Advice - Single Mothers

unhappykat

Hi all

For a while now I have been considering the possibility of having a baby. The thing is if I do this I will likely be a single mother, paying all bills and looking after the child myself (outside of crèche hours).

I make a good wage however I live in Dublin so nearly half of my pay goes on rent.

If I had a child I’d have to pay crèche fees which I know are in the region of €1000 per month and that plus rent would leave me with 300 or 400 euros a month to feed and clothe myself and a child. This doesn’t seem like enough.

My mother was a single mother who worked and supported myself and two brothers (so I know it can be done- she is inspiring) but at the time she didn’t need to pay any crèche fees as we were in school.

Any advice from working single mothers would be hugely appreciated. Motherhood is calling me but financials seem to be holding me back.

Any advice appreciated

bonyn

2 parents is best for a child. Yes, there are sad cases where a child is deprived of 1 or both parents due to death or relationship breakdowns. But what you're considering is morally wrong. It's worse that you're only considering your own need and your financial situation.

Mod Note

This is your opinion and not fact.

eviltwin

bonyn wrote: »

2 parents is best for a child. Yes, there are sad cases where a child is deprived of 1 or both parents due to death or relationship breakdowns. But what you're considering is morally wrong. It's worse that you're only considering your own need and your financial situation.

I think it was advice she was looking for, not judgement :rolleyes:

unhappykat

I thank you bonyn for your response however I disagree with you wholeheartedly.

I'm considering the financial situation that would have implications on a child and therefore I feel I am being responsible.

highly1111

bonyn wrote: »

2 parents is best for a child. Yes, there are sad cases where a child is deprived of 1 or both parents due to death or relationship breakdowns. But what you're considering is morally wrong. It's worse that you're only considering your own need and your financial situation.

Where's the "unthank" button??

Plenty of crap parents who are in relationships. I think the OP obviously has her head screwed on morally considering she's not recklessly trying to conceive by randomly trapping a bloke / one night stand.

I've no advise but what I will say is that I can imagine you'll regret not doing it rather than doing it. A huge part of your decision will depend on your immediate support network. There was a very good interview on ray d'Arcy a while ago with a woman who went solo and might be worth searching for on podcast.

2xj3hplqgsbkym

I think with crèche fees in dublin it would be prohibitively expensive.
If you need a new washing machine for example , that's your €400 gone, so you have no food or nappies for the month, never mind car tax, household bills, insurance etc...
Things you could consider - having the child minded by a minder or relative or moving somewhere outside dublin with cheaper rents.
Do you have support from family? It is hard been sole carer 24 hours a day , especially if you are up all night with a sick or crying baby , have to go to work for the day and as soon as you get home back to sick baby and repeat....
It would be best to talk in to other single parents if you can.

littelady

Would an au pair be better suited than crèche. Much cheaper and on hand if you need to work late or if the child is sick.

Moonbeam

With the uncertainty of the rental market in Dublin I would consider trying to buy a place before having a child on your own .
Is leaving Dublin an option?
Do you have good support?
Will you be happy with just 1 child?
Is there a chance you might meet someone and settle down?
We paid 1100pm full time and 800 part time for 1 child in creche in Dublin.
Are you prepared for sick days etc?

I fully understand the want for a child and I don't believe a child needs 2 parents but also as an adopted child I think knowing where you come from and medical history is important.

I have 4 kids and although married a husband that is rarely around so I do 99% of it myself.
It can be lonely,finding babysitters when they are young is hard,trying to be there for every school concert is hard,missing them during work hours,hormones post pregnancy,no one to argue with;)

OldNotWIse

bonyn wrote: »

2 parents is best for a child. Yes, there are sad cases where a child is deprived of 1 or both parents due to death or relationship breakdowns. But what you're considering is morally wrong. It's worse that you're only considering your own need and your financial situation.

You don't get to decide that.

bonyn

OldNotWIse wrote: »

You don't get to decide that.

*Cringe* i see that americanism has crept over here.

Anyway, i didn't "decide" anything. Just offered the op some advice.

Story Bud?

bonyn wrote: »

*Cringe* i see that americanism has crept over here.

