Not Inviting Specific Family Members Etiquette

Speedwell

forestgirl wrote: »

Very funny but sorry no I am certainly not the aunt.it's a pity for them on their wedding day to instill a little bad feeling with all the other aunts and uncles,they would surely have some loyalties to their uninvited siblings.regarding letting them know before hand not to expect an invite,what's all that about.it seems a real classy thing to do.

Nobody does that. In fact it is a breach of etiquette (as well as an infinitely large job) to verbally inform everyone who is not invited that they are not invited. The way to inform someone they are not invited is simply to not invite them. It's rude and cruel to call someone up and say, "Oh, by the way, you're not invited to my party".

SarahMollie

Speedwell wrote: »

Nobody does that. In fact it is a breach of etiquette (as well as an infinitely large job) to verbally inform everyone who is not invited that they are not invited. The way to inform someone they are not invited is simply to not invite them.

No one is suggesting this TBF. This thread is more about how best to correct someones misconceptions if they've presumed they're invited.

forestgirl

Walter h price asked in his first post what the etiquette is to not invite certain people.I've never heard of the like.

Speedwell

SarahMollie wrote: »

No one is suggesting this TBF. This thread is more about how best to correct someones misconceptions if they've presumed they're invited.

Right. The OP should ONLY be obliged to tell someone who asks him personally. Neither one of the couple should be obliged to tell anyone anything except through an invitation or its absence until they are directly asked. Good advice: http://www.weddingpartyapp.com/blog/2014/07/27/wedding-etiquette-youre-small-wedding-tell-friendsfamily-theyre-invited/

forestgirl

He's asking if he should send a text or a letter to give them the heads up that they are not to expect an invitation.in all fairness if i received a text or letter of that sort I'd be considering myself the lucky one

SarahMollie

Speedwell wrote: »

Right. The OP should ONLY be obliged to tell someone who asks him personally. Neither one of the couple should be obliged to tell anyone anything except through an invitation or its absence until they are directly asked. Good advice: http://www.weddingpartyapp.com/blog/2014/07/27/wedding-etiquette-youre-small-wedding-tell-friendsfamily-theyre-invited/

True in most cases, but I wouldn't be happy if my mother was having to tell lies (albeit white lies) on my behalf. Thats whats prompted the OP. I'd just rather handle the situation than risk her being in that position again.

forestgirl

It's so funny because any invite posted to me I barely glanced at it throw it some where never to be found,I'll be paying more attention in future in case it is an uninvite and not an actual invitation.maybe that explains why people stare sometimes,thanks

Speedwell

forestgirl wrote: »

It's so funny because any invite posted to me I barely glanced at it throw it some where never to be found,I'll be paying more attention in future in case it is an uninvite and not an actual invitation.maybe that explains why people stare sometimes,thanks

Invitations are not sent to people unless they are being invited to something.

NewCorkLad

forestgirl wrote: »

It's so funny because any invite posted to me I barely glanced at it throw it some where never to be found,I'll be paying more attention in future in case it is an uninvite and not an actual invitation.maybe that explains why people stare sometimes,thanks

The OP is looking for a solution to someone assuming they are going to be invited when they aren't.

He is not looking to send out random notices telling random people they arent invited to his wedding.

forestgirl

And another thing,on my wedding day an older couple brought guests with them that were not invited,no big deal they even brought a gift,,,,something some of the invited guests didn't do.no one died

Speedwell

forestgirl wrote: »

And another thing,on my wedding day an older couple brought guests with them that were not invited,no big deal they even brought a gift,,,,something some of the invited guests didn't do.no one died

Stop telling the OP what to do with his own guest list. Are you paying for the extra guests? Didn't think so.

NewCorkLad

forestgirl wrote: »

And another thing,on my wedding day an older couple brought guests with them that were not invited,no big deal they even brought a gift,,,,something some of the invited guests didn't do.no one died

Well if thats how it worked out for you why doesnt everyone just have an open door policy for their weddings, people would get a savage amount of gifts :rolleyes:

SarahMollie

forestgirl wrote: »

And another thing,on my wedding day an older couple brought guests with them that were not invited,no big deal they even brought a gift,,,,something some of the invited guests didn't do.no one died

At some venues, this would be a huge deal and cause massive stress to couple on the day. Randoms turning up is not ok.

