Having Doubts..

Keane2baMused

So my wedding is in 12 months time.

The venue is beautiful, unique and everything we could have hoped for

The thing is my heart is just not in the whole 'wedding day' thing. I really and truly would love to just go abroad and get married with close family and a few friends, then a party when we get home.

The wedding will be small (about 70) but the majority of this will be from my OH's side. I suppose part of me feels a sense of embarrassment over this and I don't want like like the 'loner bride'

I also have to consider the fact that I have two children (youngest would be 2 at the wedding eldest 8).

My OH always wants a 'proper' wedding and I feel I went along with it to a new extent to make him happy. He said we could it it whatever way I would feel most comfortable with but knowing his heart was set on it I went along. Venue, celebrant, music, hair &makeup etc are all basically booked so there is not that much left to do.

Any advice?

Gatica

Is it just the size of the families that's worrying you? Are you having a church wedding? If you are, just make sure there's no a his/hers side. In terms of family, how many is there from your side?
We'd about 110 at our wedding, OH's family would be at least 3 times the size of mine, but it really was never obvious or anything that anyone would spot, other than when we gathered them for family photos, which you don't need to do. I really don't think people would notice the difference in family sizes - from other people's weddings I've been to I couldn't even tell you who there was family, other than the parents of the bride and maybe the bridal party. We were just too busy chatting with friends to notice this.
If the traditional wedding is really bothering you though you need to talk about this openly with your fiance. It's not fair for only one person to compromise on everything and the other to get their way. It sounds like he's willing to do this for you too. Discuss what you could change to make it feel more like your kind of wedding. Would you like to make it less formal maybe? Do a buffet instead of sit-down meal? Do away with bridal party?

Milly33

Oh Keane not an easy thing to do.. Sounds like perhaps you thought more of what he wanted than what you wanted.. I have to say if I were you I would be trying to do what I wanted a little more.. Still kick myself I didn't do more in the last few days,stood my ground as such...

Call it now before it gets carried away with.. What aren't you too fussed about or what to you seems a little yeah I could do without that? The celebrant, the music, the hair makeup, the set up? What would you like!

SarahMollie

Hi Keane,

Sorry to hear this, I had thought that as a regular poster on this forum that you were excited about your upcoming nuptials.

Myself and my OH were chatting about this only recently and it became apparent that our guest list wouldnt be 50/50.... probably 70/30 at best. I'm an only child, and while I have a few cousins, some of them I really wouldnt be able to pick out from a line up. He has 2 siblings, and seems closer to more of his family. He also has a group of 10 friends (plus all their wives/girlfiends) from school and they've all stayed close. He also accumulated a food few friends from his time doing his PhD in the UK, and even though thats a few years ago now, a good few always make the effort to travel to see each other, for example, they've come over for his birthday every year since.

I have a few close friends and maybe another few from college who I've kept in touch with. Then two of my friends live in Australia so although we skype, its difficult and they can't be guaranteed to travel to every wedding back home. I'm only in touch with 2 friends from my school days, all the rest have just drifted.

I was at a wedding fair with a friend of mine and there was a decor company there and they'd signs you could hang and your ceremony saying something like "today too families become one, pick a seat, not a side". It struck me as a great idea as that way its less decisive.

12 months is a long time to feel anxiety about something so I suggest you need to let your OH know how you're feeling. I would say that after being to a good few weddings in the last while (smallest 65, biggest 275), that a wedding of 70 sounds lovely and intimate.

Plus, I know you're talking about a lot of the guests as being from your OH's family, but soon they'll be your family too. Maybe if you think about them like this then it will feel less daunting.

Keane2baMused

OK I've been trying to think, all things considered what is really bothering me?

I think the crux of it is really the size of my side v that of my hubby to be. Realistically it will be bout 70% from his side and 30 mine.This is mainly due to most of that side of the family not talking to each other and then rest won't bother their backsides to travel anywhere that isn't within spitting distance from where they live (seriously). OH'S family however will be travelling length and breadth of the country for the wedding and want to make a good weekend about it. I suppose I feel if we went abroad or kept it really small I may not feel as..I dunno if left out is the right word?

We are having an interfaith minister which is one thing we decided together (this is going against the norm of OH's Catholic family)

Hair and makeup I'm happy with I love a good excuse to get dressed up:)

I suppose also I am not one for being the centre of attention, himself is the same also so it surprises me that he wants the whole hoopla!

Keane2baMused

The thing is I have been so so excited about it but I think as time is ticking on the anxiety and what if's are creeping in more and more!

Gatica

It's surprising actually how many men really do care about having a traditional wedding. Stereotypes would mould women to want the big white wedding and men not to give a toss, but it's just not true, especially as a generalisation.

