Contact with Ex - Who do I believe

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I feel a bit sorry for you, OP. You are trying, against all odds, to make this work. Your gut has been telling you something is up for a while but you've been ignoring it in an attempt to make it work because inspite of everything you do actually really like this fella. The problem is all him. He's too "insecure"/immature/not ready for a relationship. It's 5 years since he broke up with this one. He's happy enough to bitch about her behind her back, and blame her for all his troubles, yet he's also happy enough to be in contact with her occasionally.

The things he's telling you and the excuses he's making don't make sense to you because he hasn't the maturity to be honest, with himself or with you. So he's like a teenager shrugging saying "I dunno". The problem is he doesn't know And that's the best answer you're going to get from him. You're looking for something with a bit more substance, but he can't actually give it to you... Because there's nothing there to give!

He is the root of the problems, and he's turning you into a crazy lady trying to figure him out. You won't. He's had contact with her on and off for 5 years. So he doesn't see any major problem with being in contact with her. But now he realises that after everything he's said to you about her that it makes no sense to be in contact with her, yet he is/was. Their relationship may have been bad, or it may not have been quite as bad as he's making out. But rather than accept responsibility for his own crappy behaviour, he blamed her. So you were getting a version of the story that didn't match up with the reality of their relationship/friendship whatever they have. But to him being in contact with her is "no big deal". To you after hearing his version of events it seems crazy!

Anyone would be confused and second guessing themselves. And obviously because he's your boyfriend, he's the one you have a loyalty to. He's the one you believe and trust. Which in turn makes her the enemy, and the sh*tstirrer. I'd guess you're normally a reasonable person? But these games and messing is confusing you, making you second guess yourself and turning you into a bit of a lunatic along the way! You don't want to be like this. Nobody would. But this is what this relationship has turned you into.

You are not going to get any further explanation. If he had other answers he would have given them to you by now. But he hasn't given them to you, because he doesn't have them. There's some strange dynamic between them. It May fizzle out, it may not. If you want to continue the relationship then you are going to have to forget about all this now and move on. Move on and don't discuss it again. It's going to get you nowhere and only frustrate you both.

You need to decide if you can do that, or if you can't......

Thanks BBOC, that pretty much sums up how i'm feeling about the whole thing. I've tried and tried and tried over the last month, which is why the constant arguing, i'm just desperately trying to get through to him. It's turned me in to someone I don't like, saying hurtful things, name calling, contacting people I shouldn't be contacting, it's just not me. He's trying to tell me my mood swings are violent and crazy now. It's just such an infuriating situation. But you're right I guess,i'm probably never going to get answers to this.

amtc

I've been around this forum often enough to know Big Bag of Chips gives good advice. You will only end you driving yourself mad in this situation. Yes you shouldn't have done x y and z but he sounds weak....

Sound Bite

Op I've read this thread since the beginning but didn't post because you already got loads of good advice.

It's very simple - you have two choices

1. Stay with him & get over it & accept a mediocre relationship. Remain miserable

2. Break up & move one. Less arguing and bw happier

Ask yourself why you are so intent on flogging a dead horse

orthsquel

Relationshipprobs wrote: »

It's turned me in to someone I don't like, saying hurtful things, name calling, contacting people I shouldn't be contacting, it's just not me.

This and this alone is why you should be realistically looking at breaking up OP. The situation is turning you in a someone you don't like. For your own self, you would be better off not wasting any more time and energy on this guy and the full situation. If you are feeling, truly feeling that you do not like the person you are and are turning into because of this relationship and all that is happening, then you need to walk away for your own good and reclaim who you actually are.

LegacyUser

orthsquel wrote: »

This and this alone is why you should be realistically looking at breaking up OP. The situation is turning you in a someone you don't like. For your own self, you would be better off not wasting any more time and energy on this guy and the full situation. If you are feeling, truly feeling that you do not like the person you are and are turning into because of this relationship and all that is happening, then you need to walk away for your own good and reclaim who you actually are.

Thanks.

Not over the past few weeks or because of this drama with his "ex". I really thought we could work through this. He now wants space so has deactivated Facebook. I must be incredibly naive. I'm bloody heartbroken

Big Bag of Chips

I know you're upset now, but honestly, he's doing you a favour. And I think when he comes back to you saying he's willing to give it another go, if you stop going on about the ex, that's the point where you say thanks, but no thanks. He's not the right person for you. He might have good qualities, but the worry and uncertainties are too many to make this relationship worth fighting for. He "needs space" because you've unravelled his story. To be honest, if they were still on good terms and in occasional contact you probably wouldn't be bothered! But it's just the whole thing is too messy. Treating you badly. Blaming his past with her. Telling you things about her that make you think God love him, he did well to get away. And then being in contact with her and nonchalantly telling you it's no big deal. It might have been no big deal without the big backstory.

