18 month jealous of newborn, advice please

armabelle

Hi there

how do other parents deal with their toddler having tantrums when mom is feeding newborn baby? Our 1st child is 18 months and she is overall very excited by the newborn baby but she gets a bit jealous / hysterical when feeding time comes and wants to climb on top of mom and/or squash the newborn. Mom has to deny her but then she blows into a tantrum. Obviously verbal explanations aren't going to work as our 1st child doesn't talk. We try reasonably explaining to her but she just blows up from time to time and then the screams and tantrums are no good for the newborn. How can this be resolved? Please can someone give us a tip or two?

otwb1

I sit on the sofa to feed and have my toddler get a book so we can read while I'm feeding. He seems to enjoy the quiet time.

armabelle

otwb1 wrote: »

I sit on the sofa to feed and have my toddler get a book so we can read while I'm feeding. He seems to enjoy the quiet time.

when your child is having a tantrum you read to them?

otwb1

otwb1 wrote:

I sit on the sofa to feed and have my toddler get a book so we can read while I'm feeding. He seems to enjoy the quiet time.

..should add toddler was 21 months when baby was born...

moving_home

Even if the child doesn't talk she will probably be able to understand. So before taking the baby up to feed explain what you are going to do and get activities the toddler can do beside you like reading etc

detoxkid

There is 19 months between my now 6 month old and two year old. So I feel your pain. It does get easier but my older daughter still gets jealous from time to time. We got my older daughter a baby doll and a cheap dolls buggy and crib. She basically mimics what I do with the baby with her doll, including breastfeeding her. The feeding was a huge problem at first. I used to feed on the couch but it worker better when I got down on the floor and fed baby beside her so she would see what was going on. I'd have my bottle of water, she would have her beaker of water. I burned baby then she burped her doll I experimented with plenty of distraction techniques in the beginning including sticking peppa pig on, nursery rhymes etc when baby was feeding. I still do that sometimes but keep it for when toddler is particularly narky

armabelle

moving_home wrote: »

Even if the child doesn't talk she will probably be able to understand. So before taking the baby up to feed explain what you are going to do and get activities the toddler can do beside you like reading etc

My toddler is not the type to be explained anything yet at her age... not yet. She does not really respond to explanations. She is a fiesty hot-blooded one. She is also carnivorous

armabelle

detoxkid wrote: »

There is 19 months between my now 6 month old and two year old. So I feel your pain. It does get easier but my older daughter still gets jealous from time to time. We got my older daughter a baby doll and a cheap dolls buggy and crib. She basically mimics what I do with the baby with her doll, including breastfeeding her. The feeding was a huge problem at first. I used to feed on the couch but it worker better when I got down on the floor and fed baby beside her so she would see what was going on. I'd have my bottle of water, she would have her beaker of water. I burned baby then she burped her doll I experimented with plenty of distraction techniques in the beginning including sticking peppa pig on, nursery rhymes etc when baby was feeding. I still do that sometimes but keep it for when toddler is particularly narky

peppa pig works for us too but I feel bad sticking it on everytime. I don't like to put on too much cartoons for her because it is a habit I want her to have in moderation. thanks for your experience

moving_home

armabelle wrote: »

My toddler is not the type to be explained anything yet at her age... not yet. She does not really respond to explanations. She is a fiesty hot-blooded one. She is also carnivorous

I don't know what you mean by carnivorous in this context but ok! I have a 17 month old and in my experience people really under estimate their comprehension at this age.

LegacyUser

I've got a 12 week old and a just-turned-two year old. She was 21 months when the baba arrived.

Climbing all over me during feeding - yes. Annoyed me so much, she would be throwing herself at me, leaning against my arms, trying to climb behind me it drove me crazy. I basically just had to keep telling her no, no, no. Also kept telling her that it would take longer to feed the baby and then I wouldn't be able to play with her. Whether she really got that or not, I don't know, but I kept saying it. She likes books, so I stocked up on books, crayons and colouring books (with stickers) and she'd put them on the sofa beside me and with my free hand, I'd play with her (I breastfed). I have to go easy on the TV with her because I find she goes a bit insane if she watches too much TV, so I try to avoid putting it on til evening.