Mixing the families on the day, even for table sitting arrangements is a good way to "mix it up". If you don't want too much attention on the day, try to think of ways to minimise being in the spotlight, e.g. if you're having a first dance, do it with your best man/bridesmaid on the floor with you, or parents or bridal party, or do away with it altogether if groom agrees. Don't have cutting the cake photos, only a handful of people will remember this, or do it when it's busy, like when people start dancing, so there's less of a crowd staring at you. Get a group photo done by your photographer rather than separate family ones. Do just one meet and greet after your ceremony at the exit, and go in for dinner together with your guests instead of being announced in. Find out which aspects of the traditional white wedding would feel indispensable to your fiance, and which of these he'd compromise for you so you can enjoy the day not feeling too much centre of attention.

SarahMollie

Gatica wrote: »

It's surprising actually how many men really do care about having a traditional wedding. Stereotypes would mould women to want the big white wedding and men not to give a toss, but it's just not true, especially as a generalisation.

Mixing the families on the day, even for table sitting arrangements is a good way to "mix it up". If you don't want too much attention on the day, try to think of ways to minimise being in the spotlight, e.g. if you're having a first dance, do it with your best man/bridesmaid on the floor with you, or parents or bridal party, or do away with it altogether if groom agrees. Don't have cutting the cake photos, only a handful of people will remember this, or do it when it's busy, like when people start dancing, so there's less of a crowd staring at you. Get a group photo done by your photographer rather than separate family ones. Do just one meet and greet after your ceremony at the exit, and go in for dinner together with your guests instead of being announced in. Find out which aspects of the traditional white wedding would feel indispensable to your fiance, and which of these he'd compromise for you so you can enjoy the day not feeling too much centre of attention.

This is really sound advice. I was at a wedding recently where they dispensed with many of the formalities because it just "wasnt them", which I could totally relate to.

They chose a funny song for their first dance (think 00's rap/r'n'b) and had their dj under strict instructions to call up the bridal party onto the dancefloor after no more than 30 seconds

Many aspects of traditional weddings, while although very lovely for most people, just make me cringe just thinking about them. Some people want the whole princess experience but I'm beginning to realise that many don't. Either way is equally valid.

Take out as much of the awkward stuff as possible, focus on the bits you do like and that excite you, and then just have a great day.

At least your doubts are only about the actual wedding and not about the groom!

hardCopy

Gatica wrote: »

It's surprising actually how many men really do care about having a traditional wedding. Stereotypes would mould women to want the big white wedding and men not to give a toss, but it's just not true, especially as a generalisation.

Mixing the families on the day, even for table sitting arrangements is a good way to "mix it up". If you don't want too much attention on the day, try to think of ways to minimise being in the spotlight, e.g. if you're having a first dance, do it with your best man/bridesmaid on the floor with you, or parents or bridal party, or do away with it altogether if groom agrees. Don't have cutting the cake photos, only a handful of people will remember this, or do it when it's busy, like when people start dancing, so there's less of a crowd staring at you. Get a group photo done by your photographer rather than separate family ones. Do just one meet and greet after your ceremony at the exit, and go in for dinner together with your guests instead of being announced in. Find out which aspects of the traditional white wedding would feel indispensable to your fiance, and which of these he'd compromise for you so you can enjoy the day not feeling too much centre of attention.

+1 to all of this, you can change up as much as you want.

We didn't bother with signs on the aisles I, as groom, just asked a few people to move around the church to even up the numbers a bit. We had about 35 family members in the church and all our friends and extended family met us at the reception, 110 altogether for dinner.

We dropped communion as I'm not religious, this would have been unusual for both sides of the family but people are generally happy to go along with what the couple are comfortable with.

ChampagnePop

I can empathise, at the moment I'm not enjoying planning at all, it's more a chore.

I wanted to elope or have a surprise wedding but my OH wanted the big wedding and all that, so I'm tied to that now.

I don't think I'll bother with most of the traditional stuff e.g. I don't understand why there's such a scene over the cake?

Family dynamics are also very awkward on my side, and wedding planning is really bringing this out!

lazygal

If we had done inviting without thinking about the split, our wedding would have been completely dominated by my husband's very, very large extended family. I have loads of cousins myself but his family branches are very extensive. So we decided the fairest way was a 50-50 split so one side didn't dominate the other. I've been to family weddings on his side that were completely over powered by his family and I didn't like the idea. Would it be an option to have a more even split of guests?

