Flatmate's new boyfriend has been here every night for the past 5 weeks

confusedguy1

So my flatmate has a new bf who has stayed over every night for the past 5 weeks. To be fair he is litterally just sleeping here - they are out till late every night - and he leaves for work every morning. It is not as if they are on the couch when i come home every evening so not sure how i should approach it. I don't like confrontation.

My flatmate used to stay over a lot at the bf's place until I think the bf's housemate commented (I've heard through a mutual friend) that it was happening too much. I think they were both offended and are now staying all the time at mine.

Am I being out of order here? It could be argued that there is no harm if he is just sleeping over.

average_runner

confusedguy1 wrote: »

So my flatmate has a new bf who has stayed over every night for the past 5 weeks. To be fair he is litterally just sleeping here - they are out till late every night - and he leaves for work every morning. It is not as if they are on the couch when i come home every evening so not sure how i should approach it. I don't like confrontation.

My flatmate used to stay over a lot at the bf's place until I think the bf's housemate commented (I've heard through a mutual friend) that it was happening too much. I think they were both offended and are now staying all the time at mine.

Am I being out of order here? It could be argued that there is no harm if he is just sleeping over.

If he is just staying in her room and no where else, then thats ok, as its her private room

looksee

Presumably he is using the shower and the bathroom, if he is there every night he must have changes of clothes there. He is using the house as a residence and should be either paying his way or cutting back on staying there - once or twice a week would be reasonable, every night is not. Does the landlord know about this?

Smondie

confusedguy1 wrote: »

.. . I think they were both offended and are now staying all the time at mine.

Am I being out of order here? It could be argued that there is no harm if he is just sleeping over.

IIt's not yours though, it's both yours and you flatmate and what they do in thier private room is no concern of yours tbh. If he was taking showers and using the living room etc, you may have more of a case to argue.

emeldc

Assuming you're both paying similar rents, ask him does he want to swap apartments.

confusedguy1

Smondie wrote: »

IIt's not yours though, it's both yours and you flatmate and what they do in thier private room is no concern of yours tbh. If he was taking showers and using the living room etc, you may have more of a case to argue.

The bathroom is an ensuite so I don't use it, and showers are not taken every single day. I just think regardless that days a week for this many weeks is pushing it. Although they are seldom around early evening they have been about on weekends.

I feel I am now living with a couple which I didn't sign up for.

confusedguy1

emeldc wrote: »

Assuming you're both paying similar rents, ask him does he want to swap apartments.

I was in this apartment first, why should I move?

daheff

confusedguy1 wrote: »

I feel I am now living with a couple which I didn't sign up for.

If you dont like this arrangement speak up. They may not know you are unhappy with it.


but if its got to this stage, they may well move out and you have to find another roommate.


I'd suggest coming to a sensible arrangement...maybe not have him stay over every night...but 3/4 a week in yours and the other half of the week in his place?

confusedguy1

daheff wrote: »

If you dont like this arrangement speak up. They may not know you are unhappy with it.


but if its got to this stage, they may well move out and you have to find another roommate.


I'd suggest coming to a sensible arrangement...maybe not have him stay over every night...but 3/4 a week in yours and the other half of the week in his place?

I just think it is bad form having someone over on such a continuous basis. I would never do such a thing and cannot understand why they may not think this might be an issue.

Smondie

confusedguy1 wrote: »

Smondie wrote: »

IIt's not yours though, it's both yours and you flatmate and what they do in thier private room is no concern of yours tbh. If he was taking showers and using the living room etc, you may have more of a case to argue.

The bathroom is an ensuite so I don't use it, and showers are not taken every single day. I just think regardless that days a week for this many weeks is pushing it. Although they are seldom around early evening they have been about on weekends.

I feel I am now living with a couple which I didn't sign up for.

They are seldom around in the evening's just the weekend's. I doubt the flatmate signed up to spend every evening with her flatmate. Not sure how the weekday sleepovers affect you?

Lux23

Is it actually bothering you? Because if he isn't lying around the place in your way then I think you might be creating an issue when none is there? But again if it is making your uncomfortable or interfering in your enjoyment of your home then say something.

lawred2

every night for 5 weeks is unacceptable

if they want to live together then they should just get on and do that

confusedguy1

Lux23 wrote: »

Is it actually bothering you? Because if he isn't lying around the place in your way then I think you might be creating an issue when none is there? But again if it is making your uncomfortable or interfering in your enjoyment of your home then say something.

