Are you from a well-to-do family?

Witchie

Permabear wrote: »

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Maybe the reason both my kids are eager to work hard is that they have seen the hard times. I was a single parent to them from they were 4 and 1 years old with their dad contributing very little and when they were in their teens, nothing at all. As I said they didn't want for much. They got a playstation but it was shared between them, they had sky tv and internet and a laptop - again shared for a while but some weeks if they wanted a comic book or a takeaway, the money wasn't there. They saw me stress and work my socks off to provide them with a home, food and car etc and if there was something they wanted they would have to do some chores in the house or help their grandparents for some pocket money and save it to buy things.

Sure I spoiled them at Christmas and birthdays but they always knew that when I was spending money on them it was hard earned.

My 21 year old got a promotion in work recently and said to me tonight on the phone that he is thinking of moving out of the house he has been living in with his college mates coz he feels it is time to grow up a bit. I think he wants to start building a life for himself and feels a nice apartment on his own or with 1 other would be a good way of doing this. He hasn't asked me for a penny to fund his life since first year in college.

So I guess what I am trying to say here is you can give your kids what they want in life but remind them that it was hard earned and that if they want the nice house, car, holidays and the latest tech, they will have to earn it too. Don't give them everything they want, restrict spoiling to holidays, birthdays, christmas, rewards for doing something great and make them help with laundry or loading the dishwasher to help balance it out. Kids understand more than we give them credit for, so explaining that they can't have everything is important.

I told my kids that Santa doesn't like greedy children so they could only ask for one main present and a surprise. Of course Santa would bring them a lot more than they asked for but that added to the excitement. Even now I ask them to write me a list of the things they would like for Christmas and I get them as many of the things on their list that I can. That way I know they are getting what they would like but I can pick and choose what I can afford to get them.

recylingbin

Walter H Price wrote: »

i would say my family accepted her much quicker then her family accepted me based on my background i.e having money and being from Dublin

Nobody wants a jackeen in the family tbf.

cantdecide

My mother came from a working class background and my dad grew up in poverty in the 50's and 60's. My dad became a tradesman and managed to climb within the construction industry but we always had very little growing up. I remember nearly losing our house and I remember being hushed in our hallway in case the people at the door heard us. Later, things improved but we were always behind and had few luxuries and never had holidays or even too many possessions. Both sides of my extended family are working to lower middle class

My dad's the interesting case- the deprivation and shame of his early life really scarred him, IMO. My mother was his little woman who just went with everything he said. He tried to hot-house us kids and was determined that we would all be doctors and lawyers. Things didn't quite go that way. Being so intent on this outcome had some unexpected consequences; one sibling is a successful academic but struggles to strike balance (particularly in personal relationships), the other has zero self esteem, has had addiction problems and struggles to integrate in society and I'm a bit of an outlier in my own ways. Only in recent years have I determined what I myself want from life and have been brave enough to start moving towards it.

It's easy to observe the benefits that those that came from the stability of some kind of structure have. Not that so many are born with a silver spoon but I pity those that find themselves out in the cold as this is where I've often found myself and it's easy to see how the poverty trap/ cycle works against so many. Want can have a very powerful and long lasting effect.

Permabear

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TSMGUY

Permabear wrote: »

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buy them a nice abridged copy of Beowulf. Sorted:D

And if they're really good, some Key Notes!

Permabear

Permabear wrote: »

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These are questions I sometimes wonder about Permabear. There certainly is a belief that having had a less than easy upbringing and not given material things or opportunities easily instills a strong character and work ethic in a person. In some cases I'm sure it does but certainly not all. You'd often hear people say with pride "I've worked everyday since I was 16". That's great but it really doesn't make you any better or less than the next person. It was simply your reality.

Character building is about so much more. I know one or two who come from one parent families and who have children of their own now but would much rather a life without work and responsibilty. I've seen my own father work hard and he continues to keep going at the age of 72. Yet I burn at the sight of an early morning and don't even mention a 12hr work day.

