5 year old lashed out at me

pbody1985

Hi

Not sure where to post this , but still in some shock over my 5 year old girls actions , I was brining my daughter into bed and she was tired and looking for sweets I said not a hope it's bed time and she winged then that stopped , then got to bed and she sat on the bed and said she wanted to open her new toys I said tomorrow she could because it's too late now , I then asked her to get into bed and I would tuck her in she straight away shouted no at me and continued to , I said 5 seconds to get into bed or ur getting a red bum ( always threaten never do) she sat there staring at me and I tapped her on side of her bum and she lashed back me with a slap on my chest I then yelled at her not to hit me and she tryed again , I then walked out of the room and fly my other half to put her to bed , which was fine , I'm just concerned that she lashed out at me and she is such a good girl and so clever she never done this before and I'm a bit taken back that my loving daughter has lashed out at me

godtabh

you threatened a red bum, then 'touched' her bum and she lashed out? Sounds like she was afraid of a smack a lashed out

moving_home

I think you need to look at what you are teaching. By threatening her with violence you are teaching her that violence is an appropriate response. I'm afraid this is all about your behaviour towards her.

Keane2baMused

This is a classic example of 'do as I say not as I do' OP.

I'm not sure if you really are missing the fact that your daughter reacted this way because of your actions, or if the mammy guilt is stopping you admitting it?

dori_dormer

Tensions were high and you were both stressed and tired. I don't believe in any kind of corporal punishment , even threatening it. But you did follow through this time and your child defended themselves. I feel quite proud of your daughter even if you don't. Remember you lashed out first.

Maybe tomorrow when you are both rested and in better form, talk about the incident and what led up to it. Apologise for hitting her and promise to never do it again. Maybe try and make a pact that you don't hit or threaten to hurt eachother again.

You are a grown adult and would be expected to have far more self control than a five yr old.

Rubberchikken

It was a combination of things imo but i dont agree with threatening a 'red bum' or even tapping it no matter how gentle.

I think ypu need to rethink how you discipline her. Its only going to get tougher otherwise as she gets older.

hearmehearye

I think there's a lot to be said for leaving them alone before they get the kick out of rising you.

Story Bud?

Couple of issues here.

1. Empty threats - you say you never carry them out. Complete waste of time making a threat and then not doing it. Your daughter isn't stupid. She knows it's not going to happen so the threat is no longer there.

2. You're upset that a small child lashed out and hit you, a grown adult. Imagine how she feels when a grown adult hit her?

3. You're teaching her violence is ok, threatened or otherwise, don't be surprised when she decides it's ok too.

rpmcs

As most have said ....The use of bun slap is not best.
I find simple way is to say that if she is not good and get into bed then the new toy gets put back to shop ..
But if she's good she will get it next day ....
A 5yr old will normally see the reason and change tune.

05eaftqbrs9jlh

You threatened and hit a child so she mimicked your behaviour. Also stop giving her refined sugar in any form and replace sugar with fruit and healthy snacks.

c montgomery

Redden her bum, she'll soon learn where the limits are then

Story Bud?

With regards to how to avoid this situation in future.....

Bed should always be made to feel like a good place. It should never be used as a threat (if you don't eat your carrots you're going to bed etc).

Children should never associate their bedroom/bed with negativity.

You should read to/with your daughter so that she looks forward to bed.

Think about situations you have been in where someone shouts at you, do you take heed of what they're telling you or do you completely switch off and go on the defensive? Don't shout at your child, she's not going to listen to a word of it when she's being yelled at.

ahappychappy

As others have said threatened violence doesn't work nor do idle threats. Lots of various methods for discipline, stickers to gain weekly treat, e.g. comic etc or loss f privilege, no DVD Saturday evening. Personally I find a more carrot less stick works. When we are tired sometimes the best thing is walk away take a breath and let them identify and correct their behavior, but my oldest is 8 and would have learnt some tools about anger through mindfulness at school.

We learn from our upbringing my mum and dad didn't believe in smacking, they used to take the plug off this telly 😀

Big Bag of Chips

A 5 year old doesn't understand delayed gratification. I don't understand why a 5 year old knew they had new toys before they went to bed, but weren't allowed open them. Why wasn't she allowed open them earlier?

I don't know why you're in shock or taken aback. You threatened to hit her, and then tapped her bum. She was angry because of the sweets and toys and hit you back. She has less awareness and self control.... She's 5.

Neyite

c montgomery wrote: »

Redden her bum, she'll soon learn where the limits are then

Mod:

Hitting is now unlawful so posters cant advise this anymore. Thankfully.

Mango Joe

The "yelling" and threats of violence you've mentioned are obviously not returning the rewards you hoped for.

In fairness nobody's perfect, you should aim to build on a new plan and tactics starting tomorrow, best of luck....

monkeysnapper

I've a 4 year old boy and at times he to pushes my buttons.
I've had to drag myself aside a few times as I started feeling I was loosing control and its a bad place to be .

I remember thinking . if there was a expert in room what would they say , what advice would they say / give .

Its amazing getting caught up in the moments and forgetting how to deal with situations .

In my case I put small man on stairs or in his room and give him space and time to think . plus I'm taking myself away from stressful situation and have time to think .

It always works really , well for me it does, don't beat yourself up op, were all learning everyday . what works for me today may not work tomorrow .

Good luck

SeantheMan

Neyite wrote: »

Mod:

Hitting is now unlawful so posters cant advise this anymore. Thankfully.

You can't slap your child on the bum anymore ?
I'm nearly sure when I was home last I seen this a few times out and about in town from mother with unruly or screaming kids in shops.

05eaftqbrs9jlh

SeantheMan wrote:

You can't slap your child on the bum anymore ? I'm nearly sure when I was home last I seen this a few times out and about in town from mother with unruly or screaming kids in shops.