Yes, hence the thread!

While they are not around all the time and primarily sleeping here I seem to be still effectively living with a couple.

jimmycrackcorm

confusedguy1 wrote:

While they are not around all the time and primarily sleeping here I seem to be still effectively living with a couple.

How is that? If he was only around at the weekend during the day and not sleeping in the room during the week, would it make any difference?

You seem to have the living room, kitchen and presumably bathroom to yourself so hardly living with a couple.

Idbatterim

you didnt sign up to live with a couple, obviously the other housemate had enough of the situation and now its gone to the other extreme and you are on the receiving end...

Sunny Dayz

confusedguy1 wrote: »

My flatmate used to stay over a lot at the bf's place until I think the bf's housemate commented (I've heard through a mutual friend) that it was happening too much. I think they were both offended and are now staying all the time at mine.

This couple know they are taking advantage of you. They were staying all the time at his place until his housemate spoke up. They didn't get the message that it was unfair on the other housemate so now they have just landed in on you every night instead.
Tell them to either split their sleepovers evenly between both houses or find somewhere to live together.

hardCopy

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

How is that? If he was only around at the weekend during the day and not sleeping in the room during the week, would it make any difference?

You seem to have the living room, kitchen and presumably bathroom to yourself so hardly living with a couple.

It's just weird and not what the OP signed up for.

Having random people wander around the house at night that you never signed up to live with is not acceptable on an ongoing basis.

OP, your housemate is being a tool. Let them know you're not happy about it. But be prepared for drama.

Surprised people are giving the op a hard time over this. It doesn't matter if the op never even sees the housemates boyfriend its totally unacceptable for him to stay there every night. Twice a week having a partner over is the generally accepted number of days that a person should have a guest staying regardless if they are seen or not.

You need to comment on it op, if you are correct and they have already been told about to cut back nights she stays in his house it won't be a surprise to them if you are also unhappy with the situation.

emeldc

confusedguy1 wrote: »

I was in this apartment first, why should I move?

I meant to finish my comment with ':rolleyes:'
I wasn't really being serious but if you suggested a swap he might take the hint and bugger off. After all, his flatmates weren't slow about putting it up to his GF.

Lux23

confusedguy1 wrote: »

Yes, hence the thread!

While they are not around all the time and primarily sleeping here I seem to be still effectively living with a couple.

Well say it so, they may get offended but sure what can you do?

kravmaga

confusedguy1 wrote: »

Yes, hence the thread!

While they are not around all the time and primarily sleeping here I seem to be still effectively living with a couple.

Its bang out of order, you need to say it that you did not sign up to share with a couple, lease agreement etc.

If he is using your utilities, ie he is using cooker, shower, water, washing machine etc and staying every night either pay up towards rent or ask them to move out and get a place together.

You have to say it, no easy way to do this, just a conversation that has to be had really, have you house rules in place in the lease agreement with landlord?

jimmycrackcorm

hardCopy wrote:

It's just weird and not what the OP signed up for.

What exactly did the op sign up for - no guests?

hardCopy wrote:

Having random people wander around the house at night that you never signed up to live with is not acceptable on an ongoing basis.

Flatmates be, not random.

hardCopy wrote:

OP, your housemate is being a tool. Let them know you're not happy about it. But be prepared for drama.

Not quite, very considerate to give the op so much free reign of the house during the week. No having to wait to use the cooker etc.

Jayda Screeching Giraffe wrote:

Twice a week having a partner over is the generally accepted number of days that a person should have a guest staying regardless if they are seen or not.

Where does this general acceptance idea come from? Surely the realistic acceptance is the level of inconvenience instead of an imaginary number of days?

MeatTwoVeg

What's the issue exactly. Sounds like you never have to see them.

the_syco

confusedguy1 wrote: »

Although they are seldom around early evening they have been about on weekends.

confusedguy1 wrote: »

So my flatmate has a new bf who has stayed over every night for the past 5 weeks. To be fair he is litterally just sleeping here - they are out till late every night - and he leaves for work every morning. It is not as if they are on the couch when i come home every evening so not sure how i should approach it. I don't like confrontation.

I've switched the order of the quotes, as I think your main issue is that they're in your apartment most weekends, but that you see him staying over every weeknight is taking the piss?