I think there are a lot of interesting and strange views around work. Take for example someone who goes to their job even though they aren't feeling well. That person is praised and admired. I would take the sick day. I have done, many a time. If I'm in bits I'm no good to anyone. Or another one which used to make me wonder, "Oh I was so bored on my annual leave. I'm delighted to be back". That person would also get a pat on the shoulder.

Sure maybe they were fed up at home but it's almost as if you can't say that you wish your holidays were longer because you're sick and tired of the daily grind and hell wouldn't it be great to be wealthy and never have to work a day again.

Of course my experience comes from the public sector. A different beast entirely.

intheclouds

Deleted User wrote: »

I think there are a lot of interesting and strange views around work. Take for example someone who goes to their job even though they aren't feeling well. That person is praised and admired. I would take the sick day. I have done, many a time. If I'm in bits I'm no good to anyone. Or another one which used to make me wonder, "Oh I was so bored on my annual leave. I'm delighted to be back". That person would also get a pat on the shoulder.

Where I work people are not praised and admired for coming in sick, they are asked to go home, as a lot of staff travel for work and they dont want people to be spreading infectious stuff about and going through airports.

Im not stoic about it, I take the sick day.

I have met people who get bored on annual leave but their experience of reality is so far removed from mine that I just cannot relate to them!

Walter H Price

TSMGUY wrote: »

I'd say a bit of derision is a reasonable price to pay for coming from a good background. I'd be all too happy to trade places with you and suffer the occasional jibe. I mean it'd be unfair if you didn't suffer some sort of disadvantage from being wealthy. It's for the same reason making fun of a tall person is good-hearted fun but calling someone a shortarse is just malicious. Plus let's not deny the fact that a lot of mediocre but well-ff people end up achieving a lot more than they realistically should while a lot of gifted but working class people are set up to fail.

See that right there is my issue , in modern Ireland how is that the case ? you have free education to 3rd level so therefore regardless where you come from or your family background every child has the opportunity to achieve a college degree effectively on a equal footing. So you might not be able to go to Black Rock College or Mount Anvill but even very few kids from well off family's attend those kind schools proportionally. Theres grants , access programmes etc to level the playing field further . Missing out on a few nice holidays a year , not having brand label cloths from the time you could crawl or not finding out what Hummus was untill you were at a wine and chees party in college hardly disadvantages a person for the rest of their lives.

My experience is that lazy mediocre people from all classes tend to flop in modern Ireland , the welthy just do gap years or arrse around sponging off their family while the poor just drop a few kids and doss around the area they come from sponging off the State. those who put the effort in in school and make good career decisions progress regardless.

My Fiances family kinda judge her now for thinking shes better than them etc , because she moved away from that kippy estate got educated and got a great job , in my family that was the expectation i don't look to be lauded for it. she is better than her family , thats the reality not because we have money but because she bothered her arse , her cousins had all the same opportunity's as the both of us , my view is they took the easy way out , the lazy option , drop a sprog , drop out , live off the state , moan and begrudge and blame where they came from. I would actually say their is less insentive from kids from my background to "make something of themselves" because if you don't your guaranteed a comfy lifestyle working for or living off the Old Pair.

mariaalice

A lot of these thing are a mixture of personality traits of the individual child and how the child was parented. Growing with a little or a lot does not always shape you one way or the other.

The biggest influence on the child is how the parents precise their own situation, if parent's don't have a lot of money for material possessions but the children have enough and are very much loved one set of parents may have the attitude.. that's life and we just have to get on with it and other parents may feel guilty and upset that they can't provide the children with what they precise other children to have foreign holidays ect.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Deleted User wrote: »

These are questions I sometimes wonder about Permabear. There certainly is a belief that having had a less than easy upbringing and not given material things or opportunities easily instills a strong character and work ethic in a person. In some cases I'm sure it does but certainly not all. You'd often hear people say with pride "I've worked everyday since I was 16". That's great but it really doesn't make you any better or less than the next person. It was simply your reality.

Character building is about so much more. I know one or two who come from one parent families and who have children of their own now but would much rather a life without work and responsibilty. I've seen my own father work hard and he continues to keep going at the age of 72. Yet I burn at the sight of an early morning and don't even mention a 12hr work day.

