Not Inviting Specific Family Members Etiquette

Sebastian Dangerfield

I invited all the aunts and uncles I wanted there, and left out the ones I didn't. I didn't explain / justify it to anyone, and invited friends instead. My wife is closer to her family than I am and invited every single one of them (9 aunts / unlces on each side, plus partners and kids - all adult age) but she had to leave some friends out who she otherwise would have liked to have there. Its a tradeoff, unless you want your budget to spiral out of control.

I did have one cousin whose wife I knew was expecting to bring their young kids and I did speak to them in advance, as if I hadn't she would have brought them regardless of their omission from the invite. She didn't come as a result, but it was better than me getting frustrated on the day when I saw them.

Walter H Price

stoplooklisten wrote: »

At the end of the day it's up to you who to invite and who to not.


You say "she hasn't spoken to you since you were 10", yet in an earlier post "you saw her once a year at Christmas until you could avoid it". She came to visit once and year and you avoided her and now you're saying she never spoke to you..perhaps it was because you were avoiding her.

Also the OP says that "she has never even been introduced to my Fiance despite the fact we are together 6 years,"...why during any of these christmas meeting instead of avoiding her, did you not bring your finance to meet her? You can't avoid her and then complain she never met your finance.

Her relationship between her siblings and her grandparents is frankly none of your concern and only interpreted through the eyes of a child.How many times have your parents and yourself gone to visit her abroad or is she expected to give up every holiday she has to come and visit and is demonized if she doesn't?



Anyway, i hope you enjoy your day!

I'll try keep this short hahaha. like i said its not about her not coming those events when i was kid , it was more i was surprised she was expecting an invite to the wedding when she hasnt shown up ever at anything else incl my sisters events and my parents 40ths 50ths etc that's all. She ruined christmas every year showed up for an awkward two hours usually in foul form inevitably had a row with someone or chewed the head off one of her kids so yeh as soon as i could i avoided that annual tradition like the plague. She dosn't know my fience i wasn't pointing out she should have made more of an effort or anything just that again it was odd she expects an invite to the wedding of someone she hasn't spoken to in over 15 years and a girl shes never spoken too and has seen once i think.

Nobody has gone over to Bahrain since she moved there 5 years ago because none of us like her to be honest her husband and one of the kids are here and one in the states. My grandparents are to old and none of the rest of us have a good relationship with her. Like i said its nothing to do with her not making any effort , in all honesty id rather shed made less and shown up fewer times because every time she did she soured the mood , just though it was a bit rich her expecting an invite given the circumstances.

Lastly just for clarity i am a dude :P

CaraMay

That's grand. Well you know she's going to keep asking the date so just nip it in the bud now so no one is made to feel uncomfortable.

Walter H Price

CaraMay wrote: »

That's grand. Well you know she's going to keep asking the date so just nip it in the bud now so no one is made to feel uncomfortable.

Shes only mentioned it once in passing so far if she says anything further will be letting her know , don 't want to just text her now out of the blue with a your not invited. if she asks again that'l be a different story and we will contact her to let her know not to make travel plans as a courtesy.

Walter H Price

Odd timing but as it Turned out my aunt is back in the country for the next 4 weeks ( apparently forighn workers in most places get paid leave from their employers to leave during Ramadan) and we unintentionally met her in my Granny's house on Saturday , usual awkward nothing to say non conversation, but she was at least introduced to my fiance. Some what unsurprisingly The wedding was brought up she asked about dates etc so we told her there that she wasn't on the guest list so not to make any travel arrangements.

As my ma predicted she kicked off , had a go at us my ma and my grand parents before storming out of their house , and later sent my ma a not very pleasant text. Despite my ma telling me that would be her reaction i was still a bit surprised to be honest like , i don't know why someone would get that bent out of shape about not being invited to the wedding of two people they hardly knew, related or not. anyhooo that's 1 done and dusted.

My OH has decided to just tell her uncle now sooner rather then later now as well to just get it done and out of the way also her sister is kinda pushing for her to invite him now to keep the peace so she wants to just nip that in the bud sharpish.

This guest list stuff is all fun and games , next up who cant sit beside who :P hahahahaha

Speedwell

I'm so sorry people are behaving like it's their own stage and not yours. Childish of them. I'm happy you put your foot down.

SarahMollie

Walter, I'm sure that it was an unpleasant experience but at least its over with.

It seems to me that despite peoples best intentions, in a lot of cases, someone gets offended and causes a fuss.

I have a friend who is currently having difficulty with her MIL to be over the fact that they as a couple have decided to keep their wedding adults only. So much to the point that even though her fiance already told the mother that this was the case, she then feigned ignorance and "dropped into conversation" that she couldnt wait to have the whole family and all the children together at the wedding, resulting in a huge public bust up in a local pub.