Larbre34

forestgirl wrote: »

And another thing,on my wedding day an older couple brought guests with them that were not invited,no big deal they even brought a gift,,,,something some of the invited guests didn't do.no one died

19 posts. Don't feed the troll

Uninvited guests are a huge deal at any wedding. ANY wedding.

On the OP, invite who you want, if you already have a poor/no relationship with certain relatives, this wedding will make no difference either way. If it makes you fall out with a few other relatives as a consequence, as has been said, its on them.

These things are forgotten within a few months either way, the type of person who would hold a lifetime grudge over such a thing, relative or not, is not the type of person you need in your life anyway. So in the end, you will be no worse off regardless.

argentum

This post certainly brings me back to my wedding day a long time ago. We both had big extended families and yet we were also trying to buy a house. We only had enough for a deposit on a house or a big wedding. We both decided to only invite immediate family and ended up only having a wedding with 23 guests in a hotel restaurant. We then opened up the afters to 160 people family,friends and work colleagues. Our parents wanted us to invite everyone in all the families and even better all their friends because they went to their kids weddings . we just said no.Some people wouldn't come because of the insult in not going to the full day. Some people stopped being friends and some family wouldn't talk to us for a few years.
Now we are married 25 years next month, we don't miss the friends and the family gets on fine. The house is filled with kids and is a home and looking back it was the right decision.
Do what you feel is right for both of you ...invite who ever you want to and feck the begrudgers and best of luck to you both

Toots

forestgirl I'd suggest that you actually read through the whole thread instead of just the first post. Also it would be no harm to have a read through the charter either.

SeanSouth

What a drama !! Surely its much easier to invite the aunt than to leave her out. She'll probably pay her way in terms of a wedding present anyhow and most likely it will make for a much happier wedding party. To leave her out would be cruel in my view.Weddings are NOT just about the couple . They are family occasions when you should feel the need to UNITE everyone instead of creating an exclusive list and a lot of upset. Your father will want to see his siblings there to mark the occasion, your mother the same. Your grandparents will want to see everyone included and happy. Thats what its all about. Invite all your uncles and aunts or invite none of them. Inviting a preferred list of people is just bonkers. Theres some responsibility involved for the couple. Include everyone as much as you can. Treat similar categories of people similarly.

lazygal

SeanSouth wrote: »

What a drama !! Surely its much easier to invite the aunt than to leave her out. She'll probably pay her way in terms of a wedding present anyhow and most likely it will make for a much happier wedding party. To leave her out would be cruel in my view.Weddings are NOT just about the couple . They are family occasions when you should feel the need to UNITE everyone instead of creating an exclusive list and a lot of upset. Your father will want to see his siblings there to mark the occasion, your mother the same. Your grandparents will want to see everyone included and happy. Thats what its all about. Invite all your uncles and aunts or invite none of them. Inviting a preferred list of people is just bonkers. Theres some responsibility involved for the couple. Include everyone as much as you can. Treat similar categories of people similarly.

Weddings are about the two people getting married. There was no one uniting when we got married but me and my husband. We weren't inviting troublesome relatives just because they're related to us.