I think there are a lot of interesting and strange views around work. Take for example someone who goes to their job even though they aren't feeling well. That person is praised and admired. I would take the sick day. I have done, many a time. If I'm in bits I'm no good to anyone. Or another one which used to make me wonder, "Oh I was so bored on my annual leave. I'm delighted to be back". That person would also get a pat on the shoulder.

Sure maybe they were fed up at home but it's almost as if you can't say that you wish your holidays were longer because you're sick and tired of the daily grind and hell wouldn't it be great to be wealthy and never have to work a day again.

Of course my experience comes from the public sector. A different beast entirely.

I go to work when I'm sick. I mean last Monday night I spent the entire night in a+e, was given morphine and left at 7 to go home and get ready for work. Not because I love my job but because if I have too much time off its like my brain starts to eat itself.

I'm unable to relax, spending all day by myself - id be in the depths of despair by the end of the day. The best advice I've ever been given was not to think. Stop thinking. I need to stay busy for my own peace of mind. If I had two weeks off with nothing to do, I would be dying to go back to work.

Permabear

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Dyr

Walter H Price wrote: »

See that right there is my issue , in modern Ireland how is that the case ? you have free education to 3rd level .

Well that's news.

mariaalice

One of my sister is a career guidance teacher and is firmly convinced that having a part time job is good for teenagers, it not just having their own money, it's dealing with adults who are not their parents, dealing with the public, confidences, mixing with different people, negotiation situation's, one of the big one's giving teenagers a realistic expectation of what the world of work is like.

Witchie

Permabear wrote: »

This post had been deleted.

Totally agree with what you are saying here. I worked flat out for years in a solicitors office for feck all money and would come home stressed worrying that I had forgotten to send away a document or make a phone call. To me these things were so important as people could lose out on their dream home or end up in jail if I forgot to do something. They tried to talk me into studying for the bar exams but with 2 kids under 10 and no partner, I turned that down. I didn't see the point in spending 3 or 4 years leaving my home town on a bus at 6.30 in the morning to go to Dublin and returning late in the evening and not seeing my kids just so that I could have a better career down the line.

I left there and moved to the then VEC. I had felt burned out so at the interview I chanced my arm and told the CEO I would prefer to work part time in the job. He agreed. My hours were from 9 to 1 daily, which was fantastic and I was still getting the same wage as working full time in the Solicitors! I would drop my kids at school and be at my desk at 8.30 in the morning and have my breakfast while reading emails. Then I would work my butt off for the rest of my time there and leave at 1 to have a bit of lunch and collect my youngest from infants school at 1.40. The pleasure of being able to see my wee boy come out from school was something I had never experienced. Because I knew I only had such short hours I would work so hard during that time and was so efficient that when I left they had to bring someone in full time and she still didn't get as much done as I did. My boss begged me to come back but I had decided to follow my writing dream.

Anyway it is so important to have that work life balance.

But back to how you make your kids see the value of the money you are earning is to explain to them that you had to work really really hard and study hard to get to the position you are now in that allows you to make good money while spending more time with them. I think your kids will be grand though because spoiling them with your time and enjoying their company will be a million times more valuable to them than the latest gadget and they will see that even if you do buy it for them.

Funny how my youngest's favourite holiday memories are the ones where we went camping in Cork or Wicklow or Donegal....he barely remembers the trip to Florida or Spain or the Netherlands!

synhea

Both my parents were extremely hard working and were the only ones from both there family's to go to college. My dad retired at 45 and my mother still works even though she doesn't have to. They provided us with the best of everything and we had a very privileged upbringing. This was often pointed out to us in school and to this day by some very jealous family members. Never really thought too much about it back then now i realize how lucky we were. I started working at 16 and tried hard to emulate my parents hard working attitude. Once i hit 18 i became financially independent and supported myself through college, something i'm very proud of. Unfortunately its a different story for both my brothers who rely a lot on handouts from my parents at 26 & 28. As a 25 year old now with a good income I'm saving as much as i can so I can give my children the best of everything in the future.