Its the couples day, to have as they please.

Some people.

Walter H Price

SarahMollie wrote: »

Walter, I'm sure that it was an unpleasant experience but at least its over with.

It seems to me that despite peoples best intentions, in a lot of cases, someone gets offended and causes a fuss.

I have a friend who is currently having difficulty with her MIL to be over the fact that they as a couple have decided to keep their wedding adults only. So much to the point that even though her fiance already told the mother that this was the case, she then feigned ignorance and "dropped into conversation" that she couldnt wait to have the whole family and all the children together at the wedding, resulting in a huge public bust up in a local pub.

Its the couples day, to have as they please.

Some people.

Yeh it was what it was bit awkward to be honest , i think we've been really lucky in allot of ways like neither of our family's have been really interfering at all like they have just kind of accepted every decision we've made without anyone kicking up too much fuss , were also going no kids under 18 and thought that would cause problems but it hasn't really.

It is a an annoyance though how much thought has to be given to family politics i've no time at all for adults behaving like children with this stuff like its a party just come along eat drink have a laugh and don't be minding who your sitting beside or weather so and so is not invited or that there wont be any kids , or you didn't get a dicounted room rate etc...

Speedwell

You sound like nice folks. Where's my invite? (just kidding!)

ChewChew

Walter glad you stood your ground and she certainly sounds like someone who you'd not want on your guest list anyways if that's her behaviour!! I've had two of my aunts ask me already what date my wedding is so they can "save the date" so I told them when it was but also that they don't need to save the date as they're not invited. I know they're a bit bent over it but I'm not fussed. My day, my way :pac:

Gatica

Well done, OP! that must've been really hard to do, face to face etc... You did the right thing nipping it in the bud now, at least it's done and dusted and your other family also knows that it's definite now, so no tip toeing around these conversations.
It's her problem if she throws a tantrum and storms out, so don't worry about it. Hopefully you won't have to see her ever/much again.

Walter H Price

ChewChew wrote: »

Walter glad you stood your ground and she certainly sounds like someone who you'd not want on your guest list anyways if that's her behaviour!! I've had two of my aunts ask me already what date my wedding is so they can "save the date" so I told them when it was but also that they don't need to save the date as they're not invited. I know they're a bit bent over it but I'm not fussed. My day, my way :pac:

Did you find it strange how some people had just assumed invites ? like aside from my aunt who i was surprised even asked we had some other strange ones like one of my dads cousins , my sisters friends parents , my fiences mothers neighbor and a few of my mams aunts as well so my gran aunts , and one of my Mates is bit pissy that his folks and his brother wern't invited .

again none of thees people were close to at all , but they were all a little bent out of shape they wern't being invited. just seemed a bit odd to me, maybe its just me but i wouldn't be mad to get to a wedding of someone i hardly new at all.

SarahMollie

Walter H Price wrote: »

Did you find it strange how some people had just assumed invites ? like aside from my aunt who i was surprised even asked we had some other strange ones like one of my dads cousins , my sisters friends parents , my fiences mothers neighbor and a few of my mams aunts as well so my gran aunts , and one of my Mates is bit pissy that his folks and his brother wern't invited .

again none of thees people were close to at all , but they were all a little bent out of shape they wern't being invited. just seemed a bit odd to me, maybe its just me but i wouldn't be mad to get to a wedding of someone i hardly new at all.

Are you from a rural area? I work with a guy from Galway and his fiancee is from elsewhere in the midlands and between the two of them, they must have been to 20 weddings in the last 18 months since I've known him.

They're getting married soon themselves and invited 360+.

Apparently its just the done thing where they're both from to invite everyone.

Also, perhaps its generational? Weddings have changed a lot in a generation. They're much more elaborate in a lot of ways and now typically the couple pay themselves rather than the brides father. When parents paid, I'm sure all the aunties, uncles etc who were their ages were invited. Now, theres less of a reason for them to be there.

I'm from Dublin and thats such an alien concept to me. When I get married, if there are more than 80 guests, I think I'd have a minor heart attack.

Walter H Price

SarahMollie wrote: »

Are you from a rural area? I work with a guy from Galway and his fiancee is from elsewhere in the midlands and between the two of them, they must have been to 20 weddings in the last 18 months since I've known him.

They're getting married soon themselves and invited 360+.

Apparently its just the done thing where they're both from to invite everyone.

Also, perhaps its generational? Weddings have changed a lot in a generation. They're much more elaborate in a lot of ways and now typically the couple pay themselves rather than the brides father. When parents paid, I'm sure all the aunties, uncles etc who were their ages were invited. Now, theres less of a reason for them to be there.

I'm from Dublin and thats such an alien concept to me. When I get married, if there are more than 80 guests, I think I'd have a minor heart attack.