Anyway, i didn't "decide" anything. Just offered the op some advice.

You decided that having a child as a single parent is wrong.

That is your opinion, it is not however, a fact.

OldNotWIse

bonyn wrote: »

*Cringe* i see that americanism has crept over here.

Anyway, i didn't "decide" anything. Just offered the op some advice.

I'll ignore the pathetic dig, though you are right to cringe - I certainly am not cringing.

Where exactly was your advice?

unhappykat

Bonyn all I saw in your response was judgement, not advice.

unhappykat

littelady wrote: »

Would an au pair be better suited than crèche. Much cheaper and on hand if you need to work late or if the child is sick.

This is a very good idea. I would need a two bed apartment and am currently in one. I will investigate standard pay and other information regarding au pairs. Thank you so much for this.

OldNotWIse

I don't think there is anything wrong with OP's question. It makes sense to think about the practicalities and financial implications of having a child - something that many couples do not consider as they jump headfirst into parenthood. There is nothing "sad" about a child only having one parent, if that parent is responsible and provides for the child and the child is very much wanted and planned.

bonyn

Story Bud? wrote: »

You decided that having a child as a single parent is wrong.

That is your opinion, it is not however, a fact.

Yes it is my opinion, and you dont like it.

However something tells me you won't like the facts any better. Statistically, children in one parent families are worse off than children from 2 parent families.

Mod Note
Do not randomly quote statistics with out backing your claim up.

OldNotWIse

bonyn wrote: »

Yes it is my opinion, and you dont like it.

However something tells me you won't like the facts any better. Statistically, children in one parent families are worse off than children from 2 parent families.

You forgot the "in my opinion" in your initial post, which made it look like you were putting forward a statement of fact, rather than an opinion.

I'd be interested in links to show how children "are worse off" in single parent families.

I'd also be interested to see what exactly being "worse off" is, or like your sense of right and wrong, is it entirely subjective?

ash23

I would suggest OP that before proceeding, start putting the amount a creche will cost plus another amount (say 300 per month) into a savings account and try not to touch it.
This will give you an idea of how things will be financially if you do have a baby and have to pay for creche, food, nappies etc.
It can be very tough financially to be a single parent. If you earn under a certain amount you may be eligible for Family Income Supplement and you would also be eligible for €140 child benefit per month so factor that into your sums when deciding how much to put aside.

Also bear in mind that the creche costs reduce in a few years but other costs increase so it more or less balances out and that will be how you are living for the next 20 or so years (more or less).

If you can manage on what you have left then you've a fair idea of the financial implications. Plus you'll have a bit of a nest egg for when the baby arrives if you wanted to take unpaid maternity leave or something.

unhappykat

Moonbeam wrote: »

With the uncertainty of the rental market in Dublin I would consider trying to buy a place before having a child on your own .
Is leaving Dublin an option?
Do you have good support?
Will you be happy with just 1 child?
Is there a chance you might meet someone and settle down?
Are you prepared for sick days etc?

To be honest buying a place is not an option for me currently. I am 36 and while I won't rule settling down out completely, I do not want to wait around for Mr Right while my ability to have children dwindles.

I would be very happy with more than one child however it would depend on financials.

Sick days, creche fees, late nights, early mornings, all done by me, these are all things that I think of. I know it won't be easy. I remember how hard it was on my mother. But the difference is that it's something I'd be choosing.

Moonbeam

When ages comes in to it too ,I think once you have the stability and are sure you are willing to give up alot then go for it.

eviltwin

bonyn wrote: »

Yes it is my opinion, and you dont like it.

However something tells me you won't like the facts any better. Statistically, children in one parent families are worse off than children from 2 parent families.

The OP is not a statistic, she is a person and going by the thought she is putting into her decision I think that bodes very well for the her and her child's future.

Judge Trudy

Hi OP, just wanted to give you my experience. I became a single parent 3 years ago, unfortunately my daughters father had no interest in her so I battered on myself. Bringing a newborn baby into the world on my own was the hardest thing I have ever done. It was exhausting and I had very little support but the bond I now have with my child is incredible and was worth every sleepless night. There were weeks I didn't have a crumb to eat but she never went hungry which is all that mattered to me.