Lick your wounds, but do not go back there. Relationships are supposed to be fun, happy. You are supposed to feel secure, a priority, comfortable. Of course every relationship will have highs and lows but how you deal with the lows, together, will dictate the mood of the whole relationship. His way of dealing with lows is to treat you badly and then block you telling you he needs space.

Good riddance. You can, and will, find much better.

Do not go back!!

LegacyUser

Thanks, if/when he does get in contact do you think it would do any good to show him this thread

SB_Part2

Relationshipprobs wrote: »

Thanks, if/when he does get in contact do you think it would do any good to show him this thread

Why would you hope to achieve by showing him it?

LegacyUser

He might see im not the only person who sees his handling of the situation with his ex and using her as a scapegoat as it is.

Big Bag of Chips

No.

This relationship can never be the relationship you're looking for. He isn't the man you'd like him to be. Persevering in the hope of eventually changing him will cause you nothing but years and a broken heart. Start getting over him now by convincing yourself it's over. And by building your resolve to not go back whenever he comes looking.

Tasden

Relationshipprobs wrote: »

Thanks, if/when he does get in contact do you think it would do any good to show him this thread

It would further cement in his mind how wrong it was for you to contact the ex. And it would probably annoy him that you aired his dirty laundry behind his back even if it was anonymously. I'd find it strange if an ex of mine did that tbh, showed me the thread I mean.

Idle Passerby

Relationshipprobs wrote: »

Thanks, if/when he does get in contact do you think it would do any good to show him this thread

Definately not. What would be the point? Decide that its over now and walk away. Leave him in your past. If/when he contacts you just say your not interested in being in contact anymore, wish him well with his life and wash your hands of the whole thing.

orthsquel

Relationshipprobs wrote: »

Thanks, if/when he does get in contact do you think it would do any good to show him this thread

Relationshipprobs wrote: »

He might see im not the only person who sees his handling of the situation with his ex and using her as a scapegoat as it is.

I'd have to agree with everyone else and say no... because it will give him reason to point the finger of blame for the ending of the relationship on you, rather than him. And it will be a doorway for him to make all sorts of hurtful comments that could impact your self esteem and confidence (because he's a toxic person and toxic people attack to defend themselves).

intheclouds

Relationshipprobs wrote: »

Thanks, if/when he does get in contact do you think it would do any good to show him this thread

For what exactly?

I fail to see what would be achieved by showing him this thread~? It would only show you in a bad light and make him even more glad he was out of the relationship!

daisybelle2008

Relationshipprobs wrote: »

He might see im not the only person who sees his handling of the situation with his ex and using her as a scapegoat as it is.

Well you have done exactly the same thing so not sure what kind of oneupmanship you would be trying to achieve. You accepted/excused bad behaviour from him because he was not over her and handled communication with her very badly. Is it a competition to see who involves her more in your relationship, cause you are pretty obsessed with her.

LegacyUser

It's not about one upmanship. I just want him to understand where im coming from. How does that make me obsessed with anyone?

batmanrobin

Relationshipprobs wrote: »

It's not about one upmanship. I just want him to understand where im coming from. How does that make me obsessed with anyone?

Why?

Why would you want to salvage anything with him after his carry on?

Just let it go.

Tasden

Relationshipprobs wrote: »

It's not about one upmanship. I just want him to understand where im coming from. How does that make me obsessed with anyone?

If he doesn't understand where you're coming from then he really isn't going to take it well if you show him the thread.

intheclouds

Relationshipprobs wrote: »

It's not about one upmanship. I just want him to understand where im coming from. How does that make me obsessed with anyone?

Why though? What difference does it make if he understands or not? Its irrelevant.

Youre still looking for validation from him about this.

Let it go. Look for validation within.

Big Bag of Chips

Do it of you like, but it will not make him say "oh, I see now". It will make him say "you're a nut bag, leave me alone!" I'm not for a second suggesting you are, but his way of dealing with his faults and weaknesses is to run away, ignore you and blame you (or his ex)

That won't change. It'll be your fault for 'spinning the story to suit yourself', or 'exaggerating things' or or or..... He'll have a list. Sometimes you just have to let things go. This is one of those times.