It's very very hard. So hard. I don't know how old your newborn is but really, all you can do is get through each day at a time and keep the message consistent. If your wife can try to get some one on one time with the toddler too, it will help. Honestly right now, the newborn isn't really going to notice the tantrum. And your toddler is stressed. She's still a baby herself and is a bit lost in this new world order and hasn't got the words to express it. I know it might sound a bit hippy but she needs to know she's still loved and that although there's a lot of change, she's still important too. My little one is very articulate but still, it was really really hard - she's also completely nuts. 12 weeks on I can tell you it does get a bit easier but you still have off days. She does squish the baby, but I regularly try to let her hold the baby. It makes her feel involved and included I think - well, she seems to respond well to it anyway. I've tried a variety of ways to stop her from doing things. She was hitting the baby on the head a lot and one day she did it (hard) and the baby howled - I took a deep breath, took the baby out and said "here you hold her" and handed her the screaming baby (she was sitting down). It totally took the wind out of her sails and she actually hasn't done it since - she tried to comfort the baby for a few minutes and then told me it was ok. It goes against every thing in you, but funnily enough it worked. Lately I've noticed when the baby is crying, she'll say "it's ok baby", if she's in the room near her.

I also recently got a book called "I'm a Big Sister" by Joanna Cole. It's very very simple and very good. I read it to my little one and I could see she was really taking it all in, seeing the comparisons between "her" baby and the baby in the book. I suggest you might try that with your toddler. It may not solve the problem instantly, but over time - even a short time - it will give her a picture of what's going on and how's she's still special.

Lashes28

I've an 18 month old and a 5 month old and i found the best way to distract her is for tv time when I'm feeding..it's the only time she ever wants me if I have the little one..

Speedwell

Nearly 48 years ago, I was an only child, 24 months old, when my new baby brother arrived. Our mother told me later, when I was eight or so, that when she brought him home, she carefully explained to me about how I was now the big sister and Michael was now the baby. She helped me learn to give him his bottle (breast feeding wasn't the "modern" thing that year), and let me watch and be appropriately involved when Michael was being changed, bathed, swaddled, and put to bed in his crib. She would tell me, "You're such a good big sister". A few weeks later, after having been the perfect, model child all my life, she saw me lean over the baby in his basket and give him a good hard slug. I was hurried away with shocked reprimands of "good girls don't hit babies", and put in time out. My mother was literally too shocked to think of spanking me, because I'd been such a good and obedient baby and toddler. She ended the story with, "I don't know what made you do such a thing".

Well, I know. I don't remember the incident, but I remember the feelings I had around that time. (Yes, I really do. They were important.) To put it in grown-up language, I was furious, as furious as a little one can be, that I was relegated to being another baby's second fiddle. I saw all my privileges of special food, care, affection, and even language taken away and given to someone else. I felt a lot like you would feel if, having been told your involuntary job transfer was a promotion, you found that it was actually a demotion and that your pay and benefits had been cut and given to someone else hired in the role you left. I tried telling my mother that all I had ever wanted was to be loved and cared for the same as before, and to not be pushed aside as something in the way whenever the baby cried. But that was back in the early '70s, and unless you were very modern indeed, you didn't think eight-year-olds had opinions worth taking seriously.

fro9etb8j5qsl2

I found that pre-emptive distraction worked best for us. Get out as many toys as you can and stick on the tv and make sure the toddler is engrossed before you start feeding. No need to feel bad about it, it's just a short term measure until your toddler adjusts to the situation. I also found that getting down on the floor and doing a good spell of playing and undivided attention with the toddler before the feed helped. And when all else failed and he still started having a screechfest mid feed, breaking into a chorus of the wheels on the bus usually stopped him in his tracks

armabelle

Elisa Brief Reggae wrote: »

I found that pre-emptive distraction worked best for us. Get out as many toys as you can and stick on the tv and make sure the toddler is engrossed before you start feeding. No need to feel bad about it, it's just a short term measure until your toddler adjusts to the situation. I also found that getting down on the floor and doing a good spell of playing and undivided attention with the toddler before the feed helped. And when all else failed and he still started having a screechfest mid feed, breaking into a chorus of the wheels on the bus usually stopped him in his tracks

I feel so bad using TV as a distraction the whole time but I know that will work. Can only use it so many times a day though. Luckily, my toddler is getting used to things for now so things are improving.

thank you!

Lashes28

Please don't feel so bad Armabelle..the best thing that gets me through the day is that both of them will never remember any of the mistakes we learn from 😊