Make sure you have a rainy day fund, unforeseen things like taking your child to the dermatologist can cost 100e, dental visits 35e, shoes which can cost 40e on top of the week to week stuff like food, transport, creche, clothes, toys&books etc.

If you're working full time, you can avail of the Single Person Carer Tax Credit which can mean quite a bit extra to your earnings every week. Also claim for FIS if you need it.

Good luck OP and although there is still some stigma attached to being a single parent, most people are not like that and the best friends I have made were other supportive parents. I would be doing exactly what you're doing if I didn't have my daughter. Who knows, Mr. Right might come along later. It happened to me but I wouldn't be hanging around wondering if that's what you want.

Story Bud?

bonyn wrote: »

Yes it is my opinion, and you dont like it.

However something tells me you won't like the facts any better. Statistically, children in one parent families are worse off than children from 2 parent families.

I don't have any issue with your opinion actually.

I have an issue at you pretending to give the OP advice - which you have not. And I have an issue with you putting across your opinion as a fact.

It would actually be very interesting to see the statistics of which you speak, the OP herself seems like the type of woman who would prefer to be informed before making such a decision, so by all means, please show us these stats.

unhappykat

Story Bud? wrote: »

I don't have any issue with your opinion actually.

I have an issue at you pretending to give the OP advice - which you have not. And I have an issue with you putting across your opinion as a fact.

It would actually be very interesting to see the statistics of which you speak, the OP herself seems like the type of woman who would prefer to be informed before making such a decision, so by all means, please show us these stats.

I would love to see some statistics if any such stats exist? To be fair though nothing will change my opinions which are based on my experiences. Raised single-handedly by my mother and I am a contributing, sane, hard-working member of society. And I know if I choose to, I will make a great mother, single or otherwise.

mordeith

bonyn wrote: »

Yes it is my opinion, and you dont like it.

However something tells me you won't like the facts any better. Statistically, children in one parent families are worse off than children from 2 parent families.

Damn all you single parents who have left abusive partners or who have lost their partners through tragedy. Bonyn thinks you have ruined your children

unhappykat

mordeith wrote: »

Damn all you single parents who have left abusive partners or who have lost their partners through tragedy. Bonyn thinks you have ruined your children

No I think bereavement was ok? It's harlots like myself who are the problem. Apparently.

OldNotWIse

mordeith wrote: »

Damn all you single parents who have left abusive partners or who have lost their partners through tragedy. Bonyn thinks you have ruined your children

Morally bankrupt they are

pwurple

OP, set up your support systems way in advance, and make sure they are on board. Friends, family, paid carers, etc.

Make plans for the following scenarios:
What happens when you are sick?
What happens when you need to travel or do a course for work?
Do you have maternity leave fully paid at work, and are you eligible for it?
Will the child be covered in your health insurance?
What happens if you get PND?
Who will help you if you have a c-section?

Basically, you need a reliable replacement for the backup system that children with two parents usually have.

A 1 bed apartment is doable, but it will be very tight. While babies don't take up much space, buggy's, cots and toys do.

You're quite tight for money on the figures you quoted above too. Children are more expensive than most people think and more so as they get older. School books, friends parties, clothes, food. They consume more resources than adults... I don't grow out of my clothes or shoes or toys, children do.


It's a huge undertaking, creating another human being. You say motherhood is calling you. Can you experience it in any other way? Taking nieces and nephews away on extended holidays? Becoming a foster parent?

Moonbeam

*mod note*

Please keep this thread on topic.
The op is looking for advice and experience not criticism for trying to be informed.

mohawk

I know a woman who did this. She was 40 and wanted to be a mother, she now has a lovely little girl. She doesn't regret it for a second, she admits herself finances are tight. Her daughter is 6 now and the baby stage was hard (hardest part so far anyway). Going to work when you got no sleep the night before is tough you feel like a zombie the next day. She finds it easier now as she gets a full nights sleep and has an au pair.

You will need a support behind you. Sometimes you need time for yourself to go for a walk or run or just hear yourself think. Having no me time is common problem for single parents.

Best of luck OP.