Also, are they fellow tenants, or are you the landlord?

dickiepower

I agree with OP in this case. I think it shows a lack of respect to not sit down and chat about it.

I myself in my younger years had a similar situation with a former housemate where I had the other half staying over a few days a week and not discuss it with him. To be quite honest I can see why he was so upset about it.

It can make you feel uncomfortable if you don't know the person "living" in your place. Also I can imagine if they have a disagreement it would be very uncomfortable for you especially as you didn't sign up to living with a couple.

runawaybishop

Bandana boy wrote: »

OP you sound out of order to me , Sounds like they are being pretty reasonable in staying out of your way.
If they are staying out of your way why do you care ?

I would not talk to them about it , you will come across as sexually repressed and jealous and ruin the relationship with your flat mate .
5 weeks is nothing and the relationship might not burn so hot in the future and return to a little more normal routine.

Inviting full time livin guests to share someone elses house is reasonable, without even the courtesy to run it by your flatmate?

The flat was rented to 2 people, not 3. Having someone over 7 nights a week is not on, its pure cheek.

fg1406

I had a similar issue about 10 years ago when I first moved into a houseshare. One of the girls just moved her bf in without telling us. She even cut him a key! He stayed 5-7 nights a week for 6 months. It eventually boiled over into a confrontation which nobody wanted and she moved out within a fortnight.

It wasn't pleasant for anyone. It's possible she's so wrapped up in her relationship she isn't even considering you. Sit her down and say it to her next time you can get her on her own.

McGrath5

This issue rears it's head quite regularly on this forum.

MeatTwoVeg wrote: »

What's the issue exactly. Sounds like you never have to see them.

This issue is the OP is now living with a couple, which from my own experience can make for an unpleasant environment.

This is very inconsiderate and poor etiquette is been shown by the housemate, but the only way to resolve it is for the OP to speak up and lay out some ground rules, 2 nights per week max is acceptable IMO.

oppenheimer1

confusedguy1 wrote: »

I just think it is bad form having someone over on such a continuous basis. I would never do such a thing and cannot understand why they may not think this might be an issue.

I don't understand why you've come here looking for opinions to be honest, you seem to have made up your mind already and think they're being unreasonable.

Look if this couple are staying out of your way and sticking to her room then what is the issue? What are they doing that lessens your enjoyment of the place? What is it exactly that bothers you? Because of you confront her it will just look like you're jealous of her relationship (especially if you're single) and could ruin your own interhousemate relationship. She's entitled to have guests and entitled to let them stay. Confront her and she might reduce the number of nights that he stays, but she might become less considerate and youll find them not just locking themselves in her room on the nights he's "allowed" to stay.

jimmycrackcorm

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

Where does this general acceptance idea come from? Surely the realistic acceptance is the level of inconvenience instead of an imaginary number of days?

It come from the fact its a reasonable compromise. It's obviously totally unfair and unacceptable to outlaw guests totally but it's equally unfair for someone to have a guest staying over too often. Two days a week is a reasonable compromise that most people would be happy with. BF stays over two night, the house mate stays with their BF two night and people say in their own places alone 3 nights a week would look perfectly reasonable. If they want to live together then get their own place or move to a houseshare that accepts a couple.

oppenheimer1 wrote: »

Because of you confront her it will just look like you're jealous of her relationship (especially if you're single) . .

This is a bizarre conclusion to arrive at, why would anyone's first assumption be "oh they must be jealous". You can be 100% sure the op's housemate knows they are chancing their arm and are probably surprised they haven't been confused about it by now. The fact the op doesn't see the BF much is totally irrelevant, he still should not be in the house anymore than twice a week or so.

runawaybishop

oppenheimer1 wrote: »

I don't understand why you've come here looking for opinions to be honest, you seem to have made up your mind already and think they're being unreasonable.

Look if this couple are staying out of your way and sticking to her room then what is the issue? What are they doing that lessens your enjoyment of the place? What is it exactly that bothers you? Because of you confront her it will just look like you're jealous of her relationship (especially if you're single) and could ruin your own interhousemate relationship. She's entitled to have guests and entitled to let them stay. Confront her and she might reduce the number of nights that he stays, but she might become less considerate and youll find them not just locking themselves in her room on the nights he's "allowed" to stay.

They are not though -op said they are around during the day at the weekend.

Frankly even if they were in the room all the time i wouldn't be happy. Op should get some say in who she shares a house with.