Child's Birthday

LegacyUser

It's my daughters third birthday at the end of the month. I haven't had any parties as there aren't many kids her age in the family. Her father and I aren't together and I left him before she was born as he was emotionally manipulating me. He goes through phases of making effort and not making effort. But he sees her on her birthday. This year I said (without thinking) that we'd go to the local play centre as I know she loves it. I told him only the three of us would be going. However, he wants to bring other people that I don't know, or have never heard about. Said he wants to bring a few other kids to keep her company. Is it wrong that I feel a bit uncomfortable about this? I was thinking she'd play in the centre for an hour and then have some cake and that's it.

I feel bad wanting to say no, but I just don't feel like it's a good idea. Can anyone advise me here?

Thanks.

Moonbeam

Does she spend time with him ? maybe she knows them from his house.

Lady is a tramp

How about if you suggest two separate celebrations ... have it with just the three of you going to the play centre one day, and then let him have a party with his (and her) family/friends, maybe at his house or whatever, on another day? Save you making awkward conversation with people from his side!

If he's planning on inviting people, is he planning on paying for all of them ... could work out quite expensive if he's expecting you to split the cost!!

pwurple

Well. The play center will already have quite a lot of people you don't know, or have never heard of in there, so another few won't make much difference.

On the other hand, 3 year olds kindof play beside eachother rather than with eachother, so she won't NEED any extra company.

I dunno. I think if he's taking an interest it is a good thing, to be encouraged. Nice for her to have some relationship with her father. Involving his friends/family will help with that.

LegacyUser

She doesn't go anywhere with him, there is access in my parents and he sees her there. So she wouldn't know any of these other kids and either would I. I'm all for them developing a relationship but it's hard to trust him. I feel like the ogre mother who always says no n puts a dampner on thing by thinking that I don't want them there.

pwurple

And what's the difference between these particular children and all the others at the playcenter?

Big Bag of Chips

You need to look at why exactly you feel uncomfortable and then see if you're being reasonable. Is it a case of the over protective mammy thinking she's "my" daughter and I know what's best? (And that's not a dig... I'll admit to there being a bit of that with my first too... And I'm married to his dad!!) Or have you very real concerns about his ability as a father?

To be honest, it sounds like a nice gesture on his part. Does she know any of her family on his side? Has she ever met them? Is access ordered in your house by court, or do you just insist on it because you don't want him taking her away on his own? He might not be very competent as a dad, but the only way he'll learn is of he's allowed do it himself.

I know she's only 3, but as time goes on and she gets older it will be better for her to build a relationship with her dad, away from you. It will be good for him too. Unless there are safety concerns (and I don't mean that he mightn't change her nappy the way you do.. Yes, as a first time mother I used to get worked up over the most ridiculous things!!) then there is no reason to keep him and her in your house under your watchful eye.

It's her birthday. In a couple of years she'll be in school and hanging around with plenty people you don't really know. What do you think will happen to her if she meets some new kids that you've never met? I think it'd be nice for her to have a few people around to make a little fuss of her. Small cake from Tesco and a few candles. She'll feel SO important!

I think, again assuming there's no safety issues with her dad, that you need to learn to share her a bit with him. He seems to be showing an interest. Don't knock him back and then give out about him not being a good enough father down the line. I know it's a scary prospect, but you and her dad aren't together, so you do need to let her go occasionally to develop her relationship with him away from you.

Big Bag of Chips

... Another option is to let him bring her to the play centre himself, and invite a few others along if he likes. You don't have to be there. You can do your own thing with her. If you weren't planning on having a party for her anyway, then you still don't have to, but you can let him have one for her. You're probably horrified at that suggestion!! But think about it....

Chocolate fiend

Just make it clear to him that if he invites people he pays for them. It might be easier to have others there it would mean you were not stuck talking to him for the couple of hours. In any play centre I have been to kids find kids they like to play with, it doesn't really matter if they were invited along to play with someone else iykwim?

iguana

In my mind it would depend on who these other people are. Are they his relatives and by extension your daughter's relatives. If so I'd be ok with that. Regardless of your relationship with him, and even if his own relationship with his daughter is pretty poor, a relationship with both sides of her extended family would be a great thing for your daughter to have. So getting to spend some time with her cousins on her birthday would be nice, even if she doesn't see them normally.