No same as you i'm a Dub , so no tradition at all of inviting extended family or neighbors etc as far as im aware of. like i coudn't even name my parents cousins and stuff never mind being close to them and my folks would know 1 or two of their neighbors but wouldn't be close to any of them and like id know our neighbors to see but couldn't tell you their names and i don't think i've ever spoken to them tbh.

My OH is from Kildare so a little more "Community" down there i suppose and her family are all quite close where as mine aren't all really. My ideal would of been to go away with like 20 immediate family and close friends , get married on a beach somewhere sunny

Rhyme

People just seem to go a little bit nuts around weddings and then, just like that, they remember they are adults and things go back to normal (usually a day or two after the ceremony). I've been told that some people subconsciously see it as a pedestal that anyone can jump on for the day rather than just the Bride and Groom.

My girlfriend and I, practical as we are, are doing a lot of preliminary planning even before an engagement (venue research, guest list, day plan, ceremony detailing etc) and 'difficult relatives' is a small but not insignificant topic. Just like the OP, we have one each and we are coordinating how to deal. I've taken great strength from a lot of the comments in this thread but the difficult relatives have partners and children who are dear to both of us so we'll be taking a gentle approach for the time being. I could definitely see the 'difficult' relative making their partners life very difficult over a non-invite and I would never put them through that. I'd feel like I were taking a relative who has been supportive, kind and generous with me throughout my life and throwing them into a domestic Hell-pit so, unusual as it may sound, it will be that relatives call whether the difficult relative gets invited. If they are invited, they can be 'contained' by other more realistic relatives if any **** were to hit the fan.

I can see the 'my day, my call' point of view and I would agree with it whole-heartedly. If doing so were to annoy difficult people, so be it, it's not their day. But if doing so were to backlash severely onto good people, I would take a more subtle approach.

Walter H Price

Rhyme wrote: »

My girlfriend and I, practical as we are, are doing a lot of preliminary planning even before an engagement (venue research, guest list, day plan, ceremony detailing etc) and 'difficult relatives' is a small but not insignificant topic. Just like the OP, we have one each and we are coordinating how to deal. I've taken great strength from a lot of the comments in this thread but the difficult relatives have partners and children who are dear to both of us so we'll be taking a gentle approach for the time being. I could definitely see the 'difficult' relative making their partners life very difficult over a non-invite and I would never put them through that. I'd feel like I were taking a relative who has been supportive, kind and generous with me throughout my life and throwing them into a domestic Hell-pit so, unusual as it may sound, it will be that relatives call whether the difficult relative gets invited. If they are invited, they can be 'contained' by other more realistic relatives if any **** were to hit the fan.

I can see the 'my day, my call' point of view and I would agree with it whole-heartedly. If doing so were to annoy difficult people, so be it, it's not their day. But if doing so were to backlash severely onto good people, I would take a more subtle approach.

Your dead right with both theese approach , we had done allot of planning before we got engaged nothing formal but got us over the hump of the kind of cermony we both wanted and were we wanted to get married and the budget ,so we've had literaly no rows about the wedding at all since we've gotten engaged and thats been class . i know loads of people that end up stressed and rowing becuse they get engaged then relise their poles apart on what kinda day they want so kudos on that front

It was the same for us i spoke to my folks and my grandparent first to make sure they understood why i didnt want my aunt there for our wedding and i wanted to know it wouldnt upset them too. to be honest had my Granny said she would have been upset with my aunt not being invited she'd be going , becuse it wouldnt have been a big enough inconvience foor me to have her there if it meant my granny would enjoy the day any less , agin becuse she been really supportive and a really important part of my life.

Not inviting one person from a family maybe a lil trickyer and we both had to compromise on that front , My OH has a cousin she cant stand but knew not inviting him would probibly mean a row with her aunt who she is super close too so sucked it up. I have an Uncle one of my dads sisters husbands who is a total deuche , hes a twat and is always winding my nan up for no reason and not in a joky way but realisticly it would of been a massive row with my aunt had i told her she was invited but not the hubby. I know my ma didnt invite one of her uncles to their wedding , think he was a bit of an alco and had caused allot of problems at other family events so her aunt understood and went to the church but not the afters. think it all depends on the circumstance .

ChewChew

Walter H Price wrote: »

Did you find it strange how some people had just assumed invites ? like aside from my aunt who i was surprised even asked we had some other strange ones like one of my dads cousins , my sisters friends parents , my fiences mothers neighbor and a few of my mams aunts as well so my gran aunts , and one of my Mates is bit pissy that his folks and his brother wern't invited .

again none of thees people were close to at all , but they were all a little bent out of shape they wern't being invited. just seemed a bit odd to me, maybe its just me but i wouldn't be mad to get to a wedding of someone i hardly new at all.

