: »

Send an invite to the afters leftovers?

Milly33

Great stuff sorted then, I suppose in the long run honesty is the best policy at least then you don't have to worry about one person saying one thing, and the other saying another..

Delighted ye have it sorted out now, don't dwell on it anymore... Things like this can take over! best of luck with the rest of the planning

nhunter100

Walter H Price wrote:

My only concern with her is shes quite volatile and i think she's going to flip her bean when shes told she wont be invited , id rather have to deal with that tantrum then having her offload on my mam or my grandparents.

Jaysus, grow a pair ring her and say sorry the numbers are small and you can't invite her. Do your own dirty work and leave your mum out of it.

SarahMollie

nhunter100 wrote: »

Jaysus, grow a pair ring her and say sorry the numbers are small and you can't invite her. Do your own dirty work and leave your mum out of it.

While a bit blunt, I agree with this. Even email if you don't want to have a conversation.

Don't put your poor mother in this position. Its your decision, you stand over it yourself.

By not handling it quickly and quietly now, you're only storing up trouble for the future IMO.

Laura_A

My only concern with her is shes quite volatile and i think she's going to flip her bean when shes told she wont be invited , id rather have to deal with that tantrum then having her offload on my mam or my grandparents.[/QUOTE]

Pretty sure that is the OP saying he would rather do it himself than have him mum involved?

SarahMollie

Laura_A wrote: »

My only concern with her is shes quite volatile and i think she's going to flip her bean when shes told she wont be invited , id rather have to deal with that tantrum then having her offload on my mam or my grandparents.

Pretty sure that is the OP saying he would rather do it himself than have him mum involved?

Well, he's electing to let her figure it out for herself which means its likely that either his mam or some other family member will bear the brunt once the penny drops.

CarrieDzzz

Hey OP.

At the end of the day, you should just invite who ever you want to be there. I had similar problems and went for the easy option and invited the uncle that told me he was glad he never had any daughters if they were to be like me and the cousins that i dont see except once a year. (we weren't stuck for numbers). However on the day I couldn't have cared if every person I never liked turned up, it couldn't ruin the day.

People really do expect to be invited, there was one couple (who arent related) that had been expecting to be invited to the wedding, they never even entered our heads for the evening part. They made it known to several ppl that they weren't invited and obviously felt they should have been. The OH wanted to pretend their invite got lost in the post & invite them but I did put my foot down.

Soft Boiled

Walter H Price wrote: »

Gunna have another chat with my grandparents just to make 100% sure their cool with my Aunt and her kids not being invited

You see, my sympathies become very limited when people put themselves into the issue they claim they have a problem with.

You don't need to run your guest list past anyone.
You don't need parental/grandparental approval on who you want/don't want at your wedding.

Sometimes I think people thrive on the drama of the controversial guest-list issue as it makes it seem like their wedding day is this incredibly important event for everyone else too.
It's honestly not.

Walter H Price

nhunter100 wrote: »

Jaysus, grow a pair ring her and say sorry the numbers are small and you can't invite her. Do your own dirty work and leave your mum out of it.

Yeh no , what i was saying there was i DONT want it to fall on my ma or my grandparents to tell her , the issue which was i think proibly correctly pointed out to me last night by my sister was that if i do e-mail or call her now she will more than likely have a rant at my mam or my grandparents anyway in order to try and get her own way , which is something shes done in the past.

The plan for now is to leave well enough alone and if she asks either of them for info they will just give her my email. Not trying to doge this here just a tricky situation i really dont want my grandparents dumped on by her because they are quite old , and she dost seem to respect that.

nhunter100

Walter H Price wrote:

The plan for now is to leave well enough alone and if she asks either of them for info they will just give her my email. Not trying to doge this here just a tricky situation i really dont want my grandparents dumped on by her because they are quite old , and she dost seem to respect that.

Absolute bs, man up ring her and tell her it's entirely your decision not to invite her based on past form. Allowing her on the assumption she is invited book flights is unbelievably unfair just my opinion. Your decision in the end. Bye.

Speedwell

Walter H Price wrote: »

Yeh no , what i was saying there was i DONT want it to fall on my ma or my grandparents to tell her , the issue which was i think proibly correctly pointed out to me last night by my sister was that if i do e-mail or call her now she will more than likely have a rant at my mam or my grandparents anyway in order to try and get her own way , which is something shes done in the past.

The plan for now is to leave well enough alone and if she asks either of them for info they will just give her my email. Not trying to doge this here just a tricky situation i really dont want my grandparents dumped on by her because they are quite old , and she dost seem to respect that.

As an IT tech support person, I have learned that there is nothing you can do to prevent people who cause trouble from causing trouble. All you can do is your job. Your job is to stay calm, set up the guest list, and get married, not to try fruitlessly to handle every family member's psychological issues. Good luck

Walter H Price

Soft Boiled wrote: »

You see, my sympathies become very limited when people put themselves into the issue they claim they have a problem with.

You don't need to run your guest list past anyone.
You don't need parental/grandparental approval on who you want/don't want at your wedding.

Sometimes I think people thrive on the drama of the controversial guest-list issue as it makes it seem like their wedding day is this incredibly important event for everyone else too.
It's honestly not.

Its really not about drama , I just don't want to upset my grandparents. Most people i wouldn't give a second thought to upsetting or offending but my Nana is a different story , to be honest as much as i dislike my aunt if not having her there would upset my Nana id grin and bear it like.