Walter H Price

SeanSouth wrote: »

What a drama !! Surely its much easier to invite the aunt than to leave her out. She'll probably pay her way in terms of a wedding present anyhow and most likely it will make for a much happier wedding party. To leave her out would be cruel in my view.Weddings are NOT just about the couple . They are family occasions when you should feel the need to UNITE everyone instead of creating an exclusive list and a lot of upset. Your father will want to see his siblings there to mark the occasion, your mother the same. Your grandparents will want to see everyone included and happy. Thats what its all about. Invite all your uncles and aunts or invite none of them. Inviting a preferred list of people is just bonkers. Theres some responsibility involved for the couple. Include everyone as much as you can. Treat similar categories of people similarly.

we kinda felt it should be the people we felt closest too that were there rather than an automatic invite for family. Like due to the size of the church we can only have 110 guests max as its a very small country church on a back road. with that in mid we wanted to have the people were closest too , My aunt is a genuinely horrible person who i haven't spoken to since i was 10 , and who is the only "member" of my family who did not send us a text or facebook message even via my mam to congratulate us on our engagement , to be honest she doesn't even know my Fiences name. For the meal we can only add numbers in 10s as that's the hotel policy , so at €75 a head another 10 would cost us €750 also not worth it

A previous poster mentioned chickens coming home to roost , i think this is true for her here because my mam , my other aunt and my gradparents couldn't care less that she wont be invited. In any case its note being done out of malice or spite its purely down to the number but to be honest if we could invited even another 50 people I'm not sure she'd make the cut because there are people were much closer too who we cant invite for the same reason.

and were not talking at all about sending "Your Not Invited s" to anyone its just purely because she and some of her kids live abroad in the States and Middle East and have asked about dates for flights etc that we thought we should send her a text or email ourselves rather than it falling on my Mum or granny to inform her.

with regards my OH's unlce who also wont be invited that's more to just avoid stupid rows with him about the cost of the hotel , why we wont be inviting his younger kids etc... all the same stuff that he caused a massive headache for her cousin over when she was getting married and in the end he didn't go last minute and they ended up covering the deposits on his two rooms. It was pretty obvious he was looking for any excuse to avoid going to that wedding because he's so tight , we figured wed just save him the hassle this time round .

Speedwell

Walter, your reasoning is sound and you are bending over backward to think of everyone's comfort. Don't spend another minute's worry or energy on this. The people you want to be there will be there. Have a lovely, memorable day in their company.

Walter H Price

Speedwell wrote: »

Walter, your reasoning is sound and you are bending over backward to think of everyone's comfort. Don't spend another minute's worry or energy on this. The people you want to be there will be there. Have a lovely, memorable day in their company.

Really appreciate that

Gatica

Walter H Price wrote: »

we kinda felt it should be the people we felt closest too that were there rather than an automatic invite for family. Like due to the size of the church we can only have 110 guests max as its a very small country church on a back road. with that in mid we wanted to have the people were closest too , My aunt is a genuinely horrible person who i haven't spoken to since i was 10 , and who is the only "member" of my family who did not send us a text or facebook message even via my mam to congratulate us on our engagement , to be honest she doesn't even know my Fiences name. For the meal we can only add numbers in 10s as that's the hotel policy , so at €75 a head another 10 would cost us €750 also not worth it

A previous poster mentioned chickens coming home to roost , i think this is true for her here because my mam , my other aunt and my gradparents couldn't care less that she wont be invited. In any case its note being done out of malice or spite its purely down to the number but to be honest if we could invited even another 50 people I'm not sure she'd make the cut because there are people were much closer too who we cant invite for the same reason.

and were not talking at all about sending "Your Not Invited s" to anyone its just purely because she and some of her kids live abroad in the States and Middle East and have asked about dates for flights etc that we thought we should send her a text or email ourselves rather than it falling on my Mum or granny to inform her.

with regards my OH's unlce who also wont be invited that's more to just avoid stupid rows with him about the cost of the hotel , why we wont be inviting his younger kids etc... all the same stuff that he caused a massive headache for her cousin over when she was getting married and in the end he didn't go last minute and they ended up covering the deposits on his two rooms. It was pretty obvious he was looking for any excuse to avoid going to that wedding because he's so tight , we figured wed just save him the hassle this time round .