I have visions where I throw myself in the path of the mother's hand when I see things like this. I imagine I'm that child getting physically assaulted because I'm overstimulated and have needs that are beyond my level of ability to articulate. I seethe thinking about how fortunate and privileged a person is to have a healthy child, and how callously they inflict injury on them. I wonder at how many people actually think it's acceptable for violence to be an option when it comes to negotiating with a young person who hasn't had the opportunity to fully develop their cognition.

thisistough

You hit her so she hit you back? I doesn't matter how lightly you 'tapped' her bum, how's a 5 year old to know the difference? You're showing her that violence is the way to get other people to do what you want, of course she'll try to use it the same way.

Neyite

SeantheMan wrote: »

You can't slap your child on the bum anymore ?
I'm nearly sure when I was home last I seen this a few times out and about in town from mother with unruly or screaming kids in shops.

http://www.irishtimes.com/news/crime-and-law/ban-on-smacking-children-came-into-force-at-midnight-1.2461969

Legal changes aimed at banning the slapping or use of force against children came into law on Friday.

Minister for Children Dr James Reilly has signed a commencement order which removes the defence of “reasonable chastisement” in cases where a person uses corporal punishment against a child.

He said he hoped the move would lead to a cultural change across Irish society over the use of physical punishment.

While legislation which allowed parents to use force against their children was repealed almost 15 years ago, the defence of reasonable chastisement has remained in common law for parents or child carers.

A subtle difference from what I originally assumed when I posted my mod note.

seamus

OP, I know you're getting a hard time here, but remember that everyone else is looking at this with a cool head. We've all been in that situation where a tired child is pushing our tired buttons and all you want to do is scream.

As other posters have said here, you can't really be surprised that you gave her a smack (however gentle) because you were annoyed and then she directly mimicked your behaviour right back at you. She was annoyed, so she smacked you, just like you did. Children learn by example.

For bedtime issues, what tends to work for us is talk of the consequences tomorrow if she doesn't go to sleep. Getting her all wound up and upset at bedtime is counter-productive, so we basically don't carry out any kind of corrective stuff (naughty step, etc) at bedtime.

Instead it's things like, "If you don't get a really good sleep tonight, we won't be able to go see your friends tomorrow", or in your case, "If you don't come and get into bed, we're going to have to bring those new toys back to the shop. The girl at the shop said they were only for girls who were really good at bedtime", etc.

It's natural to get upset when the child you think is so gentle, caring and intelligent throws a feral tantrum or acts like one of those crazy children on Supernanny. But they're all children at the end of the day. Even the quiestest and cleverest have their moments of madness.

DSN

Have been there, child wound up & you lost it so child lashes out - hardly a surprise really but maybe if it been the first time it comes as a shock. our daughter does this even to her dad who she adores & would be much calmer person than I! Esp at bed time something doesn't go her way on a certain night & she FLIPs. & whichever one of us parents is less tired will deal with it - I know from experience with her shouting / roaring back at her just doesn't work at all - just makes her 10 times worse. she's just gone 7 now so we're all getting more mature & better with dealing with it - but takes time & lots of patience!

Neyite

Yep, we've all been there OP - pushed to the brink of our patience by our little angels

Do you have a bedtime routine? Maybe snuggle up and read a story to her? I think that when they get to that point of hyper-tired we have to find ways to get them to relax. One that works for us is a bedtime story. My lad loves his story so usually when he's pelting around the house at bedtime and not getting his PJ's on or listening, the threat of no story usually stops him in his tracks.

The threat of the smack to her no longer works because a) you never actually followed through on it so to her its an empty threat, and b) it's had the unintended effect of being a method she is starting to use - against you, or maybe even start to smack other children in school. So you are back to the drawing board and need to have a think about other consequences that might work better now.

Can I ask you to have a think from her point of view? When you said this: "I'm just concerned that she lashed out at me and she is such a good girl and so clever she never done this before and I'm a bit taken back that my loving daughter has lashed out at me" Consider that if she could verbalise as well as an adult that she could say the exact same thing about you right now. Maybe a sit down with her, tell her you are sorry you smacked and that you want you both to learn how to talk nicely and have no more hitting because it is wrong. Then outline a proposed bedtime routine, give plenty of advance notice - eg tell her its 5 more mins till bedtime, remind her that she gets her PJ's on, brush teeth, does wee and then she'll get a story - and which story would she like to pick. Distract her from the process with that maybe? Before she realises it (hopefully!) you'll both be cuddled up on the bed reading a story.

Once in bed, its pretty common for them to want water, the loo, have an itch and so on. Firm, calm consistency works there for me. I don't engage or get into debate/argument with him, just a firm "It's bedtime, go to sleep! on repeat.

nikpmup

Neyite wrote: »

Yep, we've all been there OP - pushed to the brink of our patience by our little angels ........
Can I ask you to have a think from her point of view?...............Consider that if she could verbalise as well as an adult that she could say the exact same thing about you right now. Maybe a sit down with her, tell her you are sorry you smacked and that you want you both to learn how to talk nicely and have no more hitting because it is wrong............I don't engage or get into debate/argument with him, just a firm "It's bedtime, go to sleep! on repeat.

Really good ideas & great post

irish_dave_83

Hey OP, I wouldn't worry too much about it. Just talk to her one to one and explain what she did wrong and what you did wrong.

After that I go for the "bold step" approach with my 5 year old and I follow through with the threat of it, it is the maximum punishment in my household so no sweet or not being allowed play with a particular toy are lesser punishments. It works a treat for me, once you are fair about it (which i'm sure you are)and give some leeway.
I don't want my daughters to be afraid of me personally, just of the consequence of what will happen if they misbehave(break the rules).