Laura_A

nhunter100 wrote: »

Absolute bs, man up ring her and tell her it's entirely your decision not to invite her based on past form. Allowing her on the assumption she is invited book flights is unbelievably unfair just my opinion. Your decision in the end. Bye.

If I hadn't spoken to someone in over a decade and booked flights assuming I would be invited to a wedding (having not met one of the people getting married) it would be me that had the problem not the person planning the wedding... No?

Walter H Price

Laura_A wrote: »

If I hadn't spoken to someone in over a decade and booked flights assuming I would be invited to a wedding (having not met one of the people getting married) it would be me that had the problem not the person planning the wedding... No?

My thinking exactly hahahahaha

ChampagnePop

Laura_A wrote: »

If I hadn't spoken to someone in over a decade and booked flights assuming I would be invited to a wedding (having not met one of the people getting married) it would be me that had the problem not the person planning the wedding... No?

If you know someone is planning the flights then I think you've a responsibility to let them know they're not invited. I'd go through the same person who told you about the flights, but no harm in a text sayin the numbers are restricted so you can't invite the whole family. You don't want to put then out of pocket if they got the wrong impression, for all you know the aunt could have been told by someone in the middle that she should expect an invite.

rainbowtrout

Her talking about booking flights does put a different slant on it, even though you have absolutely no obligation to tell her she's not invited.

It's probably best to bite the bullet sooner rather than later. Send her an email something along the lines of,

Dear Aunt,

My mother mentioned recently that you had made enquiries about my upcoming wedding. She was unable to provide you with information at the time as we had not finalised details, so she did not have this information. We are having a small wedding, and we are mindful of the space available to us on the day. As we wish to have representation from both sides of our families, we have made the decision to only invite family members that are known to both of us. It is unfortunate we cannot have you there on the day, but I look forward to introducing you to my fiance in the future.

Regards,
Walter


Do not put in any line suggesting that she can email you back about it. She probably will anyway, but don't encourage it. There's also no mention of the date of the wedding above, or the word invite


Warn your mother/grandparents before you send it so if your aunt does ring them to have a rant you can tell them to get her to ring you instead. They can have standard line of 'Walter is organising the wedding, we are not interfering, give him a ring or send him an email if you want to talk about the wedding'

It doesn't matter if she's volatile, she lives the middle east so it's not like you are going to see her any time in the near or distant future given your lack of relationship for the past 20 years or so.

Speedwell

Also, all of the people involved are presumably adults, so treat them like adults. Some misbehavior will happen that is absolutely not your fault.

Elemonator

Speedwell wrote: »

You simply don't invite them. Their reactions and the reactions of your other family members are on themselves, not you. Make your guest list and refuse to be bullied.

100pc agree. OP, this is YOUR wedding. Your special day etc.

To expect an invite does not go down well with me. If I knew a wedding was coming up, I'd be delighted to receive an invite at all. I certainly wouldn't expect an invite. You bring who you want to and be decisive on who you don't want to bring. End of.

Congratulations on your future marriage and best of luck in the future.

Walter H Price

ChampagnePop wrote: »

If you know someone is planning the flights then I think you've a responsibility to let them know they're not invited. I'd go through the same person who told you about the flights, but no harm in a text sayin the numbers are restricted so you can't invite the whole family. You don't want to put then out of pocket if they got the wrong impression, for all you know the aunt could have been told by someone in the middle that she should expect an invite.

She hasn't been told when it is , what month day etc and she wont be now so no chance of her just book flights on spec i'm not even sure she knows its next year. as mentioned in a previous post will leave it for now to avoid riling her up but if it is mentioned again about flights or traveling for it i will e-mail her then to to tell her there's no need for her to book as we are only inviting close family and friends given the limited numbers.

My view is there's no point in poking the bear right now because it could just cause hassle for my mam and my grandparents for 18 months. Like i think the mention of flights to date has been in passing , she may ask at Christmas if not it may dawn ion her when she has not received and invite but in any instance no one will be telling her the date or to book flights because they've all been told 100% that her and her husband and their kids wont be invited.

forestgirl

This is supposed to be a very special day for you both,you two seem so united with bad feeling for certain family members.take care leaving family members out as their siblings may not like it either.you may not have to worry about not having enough rooms booked yet as they may not be needed.you both seem very well suited,remember chickens always come home to roost.

Speedwell

forestgirl wrote: »

This is supposed to be a very special day for you both,you two seem so united with bad feeling for certain family members.take care leaving family members out as their siblings may not like it either.you may not have to worry about not having enough rooms booked yet as they may not be needed.you both seem very well suited,remember chickens always come home to roost.

The chickens in this case appear to belong to the offending family members. The couple are under no obligation to invite anyone to their wedding. It's their wedding.

You aren't the aunt, by any chance?

SarahMollie

forestgirl wrote: »

This is supposed to be a very special day for you both,you two seem so united with bad feeling for certain family members.take care leaving family members out as their siblings may not like it either.you may not have to worry about not having enough rooms booked yet as they may not be needed.you both seem very well suited,remember chickens always come home to roost.

Nonsense. They're entitled to leave out whoever they like, especially if they're virtually strangers despite being related.

forestgirl

Very funny but sorry no I am certainly not the aunt.it is a pity for them on their wedding day to instill a little bad feeling with all the other aunts and uncles,they would surely have some loyalties to their uninvited siblings.regarding letting them know before hand not to expect an invite,what's all that about.it seems a real classy thing to do.