bereavement

ilostmyheart

Hi I joined so I can talk to people in a similar situation to me..My husband died just 9 days ago exactly 5 months to the date after we married. We were almost 10 year's together & when he died a large piece of me went with him..We have 3 beautiful daughters who are all dealing with it in different ways.

Buona Fortuna

Sorry for your loss OP

ilostmyheart

Thank you

Shint0

That's really very sad, OP. So sorry for your loss. How are you coping on a day-to-day level yourself?

ilostmyheart

Not great being honest but our girls are keeping me going so I'm very grateful to have them..I have a huge level of support but as days go on it seems to be getting harder to cope with knowing that he won't be coming home..I think the worst part is people seem to have gotten on with life while I'm still here in this hell without him

Shint0

ilostmyheart wrote: »

I think the worst part is people seem to have gotten on with life while I'm still here in this hell without him

That's always really hard to deal with. It seems the rest of the world just carries on around us.

This forum probably isn't the most active except for the 'Things you would like to say to them' thread but there are usually bereavement support groups in different areas if that's something that might be of benefit to you. I hope it gets a little easier for you in time.

HelgaWard

Sorry for your loss ilostmyheart :-(

I saw this post previously on boards: http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=66693360
and some posters who have lost their spouses recommended this support group http://www.widow.ie/

This Bernados http://www.barnardos.ie/what-we-do/our-services/specialist-services/bereavement-counselling.html
service might help your children at some point in the future

Wishing you all the best. You are stronger than you think.

banie01

OP I am so so sorry you have found yourself needing this corner of boards.
I have been where you are now, Helga linked to a thread where myself and another user who was active here discussed our loss.
Her advice about widow.ie is also spot on, it is a site i found great support on previously.

I hope you can find some come comfort, solace and advice here...I know I did.
Widowhood is hard, and being widowed young, with children to rear is a particular and peculiar cruelty.

Friends and family will offer you their support, please, please take it.
Don't be afraid to lean on friends and family.
Don't be afraid that being upset is a sign of weakness and above all don't be pushed into feeling you need to grieve to a timetable.

Don't et grief isolate you.
When I lost my wife, I pulled away from my friends and family because they couldn't understand my loss.
It took me a long time and some persistent people to help me realise they didn't need to understand it.
I just needed to understand that all those friends and family wanted to help me heal, to share my load and make sure our family coped with the horrible reality of being left widowed.
Those friends/family saved my life, because I was being swallowed by grief and their help and support from simple things like just making a cuppa...
To coming round and holding me at stupid o'clock in the morning while I screamed at the world and cried.

Grief is personal, its a journey to learning how to cope alone and while people can support in your grief they can't make the trip for you.
I was widowed 9 and a half yrs ago but sometimes it feels like yesterday!
The grief can still come like a wave and strike out of the blue.
I know you don't want to hear that time is a healer, but in my experience grief is a wound.Loss is raw and open at the beginning, like a hatchet wound but as time passes it scabs over.
Somedays the scab can be ripped open and it will feel like you are back to day 1 all over again, but you will learn to cope and get through this.

The pain of loss, the anger at it will get worse before it ever even stabilises let alone improves.
One further piece of advice I would offer is this, try and find a bereavement counsellor. , it can go a long way towards helping to get a handle on your emotions. One of the most upsetting things I found was evrytime i discussed my loss, as I became upset the people who cared for me and who also were bereaved got upset in tandem with me...
That made me withdraw from talking about my loss with those close to me.
Counselling isn't a magic bullet, it won't make the grief any easier to bear, nor the burden any lighter but it will hopefully give you the tools to better cope when the darkness and loneliness sweep over you.

I'm sorry for your loss O.P and I wish you strength.

ilostmyheart

Thank you so much for your advice..I too am sorry for your loss..

I do have a massive support system in place & even though there is times when I wish to be left alone I don't request it coz at the moment it's still so so raw..

I'm at the stage now where I'm kind of like ok the fun is over time to come home but it doesn't happen..
I try be strong for our girls but it just seems like everything is a constant reminder..

I'm falling asleep crying & waking up the same way & that's only after maybe 2/3 hours sleep...How do you cope with that daily? People tell me it gets easier but to me it's getting harder to be without him..Since the day he passed I have a tight feeling in my chest that's just getting worse & I don't know what to do for the best anymore

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I am so so sorry for your loss. It is such a cruel and unnatural thing to happen to a young couple. All I can say is it does get easier.... Eventually. But you are only at the very beginning now. And unfortunately it's going to get an awful lot worse for you before it gets better. The real reality hasn't had time to sink in yet. You're still caught up in it all, and as you said, you are still waiting for him to walk back in. That will take a long long time to come to terms with.

