Teenage piercings

SheelaghB

I'm at my wits end with my teenage daughter - she loves piercings and has done a few herself on her ears, without permission, she now wants to get septum done or ear stretched, she goes on an on about it, we have told her she is not allowed as she is not yet 18 and still in school. She has self-harmed in the past and I'm not sure if she is still doing it or not, we only found out by chance about this, she is very secretive and is also very angry, she can go from 0 to 10 in seconds! I have begged her to talk to a counsellor or GP but she absolutely refuses. I don't know how much more of the behaviour I can take, I'm struggling right now because I feel we are all treading on eggshells when she is around and just waiting for the next explosion. Does anybody have any advice? I have spoken to psychologist but without daughter engaging with somebody it is extremely difficult!

vicwatson

I think you need more professional advice than you might get on here. I wish you all the best.

Kovu

I'm not speaking as a parent but as someone who went through the same piercing phase when I was maybe 15/16. Even pierced my own ears as well but was always cautious with disinfection and aftercare.
Have you spoken to your daughter about why she wants them or does she just close down immediately and storm off? Does she realise that piercings on the face will leave scars?
Stretching the ears is a tedious process if she wants to do it correctly and not rip the ear. Would your daughter maybe agree to go and speak to a professional piercer with you and get their opinion on facial piercings and stretches at such a young age. Not many of them will advocate it and won't do U16s.

What is the schools view on piercings as well? Anything other than studs was supposedly banned in my old school but I never heard anything about having numerous piercings. I know of stricter schools that made pupils remove piercings during school time, which led to barely healed piercings being subjected to piercings being removed & reinserted continuously which caused infections.

SheelaghB

Thank you for your input. When asked about why she wants all the piercings she claims it's part of her identity, by the way I feel she is probably struggling with this, she will do anything to be different from most of the girls she knows! She is 16 and I believe most piercing parlours will do whatever is asked once they are over 16. She has been very careful with the hygiene of the piercings that she has done herself and so far has not had any infections, that's not to say she won't.
As regards the school's policy, as far as I know they are ok with multiple ear piercings but do not allow facial piercings, however, she said if she were to get her septum pierced there is some particular type of bar/ring that can be pushed back that would not be seen. I have tried to tell her that if piercings get infected they can leave holes but this doesn't seem to bother her.
Personally, I feel the whole self harm/piercings is connected but obviously I am not qualified to confirm that is the case. There is the unsaid threat that if she doesn't get her own way with this, she will self harm and it feels like she is holding this over me!

Kovu

Yes there's something called a keeper that's a U shape so it can be twisted up.
I'd personally see no problem with allowing her to get one, it's the fashionable piercing at the moment and we all know how fashion trends go in a few years! At least it's one that would have no visible scarring (unlike my lip piercings) and can be hidden.
Though you should take some solace in the fact that she hasn't gone and gotten it done regardless, because that's what I used to do.
I don't really know enough about self harm to comment on it but I wouldn't connect it with piercings, it's pretty mean to have the unspoken threat of it hanging over you if she doesn't get her way
There are fake septum rings she could try out and see if she likes the look of it, you never know, she might change her mind when she sees herself with one. They were never my style as they always reminded me of a bull ring!

SheelaghB

I'm with you on the 'bull ring' that's exactly what I think and I know a girl she doesn't like that has one and have tried to deter her by that! It is only a matter of time before she goes and gets it done herself and I know that, she is very determined and if she wants something nothing will stand in her way of getting it. She says herself that piercing is very addictive - would you agree?? so I just wonder what would be the next one if I gave in on this?? she doesn't like the more common ones - they are considered too mainstream!!
Thanks for coming on here and posting your own comments, I appreciate it, and also from a piercer's perspective.