And if you don't want something, don't have it. We didn't have a cake, I don't like the tradition of the cheesy cake cutting so we dropped it. If we were getting married now I'd have no speeches at all either-they can be very stressful. I'd drop the first dance too and have some novelty song to get everyone up. I'd also suit ourselves a lot more because no matter what you do someone will complain, so you might as well have your way.

We didn't have sides of the aisle or ushers, all our guests were adults so they can find a seat. I don't think mixing tables works at all, nothing worse than trying to struggle through awkward conversations with people you don't know.

Milly33

Ah that doesn't sounds too bad Keane... With his side of the family being more than yours, things like this just happen I know that isn't great but it does.. It does sound lovely that his family are making such a big effort to go to the wedding so rejoice in the fact that they all want to be there for you..

Don't stress over there not being more of you family there... You don't have to have the his side here and yours there just have a free seating plan for the ceremony.. As mentioned there are some lovely signs like take a seat not a side... Try maybe to get all the family mixed up, like with the meal have a mixture of your family and friends and his family and friends.. Get everyone talking....

The centre of attention is a tough one to handle I will admit... But maybe talk again with your hubbie to be and ask him things like photos etc how does he want these done and put a time limit on it..Then say right I am taking some time for me and take a break for half hour perhaps... I was fit to cry with the photos as I hate them I never know when or where to look... We got some after and then I was said it himself I wasn't doing great, and he kicked in the door and I legged it.. No one said anything ..

I know it may not seem like it but perhaps he was looking for the bigger day, because he is so proud of you and becoming your husband.. he wants to tell everyone, men can be rather soppy that way...

Shybride2016

Hi there,

Sorry to hear you're stressing about your wedding.

I got married in April earlier this year and a lot of the things that are causing you stress, caused me to worry too!

I am an only child so no siblings, we just invited close family, i.e. Both sets of parents, groom's brother and sister and their partners and kids and had our own two kids there too. On my side I had also invited an aunt and uncle who we're very close to and see a lot.

So the family photos have us in the middle with our two kids, my parents, aunt & uncle on one side and then grooms family (10) on his side!

At the moment I'm not working so I have no colleagues, my now husband works so invited colleagues. He also is hugely involved with a sport so invited his friends from that and their partners, along with friends and partners from his home country. Roughly about 40 ppl altogether.

I have a very small circle of friends, whom I'm very close to. I invited them and their partners - 14 altogether.

I worried and worried and worried about the same thing as you, being the "loser" bride with no friends and family compared to my husband's side, but you know what? On the day when I saw who was there, they were all "our friends" as we've been together a long long time, we both know them all extremely well and so I never once felt like a loser on the day.

I wouldn't go down the road of mixing guests at tables as people don't like it. They go to weddings to have the craic with people they know, not have to make small talk with people they're probably not going to see again.

It sounds like you definitely need to chat to your fiancé about your feelings about what you've planned so far. He probably hasn't a clue how you're feeling.

We didn't have a first dance. The thoughts of it killed me and I genuinely was not ever comfortable with having one. I explained why (didn't really need to as he knows what I'm like!) so we picked a really upbeat song and had asked the DJ to say to everyone there to join us on the dance floor for the song to kick off the party.

Our cutting cake photo was done straight after the ceremony, with no other guests there watching. This was the photographer's suggestion btw. Later in the night we "cut" it again for everyone else to get pics but you don't have to do anything you don't want to, it's your wedding day!

There were a couple of things I would have liked to do but my husband wasn't up for it so we just chatted everything out and either went with one over the other or compromised.

Best of luck with the plans and please do have a chat with him soon so you can get some stress off your shoulders!

Keane2baMused

ChampagnePop wrote: »

I can empathise, at the moment I'm not enjoying planning at all, it's more a chore.

I wanted to elope or have a surprise wedding but my OH wanted the big wedding and all that, so I'm tied to that now.

I don't think I'll bother with most of the traditional stuff e.g. I don't understand why there's such a scene over the cake?

Family dynamics are also very awkward on my side, and wedding planning is really bringing this out!

It's not just me so LOL thank feck

Sorry I can't quote all posts to reply as I'm on my phone but I would like to say thanks. I'm a little calmer now

We are already leaving out most of the formals such as cake cutting, first dance and there will probably only be 1 speech.

My OH is really good i have to say. I said today I wasn't sure about the whole shindig and part of me is regretting going forward with the 'big day' notion. The look on his face was like a wounded puppy lol!!

In the grand scheme I know I will have an amazing day and I want it to be a day we both enjoy. I suppose I need to stop worrying about what others might think and concentrate on us.

My little boy has special needs also so the dynamics of the day are stressing me out a bit and if things might get a bit too much for him. But then I thought what a better chance for me to steal some time alone with my lil man