A family member lost her husband 5 years ago. They too were too young for it to happen. It is 5 years later for her, and she still struggles at times. She is coping much much better of course, but the loss is always there. All the family occassions he should be at. All the kids' things he should be there to see. She is now at the stage where she's feeling bad because she thinks she should be moving on. Getting over it. I have told her that there's no rules. There's no rush. There's no timeline.

Like banie said above, the one thing I can say with absolute certainty is, your family and friends are on standby 24hours a day. I mean that. I know when it's you in the situation you kind of think you won't bother anyone, or it's too late/early to ring someone. It's not. Anytime day or night the people who love you will help you. They might be giving you a little bit of space at the moment but I can promise you, you are on their mind every single day. 5 years on I still think of my family member most days.

The next paragraph, I tell you from personal experience. From the point of view of family and friends having to watch what you go through...... Family and friends know there is nothing they can actually do for you. Nothing is going to fix this. Nothing is going to take away the pain you are feeling. Nothing is going to actually help you process all of this. They know that this is something you have to go through yourself. -BUT- They will do anything they possibly can. Stay on the end of a silent phone call. Sit beside you on a silent couch. Cook. Clean! Give lifts to the girls if they need to go places. Anything you ask they WILL do for you. Just don't think because people are moving on that they think you're ok. People have to move on. Unfortunately. People's lives all go back to normal. But, you and your children are ever present. You are a constant in all their thoughts. It doesn't matter if you need help this week or next year. They are standing by just waiting to do whatever it is they can.

I am so very sorry for what you are going through. It is so unnatural, but too common. You will find support from others, but at the end of the day you will still have to work through the emotions yourself. Give yourself time. It will eventually ease, but it will take time.

banie01

ilostmyheart wrote: »

I'm falling asleep crying & waking up the same way & that's only after maybe 2/3 hours sleep...How do you cope with that daily? People tell me it gets easier but to me it's getting harder to be without him..Since the day he passed I have a tight feeling in my chest that's just getting worse & I don't know what to do for the best anymore

I wish ! could give you a magic word to make that stop....
My own tactic, was throw myself into parenting, do everything I could with our son to try and keep busy, to not give my mind time to dwell.
All I was really doing was putting of actually processing what happened.
I tried to be a "Man" to be practical!
The practical side of my brain went into lets get things done mode, things need be done!!! It was one foot in front of the other for a long long time, I used to sing "Just keep swimming" to myself as a mantra.
If I kept going and didnt stop to think....
I'd be ok....
I wasn't!

Sleep was for so long my enemy, I think I fought it! And for years, I won! To the detriment of actually learning to cope though.
The emotional side of my brain, thought it's ok! Its only a dream, everything is ok and it will all be grand when morning comes.

When I slept, I dreamed and in my dreams everything was still good...
It was all ok, she was still her, our family was still intact...
It was waking up, rolling over and seeing the empty pillow... Not seeing the dent where her head should have been, touching her side of the bed and realizing its cold...
That I'd just been dreaming and that she's gone...
Realizing that "This" was reality and that my dreams were just that, Dreams...
That was soul crushing for a long long time.

Its the future that is ripped away, plans made and hopes never to be realised gone!
I can tell you though with all honesty, that it will get better. You will find your coping strategy and you will grow stronger.
I say this from a bit further down the road, a road I thought I'd be alone on forever more....

banie01

O.P,
I was going to edit my comment above and add this but I thought I'd add it as a stand alone rather than alter the above.
One thing I forgot to mention, is that the sense of loss and the pain will get much, much worse before it gets better. Guilt will come when you find yourself smiling, or enjoying a moment forgetting your loss...
The loss is hard, but guilt for snatched moments of joy can be even worse.
Don't let that thought get a hold on you.
But as I and others have said, surround yourself with family and friends and don't be afraid to lean on them when you need to.

bernard0368

Hi Op

I am terribly sorry for your loss. We all deal with this in our own way and its never easy.
I don't think there is any easy way through the grief.
You just have to fight through the best you can. Do not be afraid to ask for help.
Cry shout roar throw things when you need to.
Rely on your friends and family, never be afraid to say I can not cope. They will coming running and will support you.
It is early for you, I remember that time last year it is a raw evil pain but know that you can eventually get through it; it will never be easier, it will just be a little different every day.
My thoughts are with you.

You could also try www.widow.ie I found it a site where I could vent and get support from people at different stages of widowhood.