Kovu

SheelaghB wrote: »

I'm with you on the 'bull ring' that's exactly what I think and I know a girl she doesn't like that has one and have tried to deter her by that! It is only a matter of time before she goes and gets it done herself and I know that, she is very determined and if she wants something nothing will stand in her way of getting it. She says herself that piercing is very addictive - would you agree?? so I just wonder what would be the next one if I gave in on this?? she doesn't like the more common ones - they are considered too mainstream!!
Thanks for coming on here and posting your own comments, I appreciate it, and also from a piercer's perspective.

Well I went from lobe piercings to a few ones at the top of my ear to an eyebrow and two on my lip, then stretched my own ears to 10mm. Plus a rook piercing in one ear, perhaps something like that couple be a middle-ground you could allow for your daughter? It's a different piercing as not many have it, plus it's not too visible.
All in all I never got any strange piercings but definitely more than the average. I didn't get a piercing bug though, I got a tattoo one!


Ahahaha, determined. My father was never that nice about it, he said I was as stubborn as the ass down the field. Which was correct, but determined is a nicer way to put it :D

bp

I had loads when I was young and have taken all but two out since. Personally I would would offer a deal, you will take her to a reputable shop and talk through the options with her if she sees a counselor - but you must promise never to ask what she/ they spoke about. Someone who deals with young adults and let her know she can talk about nothing or everything and you won't ask. She is clearly going through something and talking will help.

They are a form of self expression and addictive but at her age she doesn't think about job prospects in the future.

SheelaghB

Thank you. I have considered this deal before and I have said that we both need to compromise, would you say get to a counsellor first and after she engages with him/her then agree to something?

I have tried every possible way to get around her to go and talk to somebody but she insists that she doesn't need to!

I agree at that age she is not thinking about future jobs

bp

I would probably do both together if possible - eg we will go to town on Saturday to a piercing place to talk and afterwards (or before) I would like you to speak to someone about whatever is on your mind as I know it is hard for you to speak to me. I was young once and remember how hard it was to talk to my parents about what was going on in my head and life. Maybe someone with no connection to me could be a good idea. It will be between both of you and I won't ask etc.

This might not work but it shows that you are respecting her as an almost adult and offering a solution. Obviously it will only work if she wants it to work (speaking to someone) but they are trained to help

LegacyUser

Hi OP. My opinion does differ from yours. I understand that you do not want her to get a piercing, My parents are the same with me. I thought you might appreciate the view of another teenager.

The thing is, a piercing may not be visually appealing to you, but your daughter must think different. You mentioned that she has self harmed. Now as a young person who has struggled with my emotions and thoughts, I turned to alcohol to help. I thought that would make me happy. I wanted something that would make me happy. Perhaps this piercing would do that for her? and better a body piercing than a drug.

I understand that as parents you have to enforce rules and she can't get everything she wants even though she may not be feeling the greatest at the moment. I am also not by any means suggesting that you don't have her happiness in mind!! But I know with my parents, sometimes they refuse me things but they don't look at it from my point of view at all and it is very frustrating. Anyways, I don't know if anything I said is worth much but good luck with everything.

makeandcreate

SheelaghB wrote: »

I'm at my wits end with my teenage daughter - she loves piercings and has done a few herself on her ears, without permission, she now wants to get septum done or ear stretched, she goes on an on about it, we have told her she is not allowed as she is not yet 18 and still in school. She has self-harmed in the past and I'm not sure if she is still doing it or not, we only found out by chance about this, she is very secretive and is also very angry, she can go from 0 to 10 in seconds! I have begged her to talk to a counsellor or GP but she absolutely refuses. I don't know how much more of the behaviour I can take, I'm struggling right now because I feel we are all treading on eggshells when she is around and just waiting for the next explosion. Does anybody have any advice? I have spoken to psychologist but without daughter engaging with somebody it is extremely difficult!

OP - it seems really strange to type this now but years ago - more than 25 - can you believe that, I can't - I had my tongue pierced, septum. tragus, nipple , clitoris - tats, a backpiece . Now I only have only 2 piercings but I am not that angry seething mass that I felt no one understood because now I understand myself. Let her go - but don't pay for them.