Genuinely, I find it hilarious. I've a few people who I've told have invites because they are travelling and we are not inviting children so I want them to have enough notice. The reaction to me was 'thanks a mill' but behind my back to other people has been funny as they are not impressed they are not allowed bring their kids. But that's a whole other story, the no kids thing!!

We've had a battle recently with his parents wanting us to invite all their relatives, which was amounting to about 30 extra people. They said they wanted them there and they would pay for them. Yeah right, I don't think so! So we nipped that in the bud fairly lively. Weddings definitely brings out the crazy in the guests or wannabe guests that's for sure!!

stinkle

People who assume theyre invited is mental. My parents' neighbours/acquaintances were like that and got the hump when they got the afters invite. Like they would have known nobody except for my folks, me and my siblings, all of whom were at the top table, so they would have been sitting with randomers. Who on earth wants to give up a day of their life to sit through that?

Walter H Price

stinkle wrote: »

People who assume theyre invited is mental. My parents' neighbours/acquaintances were like that and got the hump when they got the afters invite. Like they would have known nobody except for my folks, me and my siblings, all of whom were at the top table, so they would have been sitting with randomers. Who on earth wants to give up a day of their life to sit through that?

See that's exactly what i find mad like why do these people want to go or get bent outta shape bout not being invited when they are going to know literaly no one there except maybe one or two people ? and people take it like such a snub like , i know one or two of my mams neighbors are a bit annoyed that they aren't invited but like they wouldn't even be family friends there just people who bought a house on the same road as us its weird, like i could cont on one hand the amount of times i've spoken to some of them

With my OH's family being so big and a limit in the church of 110 i told my folks at the outset that they had 5 invites for couples so 10 people altogether , 1 table and they could invite who ever they wanted. Think they are looking for invites for 2 or 3 family friends and 1 or 2 work colleagues. now we have food booked for up to 200 people for the reception and a huge room so they can invite a few neighbors or cousins aunts whatever to that if they want , but i thought that was the fairest way of doing it.

The neighbors are annoyed now though because 1 couple off the road are invited but that's only because their son is one of my best mates and a grooms man and i'm inviting all 3 of my groomsmen's parents who I've know for years.

stinkle

Walter H Price wrote: »

See that's exactly what i find mad like why do these people want to go or get bent outta shape bout not being invited when they are going to know literaly no one there except maybe one or two people ? and people take it like such a snub like , i know one or two of my mams neighbors are a bit annoyed that they aren't invited but like they wouldn't even be family friends there just people who bought a house on the same road as us its weird, like i could cont on one hand the amount of times i've spoken to some of them

With my OH's family being so big and a limit in the church of 110 i told my folks at the outset that they had 5 invites for couples so 10 people altogether , 1 table and they could invite who ever they wanted. Think they are looking for invites for 2 or 3 family friends and 1 or 2 work colleagues. now we have food booked for up to 200 people for the reception and a huge room so they can invite a few neighbors or cousins aunts whatever to that if they want , but i thought that was the fairest way of doing it.

The neighbors are annoyed now though because 1 couple off the road are invited but that's only because their son is one of my best mates and a grooms man and i'm inviting all 3 of my groomsmen's parents who I've know for years.

It's hilarious really how people assume stuff. I remember once when we were engaged and so was OH's cousin, she was telling me about their venue and I said something like "oh it sounds lovely, can't wait!" then realised eh maybe we wont even be invited and was a little mortified at myself. We were invited, but wouldve been grand if not. I have no idea where my assumption came from, aside from obviously planning our own wedding and knowing we were having all the family there.

But to be a neighbour/not close to the couple and get the hump is just bizarre. The family friends I mentioned, I had actually assumed my mam would want them there, but in her own words "I wont know who to sit them with, and sure I'll end up having to babysit them all day".

Your plan sounds fine to me Walter, you cant argue with a max capacity like you have in the church. Our reception had a similar size and we just had to be tough when people were suggesting all sorts of randomers to invite

Walter H Price

Just about the worst we've had with people making assumtions so far was the day after we got engaged we called out to tell my gran parents and my Aunt and Uncle that we had gotten engaged , they were of course exited and delighted but without hesitation my Aunt said to my sister (who's a bit of a tomboy) that she would need to get her hair and makeup done if she was going to be a Bridesmaid. Queue tumble weed silence and awkward looks

like my Faience has a Sister and allot of close cousins and friends so my sister wasn't even under consideration, my Aunt was copped it had gone a bit quite and was like and qualified what shed said with "well assuming you'll be asked" looking strait at my OH , who was like well i havn't really thought about that (but she had and had 3 picked already, her sister, cousin and best friend)

I told her i couldn't care less if she asked my sister or not , didn't think it would be her kinda thing anyway and she didn't seem too bother tbh , but it kinda played on her mind and she eventual ditched the best mate and my sister will be her 3rd bridesmaid.