You've been very reasonable in your approach to the problem and personally wouldn't fault one bit of your reasoning. The wedding may be a celebration of your union with the wider community but as is usually the case it's the people to whom you're close, be it family or friends. People who are hostile towards you have no business there, even if they're blood relatives. I have friends I'm much closer to than family and would see regularly, we'd also see them around kids' birthdays. They'd rank higher on my list than extended family to whom I've no connection or who know nothing of me or my life.
Hopefully your aunt isn't stupid enough to book flight to a wedding she's not got a save-the-date/invite to. If they question your reasons with your or your family you can easily inform them and the family that you've limited numbers and decided to only invite people you're close to. They'd have to be totally ignorant not to realise they're not close to you. Not much more explanation needed really...

Walter H Price

Gatica wrote: »

You've been very reasonable in your approach to the problem and personally wouldn't fault one bit of your reasoning. The wedding may be a celebration of your union with the wider community but as is usually the case it's the people to whom you're close, be it family or friends. People who are hostile towards you have no business there, even if they're blood relatives. I have friends I'm much closer to than family and would see regularly, we'd also see them around kids' birthdays. They'd rank higher on my list than extended family to whom I've no connection or who know nothing of me or my life.
Hopefully your aunt isn't stupid enough to book flight to a wedding she's not got a save-the-date/invite to. If they question your reasons with your or your family you can easily inform them and the family that you've limited numbers and decided to only invite people you're close to. They'd have to be totally ignorant not to realise they're not close to you. Not much more explanation needed really...

Exactly my thinking like we have friends that we've both known since college (where we met) who we couldn't invite to the church , their going to be invited to everything else but because of the limited numbers they wont be at the ceremony. Like given the reality of the situation i couldn't justify inviting her and nobody in the family sees that at unreasonable.

she wont be able to book flights or whatever because at the minute she dos'nt know the date etc... we only told our close family and friends the date earlier this week , when we created a Facebook goop to help us sort out rooms in the hotel and coaches to and from the church. save the dates will officially go in Novemebr and invites next June. I've told my mum my other aunt and my grandparents that if she asks about dates or booking flights again to just let me know and we will e-mail her to tell her that due to the limited numbers we were only able to invite close friends and family.So is all good

Faith

I'm glad that you've come to a decision that you're happy with, Walter. Would you like me to close this thread, or are you happy for it to keep running despite being resolved?

StripedBoxers

Invite who you want, regardless of what anyone says, the bride & groom make the final decision.

If you don't want your aunt there, be it for lack of space or whatever reasons, don't invite her.

I know if I was in your situation OP, I wouldn't be inviting her. Sure if she hasn't attended previous events, why would or should your wedding be any different? As for not seeing her in ten years, that alone is reason enough not to invite her IMO.

ChampagnePop

Is it common to only be allowed invite guests in numbers of ten? What do you do when you get your RSVPs back and you have some say 95, do you uninvite people? Or keep inviting guests in until you fit an exact table? That's sounds bizarre and like a scam to me!

Malari

ChampagnePop wrote: »

Is it common to only be allowed invite guests in numbers of ten? What do you do when you get your RSVPs back and you have some say 95, do you uninvite people? Or keep inviting guests in until you fit an exact table? That's sounds bizarre and like a scam to me!

Presumably you'd pay for extras in 10s. It doesn't necessarily mean you have to have 10 more guests.

05eaftqbrs9jlh

Walter H Price wrote:

I haven't actually spoken to her since i was 10 she never came to anything my confo 16 18 21st etc saw her once a year at Christmas till i was old enough to just avoid that too, no relationship their at all , there are people i feel allot closer too who are friends , colleagues , team mates etc that id much rather have their.

I have loads of aunts and uncles like this. My dad likes to get together with them because they're his brothers and sisters but I don't know them and couldn't be arsed dealing with their families. It's looking like I'll have to invite them, but it's going to pee me off having to accommodate them like I want to my close friends.

ChampagnePop

Malari wrote: »

Presumably you'd pay for extras in 10s. It doesn't necessarily mean you have to have 10 more guests.

Is this common? What a scam

Malari

ChampagnePop wrote: »

Is this common? What a scam

I've not heard of it before, I was just explaining they weren't saying your guests actually have to be in multiples of 10.