Permabear

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Beasty

I'm not from a well-to-do family. My kids are though

KenjiOdo

Ryder Tinkling Goth wrote: »

Nope, grew up in a flat in Ballymun. Left school when I was 13, was a little bollox for a few years.. Luckily got out of that environment by joining the army. Got lucky buying and selling a few houses and now live in a really nice area.

My kids are the first in my family to even finish secondary school!.. My son done an economics degree and is doing exceptionally well for himself and should never see a poor day.. My daughter is in her third year of her degree and she'll do similarly well for yourself.

So no, I'm not from a 'well to do' background. But I've broken out of that socio-economic background to set my kids up and no my grandchildren (when they start to arrive) can hopefully say 'Yes, I come from a well to do back ground'.

Reminds me of a quote from main character in the TV mini series Sharpe played by Sean Bean "It's no shame to be born in the gutter but it's a real shame to want to stay there..." - No offence to Ballymuners, but these stories are heart warming & deserve respect.

I've seen & heard more stories of it going the other way, people inheriting fortunes squandering it on drink & gambling now unable to rub two pennies together..

HughWotMVIII

Yes and no. My dad is well off and my mom isn't. The funny thing is my mom comes from a well to do family while my dad's parents were dirt poor.

4zn76tysfajdxp

Witchie wrote: »

hey got a playstation but it was shared between them, they had sky tv and internet and a laptop - again shared for a while but some weeks if they wanted a comic book or a takeaway, the money wasn't there.

The deprivation. It's like reading Angela's Ashes.

andekwarhola

Nicole Scarce Nozzle wrote: »

The deprivation. It's like reading Angela's Ashes.

Any normal parent would lay on separate internet, computer facilities and a PlayStation for each child. :mad:

https://www.childline.ie/

Witchie

Nicole Scarce Nozzle wrote: »

The deprivation. It's like reading Angela's Ashes.

andekwarhola wrote: »

Any normal parent would lay on separate internet, computer facilities and a PlayStation for each child. :mad:

https://www.childline.ie/

Smartarses......I knew lots of kids with a playstation or laptop each but that wasn't our household!

mistybluehills

Having read many of the posts I'm surprised at the number of people who subscribe to the Horatio Alger fantasy, still, in this day and age

Optimalprimerib

Stealthfins wrote: »

Most so called " well to do people"
have only the light in the fridge,no food or drink's...
They drive fancy cars wear fancy clothes,and powder their nose....

They constantly live on the poverty lion,only wishing for the tiger to come back.
And usually spend a few hours with the quack...

I call them ligers or liars.

Poverty lion?? That analogy is so wrong it actually makes sense

No I'm not.
Came from the roughest of the rough areas with feck all apart from a sense of humour.
Doing quite well now though.

Joe prim

Cali Narrow Spacewalk wrote: »

My Father owns the cattle on a thousand hills.

My father owns the hills.

mariaalice

mistybluehills wrote: »

Having read many of the posts I'm surprised at the number of people who subscribe to the Horatio Alger fantasy, still, in this day and age

yeah there is a bit of that, it very Americana, Fair play to anyone who grew up in a dysfunctional violent family and manages to make the most of life, however growing up in a 'working class background' and going to university is not example of overcoming you circumstances, that sort of thinking seem to be common, was talking to someone who grew up in a very mixed area who's parents has what you would call lower middle class jobs and they are convinced they have overcome their 'background'

tomwaterford

No....I'm not ...large variety of reasons why...but not going into them


But what can Ya do about it......only make best of it??

Saipanne

No, was born to a working class family. However, my dad worked hard to buy a modest house in a decent area, and my mum ensured that I grew up to be a well spoken respectful person. So I turned out alright.

Coming from having nothing drove me to succeed in adult life, and now I'm doing well for myself. Should I have kids, they'll probably consider themselves middle class. The posh gits.

Hazydays123

Pac1Man wrote: »

Why are people delighted to talk about the hard upbringing they have had whereas well to do families almost shamefully shy away from the discussion?

Doesn't make for a great story arc.